My partner is talking about suicide -- should i report him? His family says no.

[mommamia99]

i am engaged to a surgeon. He is highly skilled and very respected/

 

We separated 2 years ago and he has not been excited about setting a new date for making our status “married”. SO he still intros me as his wife…no one really knows..

 

Anyway.. he has been fighting with me a lot. He is very “up and down”…. About a year ago he woke up in the middle of the night screaming that he wanted me to call his mom…that he was having a nervous breakdown… felt he was out of control. He was acting insane and completely out of normal range.

 

He has a handgun and he was talking about dying…killing himself…disappearing…etc. I was so worried I got dressed FAST and said I had to be at work early. I called his parents and told them and they said never to call the cops on him…because it hurt his career. I said I felt unsafe. Basically they told me to grow some balls (in a nice way) and don’t EVER call anyone or report this….

 

I told them he even said he was seeing things…. then about 2 hours later he was back to himself…no problems. I realized at that point that I had been played.

 

Well last night he did a similar thing…only the outburst started with his hatred toward me. He said I was insane..sick in the head…demons in my head…said that he feels he is “sleeping with the enemy”. Horrible things..

 

But then he got very physical. He jumped up on the bed…started punching things…he told me to call his Mom and let her know that I had my way…that I finally drove him crazy. He kept saying he felt out of control. He had a surgery and he told me he should cancel it…he said if the woman who was having surgery died…it would be MY fault. I woke him up…and that I am SICK.

 

He continued saying I should call his mother… I didn’t. I figured it was an act… again.

 

He got up eventually and went to the hospital and I almost called police. I didnt’ though. He told me that he was very off during the surgery and people around him could notice. He felt “out of control”..

 

Then…he returned home and was fine…and even started talking about booking a ski trip for the holiday. He said that “I” was psychotic because I didn’t say much and when he pressed me…I told him I didn’t know how to respond because less than 12 hours prior… he was telling me that he was stupid to ever go ANYWHERE with me…etc.

 

He said that I am clearly insane. That my brain doesn’t work right and I need to learn how to do do normal communication.

 

So I said …” oh yeah..cause I have DEMONS in my head..” He said yes.

 

He eventually went back to surgeries…and has told me he doesn’t feel right. He says he feels “out of control” still…

 

He is fine at times for over an hour..but then snaps back into being completely pissed off and talking about how he wants to cash int any money he has…quit work and leave work for a month because he doesn’t feel stable.

 

My question is …should I report him myself? I don’t think he will kill HIMSELF necessarily…BUT i don’t think he is currently a reliable surgeon… and again he has told me that if someone dies on his table it’s MY fault…and I should be prepared to live with the consequences.

[Wallysbears]

I would call the HR department at the hospital where he works and have a conversation with the head HR person there.

 

It sounds as though he is having some sort of major mental issue and perhaps doctors there can assist him.

[amaysngrace]

He’s a doctor? Tell him to write himself a script.

[mommamia99]

Well, if I do that -- he will get in trouble AND he will tell me that I am horrible because I'm harming his career. I tried recording a phone conversation about it and he caught me. He had an app that detects when someone records a call... and he said I'm trying to "frame him."

 

I would call the HR department at the hospital where he works and have a conversation with the head HR person there.

 

It sounds as though he is having some sort of major mental issue and perhaps doctors there can assist him.

[BaileyB]

I would most definitely send a letter to his professional college. They have an obligation to protect the public and this man is showing possible signs of a significant mental illness - he is a risk to himself, to you, and to his patients. He needs professional help.

 

After you contact the college, I would leave the relationship. Do not bring children into this situation.

[BaileyB]

Well, if I do that -- he will get in trouble AND he will tell me that I am horrible because I'm harming his career. I tried recording a phone conversation about it and he caught me. He had an app that detects when someone records a call... and he said I'm trying to "frame him."

 

What he tells you does not matter. You must report his behavior and let the college do an investigation. And, you must protect yourself.

 

Seriously, he is waving a BIG RED FLAG - heed the warning and get out of this relationship. Go somewhere safe. You can not predict how he will respond.

[mommamia99]

The problem is as I mentioned in the original post is that I just fear he is being manipulative and this isn't as severe as he makes it.

 

he will retaliate against me i'm sure...if I report this. It won't be pretty. But I am 100 percent certain that he said the things he said.. there is no question in my mind. And I really wish I could have recorded it. I KNOW he will deny it all. He doesn't want help...

[BaileyB]

That’s still awful. Why are you with a man who says such awful things to do, would do something so manipulative, and would retaliate against you...

 

Get out of this relationship. He is waving a red flag that can be seen from space!

 

And here is the thing with professional licenses... When you renew your license to practice, the college asks if you have any diagnosis or are in any way unfit to practice - he is not being truthful if he does not report this. They expect individuals to self report these kind of issues, however many people don’t because of the consequences for their career.

 

You have a responsibility to protect yourself and the public.

[mommamia99]

That's very good advice. Yes, he told me today that he feels like he was having a nervous breakdown and that most people under the stress he is currently in...would have committed suicide by now. That he feels like he is a cold dark cave with only 2 feet to see.

 

He says today he isn't suicidal but he can't take my pressure and fears that I'm recording him or trying to get him in trouble. He is ALSO worried that he may be in trouble with the police -- he thinks I "told someone" about his emotional abuse. He thinks my therapist may have reported him...

 

He said he called his lawyer and the lawyer said "do you have her locked in a closet? Cause emotional abuse isn't a crime".

 

That’s still awful. Why are you with a man who says such awful things to do, would do something so manipulative, and would retaliate against you...

 

Get out of this relationship. He is waving a red flag that can be seen from space!

 

And here is the thing with professional licenses... When you renew your license to practice, the college asks if you have any diagnosis or are in any way unfit to practice - he is not being truthful if he does not report this. They expect individuals to self report these kind of issues, however many people don’t because of the consequences for their career.

 

You have a responsibility to protect yourself and the public.

[BaileyB]

I’m not a psychiatrist, but what you are describing concerns me because he sounds paranoid, possibly psychotic, and he may in fact be showing the signs of schizophrenia - a very serious mental illness. He needs to be evaluated by a professional.

[Mr. Lucky]

He’s a doctor? Tell him to write himself a script.

 

I'd guess he's already doing so, sounds like drug use to me. It could be an attempt to self-medicate his mental issues.

 

mommamia99, emotional abuse, though troubling, isn't the issue here. The elephant in the room is the danger he poses to himself and his patients, something you cannot stand by and allow to continue.

 

Contact his work and the state licensing board. Believe it or not, some day he'll thank you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wallysbears]

I would call and leave before he is home.

 

Do you have somewhere safe to go?

 

He truly sounds as though he's either on some sort of drug or having some sort of psychotic break.

[BaileyB]

I'd guess he's already doing so, sounds like drug use to me. It could be an attempt to self-medicate his mental issues.

 

Contact his work and the state licensing board. Believe it or not, some day he'll thank you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Good point. And self-medicating with drugs would only complicate any preexisting mental illness... May even precipitate the presentation of a mental illness. Another reason why this needs to be reported.

Edited December 19, 2018 by BaileyB

[Garcon1986]

You need to call Pamela Wible (she's a physician suicide expert):

 

 

Contact | Pamela Wible MD

 

 

Hear me out as a member of the medical community.

 

 

Once upon a time your boyfriend was a gentle, kind man, ready to go forward into the world of medical care. He was attracted to the type A super aggressive personalities that are in the land of Surgery.

 

 

Trouble with surgery is - the price to be paid is hundreds of hours of grueling work, at the wee hours of the morning - and you are surrounded by people who are extremely harsh at trainees, at each other, and have the worst tempers in all of medicine. Even the strongest man, with the strongest ethics, will be gradually beaten down by this military like approach to learning medicine. People who don't originally become nasty men with violent tendencies, start to have violent tendencies.

 

 

Your life consists of getting up at 3:45 AM, getting to work by 4:30, rounding on patients, doing surgeries till 6PM without food or water, getting dinner, and coming back if something went wrong - because you are responsible for your surgical patients. Rinse, repeat, and do it again for five years and 7 day weeks. While listening to incredibly cruel mentors yell at you for every little thing. Sleep is the least important thing because you have work to do. Never mind that you haven't signed 80 clinic notes yet.

 

 

He is clearly at fault but he has also been broken by the system. He doesn't need to die, and you clearly don't need to be hurt as the collateral damage of this colossal disaster that is the surgical training system.

 

 

If anybody reports him - he will likely fly into a rage because he will be fired, and likely will be unable to get any sort of medical job for the rest of his life, because his firing will be recorded forever. You are supposed to take whatever the big medical machine throws at you. WHATEVER they throw at you. He's at fault but he's not totally at fault. He's a broken man now.

 

 

- Call Pamela Wible. Nobody needs to die over a surgery job.

- you can call the team at the hospital, but remember there will be severe consequences for him likely.

- get your children in a safe place

- call your own family to assure your own safety

- and then leave when he's not watching. You can call him on the phone. He'll have to demonstrate that he's healthy enough to get restarted in surgery or in a relationship.

[pepperbird]

op,

please, please PLEASE report your husband and get help for yourself too.

 

 

 

 

Any time there is talk of suicide, take it seriously, even if you really aren't sure.

 

 

 

My dad's dad took his own life, and my mom and dad found him about a week later ( murder suicide...he'd used a shotgun to to kill his terminally ill wife and himself as well) without getting into all the gory details, the police were called, it was in the papers, on the radio news, etc. His sister was pregnant at the time, so it was hidden from her as much as possible.

 

One of the worst things of it all was having to clean up the room where it happened.

 

My dad, even after a lot of therapy, never really got over it, even though it happened back in the 60's.

 

 

You husband may be serious, he may not be. The truth is that you don't know for sure, so get help for him and then get out yourself. I don't mean divorce, just that, until he is on a better footing mentally, you need to protect yourself.

[mommamia99]

{snip} He is clearly at fault but he has also been broken by the system. He doesn't need to die, and you clearly don't need to be hurt as the collateral damage of this colossal disaster that is the surgical training system.

 

If anybody reports him - he will likely fly into a rage because he will be fired, and likely will be unable to get any sort of medical job for the rest of his life, because his firing will be recorded forever. You are supposed to take whatever the big medical machine throws at you. WHATEVER they throw at you. He's at fault but he's not totally at fault. He's a broken man now.

Thank you for the advice. The issue here is that I worry less about suicide thank his instability during surgery. When we were dating he pulled something similar when I was at work. He said he was dying when we were arguing. I called EMS. Turns out they came and he offered then drinks... joked about me as a bad gf And even took pictures! Times have really Changed and he is def under different circumstances and stress. But he got mad at me for calling ems!

 

My Point is… He does this kind of stuff… What worries me most is how neurotic he’s acting and then going straight to surgery. My concern about him actually committing suicide is not nearly what I worry about… For the people he’s operating on

Edited December 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SunnyWeather]

the behaviors you've described are very concerning. he needs to be seen by a professional asap, and that might mean making a 5150.

 

you wrote something about having told your therapist, yes? I would talk with her again asap to navigate how and to whom this should be reported to. it's not just your life we are talking about, but his and his patients.

[preraph]

Why are you with this person? If he hits or pushes you, do call the police. If he doesn't take himself to the hospital when he's suicidal, call 911. His parents are enablers. But why would you stay with this? That's crazy. He's verbally abusive to you and mentally ill! He probably shouldn't still have his medical license anyway.

[Veronica73]

1. You need to get out of there and find someplace safe to be asap.

2. You need to tell somebody. Maybe that person garçon suggested. I don’t know. But there is clearly something wrong with him. But wait until you have moved out and are someplace safe before you call.

3. I’m worried about his patients. But I’m also worried about your safety.

[BaileyB]

The issue here is that I worry less about suicide thank his instability during surgery. When we were dating he pulled something similar when I was at work. He said he was dying when we were arguing. I called EMS. Turns out they came and he offered then drinks... joked about me as a bad gf And even took pictures!

 

My Point is… He does this kind of stuff…

 

Garconn has a very good point, but I feel like there is more happening here...

 

My point is... no responsible person of sound mind “does this kind of stuff.”

 

Again, why are you with this man if this is what you have to deal with to be in this relationship. It’s not normal, and it’s not healthy for you.

[mommamia99]

I snapped this morning and told him I was leaving ..that I couldn’t deal with his emotional abuse anymore. He begged me not to go. He said he would try to improve and that he never truly meant to hurt me. He said that he would never physically hurt me and he is sorry he scared me.

 

I told him how destroyed I am as a person and that taking this emotional abuse has really taken a toll. I was screaming and yelling. I don’t want to paint a pretty picture of myself today. I was very very hurt.

 

He begged. Pleaded and he swears he will be better. So am I supposed to sweep this under the rug? He begged me not to tell police or anyone and said he was worried I am trying to “frame him”.

 

It’s all so difficult. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow

 

 

Garconn has a very good point, but I feel like there is more happening here...

 

My point is... no responsible person of sound mind “does this kind of stuff.”

 

Again, why are you with this man if this is what you have to deal with to be in this relationship. It’s not normal, and it’s not healthy for you.

[Wallysbears]

Look up the "cycle of abuse". This is completely normal in abusive relationships to go through a cycle like this.

 

(and "normal" does not mean "healthy")

 

Please be safe.

[preraph]

I snapped this morning and told him I was leaving ..that I couldn’t deal with his emotional abuse anymore. He begged me not to go. He said he would try to improve and that he never truly meant to hurt me. He said that he would never physically hurt me and he is sorry he scared me.

 

I told him how destroyed I am as a person and that taking this emotional abuse has really taken a toll. I was screaming and yelling. I don’t want to paint a pretty picture of myself today. I was very very hurt.

 

He begged. Pleaded and he swears he will be better. So am I supposed to sweep this under the rug? He begged me not to tell police or anyone and said he was worried I am trying to “frame him”.

 

It’s all so difficult. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow

 

If he was sorry, he wouldn't be gaslighting you and blaming things on you. No person with common sense would tell you to stay with this man, much less have children with him if that's on the agenda.

[SunnyWeather]

I snapped this morning and told him I was leaving ..that I couldn’t deal with his emotional abuse anymore. He begged me not to go. He said he would try to improve and that he never truly meant to hurt me. He said that he would never physically hurt me and he is sorry he scared me.

 

I told him how destroyed I am as a person and that taking this emotional abuse has really taken a toll. I was screaming and yelling. I don’t want to paint a pretty picture of myself today. I was very very hurt.

 

He begged. Pleaded and he swears he will be better. So am I supposed to sweep this under the rug? He begged me not to tell police or anyone and said he was worried I am trying to “frame him”.

 

It’s all so difficult. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow

 

that all sounds well and nice if you want to stay in the marriage going forward. however, the way things stand now, by your description, you should qualify staying on the condition he see a psychiatrist asap and be examined. he is displaying manic, psychotic and paranoid symptoms (for starters) and those are a lethal combination. heck he could even have a head injury. what is clear, he displays behavior that indicates he is a danger to himself and others. he should not be working until cleared by a professional.

 

stay if you want, but only if he is screened--and make sure it's an independent source, not a colleague.

[Veronica73]

Honestly, I think you need to leave and get somewhere safe and give him no warning that that’s what you’re planning.

 

I had to do it once. I got a mailbox at the post office. I got a burner phone. I changed the mailing addresses for all my bank accounts and credit cards. I got this all arranged very quickly. And I got the hell out while he wasn’t home and stayed at a hotel for a month while I looked for an apartment. I even hired a private investigator to watch him for the first couple of days to make sure he wasn’t coming to find me at my work. He had no idea where I was for a couple of months (besides when I was at work). And by then he was used to the idea of my leaving and I didn’t think he was going to snap anymore.

 

Also, if you have a service in town that helps women in domestic abuse situations, that might be something you want to do if you aren’t sure how to make it all work out. He seems horribly unstable.