fieldoflavender Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 If this is against your values - I.e. you could never live with family I.e. aging parents in a relationship, and the person you're dating is doing it (but may have legit reasons, like a family member is sick), would this be a deal breaker for you? I'm struggling to see how I feel. I mean no one can predict illness. I think for an acute situation, I can deal with it temporarily for a few months. But if they need extended care, I just simply can't do it. My parents and I have had this discussion - they do not expect this of me and they want me to have my own life. Of course I would not desert them, but I can not be the primary caregiver. And if they're healthy, I don't see why they can't live in their space. How do you bring up these topics in a very early relationship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 I could not date someone that lives at his parents because it's 'cheaper' or because he's getting back up a divorce. This is no reasons to be sucking off your parents. If it was a matter of his parent being of old age and needing daily care then it wouldn't be a matter of value, it would be a matter of availability. At my age do I want to date someone that is tie down. Can he get away to travel, does he have to go back home each night for example. That would be more my concern. I have a lady friend of 63, she met a man in his late 50 and it was his situation. Both his parents were very old, he lived with his aging parents who needed physical assistance. She broke up because he wasn't free to sleep over her place, or travel. It's not complicated to talk about it, just ask if his parents are in good health and if they have a plan for when they will need physical care. Ask it on a 1st or 2nd date, it's a random subject. My fear was to date someone that moves away when he retires. I did not even wait to meet the man, I'd ask during a first conversation on line. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 If this is against your values - I.e. you could never live with family I.e. aging parents in a relationship, and the person you're dating is doing it (but may have legit reasons, like a family member is sick), would this be a deal breaker for you? As a woman, you will likely be expected to take on the elderly parents and you will end up taking on the responsibility and doing most of the work. Be careful. Extended families in some cultures are the norm, does he come from such a culture? Extended families have plus points and minus points but for most of us brought up in a Western style culture, they can be very difficult to adapt to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 I lived with a BF years ago. When his mother got cancer & his parents were moving back to our area from Florida to obtain medical care they lived with us for about 6 months while they were hunting for a new place to live & while she needed care. As my parents got older & fell ill, we brought in home care to them but DH & I talked about it. He felt he could not live with them (they were difficult people & DH is an introvert) but he understood the need. We started shopping around for a 2 family house so that I'd be right there but there would be separation. It never came to that but I was content with his solution. When it comes to end of life care giving, try to temper your decisions with compassion. I would prefer a nurturing partner then somebody who abandoned parents in their time of need. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 When it comes to end of life care giving, try to temper your decisions with compassion. I would prefer a nurturing partner then somebody who abandoned parents in their time of need. Amen. Even the best laid plans don't anticipate hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills, one parent struggling after the other passes or other life issues. If you've ever been to a nursing home, most of them are not someplace I'd let a loved one stay long-term. fieldoflavender, someday this could be you, elderly and scared, we're talking about... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 It's an absolute dealbreaker for me if it's a long-term prospect - and I come from a culture where it's common. I support taking care of your parents when they are older - by which I mean, getting them the best of care and visiting them as frequently as you possibly can. Possibly even living NEAR them. But living in the same house? No way, no how. Amen. Even the best laid plans don't anticipate hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills, one parent struggling after the other passes or other life issues. If you've ever been to a nursing home, most of them are not someplace I'd let a loved one stay long-term. fieldoflavender, someday this could be you, elderly and scared, we're talking about... Mr. Lucky Putting myself in those shoes, I would much rather take a one-way trip to Dignitas, than expect my child and their spouse to give up their life to care for me full-time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 My husband and I *swore* we would never be the ones taking care of our aging parents and/or having them live with us. Was NEVER going to happen. And now we have my elderly mother living with us. As with much of life, when we make plans, God laughs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Putting myself in those shoes, I would much rather take a one-way trip to Dignitas, than expect my child and their spouse to give up their life to care for me full-time. There is a middle ground. When my mom was terminal, my sisters and I (we all lived close together) arranged for her care in my oldest sibling's home. We each had rotating days and times based on our schedules and we also split the cost of in-home nursing for nights and medical needs. She spent her final 13 months this way and I wouldn't trade the time with her (and bonding with my adult sisters) for anything. To each his own... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Yes, I could be with a man who is caring for a very ill or elderly (i.e. so old that they need daily care) parent. I have compassion for this. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I would be there for my husband to help him with his parents, but only because of our long relationship and marriage. No way in hell I’d assist a boyfriend, or enter into a relationship with someone that appeared to be close to having to assume caretaking duties. There wouldn’t be enough of a foundation built for me to withstand the pressure of helping someone do this. I’ve got very limited stores of patience and goodwill so I’ve found my life is easier when I don’t test my limits often, and especially not for someone who I don’t have a serious relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 There is a middle ground. When my mom was terminal, my sisters and I (we all lived close together) arranged for her care in my oldest sibling's home. We each had rotating days and times based on our schedules and we also split the cost of in-home nursing for nights and medical needs. She spent her final 13 months this way and I wouldn't trade the time with her (and bonding with my adult sisters) for anything. To each his own... Mr. Lucky I am very sorry for your loss. 13 months is "short term" though IMO. The OP is asking about long term - in my mind, that is something like 5 years or more. They are also taking about being the primary carer, i.e. full time, not rotating with siblings. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 There is a middle ground. When my mom was terminal, my sisters and I (we all lived close together) arranged for her care in my oldest sibling's home. We each had rotating days and times based on our schedules and we also split the cost of in-home nursing for nights and medical needs. She spent her final 13 months this way and I wouldn't trade the time with her (and bonding with my adult sisters) for anything. To each his own... Mr. Lucky This is exactly what my sisters and I did while caring for our terminally ill mom. They’re both married and it wasn’t a big strain on either of their marriages, since it’s nearly three years later and they’re still going strong. I had more challenge than they did because I’m a single mom and two of my children were non-driving teenagers at the time. They had husbands to pitch in and their children were young adults. My one sister hinted at putting my mom in a home but my other sister and I wouldn’t hear of it. I lost total respect for her during our “bonding”. Anyway if your partner cares about you they’ll care about what you care about too. My sisters and their husbands didn’t all make it to the 25 year mark by not being on the same page during rough times. Does your partner at least have siblings near by and do you so that it won’t all fall on your shoulders alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I am very sorry for your loss. 13 months is "short term" though IMO. The OP is asking about long term - in my mind, that is something like 5 years or more. They are also taking about being the primary carer, i.e. full time, not rotating with siblings. Thanks for your thoughts. Had it been longer, our approach wouldn't have been any different. I've been to enough nursing and care facilities to know I'd never let a loved one live out their years there if I could prevent it. I do understand, each situation and choice is different... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Had it been longer, our approach wouldn't have been any different. I've been to enough nursing and care facilities to know I'd never let a loved one live out their years there if I could prevent it. I do understand, each situation and choice is different... Same. My dad was sent to the rehab section in two nursing homes where he stayed short term before heading home after being in the hospital and they are the saddest places ever. We were fortunate in that we didn’t have to make that very difficult decision for either of my parents. My dad died in the hospital and my mom died at home after being given nine months to live. That’s what made me so mad about my sister suggesting it. As it was she died three months sooner than was given. But if it’s years that’s a really hard call to make and I feel for anyone who’s been in those shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I mean, if they're taking care of their old parents, just leave them be -- but Lord, no, don't move in! Just keep it all separate. The parents wouldn't even want you there. If it seems legit and they're really ill or old, fine. If you feel it's just an excuse because he doesn't want to be out on his own, run. Find out if he's ever lived completely alone or not. If no, he's just making excuses in all likelihood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fieldoflavender Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I think it reflects on values and what you want in a life you envisioned. And you may have different feelings at different stages of your life too. I think my answer at this time would still be unless temporary (months I'm talking about) I could not do more than a year for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
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