Found my wife hiding out to avoid coming home

[standtall]

I've hidden in my car when the kids where younger when I got off early just so I didn't have to deal with the chaos for an hour or two.I must admit I felt guilty about it, and thought to myself if I was strange or not for doing so.

 

It's worth digging...quietly....but not full panic time yet. Some ideas.

 

1. It could be what I was doing.

2. Depression or some other mental issue.

3. She could of got fired and is ashamed.

4. She could be having an affair of some type.

5. She could have a drug problem.

 

Don't go off the reservation on her with this one....give her the benefit of the doubt and see if she needs help.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you've noticed behavioural changes in her at home, then I would venture to say that you're not wrong to be concerned about this recent car discovery, OP. You appear to recognize this recent change is out of character for her, and I think any spouse would be troubled by the greater picture here.

 

As others mentioned, maybe she's got some issues with depression building up and doesn't know how to cope. Perhaps there's something she's been gearing up to tell you and needed time to space out.

 

Maybe she was waiting for someone and you spotted her first.

 

Whatever the case may be, you need to have an honest, non-confrontational talk with her. Even apart from finding out she was sitting in the back of a freezing car, something is clearly going on inside her. Your marriage is having a rough patch and you need to be clear with her that she can trust you to open up and share what is playing on her mind.

Edited December 15, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever gotten into your own back seat, in freezing cold weather? Did you ever give someone a false excuse when asked what you were doing? I agree there's such a thing as killing time, or just feeling lazy. But there is a distinct difference in that and setting up camp in your car.

 

Yes, I have lied to people about where I am. The front seat in my car is more comfy or I would have gotten in the back.

 

Her behavior is strange (for her not in general) . Tell her your concerns & listen when she talks to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

If they keep it secret, and if they do it just so that they don't have to go home to their family, I would say yes they are.

 

I'd guess they do it because, for those few minutes, it's a more attractive choice than the alternative. Certainly a guess, but your wife may have simply seen it as a break from the pressures of job and family. She was supposed to be at work anyway, figured you wouldn't miss her (or track her ) and chilled out for an hour.

 

She gets plenty of space at home, especially as of late.

 

Says you.

 

You're acting as though she's taken something from you. Marriage isn't binary, her gain doesn't have to be your loss. Even if this is puzzling to you, doesn't make it a threat...

 

Mr. Lucky

[snowcones]

dereng, your wife may be doing this in secret because she feels like she is escaping that way. An escape is only an escape if you do it in secret...and that gives her some sense of control and independence in an otherwise uncontrollable situation (such as marriage, lol)

Now I know that might seem unfair to you. She gets to escape whereas you don't. I say let her have the secret escape but if she's doing it too much and the household/childrearing responsibilities are falling more on you, then tell her that it's ok if she rests in her car sometimes but you would like to do that too, so maybe she can do it half of the time that she's doing it now, and you can have your alone time escape the other half so things can be a bit more balanced and fair.

[snowcones]

I know a guy who is married and has a 4 yo. He goes to his mother's house after work to get away from his home life and sits there watching TV alone until 8:30-9pm every single day. Then he goes home. Will he get a divorce? No way. So yes some people just want to get away.

 

 

About this.....I also want to say that when I would see this I always thought it was extremely unfair to his wife who was stuck at home taking care of the kid. Like she didn't get even a quarter of the alone time he got. As someone who needs alone time (me) that would piss me off if I was his wife. But then again, she is a stay at home mom and he is the sole-provider, so maybe she sees it as the trade-off.

Edited December 16, 2018 by snowcones

[loversquarrel]

She is also acting like an abused woman.

 

She is also behaving like an abusive spouse.

[dereng]

Can I ask how old she is? Maybe early menopause is messing with her hormones which could explain her behavior at home and she could be depressed.

 

 

She is 30.

 

 

 

Says you.

 

You're acting as though she's taken something from you. Marriage isn't binary, her gain doesn't have to be your loss. Even if this is puzzling to you, doesn't make it a threat...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

She gets alone time every evening after the boy eats dinner, until it's time for him to go to bed, and then some. Often times I barely hear a peep out of her in the evening, as she hangs out by herself in another room of the house just looking at her phone all night. What I find threatening is the secrecy. It has taken my trust down a bit because I never saw her as being less than honest about anything.

 

 

dereng, your wife may be doing this in secret because she feels like she is escaping that way. An escape is only an escape if you do it in secret...and that gives her some sense of control and independence in an otherwise uncontrollable situation (such as marriage, lol)

 

What throws up a red flag to me is the secretive aspect. I've never known her to be secretive, or deceptive at all. Normally, she will always text me when she gets off from work to say what her plans are, or ask if I need anything brought home, etc. It's very unlike her to not text. It's also very unlike her to sit in the cold voluntarily. That's not her usual method of killing time.

 

 

 

If she would have texted me and said she was off, I would not have questioned her whereabouts, or even given it another thought. It's not like I would tell her what she has to do. So I don't see why keep it secret, or why make up an excuse.

[Mr. Lucky]

What throws up a red flag to me is the secretive aspect. I've never known her to be secretive, or deceptive at all. Normally, she will always text me when she gets off from work to say what her plans are, or ask if I need anything brought home, etc. It's very unlike her to not text. It's also very unlike her to sit in the cold voluntarily. That's not her usual method of killing time.

 

Why does she owe you notice every time she leaves work or knowledge about her location every hour of the day? If this is deceptive and secretive, I'm guilty of the same many times per week...

 

Mr. Lucky

[darkmoon]

take her out to a restaurant, and tell her you love her

 

 

for all we know this is simply a case of a wife starved of romance

 

 

I say have weekly date-nights... real dress-up get ready stuff, many women enjoy a reason to look glamourous

Edited December 16, 2018 by darkmoon

[littleblackheart]

What does this even mean? Are you suggesting there's nothing I could potentially do about it, so I should just accept it? If she was seeing someone, then at the very least I certainly can stop her from being married to me any longer .

 

You need to keep things in perspective, OP. It's a bit odd that you are focusing on this part of my post while ignoring the fact that you took your 5yo with you to track his mother's whereabouts on your day off.

 

I get that you need 'proof' (?) but that's going a tad too far in your quest for The Truth, imo. You seem completely immersed in how you're feeling, at this point.

 

You don't have to track her every move to divorce her; you don't need irrefutable proof to want to leave. What you are already feeling is enough to get things going if you feel that strongly that things are off kilter and there is no recourse. Putting her into a corner will achieve nothing good, imo.

 

How long have you given it / her to open up to you? What have you done (other than 'call her out') to get to the bottom of this situation - truthfully?

 

Take a deep breath, try to gather your thoughts rationally and look at things from the perspective of helping sort the situation in a calm and measured way - one that doesn't include stake-outs and devise-tracking schemes.

 

Do you have mutual friends you can seek advice from?

[Timshel]

She is 30.

 

She gets alone time every evening after the boy eats dinner, until it's time for him to go to bed, and then some. Often times I barely hear a peep out of her in the evening, as she hangs out by herself in another room of the house just looking at her phone all night. What I find threatening is the secrecy. It has taken my trust down a bit because I never saw her as being less than honest about anything.

 

 

What throws up a red flag to me is the secretive aspect. I've never known her to be secretive, or deceptive at all. Normally, she will always text me when she gets off from work to say what her plans are, or ask if I need anything brought home, etc. It's very unlike her to not text. It's also very unlike her to sit in the cold voluntarily. That's not her usual method of killing time.

 

If she would have texted me and said she was off, I would not have questioned her whereabouts, or even given it another thought. It's not like I would tell her what she has to do. So I don't see why keep it secret, or why make up an excuse.

 

 

There is nothing in your post here that is out of line or controlling. Not a thing. You are correct OP to wonder what is going on with your wife.

 

 

Did you point blank tell her that you are concerned about her behavior and what is happening in your relationship? Remember, the two of you have a relationship.

Something is wrong, you know it and are asking us about it. Time to talk to your wife.

[Timshel]

After she replied to my texts,

<SNIP>

 

 

All of this, the entire OP. No person in their right mind would do this. Get into the back seat of a car with snow, heat off.

 

 

OP, you need to talk to your wife, now. Tell her you know that she is depressed and want to go to counseling with her, stat.

 

 

 

Your wife, OP, she is not ok and you need to help her.

Edited December 17, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Timshel]

The only thing that irks me about your posts dereng, is that you continually refer to your (?) son as 'the boy.'

[quoththeraven]

It sounds like your wife is suffering from severe mental illness and is possibly suicidal or psychotic. I don't know why you are all worked up about trust when you have a much more serious issue on your hands.

[L0nely]

Unless you have hard evidence that she's cheating, your wife is simply wanting some peace and quiet to herself. I have a 3 years old and an annoying husband, I too sometimes also sleep in the car at times to get away from the home life. At times I come home from work and super tired, parked on my snowy driveway, instead of going into the house, I would take a nap in the car instead. A little peace and quiet all to myself sometimes is the thing that keeps me sane. Your wife might just be the same.

[Wallysbears]

I would like to hide in the back of my minivan and take a nap some days.

 

If I got out of work early one day randomly, I may do that.

 

It is the holiday season, you have a special needs young child. The woman probably just wanted to be ALONE in peace for a little while.

[SJS]

 

As far as problems, there are her moods she's been having, which she is never willing to address or admit are real. To me it seems like she is unhappy, but she always suggests that nothing is wrong when I ask. We both work a lot, and we a have a 5 year old with developmental problems so that is a challenge. Things have become a bit dull and routine at home, but if I try to change things up and make plans she ends up making me regret it by the way she acts with her moods. At times I feel a bit neglected at home, when I don't hear a peep out of her all evening. I once saw on her social media page, where she had liked a post about regretting having kids. That was a few years back, I never confronted her about it but that has stuck in my mind. I feel like she regrets having a kid, although she does act affectionate and loving towards him. There are some other minor things, like a number of traffic tickets and accidents she's had this year, but the financial burden wasn't extreme or anything.

I have a child with a chronic medical condition, and there was a time when I needed to go through all the stages of grief and did need help from a professional on how to cope. When preparing for a child, you are aware that things can happen to the baby or be "wrong", but what are the chances? Then when it actually does happen, what mother will admit that this isn't what they signed up for...it is so emotionally draining where you second guess every little thing you've ever done and its affect on your child. My wild guess is that she is not coping and is actually planning on how to leave the family. Personally, I'd get in to a therapist under the pretense that *you* need some help, and maybe that will get her to open up.

[bathtub-row]

Dealing with a child with problems has got to be extremely challenging. I think it’s possible that she doesn’t want to have to answer to you for every move she makes. If I were you, I wouldn’t have let her know I was watching her on the phone. That has made her even more defensive. Not sure what to tell you but I think she’s very depressed in her marriage and life in general and there’s a part of her that believes talking about it won’t solve anything.

[Whoknew30]

I have A child with developmental issues & it’s exhausting. For whatever reason your wife doesn’t trust you enough to open up & I can kind of see why. Instead of concern for her actual well being, you seem to be making it about “you”. Your wife would rather sit in the cold than talk to you & it’s all “I don’t trust her, it’s all about my feelings, I’m going to try & trick her by not telling her I was In the parking lot”....if your mind goes to cheating when she’s never been untrustworthy & you didn’t see another guy...you’re kind of being a insecure jerk.

 

I’ve done something like this & it’s bc sometimes my husband isn’t getting it & often makes my issues about him or says “that’s not my fault” for everything vs actually letting me vent & just supporting me. How about pamper her a little, ask her out on a date, tell her she seems sad & you don’t know why, that you live her & you know how hard it is for her as a mother to see her child struggle. I kniw it’s hard for dad’s too but it’s just different...us can, at times mother’s take our children’s struggles emotionally different than men.

 

Stop fortune telling & try to make her comfortable enough to talk to you...all you’re going to do is make her run from you. Try these things before you become so negatively gloom & doom vs trying to figure out the issue.

[Sunlight72]

I think the wife's nap in the car is really not a big deal. What lengths does the woman need to go to in order to have 45 minutes of non-reporting peace and quiet? For Pete's sake - just let her have a free breath of air. Tracking her phone during work hours? Doing the covert detective phone call and 'catching' her in a lie because she didn't have a Constitutionally valid reason for taking a break?

 

Is everybody a master psychiatrist now? She said she was taking a break. She was taking a break. Let the woman take a break. That means no reporting, explaining, being driven to a psych hospital because her reason isn't sufficiently proven in family court. Sheesh. Makes me want to divorce and hide from the OP (and 1/2 the posters in this thread) and I don't even know him.

[Kitty Tantrum]

Seems like a lot of folks want to gloss over the part where the wife's behavior changed DRAMATICALLY before OP decided to check up on her whereabouts. I'd also speculate a lot of these people would probably be singing a different tune if the genders were reversed.

 

Listen to your gut, OP. I sure hope she's "just" stressed and needs some help, but none of us know that. It could be any number of things - some of which it would be irresponsible not to rule out with a vulnerable child in the home.

Edited December 19, 2018 by Kitty Tantrum
submitted too soon!

[Mr. Lucky]

Makes me want to...hide from the OP (and 1/2 the posters in this thread) and I don't even know him.

 

Don't hide in your car with your iPhone on - they'll find you!

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

This is a very sad story overall. There seems to be some deep seated unhappiness at the root of the family situation. Maybe the OP and his wife have a compatibility problem or maybe his wife is just desperately unhappy and this behaviour of hers reflects that unhappiness. In the OP's posts there is a dryness in his demeanour that comes across. If no serious effort is made to resolve the problems that obviously seem to exist between them, it would be better that they go their separate ways. At least both of them would be happier. Just some thoughts.

[Timshel]

Things with my wife at home have been... okay, but not so great lately. We don't fight really, but more recently my wife has become this quiet, often moody, and distant person that she didn't used to be. It's become more frequent to the point that I can't make plans with her to do anything as a family (we have a 5 year old, married 10 years). She often gets very upset and frustrated to the point of fighting back tears, if asked to follow through with any family plans, even ones that she would suggest herself. If I call it out, she denies anything is wrong. She tries to pretend like she is not upset when she is, and tries to gloss it over like it's all in my head. Basically gas-lighting me. I get the impression that she gets this way simply because she doesn't want to be with, or near her family a lot of the time. I've noticed her being more avoidant overall, and just more quiet at home.

 

She's free to do as she wants, but that fact that she would go to such lengths to discretely avoid coming home, is another matter entirely.

When I ask why didn't she just come home to her warm house? She just says she doesn't know, offers no justification.

 

If she wanted to relax, or sleep, or whatever, obviously she is welcome to come home and do that and she knows this.

 

 

 

So I ask you Loveshack - do you all think that I'm overreacting to this? If you found out that your spouse was hiding out in the back of their vehicle with nothing else to do besides come home, and they weren't telling you about it, how would you feel about that? I can't help but feel that one must really resent their family if they'd rather sit in the back of a snow covered car all day than admit they got off from work.

 

 

I cherry picked out of the original OP some of the points that I think are concerning and that the OP seems to be sincerely and legitimately worried.

 

 

I think every posters input on this thread is valuable and based on the limited information from which to contribute, some good advice has been provided from multiple points of view. I've also learned that a few members do hide out from their family in their cars, lol, I would never had thought a spouse/parent would do so, but that is based on my own experiences and relationships. To each their own.

 

 

I'm going to stay in the opinion that there are some serious issues that OP should address with his wife, for the sake of their family and her own well being.

 

 

I do hope that every thing is ok with OP, his wife and son, would love to get an update dereng.