DefBringer Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 My wife agrees to watch her brother's 4yo daughter, who is close to our daughter's age, quite often. 1-2 overnight stays every month: her brother and his wife have jobs that require frequent travel. "It is what it is" but it's the following details that get under my skin: 1) It's never reciprocated, they offer but never comes to fruition 2) Wife's brother does not trust her to drive on the highway, requires her to drive on side-roads to pick up/drop off niece at school which is 45-60min ONE way from our home. 3) Added to the above overnight stays, brother-in-law and his wife ask my wife and mother-in-law to help watch daughter at their house. In general they need a lot of "help". Once every other weekend? My wife says she wants to help out, and I love her for being a kind person, but I do know that she is visibly tired after the visit. She tries to shield me from it but of course I cannot go disappear into my man cave; she needs help with cooking/playing with kids/cleaning up/etc. I feel like my wife is being taken advantage of and she's agreeing to do it to take the babysitting burden off of her mom, which is admirable, but they in turn like to privately grumble about it. When I complain to my wife about it she gets livid and accuses me of being mean and uncaring. It is an extremely hostile reaction (this is the only issue in our marriage). So I know I cannot DO anything about this, but it would help me to understand what your perception is: am I just being an a-hole? Or am I okay to feel put-out by this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 That is your niece. Your wife is her Aunt. There is a saying "it takes a village" and it sounds like your wife appreciates that and is a part of her niece's "village" You do sound a big judgmental - especially since you mention how you can't just go hide out in your man cave. Don't you spend time with your niece? Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 It sounds jerklike on the surface but I agree with how you feel and would react the same. If she wants to overextend herself to the point of exhaustion for her family, it’s her choice. I used to get resentful of my husbands sister and mother and how much they leaned on him. I found that my level of resentment dropped quite a bit the more I dropped my level of participation in his assistance to them. Subsequently he dropped his level as well not long after I did, the load had been spread between the two of us and when he had to carry it alone he realized how ridiculous it really was and how much they were really asking him to do. (Example: they would want to come visit us but would require him picking them up and driving them up to our place in the mountains, and driving them back home, all in one day. Over 6 hours of driving. Screw that.) I stopped going along for that ride after the first one and he eventually stopped doing it.) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 Why don't they trust your wife to drive on a highway with your niece in the car? If there is a valid reason, get over it. If they are just being ridiculous, tell your wife to take whatever roads she wants. If your wife isn't complaining, try to be more OK with it. When you need help with your kids be more insistent about the other family helping out. Plan a date with your wife & tell them your kids are coming over. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 If it's taking anything away from you, like privacy or time with your wife, tell her that specifically. If it's annoying to have the kids around, that's legit, but I gather you also have kids. It sounds like your wife is trying to please which is sibling stuff. If you feel some reciprocation would be nice, ask for it yourself. Say, I want to take Ginger out on a real date next Saturday. Will you watch the kids? Maybe if they sense reciprocation is going to be a "thing" going forward, they will peel it back. Or not. Things like this require compromise on both your parts. Be sure she understands specifically what you feel is too much and why. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 So I know I cannot DO anything about this It seems even you understand this is wasted energy and will only serve to cause dissension between you and you wife. She could say "no" to any of these requests but chooses not to. I assume you married her because she's a competent, kind and generous human being. Back off, have faith in her judgment and consider yourself lucky you have a good person for a spouse... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 you are not being an a-hole but you could withhold sex until your wife sees the light 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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