Separated Boyfriend vanished

[Giraffe-A]

Hey all. Through the years, I have always read everyone's love experiences on this site. This is the first time I have actually created a profile.

Breaking straight into my sob story. A few years ago I met my now ex. We worked together briefly and I knew two things about him, he was one of those self-claimed nice guys and he was recently separated. The story was, she was seeing another dude and had managed to ruin their financial nest eggs for some unknown reason. They lost the house, he went straight to the bottle like a champ. At that time, he had also moved out and was living on his own.

 

He had shown interest in me and I remember me telling him, "you are not a good guy. Stop calling your wife a bitch. *You* married her for a reason and it's up to you to step up and handle your biz."

 

I resigned and he kept contact ever so often through FB. It was mostly him doing the initiating trying to invite me out and since we were both in law enforcement if I heard some gossip, I would initiate with him. A little over 2 years had gone by and still reappeared. Once again he asked me out and at that time I felt I was ready to give him a shot. Half-way shot anyway because I forgot about our date and made it there hours later. Something changed when I saw him. I was unusually receptive to this hard-headed, stubborn, mean-spirited, yet fragile person. I had not felt attraction for anyone in years and really, quite honestly, I forced myself to date. I felt dead inside, but here was this magical force calling me to this person.

 

The rest is just as countless women in my place have testified to. Got swept off my feet. He said he wanted to take care of me. He was amazing to me in every way. Most men are anyway, but I really meant it with my heart to feel this and reciprocate it twice fold. About month 2 or 3, he said he was happy with me. He didn't see himself wanting to date anyone else, and we became exclusive. We made plans for the future. Big plans. He was to retire and use his pension to move away and I was coming with him. And in all of this happiness I managed to set a foot on the ground to ask details. One of those was about his status with the wife. My heart sank when he stated that he was still married. He assured me that it was over and done with. So my next worry was his pension.Dont want to go into details there, but it seemed that he was counting on that, not realizing that the wife would take half. She had hers too, but with a house on foreclosure, one grown up kid, and both nearing retirement, I felt she would try to get a bit of his and may succeed. It was a sore topic for him so I let it play out.

 

Sure enough, by month 6 I got the call that his wife had gone after his pension. I personally didn't see an issue with it, because I already have a home, and great income. We could still follow our plans. He on the other hand, withdrew back into his anger. I gave him his space over the Thanksgiving holiday. It hurt that he didn't reach out. A week and a half later I sent him a text letting him know that I understood he needed to take care of this, but that I had feelings too and not to forget that I loved him. he stopped saying that he loved me. he would not say it back. His response was, "I understand. I dont want to hold you back. It looks like this is going to take a long time to resolve and if you have to move on, I'm sorry."

I took it like a champ and said I understood. Not 10 minutes later I texted back, stating once again that I knew this was important to him and he needed to handle it. I reminded him that he pursued me for 2 years and I knew what it was like not to be ready. And pretty much said I would give him the same. He said thanks and that was that.

I reached out one more time to ask how he was and got one of those short texts like I was teenager, "doin ok thx." With that, I waited a few more days and finally texted, "Don't forget that I love you." No response from him. That was my last text and have not heard anything else for the past 19 days. He gone!

 

Long story longer, this is where all you fine folks come in. reading your posts really helped me realize many things about this type of scenario. I should have avoided him now like I avoided him back then, at least after his divorce was final. If I had to describe this feeling, it would be that dog left in the backyard during a hurricane. It's coming, but the pet was not important enough during the chaos. With each passing day of NC, it does get better. I feel like a winner during the daylight and cry at night thinking how he could have let me go just like that? I'm a pretty cool person. But in all reality, I cannot compete with a 17 year marriage despite their troubles. And at times I wonder if he is capable of going back. All power to him, but these thoughts really hurt me at the moment. I think I feel humiliated more than anything. I really felt...I really shouted out to the universe that he was The One. I'm 38 and have only introduced one boyfriend to my parents way back when I was 15. I was with that guy until I was 25. My now Ex was the second man they had met.

 

To my friends, this makes no sense. Why would he give me up over this one thing? All of my belonging are in full display at his place. I wouldn't imagine there being anyone else. He hasn't asked me to come get my things or my house key. I have his too, so he knows I could show up at moments notice. Well, in the end, I will stick to my promise and wait. I have a big house that needs tending to and I put it off when I was all up in the clouds over him. I've already lost 14 lbs over this. If I had low self esteem, I would welcome everyone to talk me out of waiting, but when my heart opens up to someone, it keeps that person there.

 

What did I do to myself?

[NotADayGoesBy]

This sounds terrible--I'm sorry this happened to you. I have no idea what is going on here..hopefully you can get some insight from people who have been in a similar situation. I will say, that people can get crazy when it comes to money, so maybe that was enough to make him rethink his divorce?

 

I wouldn't contact him, given his lackluster responses. Maybe you need to do some rethinking and that your first impression of him was more the real him than the charmer that swept you off your feet. That is hard to swallow--we so only want to believe the best parts--but it sounds like his behavior is telling you otherwise.

 

You didn't deserve this, but maybe you can look at it as a bullet dodged. What if you had moved with him first and then he acted like this?

[Giraffe-A]

Hi NotADayGoesBy- Thank you for your response. He has acted cruel like this before when he was close to losing his job, but I wasn’t dating him then so it really didn’t matter how terrible he was to a lot of us. He did come back some months later saying I did not deserve that and was truly sorry. He’s one of those that sees red and best we all did was laugh at his temper and let him settle down on his own. But again, I wasn’t his GF then. At least he disn’t tell me to F-off this time. His character is not new to me. He was definitely not moving in with me. I made it clear I worked my butt off for what I had and I am protecting my future. With pensions.. that’s a very touchy subject for many as they see that as the end goal of all these terrible experiences out in the world. I feel that I have to pretend none of this happened and let him be angry at the world. Maybe he’ll come back, maybe he won’t. In that time I have to let Old man river deal with his anger and situation.

[FMW]

It's anyone's guess as to what's in his head or heart. It's just amazing how someone can seemingly just flip a switch on their emotions, but as you probably have read on this forum, it happens. I'm sorry, I know your pain and confusion are intense right now.

 

Financial security and stability are strong motivators and for some really are the priority in life. The separated man I fell in love with most definitely valued financial resources above all else. My being financially "comfortable" wasn't enough.

 

I understand you need to give it some time right now, but don't let it slide for too long. Don't let him keep you hung up and unavailable for happiness with someone else eventually.

[Giraffe-A]

Hi Finding My Way, thanks for your reply. I am sorry it didn’t work out for you. It really is a painful ordeal.

I’ve been conditioned to carry on as quick as possible in order to keep living. There wasn’t anyone long before him and do not foresee anyone anytime soon. The last couple of days I have managed to wrap up all of these thoughts into one, “It’s not about me.” He needs to close that chapter of his life before he can fully move on...with or without me. Of course inside I’m like, “pick me! Pick me!” Oh how painful, yet beautiful hope can be.

[ABernie]

Was there a Dday? BS anger changes a lot of things. WHs have to lay low. My situation is very similar to yours. The pension is the big issue. He does have a plan for that.

 

I had 2 D-days, and my IC says it takes about 6 months for the BS to realize that it's more exhausting being angry than not and about 1 year for the hurt from the betrayal to lessen. And in most Ds, it is the woman that initiates.

[Giraffe-A]

ABernie, Honestly, I have no clue. According to him, he filed and they could not find the wife in order to be served. He had a scheduled meeting with his lawyer last time I spoke to him, but honestly, that's about as much as I care to know. It's not my fight.

 

Based on our past before becoming lovers and what we had together as a "family" in our last job, he has always done well with apologies and has always done the right thing. It kills me to have such a level head on this, but I will just trust he will do what's best for him.