My partner is talking about suicide -- should i report him? His family says no.

[salparadise]

First, get the gun out of the house!

 

An imminent threat to himself or others. That's the criteria for involuntary hospitalization. Based on what you describe I don't think there is any wiggle room.

 

If he's hallucinating along with the paranoia it could be [likely] schizophrenia. It typically shows up in early adulthood. It would be unfortunate for him to lose the career, but if that's what it is then it's a matter of when, not if. It will be found out, but hopefully not that the expense of someone's life.

 

You are only responsible for what happens if you don't report it. With the behavior you've described, there is no choice. You have the responsibility. You need to quit dithering and take control.

 

Plan for your own safety until the situation is under control.

[TaserTag]

Please take all of this incredibly seriously. You are not at all supposed to sweep any of this under the rug or forgive this man for abusing you and lashing out. Even in his latest 'apology' to you, he still expressed that he is afraid that you are 'framing him.' He is in no way stable or thinking clearly. He is incredibly paranoid and abusive, and is likely going to badly hurt himself, you, someone else, or all of the above. With what you have written, I am very afraid that he is going to kill someone. I don't know how you are even sleeping next to this man. Please protect yourself.

 

He is trying to project all his issues and problems on to you (you made him crazy, you are the one who is sick in the head, calls you psychotic and insane, says you are bad at communication - all him being abusive and controlling and trying to make you as messed up as he is).

 

Get away from him as soon as possible, and report any violence or stalking behavior to the police, and stay with family and friends or in groups whenever possible.

[mommamia99]

Thank you for the advice. I know you are right. It’s just hard to swallow. Especially a few days before Christmas. Can I handle leaving now? I have very few family members and they aren’t close to me. It’s going to be hard.

 

If he was sorry, he wouldn't be gaslighting you and blaming things on you. No person with common sense would tell you to stay with this man, much less have children with him if that's on the agenda.

[Veronica73]

Thank you for the advice. I know you are right. It’s just hard to swallow. Especially a few days before Christmas. Can I handle leaving now? I have very few family members and they aren’t close to me. It’s going to be hard.

 

Whatever you decide to do, if you’re going to leave (which I 100% think you should based on what you have written) keep your plans and any evidence of that extremely secret and safe from him. He already thinks you’re trying to frame him.

 

And yeah, it’s going to be hard. But you might be amazed how your friends, coworkers, even acquaintances rally around you and support you when you leave. And I don’t know what your situation is with your family. But you might want to tell them what is going on, even if they aren’t close (maybe once you know you are safe so that there is not chance that they alert him of your plans). They might surprise you and want to help.

 

When I realized I had to leave and wasn’t safe, I didn’t tell my family until I had everything all arranged and had moved out and was staying in the hotel. They loved my ex and I was afraid I would get a lot of flack. But they were all on my side 100%.

 

And if you leave, know that it doesn’t have to be permanent. If he gets help and proves he’s not crazy, abusive, and unsafe anymore, maybe you guys can work it out and get back together eventually.

 

Edit: And not to freak you out or anything... but I’ve read the most dangerous time for a woman who is being abused is after she leaves. So be smart and safe.

Edited December 19, 2018 by Veronica73
Addition

[Garcon1986]

Stay safe, document what you can! Remove the gun if possible since he threatened violence.

[BaileyB]

Your counsellor tomorrow should be able to help you to put a plan in place. That, or she can direct you to a women's shelter.

[mommamia99]

I talked via phone with her today and she knows his history. She believes he will sue me and retaliate and says it would probably be best to walk away sand offer a dr friend of his..to mist tgys TX ieedderxx

[Garcon1986]

Gather all the documentation you can, but whatever you do, uphold your safety and that of your children. Get evidence of all the bad things that were done to you, don't delete any texts or voicemails.

You are not yet legally married, so those rules of divorce and alimony don't usually apply (but double check your state's laws).

[snowcones]

I used to be married to a surgeon. No you shouldn't report him. This sounds like an extremely toxic relationship. Full of drama. Why don't you leave him? If you wont leave him, I hope he dumps you.

[Veronica73]

I talked via phone with her today and she knows his history. She believes he will sue me and retaliate and says it would probably be best to walk away sand offer a dr friend of his..to mist tgys TX ieedderxx

 

I don’t get what you are saying after “to walk away”.....

[JuneL]

Are you financially independent or do you have to rely on him financially? If it’s the former, then you can get away quickly.

[Veronica73]

Are you financially independent or do you have to rely on him financially? If it’s the former, then you can get away quickly.

 

^Truth.

 

And this is ONE of the reasons I hope I will never, ever be financially dependent on anyone but myself. And I wouldn’t know what to do if I was, except ask family for help. Or go to a service that helps abused women. Please be safe. He sounds crazy and unsafe.

[mommamia99]

Why don’t you think he should be reported?

 

No I’m not depending on him st all. As I said in one of my posts, I have no excuses ... only lack of courage.

 

He also says he will change...

I used to be married to a surgeon. No you shouldn't report him. This sounds like an extremely toxic relationship. Full of drama. Why don't you leave him? If you wont leave him, I hope he dumps you.

[snowcones]

Why don’t you think he should be reported?

 

No I’m not depending on him st all. As I said in one of my posts, I have no excuses ... only lack of courage.

 

He also says he will change...

 

 

Because he's not going to kill himself and he's going to tell whoever inquires that he's fine. And if you report it, he will hate you and never speak to you again for doing that to him. It's time for you to leave him and let him sort himself and his life out by himself. You don't have to be his dumping ground or what I like to call "toilet bowl" any more. Don't be a drama queen and stay with him.

[BaileyB]

Because he's not going to kill himself and he's going to tell whoever inquires that he's fine. And if you report it, he will hate you and never speak to you again for doing that to him.

 

How do you know for certain that he will not kill himself? Or, harm OP? Or, show up at work with a gun? This man is clearly unstable.

 

Also wondering, would you answer be the same if this man was your mothers surgeon, or your child's physician?

[snowcones]

How do you know for certain that he will not kill himself? Or, harm OP? Or, show up at work with a gun? This man is clearly unstable.

 

Also wondering, would you answer be the same if this man was your mothers surgeon, or your child's physician?

 

 

She needs to leave him and that's all she needs to do.

[anika99]

Why don’t you think he should be reported?

 

No I’m not depending on him st all. As I said in one of my posts, I have no excuses ... only lack of courage.

 

He also says he will change...

 

Oh he says he will change? And how exactly is he going to accomplish that? Is he just going to say "I'm a changed man" and miraculously be cured?

 

Abusers always say they will change and then take zero steps to make that happen. All they have to do is be over the top attentive and nice for a few days or weeks to sucker their partner into staying.

 

It's hard to figure out what's really happening here. In your first post he sounded truly mentally ill and on the verge of a total breakdown where everyone, meaning you, him, and his patients, were possibly in immediate danger. Later posts indicate that he may just be personality disordered abd enjoys tormenting you. Not saying that personality disorders aren't serious but it's a different kind of crazy where the person can be an absolute lunatic with one person and fully enjoy the pain they are causing that person, and then turn around and be thoroughly rational and competent with everyone else.

 

I really think you are too emeshed in the situation to think rationally yourself. He is making you doubt yourself and clouding your judgement. You need to leave. People like him don't change just because they say they are going to change.

[Mr. Lucky]

Because he's not going to kill himself and he's going to tell whoever inquires that he's fine. And if you report it, he will hate you and never speak to you again for doing that to him. It's time for you to leave him and let him sort himself and his life out by himself.

 

If he were a plumber or carpet installer, I'd agree with you. But certain occupations - pilots, bus drivers and surgeons, to name a few - have other people's lives and welfare in the hands (literally in his case) every day.

 

So a different standard applies, one which requires the moral courage to do the right thing. If I have a noisy neighbor who parties every night, I can move away and never look back. If that noise is a result of spousal or child abuse, we should feel an obligation to get involved.

 

mommamia99, there's a bigger issue here than where you'll spend the holidays. I hope you can see the big picture and keep him from harming himself or someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

If he were a plumber or carpet installer, I'd agree with you. But certain occupations - pilots, bus drivers and surgeons, to name a few - have other people's lives and welfare in the hands (literally in his case) every day.

 

So a different standard applies, one which requires the moral courage to do the right thing. If I have a noisy neighbor who parties every night, I can move away and never look back. If that noise is a result of spousal or child abuse, we should feel an obligation to get involved.

 

mommamia99, there's a bigger issue here than where you'll spend the holidays. I hope you can see the big picture and keep him from harming himself or someone else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree completely.

 

There are times in life when the easy thing to do is not necessarily the right thing. In my humble opinion, this is one of those times. When you have this kind of information and the lives of other people are at risk, I believe there is a moral obligation to act.

[d0nnivain]

Your FI is a ticking time bomb. If you don't tell his hospital that he is unstable & unfit for surgery how are you going to feel when he kills somebody out of negligence in the operating room? That person's blood will be on your hands.

 

Call your FI's lawyer back & tell him that your BF is a danger to himself & others. The lawyer is right though. Emotional abuse is not a crime nor domestic violence. It is a good reason for you to break up with the guy. the lawyer may have some idea about helping. Your therapist is another good resource. Certain professions have mandatory reporting requirements.

 

You should probably talk to him mom. She apparently has been through this before with him. She may have some insights.

 

Try reaching out to the A.M.A. https://www.ama-assn.org/ to see if they can offer guidance on how to get him real help. He's not the 1st doctor to crack.

 

Do move the gun at the very least.

 

As much as he says he's changed, he needs years of help not a few hours.

[pepperbird]

How do you know for certain that he will not kill himself? Or, harm OP? Or, show up at work with a gun? This man is clearly unstable.

 

Also wondering, would you answer be the same if this man was your mothers surgeon, or your child's physician?

 

 

 

 

My dad's father was great at hiding his mental illness. He even fooled professionals. My dad would call them in, they'd talk to his dad and be convinced all was well.

 

it wasn't.

 

Op, it sounds to me like he has put in a lot of work to keep you off center. That's what abusers do. He's all sweetness and light, then the cycle starts. It builds up till he lashes out, then he;s all apologies, he will never do it again, etc. If you say anything, he'll blame you, You made him so angry that he had no choice.

 

The weird paranoia he's expressing is also troubling. In many ways, he sounds just like the man in this doc.

 

[JuneL]

Your most urgent task now is to get away from your fiance and stay in a safe place. Can you stay with your folks temporarily before getting a place yourself? Since you’re financially independent, you should be able to do this quickly.

 

After you’re already safe, then you should contact Pamela Wible as suggested by Garcon. She has extensive knowledge and experience of physician suicide and depression, and should be able to give you sound advice. You never know if your fiance is going to go ballistic and harm you physically when he knows you’re the one reporting you. So please make sure you’re safe first.

[salparadise]

I told them he even said he was seeing things…. then about 2 hours later he was back to himself…no problems. I realized at that point that I had been played.

 

He continued saying I should call his mother… I didn’t. I figured it was an act… again.

 

He told me that he was very off during the surgery and people around him could notice. He felt “out of control”..

 

Then…he returned home and was fine…and even started talking about booking a ski trip...

 

He said that I am clearly insane. That my brain doesn’t work right and I need to learn how to do do normal communication. So I said …” oh yeah..cause I have DEMONS in my head..” He said yes.

 

He eventually went back to surgeries…and has told me he doesn’t feel right. He says he feels “out of control” still…

 

He is fine at times for over an hour..but then snaps back into being completely pissed off and talking about...

 

 

I still suspect schizophrenia. So much of OP's story aligns with observable symptoms and criteria, and nothing contradicts it.

 

Many responses here seem to assume the issue is to escape a typical abusive relationship, but I doubt that is the case because of the way he goes in and out of it, accompanied by hallucinations, and does not seem to be triggered by anything external.

 

While it is definitely important for OP to be concerned with safety, I think this man needs help, not condemnation. If this is what it is, it's biological.

 

He needs to be protected from himself, and the surgical patients need to be protected. Someone needs to step up quickly and do what's necessary.

 

NIH Schizophrenia

[mommamia99]

I don’t believe he has schizophrenia nor does my therapist by the behavior I have described.

 

I have not reported him to anyone because I agree he could have told people that I was lying etc. however he called me freaking out this morning again that police were possibly following him. He said in the call that he was very nervous and he had to go into surgery. I said well is that a good idea? He said do you think I should? And I said well you said you are unstable. He immediately changed the subject and got off the call. He just went into surgery.

 

My therapist just fears he will retaliate againsg me and her best advice was just to leave and notify his family of my concerns and that’s it. But I have him recorded now.

 

He is also alarmed that I changed plans and said my son can’t come with me this weekend. He said then he believes that I truly am up to no good and I’m preparing for him to be arrested. He believes that since I told my therist about his emotional abuse, that he may be investigated and that my therapist may have reported him.

 

 

 

I still suspect schizophrenia. So much of OP's story aligns with observable symptoms and criteria, and nothing contradicts it.

 

Many responses here seem to assume the issue is to escape a typical abusive relationship, but I doubt that is the case because of the way he goes in and out of it, accompanied by hallucinations, and does not seem to be triggered by anything external.

 

While it is definitely important for OP to be concerned with safety, I think this man needs help, not condemnation. If this is what it is, it's biological.

 

He needs to be protected from himself, and the surgical patients need to be protected. Someone needs to step up quickly and do what's necessary.

 

NIH Schizophrenia

[BaileyB]

I don’t believe he has schizophrenia nor does my therapist by the behavior I have described.

 

I have not reported him to anyone because I agree he could have told people that I was lying etc. however he called me freaking out this morning again that police were possibly following him. He said in the call that he was very nervous and he had to go into surgery. I said well is that a good idea? He said do you think I should? And I said well you said you are unstable. He immediately changed the subject and got off the call. He just went into surgery.

 

My therapist just fears he will retaliate againsg me and her best advice was just to leave and notify his family of my concerns and that’s it. But I have him recorded now.

 

He is also alarmed that I changed plans and said my son can’t come with me this weekend. He said then he believes that I truly am up to no good and I’m preparing for him to be arrested. He believes that since I told my therist about his emotional abuse, that he may be investigated and that my therapist may have reported him.

 

That's excellent. He is paranoid and delusional and... about to perform surgery on a poor unsuspecting soul.

 

I would expect more from your therapist, considering that they must be a mandated reporter.

 

IMHO, this is akin to having information that an individual has a gun and plan to go into a school, and making the decision not to go to school that day. If you believe this man has the potential to harm others, you have an obligation to act.

Edited December 22, 2018 by BaileyB