SeparatedGal Posted December 16, 2018 Share Posted December 16, 2018 (edited) I don’t even know where to begin but I have two kids one is 2 and one is 4 with autism. My husband and I have been married for four years within the four years we’ve had a lot of issues this is his second marriage and this is my first. When we first got involved I knew that he had a love for animals he had in total seven reptiles. I thought it was a lot but I didn’t charge him for it and I moved forward with the relationship through our relationship and marriage he had a very volatile ex-wife she was always threatening him making demands across a lot of problems in our relationship this is not our biggest problem. I got pregnant with my son and 20 months and almost lost him and had to have emergency surgery to keep him I was on bed rest and very depressed after my son was born my husband brought home another five reptiles. So now there were a total of 12 I spoke to my son‘s pediatrician and he told me that it wasn’t a good idea to have that many of them and to keep them away from the baby him and I had a big fight about it and he finally put them in the basement over the years he has accumulated more and more we had a second child which was an accident and he had decided That he wanted to breed them. I begged him not to I asked him to please wait until the children got older before you did this and when we had more time and money and I promised him when the kids were older that I would help him if this was something he really wanted to do he stomps his feet on the ground and told me that he refused to compromise And didn’t wanna wait any longer. Over the years I kept trying to make him see that he has three children and a full-time job and a wife and it wasn’t the right time to do this he did not listen all of them were in a detached basement and I didn’t really go down there but later learned he had a total of 50 reptiles. He was buying them. Taking in other people’s animals and some of them were sick. A bunch of them died and few he would put in the freezer skin them and save the skin. We argued a lot about it and it made him very unhappy that I wasn’t OK with all of us we then moved because he wanted a bigger house to breed his animals. I could no longer take it anymore last week I asked him to remove them I said I was OK with him having a few but there was a total of 30 of them down there and I just didn’t want it and I’m concerned about the kids being so young and being exposed to them. He ended our marriage and left the house with his animals my lawyer does not think my kids are safe with him she doesn’t think that I should It’s going to be a long court battle and I don’t know if I can do this I didn’t want to divorce to begin with I still wish that he would come home and just relax with the animals for now but I don’t think he’s going to what do you guys think of the situation I really don’t know what to do Edited December 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and edit title Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 He ended our marriage and left the house with his animals my lawyer does not think my kids are safe with him she doesn’t think that I should It’s going to be a long court battle and I don’t know if I can do this I didn’t want to divorce to begin with I still wish that he would come home and just relax with the animals for now but I don’t think he’s going to what do you guys think of the situation I really don’t know what to do I don't know much about reptiles, but lots of men and women with families collect, train and/or breed everything from dogs and cats to birds and horses. Is your issue specifically with the fact they're reptiles? Is he breeding poisonous snakes? When you marry a man with 7 reptiles, hard to say you didn't know where his interests lie... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Thing is he's acting like a child about this. Yes you knew he had reptiles when you married him, but from that point forward whether you get more animals is a joint family decision that he doesn't get to just make on his own. He knew you were opposed and was disrespectful about considering your position. Having a few pet says one thing and breeding them is another. I don't know what to tell you. I would choose my dog over a new man certainly, and I wouldn't get rid of a dog because I married a man who decided he didn't like it, but I would take his position into consideration going forward about getting other animals. His priorities are all out of whack. The sad fact is the children are going to always be exposed to the reptiles even if you divorce. So you'll have to take that into consideration. It's possible a court may consider it a safety hazard or not. I wonder if this is something you could shutdown legally. Is it even legal for him to have all these reptiles? If not that is a card I would consider playing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeparatedGal Posted December 17, 2018 Author Share Posted December 17, 2018 No they aren’t poisonous. Yea I definitely knew he loves reptiles before I married him but I just wanted him to stop bringing in more. Just keep what he had for now. The number was up to 50 at one point. It took up a lot of time and money. It was getting to a point where he’d go to work come home and spend hours with them and I wouldn’t see him until it was time for bed. Breeding and keeping them requires care and money and time. He’s now 20,000 worth of debt. It just wasn’t the right time and yes having reptiles in that large of numbers is not good for small children. I get the whole I knew what I was getting into thing but it was just too much. I go back and forth with this all day but I felt very uneasy with having so many in my home. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Like any person who is obsessed with an interest, hobby or a sport they are hell to live with. You basically gave him an ultimatum, he chose the reptiles and moved out. He has a dream to breed them and you and the kids are getting in the way... You cannot fight that, you are incompatible as a couple. He knows that hence why he left. You need a family man, he needs a partner who shares his passion for reptiles. Divorce and move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeparatedGal Posted December 17, 2018 Author Share Posted December 17, 2018 And yea I definitely get the whole not getting rid of an animal for a new person and I never asked him to get rid of the ones he had but he did continue to bring in more and more behind my back and he also decided to breed when I asked him to please do it in a few years. I donÂ’t know but the number kept rising and he was sneaking them in not telling me about it. They were definitely not joint decisions and every time I would try to talk about it heÂ’d threaten to leave, heÂ’d say itÂ’s his house and he could do whatever he wanted. IÂ’m sick about this whole thing. I didnÂ’t want to do this nor did I want to be put in a position like this. Yea my children will be exposed to them when he takes them for visitation but my lawyer feels itÂ’s a health hazard and thinks I should fight for supervised visitation. I just donÂ’t know if I can go through with a fight like that. A lot of people say heÂ’s hoarding I always felt uncomfortable and didnÂ’t understand why he couldnÂ’t stop. HeÂ’d always tell me he was happiest when he was with his animals. I donÂ’t understand that when you have 3 kids and a wife. This is not easy for me I feel sick every single day and this was the hardest decision I had to make but yes he loves these animals and yes I knew that from the beginning but the fact that he couldnÂ’t stop and he kept taking them in and the number of rows to 50 and I begged him to please stop and just keep a few for now and then I have professionals telling me that my husband has a problem I just donÂ’t know Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I just donÂ’t know What don't you know, exactly? He's shown that he cares more about reptiles than his wife and family. He probably has some issues but rather than work on them he has let it get so bad that he'd rather move out and separate than work on the marriage. There is nothing to not know here. You have all the information you need to make a wise choice about your future. The only thing you can do now is speak to your lawyer about dissolving the marriage, making sure that 20k debt remains HIS debt, and protecting your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 He has a hoarding problem with the reptiles. There is ZERO way he is properly caring for those things having them hidden in a basement and sneaking them in, etc. Can you call your local animal control? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 He has a hoarding problem with the reptiles. There is ZERO way he is properly caring for those things having them hidden in a basement and sneaking them in, etc. Can you call your local animal control? He has left the marital home and taken his animals with him was my interpretation. I don't think the OP need concern herself further. She just needs to make sure the divorce runs smoothly. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I'd still contact and have it documented. They share children and who knows what his new living situation with dozens of reptiles is like.. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 He has a hoarding problem with the reptiles. There is ZERO way he is properly caring for those things having them hidden in a basement and sneaking them in, etc. Can you call your local animal control? That's my thought to. People who hoard animals don't really love their pets, they have mental health issues. This guy has chosen his reptiles over his wife and his own children. He would rather spend time with his pets than with his kids and he has got deep into debt, further risking the well being of his family. He doesn't connect with people and doesn't know how to foster loving human connections. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Like any person who is obsessed with an interest, hobby or a sport they are hell to live with. You basically gave him an ultimatum, he chose the reptiles and moved out. He has a dream to breed them and you and the kids are getting in the way... You cannot fight that, you are incompatible as a couple. He knows that hence why he left. You need a family man, he needs a partner who shares his passion for reptiles. Divorce and move on. Hard to disagree with this. There's the old line that "women marry men hoping they'll change, men marry hoping they won't". Not even family life has been enough to alter his priorities so I'm afraid you have your answer... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 That's my thought to. People who hoard animals don't really love their pets, they have mental health issues. These aren't cats or dogs, you can easily keep half a dozen small lizards or snakes in an aquarium sized cage. Seems a little over the top to assume he's hoarding or abusing, though he is choosing them over the needs of his family... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeparatedGal Posted December 17, 2018 Author Share Posted December 17, 2018 What you are saying is true it is definitely not like cats and dogs he does have about 6 of them that are actually bigger than a cat. They take up a lot of space and all require heat lamps which runs up our electric bill. If these were small lizards he kept in one tank I wouldn’t be on the forum and I wouldn’t have given him the ultimatum I did. But we’re talking iguanas bigger than a cat and bigger than a small dog. A turtle so huge it needed an enclosure the size of a quarter of the room. It really all depends on the type of animals but he had 4 different types or species just randomly having sex and breeding. To me I felt this was better done somewhere else or with a partner. His last clutch of baby snakes he killed by accident because he was in a rush to get to work. Everyone has their own opinion and the whole thing about change makes sense. Unfortunately in this case it was me that changed. I had children and I just felt having so many animals just randomly breeding in my basement right now wasn’t a good idea. For many reasons money time and the kids safety. I begged him to wait even told him I’d help him when the kids got older and we had more time and money. I never took it off the table but he said no he wouldn’t compromise then just kept getting more and more and more. I don’t know if I would say hoarder but he has told me he’s happiest when he’s with them and the best times of his life we’re when he was doing something with them. He did confess once that they were the most important things to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 he has told me he’s happiest when he’s with them and the best times of his life we’re when he was doing something with them. He did confess once that they were the most important things to him. Boy, those are some pretty clear cut answers, makes me wonder why you ended your first post with this: what do you guys think of the situation I really don’t know what to do As you're finding out, it takes two cooperating individuals to have a marriage. I'm afraid you'll have to plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 My lawyer does not think my kids are safe with him. I didn’t want to divorce to begin with I still wish that he would come home and just relax with the animals. I’m trying to reconcile these two statements in my mind... Would I stay with a man who chose reptiles over his children... who put the reptiles in the freezer when they died and skinned them... Um, no. Never. Ever. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SeparatedGal Posted December 18, 2018 Author Share Posted December 18, 2018 Boy, those are some pretty clear cut answers, makes me wonder why you ended your first post with this: As you're finding out, it takes two cooperating individuals to have a marriage. I'm afraid you'll have to plan accordingly... Mr. Lucky You’re 100 percent right I know this is my head but it’s not easy when you love someone like this and all you wanted was for your marriage to work. Our bank account was over drawn this morning going through the records he spent nearly $300 on them in the last 2 weeks. I guess because I’ve been focusing on my children this whole time I can’t understand someone that can be so obsessed that he’s willing to go through court fees, alimony, child support and day care costs. And this being his second marriage he’s now going to paying 2 women child support Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 Our bank account was over drawn this morning going through the records he spent nearly $300 You need to tell him that he can no longer use your joint funds to pay for his animals. He must use his own money from now on. Tell him to put the joint account back into the black ASAP and that means NOW not next week or next month. Talk to your lawyer and get this joint account frozen so he can't put you any further in debt. You need to protect your finances for the sake of the kids. What happens if you have an emergency and can't protect your kids because HE overdrew the account on his animals? You need to make sure he can't do this again. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 18, 2018 Share Posted December 18, 2018 (edited) You’re 100 percent right I know this is my head but it’s not easy when you love someone like this and all you wanted was for your marriage to work. Our bank account was over drawn this morning going through the records he spent nearly $300 on them in the last 2 weeks. I guess because I’ve been focusing on my children this whole time I can’t understand someone that can be so obsessed that he’s willing to go through court fees, alimony, child support and day care costs. He may have spent the money, but you are also responsible because you have allowed him to make very poor decisions with few consequences. PegNosePete offers good advice - you need to make sure that he can not do this again. You are simply not able to ignore this anymore... Of course, you wanted your marriage to work but you are clinging to a sinking ship right now... Continuing to say "but I really wanted this trip" when the boat is taking on water is not a wise thing to do. You have children you are now responsible to care for - if he is unwilling to be responsible, then you must. Edited December 18, 2018 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
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