Found my wife hiding out to avoid coming home

[dereng]

Things with my wife at home have been... okay, but not so great lately. We don't fight really, but more recently my wife has become this quiet, often moody, and distant person that she didn't used to be. It's become more frequent to the point that I can't make plans with her to do anything as a family (we have a 5 year old, married 10 years). She often gets very upset and frustrated to the point of fighting back tears, if asked to follow through with any family plans, even ones that she would suggest herself. If I call it out, she denies anything is wrong. She tries to pretend like she is not upset when she is, and tries to gloss it over like it's all in my head. Basically gas-lighting me. I get the impression that she gets this way simply because she doesn't want to be with, or near her family a lot of the time. I've noticed her being more avoidant overall, and just more quiet at home.

 

This has had me on notice for a while. The other day while I was off work with my boy, I was sitting at home bored and decided to check her "find my iPhone" while she was at work. To my surprise, she was not at work when she was supposed to be. Instead she was some other place not far from her work. I thought that it must be an error, it can't be accurate. Maybe somebody stole her phone? I decided to head out and navigate to where it said her phone was at. It took me to the parking lot of a nearby restaurant. Sure enough, when I got there I found her car parked in a corner space at the lot. It looked like it had been there for a while, as the falling snow was already piling up on it... ok, what the heck?

 

I was baffled as to what was going on. I decided to go into the restaurant to see if she was in there, but quickly realized that she was not. I waited a while and started to get a bit worried as her car was parked there for some time, but she was nowhere to be found. I couldn't take it any longer so I sent her a text, that I drove by and noticed she was at this place and I asked her aren't you still at work. She replied then saying "I got off early and stopped to go to the restroom". I then filled her in that this was over a half hour ago, I saw her car. To which she replies "I was taking a break"...

 

After she replied to my texts, I was completely taken aback to see her get out of the back seat of her snow covered car and walk into the restaurant from across the lot. Evidently, she had been there in the back seat of her car the whole time, with the engine off, in freezing cold weather. I had assumed she wasn't in there since the car was not even on and the windows covered in snow. When she came back out, she had to clean off the car before leaving. I would never have imagined her choosing to sit in there like that, seeing how she dislikes the cold. There's not even much room back there because of the boy's booster chair.

 

I've taken this to be a major red flag that something is definitely wrong. She would rather sit in the back of a uncomfortable freezing cold car, potentially for hours, than to come home? Needless to say, I'm a bit upset about that. She was evidently not planning to mention that she was off work, which is not like her at all. Normally she would text me on any occasion, usually just whenever she gets off work in general she will text me. So this was more or less a secretive thing, at a time when she thought no one would notice. I assume she was going to stay there and then come home at normal time, and act like she had been at work. It's not like I would tell her that she has to come home. She's free to do as she wants, but that fact that she would go to such lengths to discretely avoid coming home, is another matter entirely.

 

I feel my trust has been eroded by this. She basically lied when she told me she stopped there to go to the restroom, when actually she didn't do that, she just got into the back seat of her car, apparently. The restroom was just an excuse for her being there. She says she was taking a break and when I asked what that meant, she said just relaxing because she was tired. I asked her did she mean she was sleeping, to which she replied yes. Sleeping in freezing cold, with a seat cramped by a child's booster chair? No pillow, no blanket. Nothing like that. It's all a little hard for me to swallow frankly. When I ask why didn't she just come home to her warm house? She just says she doesn't know, offers no justification.

 

If she wanted to relax, or sleep, or whatever, obviously she is welcome to come home and do that and she knows this. Her commute from work is very brief. Honestly, I don't know what she was thinking. Was she just trying to avoid coming home to us, or was there some other ulterior motive for her to hang out in the back of her car in some random place? Part of me wishes that I would have had the presence of mind to go over and check out her car, just to make sure she was actually alone, or see if she was really asleep or what. I honestly don't know what was going on, but sleeping seems unlikely. To me the whole thing only confirms that she's perfectly willing to be deceptive and hide things from me... so how can I trust her? She of course tries to play the whole thing down, laugh about it and pretend like it means nothing, and continues to suggest there is nothing wrong. That there was no good reason why she did it. She tried to act overly friendly and light-hearted after getting home to gloss over the fact that I was not happy about this discovery.

 

So I ask you Loveshack - do you all think that I'm overreacting to this? If you found out that your spouse was hiding out in the back of their vehicle with nothing else to do besides come home, and they weren't telling you about it, how would you feel about that? Am I wrong to interpret this as a major red flag that something is wrong in our marriage or with her? This isn't normal, right? I feel like any other spouse would at this point say enough is enough and demand some kind of counseling to figure out what's going on, even though I think I already know and she just won't address it. I can't help but feel that one must really resent their family if they'd rather sit in the back of a snow covered car all day than admit they got off from work.

Edited December 15, 2018 by dereng

[darkmoon]

is she an undiagnosed depressive? chemicals in the brain make her innocent in all this, and she has trouble explaining herself, which is to be expected, as there is no way you know you are ill with depression, you just know life looks like sht

[Marc878]

Very not normal. Check your phone bill.

[Art_Critic]

Bored so you track your wife's whereabouts thru Find My Phone...WTF.. talk about breaking the trust off the bat..

 

Every time I have used that either on the Apple or Android it sends a message to the phone saying that the phone was found thru find my phone.

So unless you know something about Find My Phone I don't (which is possible as I'm no expert) then she knows you track her...

 

This type of tracking would be in my mind one of the ways people who commit domestic violence on their spouses use to show power over their spouse and use that power to track them..

How demeaning it must make her feel when she sees the message on her phone that you just tracked her.

 

She sounds depressed and repressed....

 

What to do ? you should talk to her and get it all out in the open, if it's just depression then get her help but if it's more like she is reacting to your tracking then you need to address your behavior..

[Kitty Tantrum]

Is it possible she's using drugs?

 

If she were having an affair, I wouldn't think she'd be entertaining her paramour in the cramped back seat of her car in a restaurant parking lot.

 

That IS a popular sort of of place for junkies to conduct their business, however.

 

It COULD also be that she's depressed or has other issues going on, but with the change of behavior you've described, I would be REALLY active about ruling out substance abuse before assuming it's the sort of problem that can be solved with some extra napping and alone time.

[Marc878]

Bored so you track your wife's whereabouts thru Find My Phone...WTF.. talk about breaking the trust off the bat..

 

Every time I have used that either on the Apple or Android it sends a message to the phone saying that the phone was found thru find my phone.

So unless you know something about Find My Phone I don't (which is possible as I'm no expert) then she knows you track her...

 

This type of tracking would be in my mind one of the ways people who commit domestic violence on their spouses use to show power over their spouse and use that power to track them..

How demeaning it must make her feel when she sees the message on her phone that you just tracked her.

 

She sounds depressed and repressed....

 

What to do ? you should talk to her and get it all out in the open, if it's just depression then get her help but if it's more like she is reacting to your tracking then you need to address your behavior..

 

So you've deduced OP is an abuser? Sounds like you're reaching on that one.

[BettyDraper]

Lovingly suggest that your wife needs to see a psychiatrist. Her behavior is not normal.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't help but feel that one must really resent their family if they'd rather sit in the back of a snow covered car all day than admit they got off from work.

 

All day? More like an hour or so.

 

I don't have the perspective of your shared home life but it seems you're making this more than it is. Maybe she just wanted to catch up on the latest Walking Dead without the pressure of being wife and mom. Lot's of guys stop off at the local tavern on the way home for a beer, are they "hiding out"?

 

I'd be alert but not suspicious. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Guildford]

Is it possible that your wife has recently lost her job and does not want to admit it to you. I had a client years ago who lost his job and it took his wife a month to learn of the job loss. Try calling your wife at work.

 

BTW, there is nothing wrong with spying on your wife if she is acting this strangely and she will not communicate with you. You are trying to help her in spite of her resistance.

[sadwithouthim]

I'm going with one of two scenarios here. Either she lost her job, and is afraid to tell you, or she's having an affair.

 

 

Either way, her behavior is very concerning. I'd say check her phone thoroughly.

 

 

What types of problems are there in the marriage? Does she express that she's unhappy?

[snowcones]

A couple of possibilities:

 

 

 

1) She was talking on the phone with someone. Most likely another man. This indicates to me, a long distance relationship. Check your phone bills.

 

2) I just want to point out, that it's not always easy to relax or sleep with a 5 year old at home. She may really have wanted to sleep. Or, she doesn't like her life with you or as a mother and wanted some alone time.

3) She lost her job.

[snowcones]

I know a guy who is married and has a 4 yo. He goes to his mother's house after work to get away from his home life and sits there watching TV alone until 8:30-9pm every single day. Then he goes home. Will he get a divorce? No way. So yes some people just want to get away.

[basil67]

So you've deduced OP is an abuser? Sounds like you're reaching on that one.

 

And your suggestion that the OP checks his phone bill is equally reaching.

 

Yes, her behaviour is concerning. None of us really has any idea what's going on.

[littleblackheart]

Like Art Critic, I find it very strange that you would casually track your wife's phone as a way of passing the time on your day off, then actually track her car down. Did you take your 5yo on your stake-out?

 

If I felt tracked down like that, I wouldn't like it very much.

 

You two clearly have communication issues; she seems withdrawn and that triggers some level of paranoia in you.

 

How are you talking to her? What does 'calling her out' on her behaviour means? It seems you are more concerned about yourself (and how this situation makes you feel) than finding out how she feels.

 

Only she can tell you why she's feeling the way she is - if you genuinely want to know, you need to make her feel like she can open up to you without getting the third degree, in a non-jugmental, respectful way.

 

If even she was cheating (which is a long shot at this point) you can't really stop her behavìour by checking her phone bill or tracking her every move.

[Art_Critic]

So you've deduced OP is an abuser? Sounds like you're reaching on that one.

 

No more than you deducing she is a cheater

 

He posted he tracks her and uses a method that she would know he tracks her, so he is using power and control over her making her isolated..

 

It is one of the signs of an abuser.. and a common one...

 

Who tracks their spouse ?

[elaine567]

No more than you deducing she is a cheater

 

He posted he tracks her and uses a method that she would know he tracks her, so he is using power and control over her making her isolated..

 

It is one of the signs of an abuser.. and a common one...

 

Who tracks their spouse ?

She is also acting like an abused woman.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think he behavior is odd at all. She wanted to be ALONE for whatever reason. I hide out in my car in far corners of parking lots periodically. Nobody is in the car. It's quiet. People aren't expecting things of me. It's refreshing.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hide out in my car in far corners of parking lots periodically. Nobody is in the car. It's quiet. People aren't expecting things of me. It's refreshing.

 

Agreed. Probably twice a week I'll stop at one of the bookstore/cafes in the area, get an espresso and zone out in the corner for 30 minutes. For my wife, it's wandering the aisles of Hobby Lobby. Everyone needs "me" time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Eternal Sunshine]

When I lived with an ex, I would do this all the time. I am a loner by nature and just wanted some peace and quiet.

[Kitty Tantrum]

I've been known to "hide" sometimes as well, and if it were JUST that, I wouldn't think it was cause for concern. The initial description of the change in her behavior/demeanor at home is a bit alarming, though.

[Art_Critic]

For my wife, it's wandering the aisles of Hobby Lobby.

 

I used to do the same at Lowes and Home Depot, tool aisles....

 

At work I go to the restroom even though I don't have to go when I can't gather my thoughts and deadlines are crushing me.

 

Here at home my wife goes to her office upstairs and I turn on Hulu and LoveShack.

 

I don't however track my wife's whereabouts thruout the day or follow her anywhere, I might call her and ask her what she is up to, other than that she is on her own...

[dereng]

Is it possible she's using drugs?

 

 

 

 

I've thought about that. She has no history of drug use that I'm aware of. I've never come across anything that looks like drugs, but I know that some of the people she works with have histories of drug use. Not sure what kind of drug she could be taking that would wear off or not make her noticeably high when she comes home, or that would not inhibit her ability to drive.

 

The only thing I know she takes are those weight loss supplement pills. I don't know if those can have any untended side effects that could change her behavior.

 

All day? More like an hour or so.

 

I don't have the perspective of your shared home life but it seems you're making this more than it is. Maybe she just wanted to catch up on the latest Walking Dead without the pressure of being wife and mom. Lot's of guys stop off at the local tavern on the way home for a beer, are they "hiding out"?

 

 

 

If they keep it secret, and if they do it just so that they don't have to go home to their family, I would say yes they are. You would be hard pressed to argue that she did this for the fun in it, or just to kill time. This was a compromise. She told me she went to sleep like that. I agree that it seems she wants to avoid being wife and mom, but it's not because we won't let her watch TV at home. She gets plenty of space at home, especially as of late.

 

 

I'm going with one of two scenarios here. Either she lost her job, and is afraid to tell you, or she's having an affair.

 

 

Either way, her behavior is very concerning. I'd say check her phone thoroughly.

 

 

What types of problems are there in the marriage? Does she express that she's unhappy?

 

 

She didn't loose her job. We're still receiving regular checks from them, and I've seen the stubs. She really did just get off from work early that day, but it was very unlike her not to text and let me know. Especially since there was a winter storm passing through. I've not found any evidence of an affair. I have no suspicions of who, or how that could be happening. To my knowledge she has no male friends, not even on social media that I'm aware of. But what I'm having trouble piecing together is if she was merely trying to avoid coming home, why go to the back seat? Why stop the engine entirely? It seems like an attempt to be discrete and not noticed.

 

 

As far as problems, there are her moods she's been having, which she is never willing to address or admit are real. To me it seems like she is unhappy, but she always suggests that nothing is wrong when I ask. We both work a lot, and we a have a 5 year old with developmental problems so that is a challenge. Things have become a bit dull and routine at home, but if I try to change things up and make plans she ends up making me regret it by the way she acts with her moods. At times I feel a bit neglected at home, when I don't hear a peep out of her all evening. I once saw on her social media page, where she had liked a post about regretting having kids. That was a few years back, I never confronted her about it but that has stuck in my mind. I feel like she regrets having a kid, although she does act affectionate and loving towards him. There are some other minor things, like a number of traffic tickets and accidents she's had this year, but the financial burden wasn't extreme or anything.

[treehugger12]

A concerned husband or wife would track there spouse and I don’t blame OP at all for that. I don’t remember reading that he makes a habit of this so jumping to conclusions that he does this all the time is a bit dramatic. If I noticed changes in my husband’s behavior I would do the same.

 

I can understand your wife wanting quiet time, I myself like my quiet time and when I am driving, I don’t even like the stereo on, when I’m out walking my 3 miles, sometimes don’t even bring my earbuds. I don’t even have children. But what is concerning to me is that she was in the backseat with the car off. Why not be in the front seat with it laid back? Can I ask how old she is? Maybe early menopause is messing with her hormones which could explain her behavior at home and she could be depressed.

 

By the way...good for you for being a concerned husband and seeking help and advice.

Edited December 15, 2018 by treehugger12

[TobyBoy]

Your wife’s action are those of a stalker.

[dereng]

 

If even she was cheating (which is a long shot at this point) you can't really stop her behavìour by checking her phone bill or tracking her every move.

 

 

What does this even mean? Are you suggesting there's nothing I could potentially do about it, so I should just accept it? If she was seeing someone, then at the very least I certainly can stop her from being married to me any longer while she does it.

 

 

 

She is also acting like an abused woman.

 

 

Well, that's funny because she isn't. I've never laid a hand on her. We don't even fight, or get into arguments often. She gets an abundance of time to herself, and she does whatever she wants and has whatever she wants. Hence why I'm upset, and confused by her behavior.

 

 

 

I've been concerned about her lately and have been keeping a closer eye on things, but that's because of her changes at home. It's not the other way around like some are trying to twist it.

 

 

 

I don't think he behavior is odd at all. She wanted to be ALONE for whatever reason. I hide out in my car in far corners of parking lots periodically. Nobody is in the car. It's quiet. People aren't expecting things of me. It's refreshing.

 

 

Have you ever gotten into your own back seat, in freezing cold weather? Did you ever give someone a false excuse when asked what you were doing? I agree there's such a thing as killing time, or just feeling lazy. But there is a distinct difference in that and setting up camp in your car.

 

 

If she had at least told me she was off work, and said she was going to do this, I wouldn't have understood why but I wouldn't feel like she was hiding and trying to deceive me. She always texts me, but this time she didn't. When I texted her, she tried to give a lame excuse for why she was there, rather than be direct. The fact that she did not text me at all (given her normal texting habits), tells me that she knew what she was doing wasn't good, or at least wasn't reasonable so she didn't want me to know.

Edited December 15, 2018 by dereng