Fed up

[Fair]

I think I can give some specific examples of what Fair might be talking about.

 

Me: I like a lot of cheese on my pizza.

Him: Haha, yeah Susan (his ex) also likes a lot of cheese.

 

Sure, his comment was harmless. But was that really necessary? Anyway I said nothing and the conversation moved on only to repeat similar scenarios. He said she is family. There were also times when he said "my wife" instead of "my ex wife".

 

Then one time Susan (who divorced him, and is still married to the man she left him for 20 years ago) showed up, to my surprise, on one of our dates. He had invited her. During the "date" whenever Susan said "my husband" my first reaction was she was talking about my guy. Then I'd quickly realize she was talking abut her real husband.

 

This makes for a good farce. Afterwards, the guy I was dating texted me and said something to the effect that Susan approved of me. Ok....

 

Of course by then I had written him off and not for this reason alone. Really not angry with him, he is what he is, way before I came along. I just looked at the whole package and said No.

 

This guy remained single for 20 years after his divorce. He never had a long term relationship again and just hangs on his ex wife's family. I think the ex's husband tolerates his presence because he's not a threat, just a poor hanger-on.

 

You are a lot more cool headed than I could ever be. That said, this sounds like my ex. Over time I got the distinct impression he still thinks his ex wife is still HIS... still HIS family, her parents HIS in-laws, and that he's still emotional connected to her... too connected to let any other woman get in the way. Divorced for 20 years or not.

 

I mean, the fact that he's never been able to move on and have another relationship since his marriage is very telling. No self respecting woman is going to sit still for that. He says he has what's almost like PTSD after finding her cheating on him... a load of BUNK. He's just hanging onto her and doesn't WANT to let go, in my opinion.

 

Besides, who knows if they've been cheating with each other or having an emotional affair all these years into the bargain. She cheated on him, no reason to assume she wouldn't cheat on her current husband. That could have everything to do with why he can't move on.

[stillafool]

Don't judge. Women are like this for a reason... nine times out of ten, he's still hung up on her and they've seen too much of it not to be hyper sensitive to the possibility the next jerk is going to have the same problem.

 

It's simple... if there's no feelings for the ex, don't talk about her. There's never a legitimate reason to bring up 'memories.' Men have to stop blaming women and look at it from her point of view.

 

Maybe women could also dial back their insecurity. No one has time to deal with their hyper sensitivity. If a person can't even talk about their past relationships for fear of someone blowing a fuse how are you going to know that person? Maybe hyper sensitive people shouldn't date.

[PRW]

as a man I am getting sick and tired of women saying to me "i'm sorry but my kids come first and always will"

 

Yep.

It means you will always be Second Fiddle

You will never be the "Man of the house"

You try to come down on the kids for anything they do wrong you'll here, "They aren't your kids!"

You'll never be the leader of the family,...always the follower, the "add-on", the "patch" to cover the missing father.

Edited December 15, 2018 by PRW

[PRW]

I think the ex's husband tolerates his presence because he's not a threat, just a poor hanger-on.

Says a lot for the new husband's strength and confidence,...cudo's to him. If she married a weak one he might be having a hissy fit over it.

[Gretchen12]

Says a lot for the new husband's strength and confidence,...cudo's to him. If she married a weak one he might be having a hissy fit over it.

 

Exactly. I know definitely not all men get fixated on the ex. Only a certain insecure type. I also think the ex left him for the same reason the new husband feels no threat, for the same reason I dumped him: He is weak.

 

The fixation on the ex is only a manifestation of what's really wrong with him. I dumped the guy for that underlying reason, not because I'm jealous or didn't like his ex. She's ok. She and her new husband pity him.

 

When you date someone still fixated on the ex from long ago, look carefully, and you will see other manifestations of a deeper problem.

[Gretchen12]

Besides, who knows if they've been cheating with each other or having an emotional affair all these years into the bargain. She cheated on him, no reason to assume she wouldn't cheat on her current husband. That could have everything to do with why he can't move on.

 

I doubt it. Such men are not virile or masculin. They are impotent (figuratively speaking), and the ex wife is almost like a mother. He seeks validation from her, even just a pat on the head.

[basil67]

It does sound nonsensical since you're quoting carhill and me both. That last quote isn't even mine.

 

Sorry, my bad.

 

.

[Fair]

I doubt it. Such men are not virile or masculin. They are impotent (figuratively speaking), and the ex wife is almost like a mother. He seeks validation from her, even just a pat on the head.

 

In his case he's LITERALLY impotent, too. So you're right.

[Fair]

Maybe women could also dial back their insecurity. No one has time to deal with their hyper sensitivity. If a person can't even talk about their past relationships for fear of someone blowing a fuse how are you going to know that person? Maybe hyper sensitive people shouldn't date.

 

No one's talking about someone who's imagining things... there are clear signs that can't be ignored in most cases.

 

I don't happen to believe someone who is 'supposedly' feeling unnecessarily 'insecure' IS insecure. You're not supposed to feel secure in an effed up situation... it's a feeling that lmost ALWAYS comes from your gut instinct telling you something is off...

 

Don't ignore it.

 

People try to gain power over you by sneering at you that you're just jealous … but what that is is just them trying to get you to doubt yourself and gain control.

 

Besides, If my partner is dismissing my emotions on top of clearly demonstrating he's not over his ex, he's going to be kicked to the curb for disrespecting me in EVERY way.

 

MY FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT.

 

And If on the off chance I'm off the mark, I expect a mature response from someone who thinks I'm important enough to straighten it out with in a loving manner... sneering at me, I won't abide.

Edited December 15, 2018 by Fair

[chillii]

I think bringing up exes in conversations with new partners is something both men and women can get upset about, sometimes very upset about and to some it is a dealbreaker.

I get the whole baggage thing and that everyone needs to be so cool and put up with almost everything, but there is a limit.

 

People who have their exes uppermost in their mind, cannot stop talking about them and that is not really a good basis for any new relationship.

Whether it is that they hate their ex or that they love their ex or that they are still in close contact with their ex or that they are pining for their old life... etc. is immaterial, truth is they have "unfinished business" with that ex and that is often a big problem for any new relationship.

People tend to like to feel important to their SO and that is undermined when their SO keeps bringing their ex into the conversation, especially when there is no good practical reason to do so...

 

 

l'm guilty myself yet l left the ex because she was a pain in the ass.

Turned out l'd still mentioned her quite a bit though and probably too much.

l do get it.

l tried to explain though that it was 8yrs of my life and so if l talk about anything in that 8yrs then unfortunately the ex was probably in it.

That's all there was to it.

l def' didn't want her back though matter of fact l was actually 5 times happier than before with the ex.

 

But l do get how it can all come across though , too much of it pisses me off too, l honestly just didn't realize l'd brought it up so often.

[chillii]

These stats come from divorce petitions. They dont suggest women are weak,it's something else much deeper and more fundamental. In short-women are not wired for long term relationships, they are wired for serial monogamy with each relationships lasting up to 5-7 years. With invention of the pill,no-fault divorce and socialism -the need for having a husband has significantly diminished and hence women can excercise their optimal sexual strategy (serial monogamy).

 

This cant be repaired anymore and will eventually destroy the insititute of marriage within the next 20 to 50 years. The society is slowly returning to the pre-agricultural model when a top 5-20% of (higher status) men had harems while other men simply did not reproduce. This is already the case (de-facto) in large western cities.Its not obvious but if you dig deeper you will see that "succesful" (famous,rich,athletes etc) men have a good rotation of 3 to 5 girls/women (from single girls to married mothers of 3,depends on age and place) while the rest of men dont.

 

 

 

Go through divorce watching all your friends going through it too and the whys and wherefores, tell a much different story.

But anyway , who givesafk

l'm too happy to bs on about this garbage sorry.

[Serotonine]

What about men dating women with children?

Not only do you have to put up with listening to them talk about their ex, but in most cases, being as they share a child, you are going to meet him.

Should I treat her as yesterday's garbage?

 

There are a million and one reasons why you shouldn't date a woman with children from another man, this topic is outside of the subject though.

[Mrschaney]

I was with my ex for 20 years. The first couple of years I believe he was still in love with his ex. Im married to someone else and he is dating. Now Im the ex he is still in love with. I just think men don’t handle break ups as well as women.