Men: Here is how to earn some brownie points with the ladies!

[Cersei]

My experience has taught me that if a woman is sexually interested in you, none of these gestures are "necessary". If a woman is not sexually interested in you, you could do all of the sweet gestures in the world and it would make no difference. The advice I would give to my younger self is to hold back on these sorts of gestures until after the relationship becomes sexual.

 

Nobody said the gestures are necessary but isn't treating a woman in a kind, thoughtful, caring way a good thing to do? If a dude gets lazy with the gestures will she still feel the spark and want to climb all over him?

 

His kindest gestures made me melt. I'm just telling you how this female mind thinks.

[Lorenza]

Such things are an issue of personality not gender.

 

My wife isn't the type who likes "there there, it will be ok" on the receiving end, and is mostly not inclined to offer such platitudes to others either.

 

It is linked to gender, there are a lot of articles on the topic, but no generalization applies to each and every individual. However, my experience confirms the stereotype of men being problem solvers and women generally just wanting to talk it out.

[Cersei]

When it's early in the dating game, if you are sitting on the fence about a guy and certainly not under the same roof, 90% of those things either don't come into play or don't earn "points."

 

I disagree. If I were sitting on the fence about a guy and he did something nice my eyes and heart will 100 percent be opened to see what more he has to offer.

 

But yes if you are still trying to date her and she is not interested, no don't bother.

[SophieG]

I'm hearing you, brother! I'm a victim of the same mistake. Trying to do too much. Despite being "assured" that women want a sweet guy who treats them right over "a jerk with money and/or looks" I'm struggling to not call it BS.

 

I’m full of s**t then!! Or maybe, you’ve been dating the wrong kind of women.

When I date and I find a repetitive pattern of things that aren’t working, my friends tell me that I should try dating other type of guys... maybe that advice wouls be good for you!

[Lorenza]

A female friend and coworker said the same thing to me a while back. One day shortly afterward as she was preparing to leave work, her car wouldn't start. I came downstairs, put my hand on her shoulder, and said "it will be alright". She was not amused.

 

Sometimes women want a guy to just listen. Sometimes they want their problem solved. I've been burned for both by guessing incorrectly which one she wanted at that time.

 

You misunderstand. I said "problem" with "" not without a reason. Some "problems" don't require fixing, just hearing your partner out and offering some empathy rather than advice. A broken down car is not something you just vent about, it's a concrete problem. I meant something that doesn't really require an immediate solution.

For example - telling about a disagreement with a certain person, expressing my disappointment and annoyance and getting a "oh, they probably didn't mean it, you overreact, just try talking to them, why don't you just apologize first and get it over with", like he's trying to fix the situation in a desperate attempt to convince me it's not an issue. I mean I get it, the guy doesn't want me to be upset, but come on, just let me tell something I'm going through without giving advice all the time

[Shining One]

Nobody said the gestures are necessary but isn't treating a woman in a kind, thoughtful, caring way a good thing to do? If a dude gets lazy with the gestures will she still feel the spark and want to climb all over him?

I agree that kind should gestures should be a part of a healthy relationship. I'm only advocating that a man should confirm there is sexual interest on the woman's part before you open the floodgates on these gestures. I used to do a lot of the things mentioned in this thread and more before getting sexual with women. It only led to bitterness on my part after she rejected / dumped me.

[Shining One]

You misunderstand. I said "problem" with "" not without a reason. Some "problems" don't require fixing, just hearing your partner out and offering some empathy rather than advice. A broken down car is not something you just vent about, it's a concrete problem. I meant something that doesn't really require an immediate solution.

For example - telling about a disagreement with a certain person, expressing my disappointment and annoyance and getting a "oh, they probably didn't mean it, you overreact, just try talking to them, why don't you just apologize first and get it over with", like he's trying to fix the situation in a desperate attempt to convince me it's not an issue. I mean I get it, the guy doesn't want me to be upset, but come on, just let me tell something I'm going through without giving advice all the time

Not too long ago, my girlfriend was venting (or so I thought) about a girl problem with her teenage son. She was actually looking for a solution, but I thought she was just venting. I provided emotional support when she really wanted me to address the issue with her son directly. A few months before that, she was venting to me about how her other son kept installing random applications on her phone. I suggested a solution to that problem and she got upset that I was trying to solve her problem instead of just listening. I can't win sometimes.

[rightondude]

My experience has taught me that if a woman is sexually interested in you, none of these gestures are "necessary". If a woman is not sexually interested in you, you could do all of the sweet gestures in the world and it would make no difference. The advice I would give to my younger self is to hold back on these sorts of gestures until after the relationship becomes sexual.

 

preach. If a woman is not into you then none of this makes a difference. If she wants you then the basic courtesies listed here will get you some props, but if you are despised, as I was throughout my marriage, you can put someone through school, get a vasectomy, buy them their dream house, send flowers for no reason, and still wake up one day to an email saying she never loved you.

[Woggle]

I do things out of the goodness of my heart but I have no desire to try and win brownie points. If I do nice things it is with utter sincerity.

[alphamale]

preach. If a woman is not into you then none of this makes a difference. If she wants you then the basic courtesies listed here will get you some props, but if you are despised, as I was throughout my marriage, you can put someone through school, get a vasectomy, buy them their dream house, send flowers for no reason, and still wake up one day to an email saying she never loved you.

 

so true rightondude

[Woggle]

Truthfully these things should be a reward for a woman that treats you well and not a way to get a woman to treat you well.

[alphamale]

Truthfully these things should be a reward for a woman that treats you well and not a way to get a woman to treat you well.

 

indeed woggle, you hit the nail on the head

[Sarah_Smiles]

I always like when a guy would open my car door for me and wait til I was in and ask if I am okay and then close door, is just a sweet little gesture that means something. ( My dad did this for my mom and I always loved seeing it)

 

I like head kisses in public when isn't the place for full PDA but you get a little something-something to know you are loved anyhow.

 

One ex took it upon himself to call my work because I was sick and felt I shouldn't go in and while I was throwing up and getting ready he made the call and made me a tea and said he called and I am off for the day so relax and recoup.

[Lorenza]

Not too long ago, my girlfriend was venting (or so I thought) about a girl problem with her teenage son. She was actually looking for a solution, but I thought she was just venting. I provided emotional support when she really wanted me to address the issue with her son directly. A few months before that, she was venting to me about how her other son kept installing random applications on her phone. I suggested a solution to that problem and she got upset that I was trying to solve her problem instead of just listening. I can't win sometimes.

 

So here I am telling what I'd give brownie points for, and still some men are trying to explain things to me ;) Can't you just hear me out?

[Cersei]

Truthfully these things should be a reward for a woman that treats you well and not a way to get a woman to treat you well.

 

Wow! Is this really how some men think? No wonder these gestures can feel few and far between.

 

Men and women really are not on the same page.

[SophieG]

Truthfully these things should be a reward for a woman that treats you well and not a way to get a woman to treat you well.

 

It shouldn’t be a reward for anyone! When you like someone, you treat that person well because you WANT to, period! I like the way my bf does little things, but I do the same thing for him. We both want to make each other happy.

[losangelena]

So here I am telling what I'd give brownie points for, and still some men are trying to explain things to me ;) Can't you just hear me out?

 

Of course! How could you possibly know better without some smart man to explain your perspective to you?

 

Silly woman. ;-)

[Woggle]

Wow! Is this really how some men think? No wonder these gestures can feel few and far between.

 

Men and women really are not on the same page.

 

I see nothing wrong with how I think. I treat people the way they treat me nd it was worked out very well for me. Doing things for a woman to earn points never works if there is already not a base of love and attraction on her part. I have been happily married for 12 years in a marriage that many of our friends envy so how am I in the wrong?

[BettyDraper]

I'm hearing you, brother! I'm a victim of the same mistake. Trying to do too much. Despite being "assured" that women want a sweet guy who treats them right over "a jerk with money and/or looks" I'm struggling to not call it BS. There's a very fine line between being sweet and those actions coming off as desperation. As soon as women get a whiff of desperation, they're seemingly turned off.

 

Instead of "upping my game" I'm simply changing my game. I'm going to work on defining who I want to be first and foremost. The right people will then be attracted and I'll continue being who I am. Of course it's in my nature to do the right thing, but a better balance needs to be struck between being supportive and a good provider (if she doesn't earn a lot of money herself) and being your own man who SHE cannot afford to lose.

 

It's true that women do not respect desperate men who constantly kiss our asses. All women want to be treated well but only by a man who knows his worth.

Women need a combination of sweetheart and rake.

 

For example, my husband treats me like royalty. He will do anything for me but he will NOT tolerate any kind of disrespect. I can be a bossy brat but my husband checks me immediately when he notices any imperious behavior. My husband has clear expectations for our marriage. He expects me to adhere to them because he is meeting his end of the bargain. My husband is a generous provider, my faithful partner, my anchor during my emotional storms, and my best friend who lives to protect me. To keep the spice in our marriage, my husband titillates me by whispering dirty things in my ear or grabbing my hand and leading me into one of our bedrooms.

 

TB, I'm very glad that you have come to realize that you need to work on yourself rather than focusing on pleasing ungrateful women.

Edited December 16, 2018 by BettyDraper

[Cersei]

I see nothing wrong with how I think. I treat people the way they treat me nd it was worked out very well for me. Doing things for a woman to earn points never works if there is already not a base of love and attraction on her part. I have been happily married for 12 years in a marriage that many of our friends envy so how am I in the wrong?

 

"these things should be a reward for a woman that treats you well"

Well it sounds like you are training a dog not dealing with a grown woman. It's just my 2 cents though.

 

This thread has not taken the route I thought it would. Lol

I was hoping to hear more cutesy stories.

[Highndry]

... my anchor during my emotional storms...

 

 

 

***SHIVERS***

 

 

No more "emotional storms" for me. I'm sailing in clear blue sunny skies with warm breezes from now on.

[Woggle]

"these things should be a reward for a woman that treats you well"

Well it sounds like you are training a dog not dealing with a grown woman. It's just my 2 cents though.

 

This thread has not taken the route I thought it would. Lol

I was hoping to hear more cutesy stories.

 

If it makes you feel the better the way she treats me is also a reward for me treating her well. We reward people who treat us well and don't reward abuse and mistreatment. I am not going to come home with flowers and a card if she spent the night before screaming at me for no good reason and vice versa.

[Lotsgoingon]

I think these generous "little" acts of generosity and thoughtfulness help sustain a good relationship.

 

But thoughtful actions in themselves don't ignite interest in the absence of other feelings of attraction.

 

I've never ignited a woman's fire (or had my fire ignited) by thoughtful deeds and attentiveness. And once I fell into the doghouse with a woman, doing these little deeds did not get me out of the doghouse. One sign that a relationship is in serious trouble is when one or both partners feel so disenchanted that they can't really credit their partner for being generous.

 

The upset partner sees the good act. It intellectually registers on them, but their hearts feel nothing. We've all seen relationships caught in this dynamic.

 

These little actions only carry power if they are done simply to take care of the other person, done for the pleasure of knowing someone you love will derive happiness from it.

 

You don't do these things to win anyone over.

[Woggle]

These acts help boost up a good relationship but they can never repair a bad one.

[Trail Blazer]

It's true that women do not respect desperate men who constantly kiss our asses. All women want to be treated well but only by a man who knows his worth.

Women need a combination of sweetheart and rake.

 

For example, my husband treats me like royalty. He will do anything for me but he will NOT tolerate any kind of disrespect. I can be a bossy brat but my husband checks me immediately when he notices any imperious behavior. My husband has clear expectations for our marriage. He expects me to adhere to them because he is meeting his end of the bargain. My husband is a generous provider, my faithful partner, my anchor during my emotional storms, and my best friend who lives to protect me. To keep the spice in our marriage, my husband titillates me by whispering dirty things in my ear or grabbing my hand and leading me into one of our bedrooms.

 

TB, I'm very glad that you have come to realize that you need to work on yourself rather than focusing on pleasing ungrateful women.

 

I've known this for some time, but I haven't always adhered to it. It was my intention to do just that after my separation. Then, the rest wad history. I got with my current gf, I got caught up in this whirlwind romance of a stunning woman giving me all the sex I could have dreamed of, then the rug was pulled from under me while I was desperately trying to do more to reignite what was lost.

 

I'm already focusing on me. We haven't broken up yet as you know, but my time is now getting focused on myself. Who knows, perhaps she'll fall back in love with the new me, who conversely was a bit more like the me she first met. Either way, whatever happens, I'm not falling into that trap again.

 

I'm envious of the people like yourself who seemingly have all areas of your life in check.