Guy doesn't text while on vacation

[clia]

IMO, after two months of dating and 9-10 dates, there is a reason why he hasn't asked for exclusivity with you yet -- because of this pre-planned vacation. I think it's highly likely that he planned it (before he met you) with intention of meeting up with some other women. He met you in the interim.

 

I don't think it's a great sign for you that he hasn't reached out at all since you left, not even with a "Hey, I arrived safely" text. IMO, if he was really smitten with you and into you, he would've reached out by now. Yes, being on vacation is time to chill out and relax, but you should be crossing his mind from time to time if he is really interested, at least enough for a text or picture here and there. But who knows? Maybe he is doing nonstop tourist stuff and hasn't had time, or maybe his phone isn't working. Who did he go on the trip with and what were his plans?

 

1. Should I reach out to him during this vacation time? Like, "Hey, hope your vacation is going well. Miss you." (well, i do miss him, and i feel like checking on how he's dealing with his grandma's death is appropriate.. but perhaps he doesn't even care??? I don't know.)

 

I would not reach out. He's the one on vacation, it's on him. You aren't his girlfriend, so don't try to play the role of concerned girlfriend.

 

2. If he reaches out, but only for general greetings like Merry Christmas, should I even bother to be friendly, or should I just simply reply with the same message Merry Christmas and leave it at that?

 

Be friendly, but mirror what he does. He technically hasn't done anything wrong here. You two aren't exclusive and there were no expectations set for communication while he was gone.

 

When he is back:

3. Should I ask him directly whether or not he slept with someone else during this vacation? Now, I understand that he doesn't owe me anything, and it's not his fault if he did. But still, I kind of want to know. But on the other hand, I'm also nervous about the answer...sometimes ignorance is bliss

 

No. It's none of your business if he slept with someone else when he was gone. You aren't his girlfriend. You will want to pull back a little bit, though, if you continue to see him.

 

4. Should I bring up my concern once again about how he missed his grandma's funeral? I already show my surprise, but i did not make a big deal of it when he mentioned that he wouldn't go. Maybe I at least should tell him that it bothers me and how i feel like the 2 of us don't share the same family values?

 

No. You will find this stuff out over time. As someone else mentioned above, you don't know his family dynamic yet. If I had a vacation planned and my grandmother passed away, my mother would tell me to go on my trip and have a good time. My grandma would say the same thing. "What do I care, I'm dead!" LOL.

 

5. Should I bring up the define the relationship conversation, or wait for him until he is ready and brings it up himself? Typically I would wait for a man to say something.

 

Wait for him to bring it up.

[elaine567]

Yeah he sounds like a jack ! A simple “hey I’m okay “ text to at least let you know he’s still alive would help

 

What an inconsiderate person. My guess if you are right... you are more invested

 

 

3 seconds to send a text, but he hasn't bothered.

 

9-10 dates over 2 months and sleeping together one would assume some sort of a "connection".

The fact he has gone on holiday and there is no communication whatsoever speaks volumes.

You are definitely not on the same page.

Interested people act interested...

[d0nnivain]

You are right. I also feel that the relationship is really casual for him. It was just me who caught feelings and hence feel uneasy about the whole thing. Sigh. I think I will call it off because we are not on the same page and that is not healthy for me. This thought makes me sad

 

He gets along fine with his mom and he said this grandma raised him. Sigh, somehow really heartless to me.

 

You caught feelings too quickly. You have known the guy 60 days & been on 10 dates. He doesn't owe you anything because you aren't exclusive. You are failing to recognize 3 critical factors:

 

1. He is on VACATION

 

2. He had a death in the family

 

3. It's the holidays

 

 

You are jumping to conclusions about your fledging relationship with no input from him. You can't project like that.

 

For all you know he's not texting you because he's curled up in a ball trying to process a loved one's death right before Christmas. His failure to reach out may have nothing to do with you.

 

Seriously while he is away you can't reach any conclusions because you simply don't have all the info.

 

If you want to break up because you concluded he's a horrible person for not going to the funeral fine but as for the rest of it, you are jumping to conclusions. IMO everybody gets a pass on vacation.

 

My husband & I had been dating for about 5 months when I left to go on a pre-booked NYE 10 day cruise. I think we texted 3 times & had 1 phone call; service was sporadic. Try to remember that once upon a time before cell phones people didn't hear from each other for days at time. Expensive phone calls were 1-2x per week. Frequency doesn't not equal love but it may be a sign of neediness.

 

I saw this and wanted to make another reply. DO NOT make excuses for him. I used to think the exact same way when in a LDR. If I didn't text him' date=' he could prob have gone a day or more w/absolutely no communication despite not being busy. If a guy likes you, he will text you. There is nothing wrong w/wanting more communication, esp at least once in 5 days. There's only an issue if you want 24/7 communication. The more you see yourself as the problem, the more you will let him get away w/not treating you right. Do not settle for crumbs from this guy, you want to be #1 priority.[/quote']

 

It's not bread crumbs. The guy is on vacation. If he was home & not communicating, then there would be an issue but on vacation at the holidays after his family member died, maybe the guy needs some alone time. He has no obligation to reach out to a woman he just started dating. Patience is the operative word here. Pushing this fledgling relationship & expecting this guy to treat the OP like a long term GF is unrealistic. It's too soon.

 

Now that i think about it...he probably had had plans to meet other women while traveling all along. In the last 10 days or so prior to the trip, he repeatedly told me 2-3 times that he did NOT know why he booked vacation in that country because it's going from one cold country to another, and that he should have booked vacation in a tropical country instead. Who would book expensive overseas vacation without solid reasons?! What could be the impulsive reasons that he did not want to tell me?!...

 

Sigh, realizing this makes me super sad. I think i probably will break it off with him when he is back. Realizing that we arent on the same page kinda stings but staying is definitely not healthy for me

 

On the same page about what? You barely know the guy but now you are going to dump him because you disapprove of how he makes decisions about where to go on vacation?

 

He made these plans before he met you. So what if he made them with an eye toward hooking up? Why not give him the benefit of the doubt that having met you, hooking up is no longer the priority? However since you are not exclusive & it's too early anyway, just see what happens after the holidays when he gets home.

 

It's really not fair for you to punish him or jump to conclusions based on plans that were put in place before he met you.

 

1. Should I reach out to him during this vacation time? Like, "Hey, hope your vacation is going well. Miss you." (well, i do miss him, and i feel like checking on how he's dealing with his grandma's death is appropriate.. but perhaps he doesn't even care??? I don't know.)

2. If he reaches out, but only for general greetings like Merry Christmas, should I even bother to be friendly, or should I just simply reply with the same message Merry Christmas and leave it at that?

 

When he is back:

3. Should I ask him directly whether or not he slept with someone else during this vacation? Now, I understand that he doesn't owe me anything, and it's not his fault if he did. But still, I kind of want to know. But on the other hand, I'm also nervous about the answer...sometimes ignorance is bliss

4. Should I bring up my concern once again about how he missed his grandma's funeral? I already show my surprise, but i did not make a big deal of it when he mentioned that he wouldn't go. Maybe I at least should tell him that it bothers me and how i feel like the 2 of us don't share the same family values?

5. Should I bring up the define the relationship conversation, or wait for him until he is ready and brings it up himself? Typically I would wait for a man to say something.

 

1. If you want to send 1 text go ahead. I'd keep it generic & Not mention the death in the family. If you want to acknowledge the death, send him a condolence card.

 

2. If he reaches out do mirror what he says / does. Do not escalate. You have been crying that he's not reaching out but now you are already anticipating complaining about the quality of the contact. You are a new person in his life; you two have not been dating for years. Not everybody attaches as fast as you do. Dial it back. If you can wrangle your emotions into being more in line with the reality of the situation you will suffer fewer disappointments. You are attaching too high of expectations to this fledgling relationship. You are causing your own suffering.

 

3. Not unless you want to come across as crass & certainly not over the phone / text. When he comes back & you are together in person, ask about the trip. If you see a woman in photos you can ask about her but to come at him guns blazing -- who did you F*** while you were gone? (because that is what he will hear no matter what words you use) he will bolt for the door after concluding that you are a needy psycho who wants to control him. There are subtle ways to make inquiry without directly asking the Q. You two should still be using condoms so safety should not be a huge concern. As you move toward exclusivity, you can require STD tests & go from there but not now.

 

4. You can discuss it but you better phrase it gently, from a place where you are inquiring about his grief style not attacking him for his choice that was different from yours.

 

5. You can bring it up since the whole undefined thing is not working for you. I'd tell him that his travels accelerated your desire to have this conversation because you felt unsteady while he was gone.

 

All in all I think you are about to step on a landmine because you have worked yourself into a frenzy, whipped up by others who are feeding you garbage about daily contact & making it seem that a new SO should behave the same way as somebody who has been in an LTR. In that unstable frame of mind when you raise all of these subjects, especially at once, he's going to feel attacked & he's gonna bolt.

 

Tread lightly.

Edited December 18, 2018 by d0nnivain

[elaine567]

He gets along fine with his mom and he said this grandma raised him. Sigh, somehow really heartless to me.

 

 

The woman who raised him has died and he decided not to go to her funeral???

Something is way off kilter, and if family means a lot to you, then I guess this is not the guy for you.

 

 

BTW - if you forget about that cuddling in bed, then what have you got left?

[Morello]

What I don't understand in this thread is why it's all about whether he messaged her and nothing about whether she messaged him.

 

Are guys really expected to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to messaging? Like, he's travelling, does he need to keep sending 'check in' texts just to get some validation? This almost sounds like something the woman would do, not the men.

 

I understand the frustration in him not texting, but did she text him anything? Or he needs to be doing 100% of the initiation?

[BaileyB]

You went from believing he's smitten with you, to deciding to stop seeing him, all within this thread in a matter of hours. This volatility will make it difficult for you to have a stable relationship. There is a term called "object constancy" you can google that and take from it whatever helps you.

 

You want to hear from him, I know, it's understandable, but you must try to stop keep thinking about it and making rash decisions.

 

This. You went from believing he was smitten, to deciding he was more casual than you, to deciding to stop seeing him, to wanting to text him and tell him you miss him... With all due respect, you are all over the board, you don't know what you want/what you can expect from this relationship, and you change your mind like the wind...

 

Let's not forget that this is also the guy who was so good in bed, that he caused you to loose your better judgment last week... Although, before and after the sex you were planning to dump him because he hasn't practiced his English and you couldn't communicate with him.

 

Are you always this anxious about everything? Or, is it just dating and/or this relationship that is throwing you into a tailspin?

 

If he is casual, which you must believe if it has only been a few weeks and he is active in dating apps while travelling, the last thing you want to do is send him an "I miss you" text or interrogate him when he gets home to learn whether he slept with another woman.

 

If you must, send him a "Merry Christmas" text on the holiday. Otherwise, go out and have fun with your friends. Go on another date. And wait for him to contact you. And if/when he does, it's time to have a conversation with this guy and ask him what he is is looking for in a relationship... If he is serious about you, no more dating apps. But, that is a conversation for another day...

Edited December 18, 2018 by BaileyB

[Wallysbears]

My goodness, the age of instant and constant contact is wacky.

 

He's ON VACATION.

 

That used to mean "out of contact"

[BaileyB]

My goodness, the age of instant and constant contact is wacky.

 

He's ON VACATION.

 

That used to mean "out of contact"

 

Amen.

 

10 characters

[elaine567]

My goodness, the age of instant and constant contact is wacky.

 

He's ON VACATION.

 

That used to mean "out of contact"

 

OK but that was when it cost an arm and a leg to phone home from abroad, or send a telegram now it is a simple text.

I guess he hasn't left his phone at home...

[DrNo1962]

OK but that was when it cost an arm and a leg to phone home from abroad, or send a telegram now it is a simple text.

I guess he hasn't left his phone at home...

 

First of all a text is the lowest form of investment in terms of communication. Why do people place such high value on it?

 

Secondly, the advice in this thread has sadly fed in to the insecurities of the OP instead if helping her recognize a more healthy mindset.

 

It's these insecurities that will push you towards low-value men. If you want a high quality male, you will need to address these issues and work towards a more resilient self.

 

OP, I highly recommend you read the following whether it works out with this guy or not:

1) Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

2) The Tao of Dating by Ali Binazir

3) Never chase men again by Bruce Bryans

[I'veseenbetterlol]

3 seconds to send a text, but he hasn't bothered.

 

9-10 dates over 2 months and sleeping together one would assume some sort of a "connection".

The fact he has gone on holiday and there is no communication whatsoever speaks volumes.

You are definitely not on the same page.

Interested people act interested...

 

Bingo! Lack of action on his part speaks volumes on how much he cares.

[DrNo1962]

Bingo! Lack of action on his part speaks volumes on how much he cares.

 

Wrong. There is such a thing as context.

 

It's not all one's & zeroes.

 

This sort of absolutism is driving insecure men/women into the arms of low-value partners.

[pc31]

Still no news from him. I'm getting more and more disappointed. I thought I knew better

[Shining One]

Have you considered that he's on a carrier or plan with no international roaming? Quite a few smaller/cheaper US carriers do not have international roaming agreements. My phone (Verizon) has international roaming disabled unless I'm travelling for work.

[Purepony]

There’s jo excuse for this lack of communication for god sakes !

 

The didn’t go to the funeral a heads up wouldn’t kill him. I guarantee you there are smart phones email computers or even telegrams in the country he’s at.

 

I’m not a magician buddy I sure you there is some sort of communication that he can send out to let you know he’s OK or at least let you know that everything is fine and he’s not dead

 

Like I said earlier drop this guy because it’s only going to go downhill from here if it cost him too much to make a long-distance phone calls just to let you know he’s OK then that means he doesn’t even value enough to pay for a phone call

 

There’s no need to go into details about how he’s on vacation and what it’s about decency

[Morello]

Still no news from him. I'm getting more and more disappointed. I thought I knew better

 

Can I ask you how has the communication been since the beginning? Has he initiated most messages/phone calls or have you?

 

I still don't get why posters here are putting so much emphasis on him not texting if she's not texting him either.

[Purepony]

Can I ask you how has the communication been since the beginning? Has he initiated most messages/phone calls or have you?

 

I still don't get why posters here are putting so much emphasis on him not texting if she's not texting him either.

 

 

 

Because he left on vacation. Why can’t he just check in and say “hey I’m away” is that normal to you ?

 

If someone you are dating for almost three months leaves and doesn’t call you or text you or email you to even let you know they are alive..... ?! They obviously don’t care

[Morello]

I think he let her know he was travelling so she already knows he's away.

 

You sound like he went to a war zone or something. I still don't see why he needs to check in because he's away. If he's travelling, he's probably busier than her so he could be also thinking the same thing. She could have very well message him but she didn't.

 

Your advice is extremely off by suggesting he doesn't care about her just because he didn't contact for a few days. If anything, she should wait for him to came back and have a chat with him, not dump him just based on assumptions. They are not in a relationship.

Edited December 19, 2018 by Morello

[MaleIntuition]

Because he left on vacation. Why can’t he just check in and say “hey I’m away” is that normal to you ?

 

If someone you are dating for almost three months leaves and doesn’t call you or text you or email you to even let you know they are alive..... ?! They obviously don’t care

 

What are you rambling about? Why wouldn’t he be alive!? I got the impression he was traveling to like Canada - not Pyongyang.

 

Even if your assessment is correct; that he doesn’t like her that much: The advice to dump him is fundamentally flawed. Dumping someone you like based on the assumption that they don’t like you as much as you like them is... well... stupid.

 

3 month is still fairly early dating, we don’t know the frequency of their contacts but not long ago, OP considered it mostly casual herself.

 

All relationships will progress at different paces, but universally they will move through different phases, from casual towards more and more serious - and perhaps marriage. Roughly I believe it looks something like this:

 

Phase 1: I tell her what I did last weekend - first weeks of dating.

Phase 2: I tell her my weekend plans - still fairly casual, not an official couple.

Phase 3: I coordinate my weekend plans with hers - people start to refer to you as a couple.

Phase 4: We plan our weekends together - you are in an established relationship.

Phase 5: She plans the weekend for me - you live together etc.

 

Obviously the level of commitment, expectations and quality of communication should correlate with which phase you are at. Phase 1 and 2 will be filled with most anxiety: especially in phase 2 where the relationship is still fragile but one party might be pretty heavily invested. If a relationship reach a higher level of commitment you should, in a good relationship, simply be able to communicate that you prefer to hear from them more. But starting those “relationship-meta-talks” to soon it will come of as wierd, needy and/or nagging.

 

At the end of the day the question remains: is not texting with a certain frequency a true character flaw - a red flag - so to speak? And the simple answer is that it isn’t.

[Dodgersfan11]

Well he should text, it only takes 2 minutes to text someone.

[d0nnivain]

People continue to speculate. I still can't help but think that this guy the OP has only known for 2 months & been on 9/10 dates with may be upset & that is the reason he's not calling. Whether he attended the funeral or not, somebody he loved DIED. On vacation or not, he may have chosen to travel now because he hates the holidays & wants to escape. I know I want to skip all this fake cheer at any cost & certainly wouldn't have the wherewithal to deal with a new potential SO.

 

 

Seriously from about Dec 15 through the 1st full week after New Years, so here, Mon Jan 7, I say give all relatively new (< 6 mos) people in your life a pass because you just don't know what this time of year does to people.

 

If this guy's behavior stays lukewarm when he gets home, of course it's a good plan for the OP to move on but right now with no info about his motives or his cell plan stop overthinking it.

[elaine567]

It all boils down to simple niceness, friendliness and common decency.

The OP wants to be treated like a human being, like someone who matters is that really so hard?

Not asking for non stop texting or a whole album of holiday pics, just a simple text...

 

OP

Sure keep him around if you want a shady guy who is no doubt hiding something, or someone who thinks it is OK to keep you at a distance, or someone who hasn't the decency to attend the funeral of the woman who raised him... If you want to know how a man will treat a woman, look at his close relationships with family members...

 

If you are looking for husband and father material this guy isn't it. The world is full of women trying to change men into the man they really want - it doesn't work. Better to filter out the no-hopers early doors...

[MaleIntuition]

It all boils down to simple niceness, friendliness and common decency.

The OP wants to be treated like a human being, like someone who matters is that really so hard?

Not asking for non stop texting or a whole album of holiday pics, just a simple text...

 

OP

Sure keep him around if you want a shady guy who is no doubt hiding something, or someone who thinks it is OK to keep you at a distance, or someone who hasn't the decency to attend the funeral of the woman who raised him... If you want to know how a man will treat a woman, look at his close relationships with family members...

 

If you are looking for husband and father material this guy isn't it. The world is full of women trying to change men into the man they really want - it doesn't work. Better to filter out the no-hopers early doors...

 

No. She did not ASK for a text. She is HOPING for a text. He hasn’t texted her, she hasn’t texted him - yet he is the one without common decency?

 

And that is all the information you require to judge how good someone would be as a father?

[Morello]

He could be very well thinking "I lost a close family member and she doesn't care to check how I am, a message takes only 2 minutes".

[pc31]

Another date of no text from him.

 

Last night his name did pop up in the "friend suggestion" on my instagram so i followed him (along with a few other people that were suggested to me). Woke up this morning to find that he requested to follow me back.

 

So, no, he didn't NOT have internet. He still has his phone and has time to reply to internet notifications. He just doesn't want to contact me.

 

This hurts.

 

And i browsed his instagram a bit today. He did not post anything on it apparetly, but he does follow a bunch of LOCAL (ie in our city) instagram girls who constantly post photos flaunting their bodies and what not...and he liked a few of their photos too... And these girls look nothing like me. Most of them are blonde. I have black hair. All of them are thin and have well-defined assets. I am just your average nerdy girl who dresses very modestly... In the past, he has poked at my tummy fat many times and told me to go to the gym. I thought he was just teasing me in a playful way (you know, poking is playful), but i guess it was not fun afterall.

 

My god, i am so hurt right now ☹️

Edited December 19, 2018 by pc31