I'm lost..............

[Mz. Pixie]

Tell him you're not talking about anyone else's behavior, you're talking about HIS behavior and that you wouldn't waste time being married to someone who did worse than he did.

 

The real issue to me would not be whether or not they'd actually had sex. He spent time talking to and flirting with and pursuing this woman when he could have spent that time talking to, flirting with and pursuing his WIFE. Think about that for a minute. I don't think he really has.

 

If I were you I'd tell him I was seeing an attorney unless he agreed to go to marriage counseling. You're spinning your wheels here.

[jonesgirly]

I wish he would stop lying. I've realized that this relationship will probably end in divorce. As much as I love him, there is probably NO WAY for this mess to get resolved if he doesn't stop lying.

 

I don't understand why people who get "caught" continue to lie. It feel soooo disrespectul, soooo demeaning, etc. I guess I just don't DESERVE his freely offered, and honest answers.

 

Last evening, he actually DID approach me and begin conversation about our mess. We ended up talking for a couple of hours.

 

I have discovered that his affair actually probably began last February. That is when he started calling her desk (at work) from his cellphone. That continued until she got a cellphone. Okay, here's the new twist......

 

When I first started discovering this cellphone "activity", I had signed on to the account online, and saw that he had only ONE name on his "shortlist" (text-message list). It was that of this girls boyfriend "Pete" with the cellphone number he called. He told me at that time that "Pete" had let her use his cellphone, and when they broke up, she just kept it.

So I asked him LAST NIGHT AGAIN - WHY did you have "Pete's" name only on your shortlist? He replied: because I wanted to. I asked WHY again: He replied: because I just did. I asked him a THIRD time and he finally replied: because I didn't want you to know it was her!

 

So all this time, "Pete" never even HAD the cellphone (even though he had told me that she used his phone and kept it after they broke up). He had put her name in the shortlist (textmessage "TO" list) under "Pete's" name so that I wouldn't find out.

 

I don't know, I just don't think I can hang on with this idiot anymore. He lies and lies, and I don't even know what ends up anymore. I had no idea that he had lied about "Pete" having a cellphone. It was believable because her boyfriend also worked at the same company and my husband did call/talk to him frequently too. Its obvious he went to great lengths to hide this relationship. I think that speaks for itself.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well, they lie to minimize what they did, and because they are feeling guilty or because they don't want you to know the full truth. There are countless posts on here about people who lied and lied up until the end. It is just what a cheater does.

 

As a reformed cheater I know I lied to save my exh's feelings and the feelings of the other guys wife. Truly. I was leaving him anyway but not for the other guy, because I was done. In fact, I was a bit ashamed of my actions and I was trying to keep everyone from getting hurt.

 

However, I was wrong and also I wasn't trying to salvage the marriage. I was heading out the door.

[jonesgirly]

So, how in the heck do you state to your spouse: If you DO NOT lay down your blanket of lies and start being honest RIGHT NOW, this marriage is over. My h will state that he IS telling the truth, that he IS being honest, even though these little lies continue to creep out. He'll ask WHAT is it you want to know? And to be truthful, there isn't a specific question I have that needs to be answered, but rather, what I want to KNOW is that he IS telling me the truth!

 

I know that I cannot continue this crap. The wondering, the questions, it just never ends. How does anyone get through a mess like this? I love my husband, and I think he loves me too, but really, I don't think I can live the rest of my life with a person who can lie right to my face when all I've ever asked for is the truth. Even when he can see the pain in my eyes, and hears the anguish in my voice, he cannot muster the "whatever it takes" to be honest with me. This is a very sad revelation for me - betrayal is not something that people can work out, especially when it continues.

 

I wish I knew an effective way to convey the NEED, the REQUIREMENT, the IMPORTANCE, of total honesty at a time like this. Has anyone had success?

 

Does the wondering ever go away, or do you just settle for an "okay, I believe you" thinking that really isn't sincere?

 

I just hate that he chose to have an EA, which was damaging enough, but then to just KILL any chances for MY recovery, continues to lie. Wow, I'm really not very important here am I!