Healthy adult son and mother relationship?

[MollyJ89]

If you read, I’ve already done this. My daughter is a straight A, on her way to be a military officer in college, two jobs & has more money in the bank than most adults I know & she’s done it on her own & it’s bc of the love of her family & making her e felt love all the time...not focused on the crap that society says. So I’ve already proved i can raise a kid into a fully responsible adult...did I mention I was The head of PTA, her girl scout leader for 7 years, headroom mom, in charge of youth church sports, commissioner of her softball league (while her dad & grandfather coached for 10 years) head of church vacation school & Sunday school teacher...I have a ton experience not with just kids but hundreds of parents.

 

Look I come From an extremely close family, my friends are extremely close to theirs family’s too...none of us come from divorce. Only my husband & said he loved how close we were & is one of the things he sell in love with.

 

If i was a betting woman I’d bet you come from divorce & so do a lot of people you know. Those aren’t the people to listen to & im going to tell you why. People that come from broken families, especially women. Set such a unrealistic goal of what is “right”, most that don’t come from a broken home realize there is no right or wrong, it’s about what just works.

 

Men usually don’t like their wives treating them like children. Your MIL is treating her son like an adult & you want to treat him like a kid. Like I sais It doesn’t matter what you think, he’s an adult & doesn’t need you telling him what conversations he can have with his mom. If after only having a 8 month baby this has started, it’s not going to stop.

Nope. Parents have been married almost 40 years. Have six kids all with advanced degrees (including myself) all across the country. We are all married (no divorce there either) and all have our own kids so life is busy. None of us live in the same area. But way to assume. ��

 

His step dad left his other wife and children to be with my MIL after almost a decade of cheating with her though. If you want to know everyone’s back story.

 

There are definitely patterns of healthy and unhealthy behavior in relationships. This is unhealthy. I’m not shocked you can’t grasp that with what you’ve shared but I’m not going to try to further educate you on the subject.

 

As I’ve said multiple times, my husband has voiced that he wants this to stop. It wears him down and stresses him out. He feels obligated to listen but it doesn’t feel right to him. As others have said, he needs to more clearly voice that concern. He doesn’t have time to solve their problems and work full time and have a baby.

 

You’re clearly the minority here. But like I said seeing who you are and how you think has helped me understand the selfish, twisted aspects of the situation. So your comments have been helpful in that manner. Have a good life.

Edited December 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

It sounds like you and I have very different understandings of the role of grandparents. My daughter’s grandparents will serve as extensions of our family culture. That means she can expect the same general rules and expectations no matter where she is within her family. Children need consistency. In our home grandparents are free to love her and support her but not blatantly ignore rules with her to satisfy some selfish indulgence to give her instant gratification. That’s not really doing what’s best for her and her needs should come before adult wants. This is not something we ‘forget’ but rather something we endeavor to enforce. Real love comes from quality time doing fun activities not ‘spoiling them with candy’

 

The fact that you think grandparents should be the ‘anti parent’ tells me that you fully intend to and look forward to opposing and fighting your daughter’s parenting attempts just to bring yourself some joy. In recognizing this, I think your opinion has been very helpful as it shows me a lot about how someone with that mindset would process this situation. So thank you!

 

This post just made me feel so grateful for my son and daughter in law. They have 3 kids and when the kids were babies I visited them at their house but as they each reached the age of about 3yrs I started taking them for overnights at my house.

 

Their parents, my son and daughter in law, have never given me a list of rules I must follow when I have the kids. Obviously the parents expect me to feed the kids and keep them safe but they have never told me what to feed them or insisted I keep a certain schedule or dictated our activities. They are great parents and they have great kids but they are not rigid or controlling when it comes to me and the kids having fun and enjoying our time together. If they were to give me a list of rules I had to adhere to I'd probably not be too happy. I'm the grandma not a babysitter or unpaid nanny.

 

Your in-laws venting to your husband is your husband's problem to figure out. It's not so much that your in-laws are crossing boundaries it's more that there haven't been any boundaries established. Your husband needs to do that. As for weekly visits you and your husband need to come to some sort of agreement because right now it sounds more like a disagreement between you and your husband rather than a disagreement with in-laws.

 

Since this is your first child, it's somewhat normal to have aspirations of having everything the way you want. Many first born children grow up with issues because their parents put so much pressure on themselves and on the child for perfection. Any deviation from the parents image of what their children should be is seen as failure. Have a couple more kids and you will lighten up because you won't have the energy to oversee every single detail of that many lives...lol.

[stillafool]

OP, what is your husband's response when you've complained to him about this?

[Ronni_W]

She calls at least once a day, often at night when I’m spending one on one time with him.

We have an 8 month old daughter so our time together each night is only about an hour or 90 minutes at most.

Your lives and lifestyle have changed drastically in the past 8 months; and your MiL has not made the necessary adjustments on her side.

It doesn't have to be deliberate or malicious on her part; it's quite possible that she just hasn't thought about it.

 

Your husband can have a nice, calm, loving conversation with her, explaining how your schedules have changed, and you now have very limited time during the week, including

not enough time to spend with each other. Ask for her understanding and cooperation; say that he knows it's difficult to change deeply-set routines, but it's what he needs from now on,

given the changed circumstances. Suggest calls on, say, Tuesdays and Thursdays (or whatever). Goal is to start cutting down on the frequency. Further changes can come later.

 

If HE has a problem with the content of their conversations, then he can also ask them to change it somewhat. (Maybe something like, "How about we only vent on Tuesdays and when we're visiting?")

If HE is okay with listening to them vent, then that's not really a place where you can properly intrude.

 

If, after a week or two, there are signs that your MiL still doesn't get it, then he'll need to be more assertive. The fact is that she's intruding into the little time that you both have,

to take care of your marriage; mental and emotional bonding, making plans, forestalling or resolving issues, etc.

 

Best of luck...and wishing your daughter a very happy 'First Christmas'. .