Break up - support needed

[Liberty76]

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. From the very beginning of the relationship we seemed to hit it on, have common values and goals etc. We both wanted a family. I have moved to the other continent because of his work and lived with him abroad 4,5 years now. We made a home here.

 

 

In general he is a nice guy and from the outside he is successful, ambitious, good looking, fun to be around, energetic. The only thing is, he has a terrible temper which manifests itself mainly when he's stressed. He becomes anxious, abusive and aggressive from a smallest of things. And it's scary. This side of him is only visible for me and I'm often the target of his rants.

 

 

A couple of years ago I become pregnant unplanned. He panicked and said I planned all of it, wanted to put him into a leash and he wanted me to consider abortion. He called me horrible names and threatened with lawyers if I ever wanted to go back to my home country with the child (I would never do this without having common agreement). I was shocked and ended up getting very anxious. Eventually after some weeks he came around and actually was happy about the pregnancy. Unfortunately shortly after we lost the baby at 7 weeks.

 

 

After this experience I was sure more than ever I wanted to be a mother. And a bit more vary about him. And also because I was already early 40s and I knew time is not on my side. My BFs opinion about the baby changed every month and he could not decide if he wants to try or not. He wanted but then there was always some excuse, his work, me not being as he expected, he wanting to travel more (at the time he was 37). Basically looking back now, he didn't want to.

 

 

A year passed, I was 41 and still waiting. So, I told him if he can't go ahead I need to look into other options. He told me again he was not sure. So, I signed up for a fertility clinic to check my options and if I could even conceive any longer. Good news was I was still fertile but I would need to act now. I told him the news and he said he didn't want to hold be back. I should do whatever is best for me. It was a very hard decision but I decided to go forward with a donor sperm. I could not bare to lose the opportunity to be a mother and have a family which I always wanted. We didn't break up because of this, my BF seemed to understand and even said maybe he can accept the baby. so I wanted to give it a try. The chance they gave me to succeed was less than 5%. I did my first round of IUI year ago but it did not work. It was a very emotional experience and it took me another 6 months to try again. This time it worked but because of the high miscarriage rate I wanted to keep the news for myself.

 

 

Also, at the time my BF was under intense stress and his behavior towards me changed to be very hostile and aggressive. I could not talk to him at all without him shouting and swearing for a period of time. I was desperate to tell him the pregnancy news but too scared. Also because of the behavior in the past. So I went to my home country for a while and decided to wait and see if the pregnancy was even viable. I got through the 1st trimester. All the time I was trying to figure out if and how to tell them the news. I did not know at all what would be his reaction and I feared the worst. Some more time passed. Eventually I broke the news very late and as I suspected his bad behavior escalated. This time even worse. He's blaming I was a liar and a crazy person not telling him straight away. He's swearing and shouting and being aggressive. He says I look disgusting and he does not want to see any baby stuff nor the baby or me ever.

 

 

Right now I'm about to have a baby in a month, we have broken up and he's threatening me with police and lawyers to get me out of our home. I have asked him to try to find a solution as I don't feel comfortable moving any longer and my family lives other side of the world. He refuses to understand. The thing is he owns our place and as we are not married I have no rights what so ever. I would never have expected this bad reaction from him, I thought I knew him better. I understand he's frustrated and angry but not been even willing to find a solution to handle this. When I raise my concern about me not having any security before he purchased the place, he told me not to worry and he would move out in case we would break up until the things were sorted out. I trusted him and we do not have anything in written form. He knows I'm alone in a foreign country and in a very vulnerable position right now. I have not asked his support on anything else expect that I could stay until I feel comfortable of moving and have found a decent place. He's not even present as he's travelling for the next two months. Nevertheless he gave now gave me 2 weeks (this changes all the time, first it was in a month - on my date) to get out or he throws me on the street. I'm scared and feel never knew who this man really is.

 

 

How to cope?

[Wallysbears]

My best advice would be to immediately contact an attorney. And find a place to live ASAP.

 

Are you still able to travel/fly at this late stage in pregnancy? If not, do you have friends nearby that you could stay with until after the baby is born?

[Liberty76]

I cannot fly any longer, only short distance but that doesn't help as my home country is on the other side of Atlantic. I do have some friends here from our international circle but I know them via my (ex)BFs colleagues. Also, the people I know are all going away for Christmas and New Year so I'm pretty alone right now with this situation.

[GinON]

I have flown over the atlantic with a 9 day old baby, so getting a passport within 7 days is possible, but fairly difficult. That is in the USA but I dont know what country you are in.. You may want to figure out the best way to get a passport as soon as you possibly can for the baby and be prepared to go home as soon as you can.

 

Perhaps there is women's shelter that can help you out.

 

Best of luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

Get to a divorce lawyer ... who can stop the threats and advise you on what to do ...

 

Call mom, dad, sister, brother ... neighbor ... anyone you trust and explain what's going on. No time to be humble--you can afford to worry about how others see you now. This is about survival of you and the coming child with an abusive guy.

 

Call anyone you trust ... you may need someone to come from out of country to be by you and help you and give you support and clear thinking.

 

Tell boss if you need to ... But you need the help of other people and their thinking.