My boyfriend is too posessive

[dancingintherain12]

He wanted me to block every guy I slept with off social media. Every single social media outlet and phone number. He says loyalty is big to him. The guys I slept with ; some of them are flings. He even pushed me to tell my ex who I stopped being friends with some time ago that I was dating him, so any doors wouldn’t open up again. I am so loyal but he doesn’t seem to trust me unless I do the things he wants me to in terms of that. I am friends with some of the guys and don’t want any negative drama if I see them at social events (which I do) I didn’t want to block them and cause any negative weird energy in case we see each other. He should be able to trust me... I did end up blocking all of them.

 

Then tonight, a guy I ended it with a month ago, came back in the picture to apologize. He said I’m an amazing girl and he’d love another chance with me and that he was just scared. This was on Snapchat, I forgot to block him on there, but I told my boyfriend and he was next to me. I told him I wanna hear what he has to say because I want closure too. Then I said I was seeing someone and I am happy and I understand and appreciate him for telling me all this, but I must block him out of respect to my boyfriend..

I didn’t want to block him because I see him out and about and I don’t want drama.

 

My boyfriend got mad at me that I wasn’t more head on about it. He said I was too understanding and that I should have been more aggressive with him.

 

Idk what to do. I feel so untrusted for no reason. We all have a past and I feel like he’s being unfair.

[basil67]

On top of this thread https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/670905-too-controlling-after-3-dates

 

I think you should get the heck away from him. Suggest break up line "you need a woman you can trust"

[preraph]

He just doesn't sound like a good match for you. I mean not too many people are going to put up with you still being in contact with exes, but if you're someone who likes to keep in touch with everyone you need to find somebody who is secure enough to not be bothered by it.

[dancingintherain12]

He just doesn't sound like a good match for you. I mean not too many people are going to put up with you still being in contact with exes, but if you're someone who likes to keep in touch with everyone you need to find somebody who is secure enough to not be bothered by it.

 

I’m not in contact with any of them

[PegNosePete]

So you've been with him for like 1 month and he is already showing very controlling and worrying personality.

 

What you should do is tell him you don't think your personalities are a good match, you're going to work out, and never speak to him again.

[hippychick3]

I can’t believe you’re still with this guy after the way he acted from your previous thread...and now this?

 

It’s only going to get worse. This guy is absolutely not a good guy. You’re in for a lifetime of misery and isolation if you stay with him. You’ll be walking on eggshells all the time.

[elaine567]

This is the guy who does not want to multi-date and wanted exclusivity early doors so it is hardly a surprise he wants to weed out all your orbiters.

Many guys/girls do not want their gfs/bfs hanging out/seeing/ communicating with guys/girls they have slept with.

It is fairly common and it is the reason why many do not stay friends with exes, ONSs and flings because it messes up new relationships,which is exactly what you are finding.

[Wallysbears]

If you're on a website asking for advice about a person you've only been dating a month because there are already red flags?

 

Dump him and move on is the only real option.

[d0nnivain]

Your BF is not overly possessive. He has boundaries. Yours are fuzzy. You say you are not in contact with them but that is not true if they are still your "friends" on social media.

 

Like your BF I don't understand why people need to stay so connected to EXs. I would not want a guy who was still friends with prior lovers on social media. I can understand your BF's point about divesting yourself from them. Social media gives too intimate a picture of somebody's life. EXs do not need that kind of insight. By not cutting EXs off social media I wonder if there was ever a definitive break.

 

Randomly bumping into an EX & being polite is just fine but pointedly staying in touch is a bridge too far for many. Unless you share children, there is not need to be in contact. Even then, I would not have the EX on social media.

 

The fact that your BF had to ask you to disconnect from old lovers & you are taking umbrage at this tells me you are not compatible.

 

The fact that you are entertaining a request for reconciliation from a guy you were only with one month ago rather then shutting it down hard by saying I've moved on & am with somebody else, especially while your new BF was sitting next to you, is highly disrespectful of your guy. Of course he feels threatened. You are mistaken that your closure will come from this EX talking to you. Nothing that guy can say will repair the break up unless you were to get back together. Since you have a new guy, how is reconciliation an option? For you to talk to the EX & rehash your relationship is telling your current BF that he's your 2nd choice. If the roles were reversed would you be happy that your guy was meeting such a recent EX?

[ExpatInItaly]

He wanted me to block every guy I slept with off social media. Every single social media outlet and phone number. He says loyalty is big to him. The guys I slept with ; some of them are flings. He even pushed me to tell my ex who I stopped being friends with some time ago that I was dating him, so any doors wouldn’t open up again. I am so loyal but he doesn’t seem to trust me unless I do the things he wants me to in terms of that. I am friends with some of the guys and don’t want any negative drama if I see them at social events (which I do) I didn’t want to block them and cause any negative weird energy in case we see each other. He should be able to trust me... I did end up blocking all of them.

 

Then tonight, a guy I ended it with a month ago, came back in the picture to apologize. He said I’m an amazing girl and he’d love another chance with me and that he was just scared. This was on Snapchat, I forgot to block him on there, but I told my boyfriend and he was next to me. I told him I wanna hear what he has to say because I want closure too. Then I said I was seeing someone and I am happy and I understand and appreciate him for telling me all this, but I must block him out of respect to my boyfriend..

I didn’t want to block him because I see him out and about and I don’t want drama.

 

My boyfriend got mad at me that I wasn’t more head on about it. He said I was too understanding and that I should have been more aggressive with him.

 

Idk what to do. I feel so untrusted for no reason. We all have a past and I feel like he’s being unfair.

 

Girl. Why do you need closure from an ex, and why on earth would you tell your boyfriend that? I can see why he was upset about that incident. You were in the wrong there.

 

Is your boyfriend too possessive? Perhaps. But you need to a look at your actions here, too. Not many guys are going to be happy with he behaviour you participate in either.

[olivetree]

You sound incompatible.

You feel controlled because you don't want to freely do the things he wants you to do and he becomes demanding of you, and he is demanding of you instead of just accepting you or walking away.

 

Yeah, he's a bit extreme, especially so early on.

He's probably been cheated on and got some baggage from that.

I'd probably run away from that particularly because you've been together so briefly.

This isn't even your first thread about feeling controlled...

 

However, I don't see a need to stay "friends" with exes and guys you slept with on social media.

You can be polite if you run into these when you're out, but most people prefer dating someone who has clean breaks from others, including unfollowing on social media.

 

Unless you live in a small town or frequent the same spots over and over, how often are you really running into these guys?

I don't see how it's worth it at all.

And if it's for an ego boost, you really need to let that go.

[smackie9]

I think your BF has a point. It's not all guys, but guys you have slept with....is there really a need to keep them on your social media? If they mean nothing to you, then why not delete them? They serve no purpose to you now. It would be no different if your BF had a drawer full of panties from all the girls he slept with. That wouldn't sit right with you now would it? I guess this is the mom talk...time to grow out of it.

[ericw899]

The thread should be renamed “my boyfriend feels threatened because I have no boundaries & my actions are untrustworthy”

[preraph]

I’m not in contact with any of them

 

You said they were on social media. That's "in contact" enough to put off most people.

[snowboy91]

This guy just sounds way too controlling. There's a pretty good chance that even if you blocked all your exes/flings on social media, it won't stop there. He's probably going to get jealous about every interaction with every guy you meet - coworkers, friends of friends, etc. Do you really want to live with that?

 

You say you feel untrusted - the lack of trust says a lot more about him than it does about you. No-one can ever 100% prevent a situation where their partner could cheat, so that is why it's necessary for him to trust that his partner (you) will do the right thing.

[ericw899]

This guy just sounds way too controlling. There's a pretty good chance that even if you blocked all your exes/flings on social media, it won't stop there. He's probably going to get jealous about every interaction with every guy you meet - coworkers, friends of friends, etc. Do you really want to live with that?

 

You say you feel untrusted - the lack of trust says a lot more about him than it does about you. No-one can ever 100% prevent a situation where their partner could cheat, so that is why it's necessary for him to trust that his partner (you) will do the right thing.

 

How is he supposed to trust her to do the right thing when she already isn't? Talking to an old fling while sitting next to your bf? Disrespectful & lack of boundaries. Saying you want to hear him out & get "closure". NO That's called keeping your options open. He may not be going about it in the best way, but she is instigating this by her blatant lack of respect and boundaries.

[elaine567]

Eric is correct, no self respecting man is going to sit back and just take it when his "date" is sitting next to him seeking "closure" from some guy she slept with.

 

OP

 

All in or all out, choose one and stop playing stupid games with people who are trying to date with serious intent.

Don't like the guy, or want to keep playing the field then break up and you can then text and sleep with as many guys as you want to...

[BaileyB]

Idk what to do.

 

I would dump this Neanderthal. Nobody tells me who I can or can not talk with...

 

That said, you should not be talking with old flings in any way other than to aknowledge their presence when you pass on the street. If you want to be trusted, you must be trustworthy.

[dancingintherain12]

You guys are right. I talked about this with a therapist and also spoke to him about the way he says things comes off aggressive, when I need him to be more delicate with me. We are working on our communicate styles and compromising. I see where I was wrong but he also sees where he was wrong in terms of his delivery. Thank you all.

[LoverOfDance]

I'm surprised at other ppl's replies. From what you've written, this guy seems pretty weird and i'm concerned for you.

 

I hope you make the right choice in this. Please stay safe.

[toomanyquestions123]

Run Run for your life ! The last one i dated for 2 months was the same. He wanted to know everything about my past, he wanted me to stop talking to anyone and he didnt trust me at all, set boundaries and rules and said the same "Loyalty is so rare and important to him". Hired a man to spy on me after work, and cheated on me the first time i travel abroad.

 

People who have trust issues are themselves not trustworthy and think everyone will be as bad as they are. My advice would be to break up with him. It's only a one month relationship no biggie.

[olivetree]

We are working on our communicate styles and compromising.

 

This is a lot for a month long relationship.

 

Do you often find yourself in unhealthy relationships?

If so, this would be why.

[Blanco]

I'm surprised at other ppl's replies. From what you've written, this guy seems pretty weird and i'm concerned for you.

 

I hope you make the right choice in this. Please stay safe.

 

I think it's possible that OP's boyfriend is controlling, but that the OP also lacks boundaries with exes and men she has previously slept with.

[olivetree]

I think it's possible that OP's boyfriend is controlling, but that the OP also lacks boundaries with exes and men she has previously slept with.

 

They both have their "issues" to deal with.

The fact that they are conflicting/opposing issues is going to make for a volatile relationship.

[Kitty Tantrum]

He wants a different sort of relationship than you do. He wants something committed and serious, and you want to have fun and keep your options open. Do yourself (and him) a favor and break up with him.

 

I don't think there's anything unreasonable about his request at all. I think OP describing it in terms of how she FEELS about it makes it sound a lot more concerning than it is when you strip away the emotional interpretation and examine the data presented.

 

Multi-dating (also known in many circles as being loose or promiscuous) has gained a lot of acceptance in modern times. Doesn't mean everyone has to tolerate it. I suspect he'll be the one breaking things off pretty soon if you don't do it first. It's not just about SLEEPING with other people, he obviously wants a different relationship dynamic than what you find acceptable, and I think the respectful thing would be to own that and not waste his time thinking you're going to get him to change his boundaries or terms of engagement for you. That seems highly unlikely. You seem to think he's really great and awesome and everything you're looking for, whereas he seems to view you as fairly typical and replaceable.