A female version of Mr.Nice?

[catt]

Is there such a thing as a female version of the "Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome? You know, where a man is ruled out or stepped all over because he is "too nice". Is this also true for women?

[Tony T]

You betcha. Many men will either walk all over these or simply not have much to do with them.

 

I've said many times. Men want a challenge. A lady can be quite nice without being a pushover. But if a woman is too sweet and too agressive...if she seems to be too eager or to want the relationship too much, it could mean the end.

 

As a matter of fact, I think men are more repulsed by females who are too nice than females are about nice men.

 

This is especially true to a female who falls in love very quickly and goes to bed with a guy. In the majority of cases, she will never hear from him again.

 

If a girl is agressive in Emailing, calling or otherwise communicating with a guy, even one she's known a while, this will turn most men off. Every man has a different threshold or level at which he begins to be turned off.

 

I don't think this is a gender thing at all. It's basic human nature. People tend to desire more that which is unavailable to them and to want less of what is readily accessible.

 

Don't blame me. It's not my fault.

[Rogue]

Yes, Catt, I think there is a female version of Mr. Nice Guy! If you can find one for me I'd apreciate it! j/k

 

Some girls are simply taken for granted because they try too hard to please. I think it's unfair.But human nature just seems to assume anything easily acquired is of less value than something acquired after a great deal of effort. It's not just men or women this applies to, but everything.

 

Wouldn't you assume that a pair of pants that cost you $90 are better made than ones that only cost you $30? Wouldn't you consider a the $90 pants a better investment since it would last longer? But the truth is that a lot of brand name items are made by the exact same factories that no name brands are. Why do brand names do well? Because of the PERCEPTION that they are superior , reinforced by their higher price tag! But if you ever decided to test brand names and no name clothes , you'd see that price does not always represent quality.

 

So it is with people. A woman who gives too much affection in the beginning can be perceived as being emotianlly "desperate". In fact she might just be the type who doesn't like to play games! In any case,she may not be considered as great a catch as a woman who made men jump through hoops for weeks before she finally shows affection.

 

My advice for a girl who thinks she might be taken for granted? Let her love interest know ,subtly, that if he doesn't appreciate her others will. She doesn't have to play mind games, or change her personality. All she has to make sure is that her good attitude in life is given the respect it deserves and that he should be grateful for what he has.

[Sporty]

Reading all this and the responses, I feel about two inches high, having just made a fool of myself pursuing someone I thought felt the same as me. The difficulty is that you lose perspective in your eagerness and you don't know how stupid you are acting until it all goes pear shaped and you are left feeling like a complete idiot!

You betcha. Many men will either walk all over these or simply not have much to do with them. I've said many times. Men want a challenge. A lady can be quite nice without being a pushover. But if a woman is too sweet and too agressive...if she seems to be too eager or to want the relationship too much, it could mean the end. As a matter of fact, I think men are more repulsed by females who are too nice than females are about nice men. This is especially true to a female who falls in love very quickly and goes to bed with a guy. In the majority of cases, she will never hear from him again. If a girl is agressive in Emailing, calling or otherwise communicating with a guy, even one she's known a while, this will turn most men off. Every man has a different threshold or level at which he begins to be turned off. I don't think this is a gender thing at all. It's basic human nature. People tend to desire more that which is unavailable to them and to want less of what is readily accessible. Don't blame me. It's not my fault.

[kikie]

i agree with everything tony n rogue say... but there's also the opposite extreme... i used to be very "strict" and uptight with guys... and i think they were simply scared of me ... they didnt feel comfortable talking to me, etc. I found that as soon as I become more friendly, they reciprocate more ... etc.

 

Any comment?

[WGirl]

I think I suffer from that sydrome. I have improved and I am trying to lose-ms. nice guy title. I used to think it was good thing to be nice but it is a damn curse. That "nice guys finish last" statement is true. I am putting my foot down more. If I don't want to do something, I don't let people talk me into it or push me into it. I do what I want and if people don't like it-too bad. It pays to be selfish sometimes. I used to try to go along to get along and all that happy @#$%. I found that more often than not I was getting screwed because of it. I do someone a favor to help them out and they just want more, more, more. I am partly in the situation I am in now because of trying to play the role of the nice girl.

 

I tried to be the good friend, the good girl-friend, the good daughter, the good employee. I got ##### on my most of the men I dated, most of my friends, some of my family members and workplaces. I don't sound bitter, do I? haha! WGirl is saying no more, people are quite shocked about it because I no longer do what people are accustomed to and what they expect so I think some don't know how to react to me now.

 

I think a lot of women are brought up with this 'nice girl' syndrome. Being labeled a 'nice girl' doesn't really get anywhere in the real world.

Is there such a thing as a female version of the "Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome? You know, where a man is ruled out or stepped all over because he is "too nice". Is this also true for women?

[WGirl]

but they really don't. I hear a lot of men on the boards complaining that they can't find a nice girl. I consider myself to be a nice girl. Men have even told me I am a "nice girl". Men will work hard to get a date with me and then once I start going out with them, I think I am too good them and I even spoiled a couple of them. Instead reciprocating a little bit, they start trying to take advantage. They think they can get away with away with anything. I am nice to a point but I am not stupid. I think people mistake my kindness for stupidity. I realize that I partly create the situation but it doesn't make what they do right. That's when I start getting pissed off. Then my ugly side comes out. A side some people don't believe I possess until it comes out.

I think I suffer from that sydrome. I have improved and I am trying to lose-ms. nice guy title. I used to think it was good thing to be nice but it is a damn curse. That "nice guys finish last" statement is true. I am putting my foot down more. If I don't want to do something, I don't let people talk me into it or push me into it. I do what I want and if people don't like it-too bad. It pays to be selfish sometimes. I used to try to go along to get along and all that happy @#$%. I found that more often than not I was getting screwed because of it. I do someone a favor to help them out and they just want more, more, more. I am partly in the situation I am in now because of trying to play the role of the nice girl. I tried to be the good friend, the good girl-friend, the good daughter, the good employee. I got ##### on my most of the men I dated, most of my friends, some of my family members and workplaces. I don't sound bitter, do I? haha! WGirl is saying no more, people are quite shocked about it because I no longer do what people are accustomed to and what they expect so I think some don't know how to react to me now. I think a lot of women are brought up with this 'nice girl' syndrome. Being labeled a 'nice girl' doesn't really get anywhere in the real world.

[Tony T]

I certainly didn't mean to make you feel bad. But consider yourself lucky to learn this when you did. There are people who fail in relationships all their lives, or end up settling for the recycled, simply because they went about things the wrong way.

 

On the other hand, although there are few men who enjoy agressive women...there are more who do like nice, sweet ladies. But they are older men who have been through the mill with the bxtches and are ready for that.

 

I don't know how old you are, but until you start dating men in their mid 30's and upward, you can't be so nice. And even with older men, being too sweet for their individual taste can be fatal as well.

[Tony T]

I've never met a woman I couldn't tame. But first, I have to figure if she's worth it. Now, if you were a real bxtch, I wouldn't waste my time. But if you just seems a little difficult, I would normally presume that in three or four days, things would change...if you know what I mean.

 

I think there are many ladies who just really enjoy a man putting them in their place. I can do that do.

 

I'm not an expert, but I can usually size up a situation pretty fast, decide if it's something I want to pursue, and then use the correct strategie to take command.

 

I think there is a good balance that can be achieved. But even when a lady is friendly, I don't like her too friendly, and I don't like her to say yes all the time...and to be available all the time. Things are just a lot more valuable the more rare and unattainable they seem.

 

You know, if diamonds could be found in every sand lot, they'd be next to worthless. So I like to work to find my diamonds and continue to work to keep them.

[Tony T]

Well, yes...men do want a nice girl. But each man has his own definition of a nice girl. Men don't want a pushover or a doormat. Men don't want a shadow. Men don't want a girl who jumps everytime he snaps his finger. I don't think that's what men mean by a nice girl.

 

Some men don't even know what they want.

 

But you are much better off being nice but not too nice. Assertive but not too assertive. Generous but not too generous. And, by all means, absolutely INSIST on respect, consideration and kindness in return. When someone you have been nice to starts giving you crap, let them know within two seconds that you don't take ANY CRAP from anybody. The go back to being nice...but not too nice.

[Rogue]

You seem quite passionate about the subject, Wgirl. You also seem a little bitter.

 

Heck, I've suffered the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome too! ( Maybe there's enough of us to start a support group??). I used to feel like you did, that never again will people walk all over me. Never again will I take garbage from women. Never again get pushed around. Never be too nice to a woman, her ego will just inflate out of control.

 

But I now I know it was simply human nature that people did took me for granted. I let them do it. It wasn't anything personal against me. It wasn't something people planned.It's something that just happened. That's why I'm no longer bitter of the treatment some women have given me in the past.(I'm not bitter about 90% of it. There's still that 10% left that %$%^$^% me off! Some women I know will forever be in my ignore list! hehehe)

 

And I wouldn't want to stop being a Nice Guy. Now I'm just a Nice Guy with a bit of an edge on him. I know how to put my foot down(gently without bitterness) and I'm a lot more careful about the type of woman I go out with. I personally , am attracted to the Nice Girl type, as long as she has a mind of her own. I know better than to take someone like that for granted, since I was taken for granted too. There really isn't enough of that type in the world!

 

But Wgirl, you said something about being in a position you're in because of your Nice Girl mentality. Was it something you posted on here at the Loveshack? I must've have missed it.

[WGirl]

I wouldn't say I am the type of girl who jumps when a man snaps his fingers. I am not quite that bad. I think men may get the impression I am like that. I would never be somebody's shadow. A pushover, I am sometimes.

 

You're right about letting someone know up front that you won't their crap because once you open the door for that kind of thing it continues to happen and it tends to get worse. In the past I have on occaision put up with crap I shouldn't have. I give people too many chances and I tend to feel bad for people.

Well, yes...men do want a nice girl. But each man has his own definition of a nice girl. Men don't want a pushover or a doormat. Men don't want a shadow. Men don't want a girl who jumps everytime he snaps his finger. I don't think that's what men mean by a nice girl. Some men don't even know what they want.

 

But you are much better off being nice but not too nice. Assertive but not too assertive. Generous but not too generous. And, by all means, absolutely INSIST on respect, consideration and kindness in return. When someone you have been nice to starts giving you crap, let them know within two seconds that you don't take ANY CRAP from anybody. The go back to being nice...but not too nice.

[WGirl]

The part about me being bitter was meant sarcastically. I am a little bitter. I am trying to get over it though.

 

A support group would be good. My name is WGirl and I suffer from 'nice girl' syndrome.

 

Now I said that I play a part in creating these situations or 'letting them do it.' It doesn't excuse the behavior on the part of the other person because most people know right from wrong. Even if I 'let them do it', it doesn't make their behavior ok either. I try not to take advantage of other people. I know the difference.

 

Well Rogue, I don't know if you have followed any of my posts on the board. I don't post every day. I have been posting here for a good five months off and on. I don't always use the same alias. I could tell you some good true stories. Some are a little embarrassing. A few even take the cake.

You seem quite passionate about the subject, Wgirl. You also seem a little bitter. Heck, I've suffered the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome too! ( Maybe there's enough of us to start a support group??). I used to feel like you did, that never again will people walk all over me. Never again will I take garbage from women. Never again get pushed around. Never be too nice to a woman, her ego will just inflate out of control. But I now I know it was simply human nature that people did took me for granted. I let them do it. It wasn't anything personal against me. It wasn't something people planned.It's something that just happened. That's why I'm no longer bitter of the treatment some women have given me in the past.(I'm not bitter about 90% of it. There's still that 10% left that %$%^$^% me off! Some women I know will forever be in my ignore list! hehehe) And I wouldn't want to stop being a Nice Guy. Now I'm just a Nice Guy with a bit of an edge on him. I know how to put my foot down(gently without bitterness) and I'm a lot more careful about the type of woman I go out with. I personally , am attracted to the Nice Girl type, as long as she has a mind of her own. I know better than to take someone like that for granted, since I was taken for granted too. There really isn't enough of that type in the world! But Wgirl, you said something about being in a position you're in because of your Nice Girl mentality. Was it something you posted on here at the Loveshack? I must've have missed it.

[WGirl]

I forgot to mention. I meant my life situation in general. It is quite complex. It has improved a little bit. Anyways, to make a long story short. I am estranged from most of my family for different reasons. I stopped bothering with some of the friends I had because they were taking advantage of me. I stayed in almost every weekend for 6 months with the exception of a few.

 

The point I am getting at is that I try to be a good friend to people. I am loyal. I am not a boyfriend stealer or anything like that. I am willing to help them if they need it and if I am able to do it. I am the type of person who is there for someone whether they are on top of the world or in the gutter.I have a lot to offer in relationships. Yet, friends in my past have abandoned me for fair-weathered friends. When I am in trouble or in need it seems like nobody is ever around. Everyone disappears like cockroaches when the light is turned on. I don't always do things because I expect a pay back but I don't like to keep doing and doing and then not get much in return. I always seem to be holding the shorter end of the stick in relationships. I think that's the point I am making.

You seem quite passionate about the subject, Wgirl. You also seem a little bitter. Heck, I've suffered the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome too! ( Maybe there's enough of us to start a support group??). I used to feel like you did, that never again will people walk all over me. Never again will I take garbage from women. Never again get pushed around. Never be too nice to a woman, her ego will just inflate out of control. But I now I know it was simply human nature that people did took me for granted. I let them do it. It wasn't anything personal against me. It wasn't something people planned.It's something that just happened. That's why I'm no longer bitter of the treatment some women have given me in the past.(I'm not bitter about 90% of it. There's still that 10% left that %$%^$^% me off! Some women I know will forever be in my ignore list! hehehe) And I wouldn't want to stop being a Nice Guy. Now I'm just a Nice Guy with a bit of an edge on him. I know how to put my foot down(gently without bitterness) and I'm a lot more careful about the type of woman I go out with. I personally , am attracted to the Nice Girl type, as long as she has a mind of her own. I know better than to take someone like that for granted, since I was taken for granted too. There really isn't enough of that type in the world! But Wgirl, you said something about being in a position you're in because of your Nice Girl mentality. Was it something you posted on here at the Loveshack? I must've have missed it.

[kikie]

i guess it makes a difference that i was a teen, and so were the guys around me ... i think the issue is diff. with adult men. so yey! - i can go back to my natural "wth dya want from me" attitude soonish, eh?

[Dragonflys]

I'm clear headed now I'm back from holidays.

 

Well, the nice guy issue is a tough one. Yeah, I'm a nice guy....um I thinks so...I certainly am on the surface, and I certainly would not hurt anyone.

 

Thing is though, I, like everyone else have my moments, and there are times I am selfish. I find that with my current gf when I sugar coat how I feel that she responds to what she thinks I am thinking, and the response is negatively heightened to that which occurs if I just come out openly with whatever I feel at the time. (I think I left my grammar in Boston..too late to fix it now!!)

 

I think the key to overcoming the nice guy syndrome is to be H.O.N.E.S.T. If you feel uncomfortable, then express that feeling in a cordial manner and discuss it with the partner. That way you do not get unwittingly or wittingly taken advantage of and things stay on the level. When this occurs there is a trueness to the relationship and it can realise true love, or bust before the wool is pulled over the eyes and bitterness develops.

 

I think this is the key to conflict resolution that Tony talks about occasionally.

[Ed]

Actually....diamonds are one of the most plentiful gemstones on Earth!

 

Tony, have you been hogging all the good women?

 

Your last name wouldn't happen to be DEBEERS would it?