Endnote Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 Not really a unique situation, but my ex's best friend, a former coworker of mine and the guy who introduced us, texted me after not hearing from him since the breakup and basically said "hey we haven't talked in a while, how are you?" I'm not necessarily saying it's a trap or that he's checking up on me for my ex's sake, but I made the mistake in past relationships of speaking to mutual friends not necessarily about the breakups or divorce but just my life and everything got back to my ex(s). I'm not really concerned about what gets back to my ex now, though I'd prefer she not hear sh*t, I'm more concerned that responding positively about my situation and asking our mutual friend about his life might lead him to talk about my ex (he's one hell of a gossip). I think not responding might be better for my own emotional sake (I really don't want to know what my ex is up to good or bad, and while I won't bring it up, he might), but I do like the idea of putting off indifference to my situation and just showing that my life is good without her (especially since...it actually is!). What you guys think? Anyone have a similar experience that ended up making things worse for you? PS, he's definitely much more her friend than mine, but he was a good friend before I met her. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 I think you would be smart to not respond. You don't need your ex finding out anything about you and you don't need to know anything about her. I would block her friends from contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 (edited) Not really a unique situation, but my ex's best friend, a former coworker of mine and the guy who introduced us, texted me after not hearing from him since the breakup and basically said "hey we haven't talked in a while, how are you?" I'm not necessarily saying it's a trap or that he's checking up on me for my ex's sake, but I made the mistake in past relationships of speaking to mutual friends not necessarily about the breakups or divorce but just my life and everything got back to my ex(s). I'm not really concerned about what gets back to my ex now, though I'd prefer she not hear sh*t, I'm more concerned that responding positively about my situation and asking our mutual friend about his life might lead him to talk about my ex (he's one hell of a gossip). I think not responding might be better for my own emotional sake (I really don't want to know what my ex is up to good or bad, and while I won't bring it up, he might), but I do like the idea of putting off indifference to my situation and just showing that my life is good without her (especially since...it actually is!). What you guys think? Anyone have a similar experience that ended up making things worse for you? PS, he's definitely much more her friend than mine, but he was a good friend before I met her. I can't say for sure why this guy contacted you but I can tell you in my experiences, exes have used their friends to contact me. Just like you, I found it was done in such a way where I would have to assume that it was just a friendly check up. It felt unusual though because the person wouldn't regularly talk to me and that unusual feeling I felt was often my gutt telling me this was an insincere interaction. After a few back and forths via messaging, they would stop carrying the conversation and wouldn't bother to contact me again. That was when I knew for sure, it was the ex. The friend got what they needed which was the information and then they left. This happens when exes feel anxiety..especially when you have blocked them so they they no longer have access to your life via social media or conversation. They don't know what's going on. Don't know if you've moved on or not. Their minds start painting these pictures of you being happy with someone new or what not. They may even succumb to the anxiety and contact you themselves if they have a way to do so. If they're too proud or don't really want to be with you or don't have access to you, they might use a friend just to clear their curiosity and soothe their anxiety. It's not because they want to be with you..its because they need to relieve their anxiety. As soon as the job is done, they leave again. Again, I can't say for sure your ex is behind this but I'd say its likely. This guy is HER friend to begin with so he's loyal to her and if he's a gossip, count on him talking to her about you. Trust your gutt. You're happy, you don't want her to know about your life, and I assume you don't want to be with her again so you don't need her or him or anyone in that circle anymore so don't just don't respond. That's how you avoid the drama. - Beach Edited December 14, 2018 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Endnote, is this someone that would have texted you when you were with your ex? If yes, it's entirely possible he thought of you and wondered how you are doing. If no, it does seem really weird. Go with what you think is best. If you think it's just going to make you feel anxious and stressed, it's totally fine to not reply. You don't owe her an explanation and you for sure don't owe him an explanation. Every time I get some kind of communication from someone that also knows my ex (we have a lot of mutual connections that I talk to outside of him) I get a pit in my stomach. I can't imagine how I would feel if someone very close to him were to get in touch. Value your own mental health over all else. At a later time, you can always check back in with him if you choose. I know you want to show everyone that you are doing great, but I know (for myself) I'd send a reply and then wonder what my ex's response was when he heard about it. It might make me nuts for a while. Maybe sit on it for a day or so before you respond? Give yourself time to consider both scenarios and see what feels better in your gut. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 If you respond just say "lm good but busy". Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Tell him you are thinking of joining the church to become a priest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Endnote Posted December 15, 2018 Author Share Posted December 15, 2018 (edited) Simple Logic had me laughing real good with that one. @nolanola he was a good friend even when my ex and I were together, he and I hung out a few times this year without my ex around, and we texted plenty. She hung out with him a lot more though. They've known each other since grade school so it's a long time friendship. I did forget to add that she moved into his house initially when she moved out of my house, so he's really only heard her side of the story, but in a sense he did take her side by allowing her to move in (I guess there's nothing wrong with that considering he doesn't really know my side). He's kinsey six gay so in case anyone was wondering, doubt something was going on there lol. Anyhow, I'm not gonna respond, that was my initial thought and I'm perfectly happy with that. Maybe one day he and I can be friends again, but right now it just doesn't make sense for my own emotional journey. My ex though, much different story. @Beachead always appreciate your posts, you're a couple years younger than me (I think) and yet some of the insight you have seems so vast compared to what I've collected over the years. Thanks again. Edited December 15, 2018 by Endnote Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 Simple Logic had me laughing real good with that one. @nolanola he was a good friend even when my ex and I were together, he and I hung out a few times this year without my ex around, and we texted plenty. She hung out with him a lot more though. They've known each other since grade school so it's a long time friendship. I did forget to add that she moved into his house initially when she moved out of my house, so he's really only heard her side of the story, but in a sense he did take her side by allowing her to move in (I guess there's nothing wrong with that considering he doesn't really know my side). He's kinsey six gay so in case anyone was wondering, doubt something was going on there lol. Anyhow, I'm not gonna respond, that was my initial thought and I'm perfectly happy with that. Maybe one day he and I can be friends again, but right now it just doesn't make sense for my own emotional journey. My ex though, much different story. @Beachead always appreciate your posts, you're a couple years younger than me (I think) and yet some of the insight you have seems so vast compared to what I've collected over the years. Thanks again. We're all fundamentally human my friend. I find when I am able to understand how I deal with my own pain, I was able to understand how others deal with theirs, much better. All good work is internal work. Keep doing you and let those people stay in the past where they belong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Endnote Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Not necessarily related to this thread, but figured I'd post something since it has to do with mutual friends of an ex. A mutual friend (not the same one I brought up above) deleted me on Social Media. This person never reached out and I honestly didn't expect any of the mutual friendships to continue but nevertheless I got emotional and butthurt, as I really enjoyed my friendship with this person and hung out plenty of times with this person without my ex. Obviously I didn't do anything about it, just kinda stayed pissed off for the moment. I'm sure I'll be over it in a day or two but I guess it's just an indicator that I still have healing to contend with, because in the midst of a breakup the loss of mutual friends/family is part of the grieving process. For those of you wondering, the only person I took off of my social media was my ex, I don't see any reason to delete those that are her friends or family because I can handle them seeing what I've got going. My ex doesn't deserve to have any part. That's not to say these people won't try to tell her what I've got going but that kind of sh*t doesn't bother me. Still have to live my best life, but sometimes the small things can be emotionally frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 All you lost was a fair weather friend. They don't mean much anyway Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I hate this types of things. It's like non-contact contact. It means very little but throws you off anyway. Perhaps this is the universe telling you that you're still healing, as you said. But clearly it's not getting a major response from you, like reaching out to her or something. So you've made progress, just not all the way. Link to post Share on other sites
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