I'm lost..............

[jonesgirly]

I need help, advice, anything from the wise people here.

 

I discovered my husbands EA at the end of this past July (I guess we're coming up on 7 weeks now). I still don't feel totally comfortable with his answers that "they were just friends", "we never talked about personal things", etc. I'm not stupid.

 

I feel sad beyond belief, betrayed, deceived and stepped-on. I go from angry, sad, hurt, and tearful in about three seconds flat. I don't feel that my questions have been answered in a freely-given or offered manner, nor do I think he understands what he has done to our relationship.

 

I realize men don't always react in the same way that a female would when they have obviously inflicted great emotional pain on the one they love. I know that in my case, if the tables were turned, he would've been LONG gone. There would've been NO tearful conversations, raging arguments, or any type of discussion whatsoever.

 

Well, last night (FOR THE SECOND TIME), he took off with a packed bag. I'm not sure if he's found a "trick that works" or what, but it seems to be very easy for him to just flee. I have been in the more "sad" stage lately, and even though I've told him that he should be dealing with this mess, he just doesn't know how. I was sitting outside with a glass of wine and he approached me (AT 8:00 PM).....this was after he took care of all his stuff - cleaning the pool, flipping a mattress, getting a new cellphone (apparently I tossed his current one a few too many times ), paying his bills, taking a shower, etc. I know I know........I'm overly-sensitive right now to this lack of attention. I can't help it - everything is so much "bigger" now - he doesn't really care, etc. "Under a microscope" is putting it lightly. So I say exactly that - "why am I at the bottom of your list? - why is everything so much more important than us?" Of course he reacts in his defensive manner about how I don't want this to work out, etc. I actually started crying (which is really not something I have done much until recently). He goes bullistic. He leaves because I said the following: "I just want to be with someone who makes me feel important, I just want someone who cares". He decides that I want to be with someone else.

 

He dashes into the house, packs a bag, jumps in his car and leaves. He had done the same thing a couple of weekends ago when he decided that I would never be able to "get over" this. He later admitted that he had taken his gun and was planning a trip to california where he would "end it all." I believed him.

 

So of course I go in the house to see what he took, and yep, once again he packed his gun. I procede to generally freak-out inside, and try to figure out what to do. Should I call the police? (I doubt the gun is registered). I start calling his cellphone and he won't answer. So I send a text message which he does answer. He states that leaving me is the hardest thing he's ever had to do, blah blah blah. I think he secretly knew I'd call or get a hold of him because I stopped him from leaving the last time.

 

I'm kinda sick of this. HE'S the one who betrayed my trust. HE'S the one that chose to have a "secret friend". Why in the he!! am I putting so much work and emotional energy into this mess?

 

I'm feeling that at this point he may just not care enough to do what it takes to fix this. No...I KNOW he doesn't care enough to put away his defensive, self-righteous, self-pitying, "I'm hurt too" crap, and focus on another human being.

 

I refuse to apologize for my emotions. This hurts like childbirth and it only happened 7 weeks ago. His lies, betrayals, etc., have caused me to question everything about our relationship, with good reason.

 

I'm thinking this little scenario will probably happen again, because it appears as though he realizes that I WILL try to fix it and talk him back. I think I will NOT do that next time. I've had enough of this rollercoaster and its not MY job to repair all the damage. I'm sure I'm holding on to some of the hurt BECAUSE of his post-getting-busted behavior!

 

I see in him a totally different person. He doesn't have the patience, time or caring to deal with the mess he created. I am beginning to feel that I will need to accept this a make a decision based on my own needs. I'm not sure what to prepare for though. I should probably check on his life insurance? The scoundrel even had the nads to text-message me that "I win - everything is yours - you get everything". I'm thinking .... oh goody, I get a great big mortgage and all your bills.

 

geez...when does the BS end? How can I communicate hurt in an effective way? Why does he continue the hurt? Why does he get so defensive? Lots of whys, I know. My life just sucks right now, but I'm trying to focus on getting myself together enough to have the strength to move on. Should he decide to pull his "fast get-away" again, I will NOT stop him, call him to make sure he's all right, or anything.

 

any thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

Wow, he has his head up his a$$! He can't think right now and he really hasn't got a clue wtf he's doing to you... Yet.

 

He's the one who has the fixing to do right now, not you. You don't have to prove yourself to him! He has to prove himself to you!

 

He is caught up in his fantasy life right now and isn't able to comprehend anything.

 

Ofcourse it is hurting you! Please, don't be hard on yourself, this is his doing, not yours. If he was unhappy in the marriage or feeling indifferent (maybe midlife crisis) he could have told you...Instead he's taken the easy and exciting way out, for now.

 

Sounds like he wants to bail. I think he's pulling your chain, seeing HOW much he can get away with. Well, call a lawyer and find out what your options are. Scare him alittle.

 

Until he's willing to sit down calmly and be honest with you about everything, and I mean a complete open book, there isn't much you can do right now, except let him go.

 

Keep busy and talk to your family and friends for support. You need some, so don't islolate yourself during this. Keep posting here, there are many people here who have been where you are and can help you alot.

[jonesgirly]

Logically, I know HE is the one that is SUPPOSED to fix things, or at least pull a few muscles trying to! I seriously believe that he thinks he didn't "do" anything wrong. He spits out once in a while that "I didn't f** her!". I guess in his mind, cellphone calls (away from home times only), an attraction to her on his part (physical - he admitted it), and his two-month HOT pursuit of her (2,3,4 cellphone calls daily) is okay.

 

I point out his betrayal - when he found himself attracted to this girl and ACTED on it..................

 

How in the heck could I ever trust this person again. He admits he didn't tell me how much he talked to her because he "knew I'd be mad." Well, of course I would! He states that the spoke only of "work stuff". Yeah, right. It is not my fault that he chose to pursue this relationship, hide this relationship from me, and then expect me to be "over it."

 

In my mind - he is the one that needs to figure out what to do. I'm tired of initiating talks because this giant issue is the ONLY thing I think about while I"m awake and walking. I can't help but try to reconstruct time - did he call her on my birthday, on his birthday, ANY time from home, why are there spans of time when the calls became very infrequent, etc.

 

It has taken me until now to realize that being open and honest with this man is not working. I am hurt to the very soul, and almost cannot bear the thought of him sooo obsessed with this girl that he chose to pursue her, knowing full well it was wrong. HE has to live with that guilt, although it really doesn't seem to be doing much injury to him.

 

I doubt that he will ever understand that he needs to be an open book to me. I don't know why, but I continue to get the "I don't remember", "I don't know", "it was nothing" responses to all of my questions. Sometimes he'll tell me that he just LIKED talking to her. I wish he had liked talking to ME. Especially now, after all this damage. He could've told me that they were friends - if thats ALL they were. He could'nt very well tell me he was attracted to her, and then continue the contact now could he?

 

I haven't told anyone on this planet all of this story, besides you guys. I am embarrassed, ashamed and too hurt to talk about it without seeming like a fool.

 

I have decided however, to take on a new approach. Frankly, I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm sure the obsessive checking his email, etc., will continue, but I am no longer going to look like a "sad sack" around the house. I am going to clean out closets and boxes in storage in preparation for a possible divorce. Of course, he has told me "everything is mine", but I would like to have our stuff boxed and organized (seperately of course) so that it is easy to dispose of (his=burn).

 

If he wants to bolt the next time the going gets rough...........SEE YA! HE created this catastrophe - nothing like making a mess and leaving it for someone else to clean up!

 

I shall not bring up a thing.........I shall not mope about the house......he will see that my life has gone on - with or without him.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, you're handling this as well as you can! That is great!!!

 

OK, so since he isn't really seeing things as they are and he's still not admitting what he did was wrong and how much it hurt you to the bone...You're right. Next time he packs a bag to leave, let him go and tell him NOT to come back.

 

One thing that might snap him out of it is CONSQUENCES...He hasn't had any ... Yet. He thinks he can do what he wants, when he wants and you'll be fine and dandy... Uhhmmm, I don't think so!

 

Talk to your lawyer and get the ball started. Let your H know you mean business. Maybe then, when he realizes what he's throwing away he'll be an open book and sort out this mess he started and ruined the marriage.

[jonesgirly]

Actually, I'm faking it pretty well

 

What I really want is for HIM to worry about "us" for a bit. I've done all the worrying, stressing, etc., up to this point. He gets to just be "fine and dandy" and go about his business, when I can barely function as a human. I've lost 15lbs, smoked about seven million cigarettes, and drank about sixteen gallons of Sutter Home White Zinfandel (mixed with cran-raspberry juice for that kool-aid taste that is sooo deadly).

 

I really have to squelch those sick-to-my-stomach feelings when I realize all that I've lost. My best friend, my trustworthy husband, etc. Although I guess I never really had it to begin with if he could do something like this to me. Oh well, live and get burned......ooops I mean live and learn, right?

 

We have no children together, although I have one daughter, and he has SEVEN kids (all pretty much grown except two). That is a point that really bothered me when he was planning on his "demise". He would actually leave me to deal with the wreckage...........how selfish and cruel. I try to sympathize with people who are depressed and/or suicidal, but it seems like such a cop-out to me. And to leave me with the explaining? And to leave me feeling like this? Geez..this guys awfully selfish don't you think?

 

I could basically print out the do-it-yourself divorce forms online, and fill them out. Oh yeah, I've already done that. I don't think it had the impact then (a few weeks ago) that it might now. I've already said to him that we'd sell the house and split the equity equally, take our own belongings, etc.

Maybe now that I have my new "attitude" it might strike a cord with him. Or not.

 

My current plan involves getting my own self back. I'm tired of the groveling emotional wreck I've been. Although the weight loss is a great booster, I shall be too thin in a very short time. I'm tired of worrying about whether or not I know the truth - I'm probably never going to get it (at least not this way). He'll deny any wrongdoing until the death, I just know it. He'll admit it was wrong, but only that he was "stupid, it was a mistake" and he "should'nt have done it." Okay...............then why?

 

I don't think he understands the open book concept. I am apparently not a very good communicator either, or maybe I just HAVEN'T been while dealing with the shock of it all. I think now that I am thinking a little more clear-headed (basically sick of feeling sick), I can get my groove back.

 

Or I will forever feel betrayed by the one person on the planet I trusted to care about me as much as I cared about him, and whom I expected the loyalty in return that I so willingly and fullly gave to him (even when he wasn't looking).

[RainyDayWoman]

um, he has a gun and is acting like an a**h*** with it.

 

get away from this dangerous person as quickly as possible and don't look back.

[jonesgirly]

That is and has been a serious consideration of mine.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure I believe that he would even go through with his plan for an early demise. He doesn't have any bullets, but he said that he planned on getting them somewhere on his way to california. I've thought about making the two guns that I know of disappearing, but he also has a 9mm somewhere.

 

It truly sucks when the man you love, trust and are loyal to.........turns out to be an a55hole with a gun, threatening suicide as his only solution to wrecking me and our marriage. What a pathetic excuse for a "man."

[veronese]

Why exactly is he threatening suicide?

 

Is it because he can't bear the thought of losing you?

 

Or is it because he doesn't much like married life anymore - he preferred life before with a loyal, loving wife and an attractive, attentive female friend on the side.

 

Or hasn't he said?

[jonesgirly]

According to him, its because he cannot bear this loss and what he has done to me. He also says that he doesn't think I'll ever get over it, which is pretty much true if he does nothing but threaten suicide.

[jonesgirly]

P.S. I'm attractive too!

[veronese]

He really does like to be the centre of attention!

 

I notice he keeps mentioning you not ever getting over this? My H kept doing that too. It's like 'enough already, can we drop the damned subject??!!'

 

He's letting you know that he'll be a lot happier when you let it go and forget about this silly little indiscretion, and he's threatening suicide to make his point.

 

Yes, well maybe you won't ever get over it. Maybe you won't forgive and forget. He'll have to wait and see just like you will. But if he wants you to get over it he would be wise to change his tact!

 

At least you've got self-confidence about your appearance, that's good. My H is way better looking than me, and don't we all know it!

 

Try to get some fresh air, take a walk or two, and shower whenever you get really low, running water is therapeutic

 

x

[jhurtinct]

have you spoke to him about possibly going to seek professional help? and have you thought about it for yourself to try and cope with whats going on and to try and help you to get over it?

 

tell him running from his problems isn't going to help you forgive and forget any faster or help the situation in anyway? will he have a conversation with you on the subject without blowing up about it and without leaving so you can make him understand you need to comunicate about it in order to move foward?

[jonesgirly]

And sometimes when we're in heating discussion, he'll say something like "do we have to talk about this EVERY night?" Holy god that pi55ses me off. In reality it hurts my feelings even more, as if his discomfort with talking about his pi55 poor behavior is much more significant than my wounded heart.

 

It really sucks that he won't even TRY. Maybe I won't forgive, maybe I won't forget like you said. But, he doesn't even make the ATTEMPT to "fix" the situation. All I've wanted is to feel important to him, feel like I was worth setting his immature little defensive tactics aside and really kissing some booty.

 

Oh well, guess its not in him. I can only try to keep myself together and wish, as I told him last night, that I had a husband that thought to himself: "I love her sooo much, I will do whatever it takes to repair this."

 

Self-confidence is only a recent arrival. Especially about appearance. This girl is only 24 YEARS OLD! It does take quite a bit of something to realize that its not about looks, its about loyalty. He could have his little "friend", but when he hid the relationship from me, pursued her, and then lied, well............that became about HIS character, not mine.

 

I just keep telling myself to believe what I say...........

 

 

(thanks for all comments so far, welcome more input, anytime)

[Merin]

When you've been betrayed you don't just get over it... as much as your husband would like for you to do that, it isn't possible.

 

This stings a lot and it's hurtful... of course you feel sad, and unsure... of course you're feeling insecure and mistrustful... what I want to know is what in the hell is HE doing to make that better for you?!

 

Rebuilding trust isn't impossible but it doesn't come easy either... the key is BOTH people wanting to do that with all they've got... this means your husband being there when he says he will be, calling you when he says he will... being where he says he's going to be... allowing you access without you having to sneak a peak at his email or cell phone... IF he has nothing to hide and wants to assure you of this, he shouldn't have any problem doing htis for you and for him really.

 

Counseling is that an option? Go together... and go apart as well....

 

IMO IF your husband is serious about wanting to make this work and wanting you to get past it, then he WILL do what it takes to make that happen.

 

Hang in there girl

[Mz. Pixie]

IMO- he's trying to manipulate you with leaving and hinting suicide. It's all to take the focus off his actions and what he did wrong. Is he a narcassist? He sounds alot like my deceased mother....

[jonesgirly]

I too think he is being very manipulative. He's not stupid, he just likes to act like it when it serves HIS purpose well.

 

I've decided to check out the Life Insurance policies (just in case) - I know that sounds cold, but I'm to the point where I just cannot continue the hurt. This is the second day of the "new me" and it feels much much better. I don't know if I'm in denial (I hope not), but it certainly feels better to not have the inside-body shakes all the time. I'm tired of obsessing over details I will NEVER EVER get, and tired of being the only one showing concern for this mess.

 

I'm pretty sure he's noticed this new attitude. He sent me messages today that said he was sorry for the other night (the run-away man), and knows that I wished that HE was the person that made me feel special, important, etc. So when he gets home tonight, he's all nice and attentive (gag me now - its a little late). He keeps trying to sit next to me and talk. Now talking does not come easy to this guy. So he says something like "I'm sorry again for the other night. I shouldn't ever say that you should get over it. It will take a long time for you to get over it." So instead of reacting to that, I just got up and started playing with the cat and said something like "yeah, whatever, its okay." I am really starting to think that not caring is a form of self-survival in these types of situations.

 

 

What I would've said a few days ago was: What in the he!! to you mean it will take a LONG TIME for me to get over this? What about you? What in the he!! are you doing to rebuild this relationship - giving me the TIME to get over it? I thing it takes a little bit of effort on your part - namely, coughing up some details, admitting your wrong doings, and COMING CLEAN with me and giving me the freaking TOOLS to get over this instead of just the TIME.

 

And then I probably would've had my feelings hurt AGAIN because he would say that there is "nothing else to tell you" or "it was nothing - we just talked!"

 

Some days.............I would love to just walk out.

 

Its unnerving for him too....he just asked me "how long are you going to keep up this act?" and I asked - what act? I'm fine, and then left the room to get some more wine.

 

I really DO feel better - thats the weird thing. Maybe its a pride thing or something. I'm so tired of being stepped-on that it feels good to hold my head up high as if I am far above this mess that he so easily created.

 

He hasn't done a damm thing to rebuild my trust. He hasn't done a damm thing to atone for his betrayal. That what made staying where I was so difficult. I was hurt, sad, angry, etc., but he didn't seem to care. The only way for him to show that he cared would've been a sincere effort in the remorseful department.

 

I guess I shall wait him out..........I'm not as unattractive as he has made me feel these last couple of months. I'm not as unlovable as he has made me feel. I AM more important than he has made me feel. And most importantly, I AM worthy of someone who can appreciate all of that and would'nt so easily dismiss me.

 

thanks again...........please comment.........I do not share all of this with ANYONE in my civilian life

[RainyDayWoman]

well, i don't really know what else to say, but i will say that i have thought about this all day. seriously. i really did.

 

i had an ex-boyfriend who used to pull the same shyt, only not with a gun, because he didn't have one. he would say he was going to take pills, or slit his wrists, etc.

 

i was with him for 8 years, and the last two, i have to say, i hardly even knew who he was anymore. it was very sad. (and i'm only 25, just for the record).

 

he came to my apartment that i was living in with two other girls (i was in college an hour away from where he lived). we had gotten in a fight on the phone, and he kept threatening to come to my place to talk about it and i asked him not to, i had class the next day. i forget what we were fighting about. but before i knew it, he was pulling in the driveway.

 

he came in, i said i told you not to come, you didn't respect my wishes, i want you to go home, i don't want to see you like this. he took out a knife and cut his wrists in front of me and my roommates. i am sure my landlords painted the walls by now, but we lived for months with blood on them. the girls and i ended up covering it with a poster we bought. what if my roommates hadn't been there? what if he got angry and used the knife on me?

 

he survived (in actuality, the cuts weren't that bad) the relationship ended very shortly after. he begged and cried for forgiveness, and i just didn't have it in me anymore. i had no feeling left whatsoever.

 

i guess what i am saying is, you don't need a dangerous, unstable person in your life. and they don't need you as an enabler...they need someone to say "i'm not taking your shyt anymore. grow up and get the hell away from me."

 

if you dodecide to end the relationship (at any point in time) i suggest you do so in a safe way, and make sure you have someone with you at all times for quite a while afterward.

 

i don't trust angry people with access to weapons. i don't think you should, either.

[jonesgirly]

Holy god what a story - and you were so young too! Thank goodness your roommates were there. I'm always amazed when people do things to people the "care" about that traumatize them for life. How do they see that as love?

 

You're right - I really don't need this psycho crap. We're grown-ups (or supposed to be), responsible for our own selves, our own actions, etc. Just because one of us cannot accept that he HIMSELF damaged this relationship doesn't mean that I have to in turn "take care" of his emotional needs. What an easy way out. Diversion, diversion.

 

I'm very close to where you ended up in that relationship. Realzing that someone you have loved with all your heart is nothing but a cheating, betraying, suicide-threatening psycho is enough to open anyones eyes. I can no longer care that he has personal problems - I DO TOO! I no longer care if he leaves - BUH BYE! Thats HIS choice! Just because I am a caring person does not give him the right to use emotional blackmail to cover up his responsibility for trashing our marriage.

 

I have already contacted a lawyer who will draw up papers at minimal cost. I do not have a preconceived notion where we will end up, but I am prepared for it all. I do not wish to try and persuade him either way - he made the choice last year when he decided I was not the most important person in his life. I have accepted the "trash" status that he has given me as HIS choice, not mine. The greatest lesson in life is that you cannot control the actions of others, only those of yourself.

[RainyDayWoman]

I'm always amazed when people do things to people the "care" about that traumatize them for life. How do they see that as love?

 

 

 

I have already contacted a lawyer who will draw up papers at minimal cost. I do not have a preconceived notion where we will end up, but I am prepared for it all. I do not wish to try and persuade him either way - he made the choice last year when he decided I was not the most important person in his life. I have accepted the "trash" status that he has given me as HIS choice, not mine. The greatest lesson in life is that you cannot control the actions of others, only those of yourself.

 

it sounds like you're on your way to a smart decision. i wish you the best.

 

please keep us posted, even if it's only for your own sanity. i would like to know that you are okay.

[EndoftheRope]

I'm kinda sick of this. HE'S the one who betrayed my trust. HE'S the one that chose to have a "secret friend". Why in the he!! am I putting so much work and emotional energy into this mess?

 

I'm feeling that at this point he may just not care enough to do what it takes to fix this. No...I KNOW he doesn't care enough to put away his defensive, self-righteous, self-pitying, "I'm hurt too" crap, and focus on another human being.

 

I refuse to apologize for my emotions. This hurts like childbirth and it only happened 7 weeks ago. His lies, betrayals, etc., have caused me to question everything about our relationship, with good reason.

 

I'm thinking this little scenario will probably happen again, because it appears as though he realizes that I WILL try to fix it and talk him back. I think I will NOT do that next time. I've had enough of this rollercoaster and its not MY job to repair all the damage. I'm sure I'm holding on to some of the hurt BECAUSE of his post-getting-busted behavior!

 

I could have written every word of this. Same deal (although I've read some of your other posts, and to my knowledge my H has not had the extensive phone conversations.) Same looking at the smoking gun in his own hand and denying it! I have to wonder just how stupid he thinks I am. Telling her she's cute, trading 'favorite memories' of each other, etc.... it was all 'a joke.' Right. Isn't that exactly what flirting is... suggestive, romantic, sexual "jokes?"

 

I wish I had some words of advice, but if I did, I'd be doing better myself.

[PatientOne]

um, he has a gun and is acting like an a**h*** with it.

 

Exactly. IMO, this should be the focus of your attention right now. Call the cops NOW. It doesn't matter if it's unregistered, you have to get this weapon away from him. He's clearly unfit to carry a firearm, having threatened to commit suicide. If he's that unstable, who's to say you won't become a target eventually. Remove this threat ASAP.

 

Then, you have to decide if you would be better off with or without him, then act accordingly. You deserve so much better...

[jonesgirly]

I hear ya PatientOne ..... and those very thoughts have crossed my mind. I know that the guns are not loaded, nor does he have any bullets. He was not very "vocal" about his suicidal thoughts, it was a lengthy discussion that brought them out. Part of the reason that I'm feeling a little better is that I AM making plans for the possibility of an eventual split. It will not be a big blow-up (at least on my part), although I'm sure he'll play runaway-man again before I even need to concern myself with that.

 

If at any time I feel that I am in a threatening situation with him, I would not think twice about doing whatever it takes to get out of it. My senses are all pretty much on "high-alert" at this time, so I would hope that my own intelligence would tell me if I needed to get out.

 

Your concern is well justified, and greatly appreciated.

 

I have only recently decided that I do indeed deserve better, but thanks for the reinforcement!

[jonesgirly]

So my own well-being has been my focus for the past several days, which in itself requires an enormous amount of energy. Its difficult to constantly tell yourself that its NOT your fault that your husband is deceitful, that he lied to you when he could've told you the truth, and that he betrayed all of your trust in him.

 

The waves of emotion surrounding the personal enormity of the situation keep flowing, while you're trying to swim to shore against the current.

 

I refuse to allow HIS emotions to become the focus of ANY discussion. For the first time, I truly feel that I should be the only focus of his attention. No longer do I cut him slack because "he has anger issues" or "he gets defensive easily." Too Effin bad! He has such a small amount of "things" to get over, and I have a MOUNTAIN of garbage to clean up.

I still feel that there are things that don't quite add up. The only real concrete proof that anything ever went on in their EA is the cellphone bills. I review them over and over, looking for something that tells me something. I don't even know what.

 

I DID find something though when I went back to the begining of last year. He had been calling her desk at work from his cellphone, most probably prior to her getting a cellphone. I noticed calls throughout the day and most notibly - at 4:27PM several times (he leaves work at 4:30). At first he said he called "just to talk." And then he said "oh - so we would go outside for a smoke break" (he's a former smoker). And then I asked well then, why at the end of the day when you're getting ready to leave? I don't think he had an answer other than "to see when she was leaving." And then went on to insist "I NEVER SAW HER OUT OF WORK OR MET HER ANYWHERE!". I tend to believe this statement because he always comes home on time, and never goes out with the "boys" or anything like that. But still, why so many calls? And this started a year and a half ago! Thats a very long time in my mind. And why ONLY her? There's a lot of people at his work location. I would imagine the whole damn building knew they were "special friends." That is, EXCEPT me! I know I'm probably paranoid ( or maybe I'm not! ). I don't even know what to ask anymore. He will only say that he "liked talking to her", that it was never "physical" because he wouldn't let that happen (thats how people justify inappropriate behavior).

 

He was pissed when I brought that up last night (phone calls from his cellphone to her desk) while we were sitting in the office. I think that every time I bring something up about this EA, he just gets frustrated that I'm not "over it" yet. Truly I'm fine, and I think I'm just trying to get somewhere that lets me make a decision whether or not this relationship is worth saving. Everything HE does (and doesn't) do, leads me to think that he'll just never get it. Its like I'm looking for some proof of something that will sway me one way or another. I just can't trust anything he says at this time, and he doesn't think I should feel that way.

 

He currently has all three of our cellphone # accounts in his name. I mentioned last night that I would like to get mine and my daughters' account/number or whatever changed over to just mine. I'm not even sure why I want to do this - I guess it seems like if he's going to do something stupid again (runaway man), the first thing he'd do is cancel our phones and then you CAN'T get your old number back. I was hoping to somehow transfer our two numbers to my name only. He got really pissed off about that, and I'm not sure why (probably a control thing). I just let him go, and asked him later why he seemed mad.

 

Thats another thing that annoys me - he NEVER comes up to me and says anything like "you seem...(fill in the blank), whats wrong?". God, I'm so supersensitive right now to everything!

 

So of course, he won't talk to me about it and sulks in our bedroom the rest of the night. Today at work he emails me (of course), about how "hurt" he is about the cellphone issue. He of course admits that he gets defensive and shouldn't, apologizes AGAIN for that, etc. I told him that I am basically sick of repeated apologies for HIS crap, that he has to stop ONE thing - his defensivenes. I ON THE OTHER HAND, have to handle a krillion emotions and issues and still maintain my dignity. Geez guy........do you think you could manage to keep from getting your undies in a bundle at least ONE evening a week?

 

I think he just wants time to pass, feeling that I will just "get over it" with time. I think I will just continue to wonder, and with that wonder a wall will go up around me, to protect myself from him and his ability to hurt me again. After all, who knows what the truth really is? He can't remember any conversations, etc.!

[sylviaguardian]

You are right to still be suspicious and keep digging. I did the same. My H never admitted anything unless I had proof. Eventually, I pointed out all the contradictory stuff he had told me and he then told me the whole truth about his 'EA'.

 

My guess is that your H is so angry to find out that you are still checking because there is a lot he hasn't told you. My guess is that they met at lunchtimes/breaks or just after work.

 

His statement 'I haven't f****ed her' is very telling. Ok, he hasn't done THAT but there are main other stations on that particular line if you know what I mean.

 

He is not being honest with you and think his behaviour is just a amoke-screen to make you back down. Don't buy into it. When he yells, leave the room, if he leaves do not contact him, if he threatens suicide do not re-act. He is acting like a child in a tantrum. Don't be part of it. keep thinking rationally and don't allow him to mess with your head.

 

Syl

[jonesgirly]

I'm starting to believe that the only thing that will even get his attention would be to present the divorce papers. As much as I didn't want it to come to this, I cannot handle each passing hour where he continues to do absolutely NOTHING "for" ME.

 

And I mean NOTHING. He comes home from work, says something lame about the "weather", and I either get to: A) respond with enthusiasm for his speaking to me at all, or B) just nod my head and ignore him. Both of my responses get the same reaction from him. Just a look, and he walks out of the room.

 

He can't bring up the subject of our deteriorating marriage. I guess its just not important to him, and I will need to proceed legally.

 

There are a lot of moments that feel liberating when acknowledging the apparent imminent divorce. There are other moments where I feel deeply saddened at the loss of the relationship. However, I do realize that the man I THOUGHT I married did NOT exist. It is still the loss of a "dream", I guess, anyway.

 

Our latest conversation regarding the subject matter (EA), occurred last evening. It was not pretty. He even had the balls to say this: "A lot of other people have done WORSE things" in regards to HIS behavior. He really just not get it - he is in REAL danger of losing his wife, his "love of his life", the person he loves "more than anything"...........I guess that would be besides HIMSELF!

 

I cannot handle the frustration of his lack of empathy, his continued amnesia, and in general his lack of accepting responsibility for a very serious and (marriage) life-altering breach of trust. He will readily admit that had I done the same exact things, it would indeed NOT be okay!

 

He just doesn't think that what HE did is all that bad. And maybe they were "friends." Oh wait.............thats right - I'm not stupid. I don't think they had a physical relationship, but they might as well had. I told him last night that I can compete with "age", "attractiveness", etc., but I cannot compete with the HEART. He seemed to understand that, but still doesn't have anything to say about the whole thing.

 

I really wanted a seperation at one point, but have read on the board that this doesn't seem to be the best solution. I just wanted him to realize that I am serious.......that if he is GOING to do ANYTHING, he NEEDS TO NOW!

 

I guess I could just admit to myself that he really just doesn't care, but that seems brutal doesn't it?

 

I, myself, am doing fine. I waver back and forth between the "F-you" attitude to the "Please, love me, I'm hurt." You know, with both of us working full-time jobs, there are not that many hours in the evenings for us to really talk. It seems like I watch the clock, realizing that from 5:30 until maybe 10:00 PM is all we have. Its 9:00PM now, and of course yet another evening is shot. I think he basically thinks that if he doesn't speak at all, nothing can get worse. The problem with that thinking is that nothing gets any better either. And NOT doing ANYTHING will just let things "fester."

 

I've apparently been unable to communicate this to him, or he just doesn't care enough to FIGHT for this marriage. I've done enough work, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, its all I can think about. I wish he cared enough to do something, but I think at this point I can only pick up the papers from the lawyer and give them to him. Does it seem like I"m being harsh? Life is just too short to live with this stress isn't it? I can't continue to love someone who behaves this way, right to my face, and behind my back.