Guy doesn't text while on vacation

[pc31]

I have been dating this guy for ~2 months, and have been on ~9-10 dates. Although we haven't discussed exclusivity, I could tell that he was quite smitten. Like, he insisted that we hugged when sleeping, and when I said I wasn't used to sleeping like that, he said I'd better get used to it now. To me, it kind of implied that he wanted to continue seeing me consistently in the future (Could my interpretation be wrong?)

 

On Thursday last week, he left for his pre-booked 2-week vacation. We did spend Wednesday night together; I kissed him goodbye and wished him a good holiday on Thursday morning. Everything seemed nice and sweet - it didn't cross my mind that I had to discuss with him about communication during this vacation...

 

Fast forward, today is Monday - it has been almost 5 days and absolutely ZERO communication from him. I now started to feel a bit uneasy. Earlier I noticed him being online on whatsapp, but he did not text me...

 

Should I be worried? Maybe he is not that interested in me after all? Maybe he's not that serious after all...

 

I don't think I should text him because for the latest 2 dates that we went, it was me who initiated them... I feel like, if he doesn't text me at all during the holiday, I probably should call it off... What do you think?

 

--

 

On another note, and I don't know how relevant this is, I recently found out that he had an account on tourbar.com, which is some kind of travel dating site... Earlier, he also told me he was active on couchsurfing.com (another site for travel and casual hookup with locals while traveling), and has met many interesting people there... I kind of suspect that he goes on this holiday with some girl. Like, they probably had plans to meet up at the destination country and whatever. This is purely my speculation though, but it makes me really upset, and I'm not sure how to ask him about it, given we aren't exclusive... Should I be worried about these sites? What should I do? :/

Edited December 17, 2018 by pc31

[d0nnivain]

No you should not be worried. It's a vacation. Time to disconnect from real live including the cute new person he met (you). He may also HATE the holidays & is hiding to not deal with some pain that you are unaware of. Really, his vacation was planned long before you & has nothing to do with you.

 

Neither site you mentioned has hooking up as it's primary function. Based on your logic because he wants to save money, be bohemian & sleep on some stranger's couch, you could just as easily conclude that every day when he leaves the house to go to work he's trying to hook up. It just doesn't follow so calm down.

 

Write off these two weeks. See what happens when he comes back but understand you owe each other nothing, not even fidelity. If you are genuinely bothered by this behavior that I see as normal & appropriate, break up with him because you have a problem not because he is stepping out of bounds. This is your issue. You are allowed to have it but you are not allowed to try to control his behavior.

 

If you can manage to be cool, things will probably be find when he gets back.

[smackie9]

Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. I too would expect some communication, but I have a feeling your arrangement with him is casual as it stands. Pretty much seeing each other once a week, I wouldn't see as serious. I don't care how he cuddles in bed...that means jack crap. And texting everyday (if that's how much is done) doesn't constitute as time spent dating IMO. It comes into question has he been kind love bombing you...blowin smoke up yer butt so to speak.

 

 

Sit back and have a chat with him to clarify things when he gets back.

[pc31]

No you should not be worried. It's a vacation. Time to disconnect from real live including the cute new person he met (you). He may also HATE the holidays & is hiding to not deal with some pain that you are unaware of. Really, his vacation was planned long before you & has nothing to do with you.

 

Neither site you mentioned has hooking up as it's primary function. Based on your logic because he wants to save money, be bohemian & sleep on some stranger's couch, you could just as easily conclude that every day when he leaves the house to go to work he's trying to hook up. It just doesn't follow so calm down.

 

Write off these two weeks. See what happens when he comes back but understand you owe each other nothing, not even fidelity. If you are genuinely bothered by this behavior that I see as normal & appropriate, break up with him because you have a problem not because he is stepping out of bounds. This is your issue. You are allowed to have it but you are not allowed to try to control his behavior.

 

If you can manage to be cool, things will probably be find when he gets back.

 

You are right about couchsurfing, but actually, tourbar.com has its main function as meeting (and hooking up) with fellow solo travelers of the opposite sex at destination countries. It is really exclusively advertised for that purpose.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I find your advice very reasonable. I also think it is really a ME problem. Maybe we just don't have a compatible communication style, you know. It is not because he steps out of bound. I will think about it.

 

I want another advice, although it is a bit ahead of myself/my situation. So the day before he left, when we were with each other on Wednesday night, he told me that his grandmom passed away just the night before (Tuesday) and that he had never seen his mom so devastated like that. He also showed me photos of his grand mom's pass-away ceremony...

 

I consoled him and asked if he would go back to his mother's house to see her? He said no, and did not want to cancel his vacation, and said there would be no point of seeing a dead person now.

 

This totally shocked me. I don't know how much he already paid for this vacation, but choosing it over being with his mother when she needed him seemed really horrible to me. I get it, to travel to his mother's house would require booking new flights and he might not get back some of the money that he already pre-paid for the vacation... All in all, it's a lot of extra money. But still, I feel like he and I don't have the same value systems. I am the only child, and my family is THE most important thing to me. I would definitely definitely go back to see my family in times like this if I have the means to do it (and he definitely does have money)...

 

Is it normal / reasonable that people continue their pre-booked vacations in such situations? Am I over-reacting? :/

Edited December 17, 2018 by pc31

[pc31]

It comes into question has he been kind love bombing you...blowin smoke up yer butt so to speak.

 

 

I don't understand what you meant here. What are the signs that he is more than casual?

[smackie9]

You made sure it was mentioned that he wants you to get used to the cuddling and you are thinking could this mean more?? I know it's making you feel this could be more serious. Guys will say and do stuff to keep you on the hook to avoid actually committing.

[olivetree]

The cuddling thing is sweet but in and of itself doesn't mean anything.

He could just be very physical / affectionate but still feel uncommitted.

 

Given that you've not defined the relationship, he's off travelling for 2-weeks and he's on a travel site to meet other singles... there's a good chance he's meeting other women.

Add in the lack of communication and yeah - it seems this is a non-exclusive casual relationship to him.

 

See how you feel when he gets back.

If you feel icky about things, don't continue.

 

About the mom thing - it's hard to say if he should have gone to be with her without knowing the full story.

Does she have other support?

Maybe she hasn't been the greatest mom to him.

There's a lot of unknowns.

[basil67]

Given that you aren't exclusive, there's not a whole lot you can do. I suggest sorting out your relationship status when he gets home.....if you decide to wait for him...

[Malin889]

So he did or didn’t go home for his grandmothers funeral? You said he showed you pictures, but I didn’t know if that meant if he was there or not. Whose taking pictures at a funeral?

[ThorntonMelon]

You have every right to have the relationship you desire and deserve. If he's not giving that to you there is nothing wrong with finding someone who will.

[DrNo1962]

Not going to be a popular opinion here, but whilst some have said you should date someone that serves your desires/needs there also should be some self-reflection as to whether those needs are healthy for a relationship.

 

Given the stage of your relationship with said fellow (no talk of exclusivity) and the fact that he is on vacation, I would be wanting him to feel free and enjoy himself without expecting him to be in communication with you.

 

I know that when i'm on vacation I like to have a technological sabbatical and all phone communication is pretty much reduced to zero unless searching for a particular place to visit while on holiday.

 

Let him enjoy the 2 weeks and reconnect with him when he gets back. That's my advice.

[pc31]

So he did or didn’t go home for his grandmothers funeral? You said he showed you pictures, but I didn’t know if that meant if he was there or not. Whose taking pictures at a funeral?

 

He did not go. His mom took the photos and sent to him via whatsapp.

[pc31]

The cuddling thing is sweet but in and of itself doesn't mean anything.

He could just be very physical / affectionate but still feel uncommitted.

 

Given that you've not defined the relationship, he's off travelling for 2-weeks and he's on a travel site to meet other singles... there's a good chance he's meeting other women.

Add in the lack of communication and yeah - it seems this is a non-exclusive casual relationship to him.

 

See how you feel when he gets back.

If you feel icky about things, don't continue.

 

About the mom thing - it's hard to say if he should have gone to be with her without knowing the full story.

Does she have other support?

Maybe she hasn't been the greatest mom to him.

There's a lot of unknowns.

 

You are right. I also feel that the relationship is really casual for him. It was just me who caught feelings and hence feel uneasy about the whole thing. Sigh. I think I will call it off because we are not on the same page and that is not healthy for me. This thought makes me sad

 

He gets along fine with his mom and he said this grandma raised him. Sigh, somehow really heartless to me.

Edited December 18, 2018 by pc31

[I'veseenbetterlol]

 

Should I be worried? Maybe he is not that interested in me after all? Maybe he's not that serious after all...

<SNIP>

 

This does sound suspicious. Yes he is on vacation but he could send a text/pic at least once everyday. When my bf and I started dating he went on a cruise. There were days he couldn't text (I didn't expect him to be charged an arm and a leg), but he texted me an opportunity he had. He had time to go online, but didn't text you, he chose not to text you.

 

 

The dating travel site thing is also suspicious and sounds like he is hooking up w/someone when he travels. I'd be pretty hurt as well and I suggest not waiting on him. Do not hesitate to go on dates. Be cautious when he comes back because you don't know what his intentions are. Guys can tell you whatever you want to heath while they are bedding another girl.

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[I'veseenbetterlol]

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I find your advice very reasonable. I also think it is really a ME problem. Maybe we just don't have a compatible communication style, you know. It is not because he steps out of bound. I will think about it.

 

I saw this and wanted to make another reply. DO NOT make excuses for him. I used to think the exact same way when in a LDR. If I didn't text him, he could prob have gone a day or more w/absolutely no communication despite not being busy. If a guy likes you, he will text you. There is nothing wrong w/wanting more communication, esp at least once in 5 days. There's only an issue if you want 24/7 communication. The more you see yourself as the problem, the more you will let him get away w/not treating you right. Do not settle for crumbs from this guy, you want to be #1 priority.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[pc31]

Now that i think about it...he probably had had plans to meet other women while traveling all along. In the last 10 days or so prior to the trip, he repeatedly told me 2-3 times that he did NOT know why he booked vacation in that country because it's going from one cold country to another, and that he should have booked vacation in a tropical country instead. Who would book expensive overseas vacation without solid reasons?! What could be the impulsive reasons that he did not want to tell me?!...

 

Sigh, realizing this makes me super sad. I think i probably will break it off with him when he is back. Realizing that we arent on the same page kinda stings but staying is definitely not healthy for me

[SophieG]

You are right. I also feel that the relationship is really casual for him. It was just me who caught feelings and hence feel uneasy about the whole thing. Sigh. I think I will call it off because we are not on the same page and that is not healthy for me. This thought makes me sad

 

He gets along fine with his mom and he said this grandma raised him. Sigh, somehow really heartless to me.

 

Why don’t you wait until he gets back before taking a decision?! Maybe talk about it with him, tell him that you like him and you’d like to be exclusive with him. If he says no, then you know what you have to do.

And about the cuddling and everything, those are just words with no meaning. My friend was dating a guy who was always saying « my woman », and things about the future, and in the end, didn’t want to be a relationship.

[Malin889]

He did not go. His mom took the photos and sent to him via whatsapp.

 

It would definitely bother me if a guy I was dating didn’t go home for his grandma’s funeral. I don’t care how much the ticket-changing fees were. It’s your GRANDMOTHER. Instead he asked his mom to take pictures? At a funeral? Big red flag for not going to be with his family.

[Highndry]

It would definitely bother me if a guy I was dating didn’t go home for his grandma’s funeral. I don’t care how much the ticket-changing fees were. It’s your GRANDMOTHER. Instead he asked his mom to take pictures? At a funeral? Big red flag for not going to be with his family.

 

 

I agree. People who don't show up to important family engagements and/or are estranged from their family oftentimes have severe personality disorders and issues.

 

That being said, it's understandable in cases of abuse, etc., but those people tend to have "issues" as well.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks for the education about the tourbar app. I never heard of it. Hopefully he downloaded it before meeting you. If he just uses it to find people to go drinking with . . . ok.

 

 

I want another advice, although it is a bit ahead of myself/my situation. So the day before he left, when we were with each other on Wednesday night, he told me that his grandmom passed away just the night before (Tuesday) and that he had never seen his mom so devastated like that. He also showed me photos of his grand mom's pass-away ceremony...

 

I consoled him and asked if he would go back to his mother's house to see her? He said no, and did not want to cancel his vacation, and said there would be no point of seeing a dead person now.

 

This totally shocked me. I don't know how much he already paid for this vacation, but choosing it over being with his mother when she needed him seemed really horrible to me. I get it, to travel to his mother's house would require booking new flights and he might not get back some of the money that he already pre-paid for the vacation... All in all, it's a lot of extra money. But still, I feel like he and I don't have the same value systems. I am the only child, and my family is THE most important thing to me. I would definitely definitely go back to see my family in times like this if I have the means to do it (and he definitely does have money)...

 

Is it normal / reasonable that people continue their pre-booked vacations in such situations? Am I over-reacting? :/

 

I'm an only child too & I think it's a bit callous that he didn't go to the funeral, preplanned vacation notwithstanding. I will admit that when my uncle died, my cousins called me & told me not to cancel my honeymoon for his funeral. He had declined the invitation to our wedding because he was too ill to travel but made his kids, my cousins, not tell me & made them promise to make me go on the HM. It broke my heart because me not going meant my mother couldn't go. The funeral was on the west coast & she wasn't well enough to travel without me.

 

Since you don't know him all that well yet & you don't know the dynamic assume his family encouraged him to go or that his decision fits within their family norm, even if yours is different. If as you get to know him more he does other things that seem off or uncaring then you know you are dealing with a pattern & you will have to decide if you want to put up with that. Many people don't "do" funerals. I don't get it but you can't force somebody else to mourn the way you would.

[pc31]

Thanks everyone for your comments. At this point it is very clear to me that I am the only one who is having feelings and he only treats us casually. That is sad, but fair enough.

 

I want to ask your opinion on the following items:

 

1. Should I reach out to him during this vacation time? Like, "Hey, hope your vacation is going well. Miss you." (well, i do miss him, and i feel like checking on how he's dealing with his grandma's death is appropriate.. but perhaps he doesn't even care??? I don't know.)

2. If he reaches out, but only for general greetings like Merry Christmas, should I even bother to be friendly, or should I just simply reply with the same message Merry Christmas and leave it at that?

 

When he is back:

3. Should I ask him directly whether or not he slept with someone else during this vacation? Now, I understand that he doesn't owe me anything, and it's not his fault if he did. But still, I kind of want to know. But on the other hand, I'm also nervous about the answer...sometimes ignorance is bliss

4. Should I bring up my concern once again about how he missed his grandma's funeral? I already show my surprise, but i did not make a big deal of it when he mentioned that he wouldn't go. Maybe I at least should tell him that it bothers me and how i feel like the 2 of us don't share the same family values?

5. Should I bring up the define the relationship conversation, or wait for him until he is ready and brings it up himself? Typically I would wait for a man to say something.

 

Thanks!

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Thanks everyone for your comments. At this point it is very clear to me that I am the only one who is having feelings and he only treats us casually. That is sad, but fair enough.

 

<SNIP>

 

Do nothing. I know this is hard, but why go out of your way texting him if he isn't texting you? He should initiate the texts because he knows his own vacation schedule. See if he gets in touch and makes an effort when he gets back. Real effort, setting up a date, coming to see you etc etc. Do not go out of your way, otherwise it'll look like you are chasing him. As I said before, see other guys and do not put all your eggs in this basket.

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gretchen12]

You went from believing he's smitten with you, to deciding to stop seeing him, all within this thread in a matter of hours. This volatility will make it difficult for you to have a stable relationship. There is a term called "object constancy" you can google that and take from it whatever helps you.

 

Think about it from his point of view. You were in a more or less positive state when he leaves, then you did a 180 all on your own. He doesn't know what happened. In a severe case, a husband can leave for work with a happy wife, and come home to an angry one. From his point of view the wife is unpredictable.

 

In your case, the guy will just think it's because he didn't text you or you met someone else. But it's not as simple as that. You want to cut and run because you are afraid of being hurt. There are no guarantees, and actually the truth is probably in between the black and white. He's not smitten, but he probably likes you a lot.

 

The travel dating thing is a problem, but you knew that before he left. How did you find out about it? Couchsurfing is not for hookups, last I heard, although anything can be used for datings, including meetup. As for his grandmothers funeral, if he has already shown you pictures then the funeral took place before his vacation?

 

You want to hear from him, I know, it's understandable, but you must try to stop keep thinking about it and making rash decisions.

[Purepony]

Yeah he sounds like a jack ! A simple “hey I’m okay “ text to at least let you know he’s still alive would help

 

What an inconsiderate person. My guess if you are right... you are more invested

[MaleIntuition]

Good lord.

 

Stop. Feeding. The. Paranoia.

 

So he hasn’t texted for a few days while on vacation? Big deal (you haven’t texted him either, have you?)! Wait until he comes back home, and bring up exclusivity then.