When is it enough ?!?!

[Purepony]

Hi everyone so I have a small problem and I’m wondering if anyone has had or gone through something similar.

 

At what point does companionship supersede looks?

 

I’ve dated a few girls that have an amazing heart ( my friends, family all see it too and tell me they really are good people) , I mean they’ll go the extra mile and everything’s great for a week or two then suddenly I’ll lose interest and attraction.

 

I find myself having more fun with dramatic women who are “projects” when nice girls who have excellent credit, are good with their money, have great careers making over 100k a month, want a family etc just bore me....

 

I’ll go on three dates and then get bored while the crazy ones just attract me with all their problems and drama ...

 

Bring that I’m older I’m considering that I can’t keep dating crazy constantly but I refuse to settle down with good women

 

Any input

 

Thanks in advance

Edited December 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Garcon1986]

Well that depends on you, and your preferences over time.

 

 

You can rarely find a woman who checks all your boxes, because the highest quality women are being snapped up like there is no tomorrow, just like women snap up the highest quality men.

 

 

Most men go through the honeymoon phase where their relationship goes towards the slow burning love and guess what - old people really love each other, but they generally are no longer hot and spicy in the physical department.

 

 

If you get into a relationship for the looks, you will be left with nothing. If you want a fling that's fantastic. But you have to be clear for what you are seeking out.

 

 

If you want the woman who has everything, they are available, but they've developed extremely fine tuned skills to reject men for the smallest sin. You will be fighting a long and drawn out fight, as some citizens of Loveshack have done.

 

 

If you are seeing hot girls be full of drama, that's because they are brought up that way and see it as their normal on their "internal barometer" of what a normal relationship should be like. They have committed dating offenses objectively, but they don't see it that way.

 

 

So - you must search within yourself for the answer to that question. What is more important to you? Many relationships gradually change over to companionship, and from the preponderance of the evidence, a relationship that is both physical and emotional, that gradually changes over to a loving companionship, is the healthiest kind in the long term. You've just met lots of really hot girls who thrive on drama and willfully seek it out.

[central]

It's almost impossible to change what you find attractive, but as you get (even) older, the shift may occur naturally, on it's own.

 

There are great women who are ALSO attractive. Find one of them, and perhaps you won't lose interest. They certainly exist, and if you are a good catch, they'll be interested, too. I think you'll find that if you stay with someone for years, the slow changes of aging are not a turn-off. (Besides, you'll no longer be a catch based on looks, either, most likely.) If love grows, then normal aging won't matter. Of course, if someone does not make the effort to stay healthy and attractive, sometimes even love won't be blind to that.

[Purepony]

Great answer thank you for sharing that.

 

Being in my mid 30s it seems I add more to the list of what I don’t want yet then looks come to play again and I just go with the bad choice again

 

Do preferences change over time in general?

 

Yes the good women get snapped up but even some of those have issues. I’ve seen women who treat men like doormats

 

I was starting to think I was only attracted to her rats but it seems that even after a while I get bored of that too

[BaileyB]

Hi everyone so I have a small problem and I’m wondering if anyone has had or gone through something similar.

 

At what point does companionship supersede looks?

<SNIP>

 

What I wanted in a relationship partner has most definitely changed over the years... Physical appearance, while still important, does not matter to me nearly as much as many other things... I think that evolution is called - maturity.

 

If you want to continue to date the “hoes” and refuse to settle down with a “good woman,” that is certainly your decision. Just don’t be surprised if you end up old, possibly alone, and emotionally exhausted because you have spent your life moving from one drama to another...

Edited December 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Garcon1986]

Indeed women who treat men like doormats are actually expressing their disappointment with the man being less of a alpha male/ go get em/ aggressive personality than they wished. That is a big cause of infidelity and disappointment. Both parties are at fault in such a situation.

 

 

The way to avoid that is, say that mistreatment will not be tolerated in your relationship or she will be promptly dumped. You can however, always pledge to work things out and have an adult discussion. Know that this is inherently difficult because amongst women, there is a trend towards indirect communication.

 

 

Example case: woman has bad day at work. she seeks out husband to be a sounding board. husband realizes the cause of the conflict is woman on woman catfighting/ politics type stuff at work. he provides solution, and woman responds by being progressively more angry and saying he's not listening. man sees woman be much more cold and closed up the next day, and refuse to talk about the previous day's argument. this snowballs into oh you never listen, I'm doing all the work, and you don't care anymore. that's an unfair judgment and criticism, but the man also didn't do his part to appropriately defuse the situation.

[Wallysbears]

Hi everyone so I have a small problem and I’m wondering if anyone has had or gone through something similar.

 

At what point does companionship supersede looks? <SNIP>

 

 

The main question is what are you looking for?

 

And why do YOU think that you get "bored"?

Edited December 20, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Purepony]

The main question is what are you looking for?

 

And why do YOU think that you get "bored"?

 

 

I don’t know I just lose interest. I make excuses for them like if they did this to their hair or make up even though they are nice but then some hood rat will message me that just looks good and I’ll have a great time even thought I’ll be the one paying for the date because most of the time they’re broke

 

I really feel like I’m starting to lose out here because it’s not like I’m in my 20s

[Blanco]

I can relate on some level. The last girl I had a serious relationship with wasn't necessarily drama, but between a lot of complex stuff happening and her tendency to pull away, it was easily the most challenging relationship I've ever had. And yet, she has been the hardest one to fully get over. I'll admit that all these years later, there's still something about her I find oddly intoxicating.

 

That's been troublesome, because despite her being a decent person, she and I were not a good fit and I know that. Yet I have found myself a few times in the years since noticing someone, taking an interest, and then talking myself out of it, usually on the basis that they seem too good/kind. It sounds awful, but I guess what I'm saying is that I've come to realize that on some level, I'm not exactly emotionally available to the kind of women that would most appreciate it. I seem to save that vulnerability for the people who are most prone to either disregard it or find it off-putting.

 

My point is, maybe it's something you need to look inward at and figure out if there's something in your past or about you that is subconsciously making these good women less appealing than the ones who are destined to cause you stress and heartache.

[Purepony]

Current situation

 

Girl 1. We dated about 4 years ago. Financial analyst with great head on her shoulders and always willing to do anything for me. She has came through so many times, picked up my car when I was stuck at work, loaned me cash money ( I payed the next day because atm wouldn’t give me 3500 on the spot at 2am) but I can’t get over her skin tone and I know it’s a dumb reason but I can’t I just can’t .... she’s ready to settle down has great credit, career, and good values and morals.

 

Girl 2. Single mom who’s 24 with drama and always in need. Car trouble or finances but I like the way she looks

 

Girl 3 I like her and she is awesome, smart, UCLA graduate has a PhD but we went out three times then she wanted to come to my place and I just said I had to work early because I really didn’t want her coming over since I was just not feeling her. She’s pretty, and has an amazing heart

 

Now I’m just looking to drool all three and find someone else...

 

Maybes it’s the excitement of something new ?

 

The problem is this keeps happening over and over like I’m looking for an upgrade at all times

[Wallysbears]

What I meant by what do you want is - are you looking to marry, settle down, have a family?

 

Or is that now a goal for you?

 

 

If it isn't a goal, then you can just keep dating.

 

 

If it is a goal you need to really dig deep and evaluate why you are doing this.

 

Maybe you just aren't ready to settle down?

[Garcon1986]

Girl 1+3 seem like the best ones here?

 

If you've identified you like the thrill of the chase, then that's a really important characteristic. Guess what? It's the basis of lots of extramarital affairs. You maybe should consider doing a few flings in a row to understand the downside of wanting flings all the time?

 

Sometimes the lessons we need can be heard - but not absorbed. We really need to make those mistakes in person to really know those lessons.

 

I would have accepted the invitation for girl 3 to come over to my place with just the two of us in a heartbeat. You've made a poor decision, I already want to steal that lady

[preraph]

Were your parents more like the reliable girls or kind of dysfunctional and projects themselves? It could have to do with what you're familiar with and have developed skills to adjust to.

[chillii]

l'm really hopin that was suppose to be 100k a yr not a month or l'm really gonna be depressed.

 

Anyway , know exactly where your comin from.

Ms perfect has never interested me she can often be pretty boring and uptight and not exactly a barrel of laughs, well , just for me anyway. l don't fit with them myself.

But ms lifes a bit of a mess can be the opposite and personally l find if you happen to meet the combo with a basically good person too all wrapped up in one, like my woman , then you got your self one special lady , that's also a lotta fun .

[Purepony]

Thank you everyone for the replies I will reply as soon as I get a moment I’m currently at work I have been skimming through the thread and I really do appreciate your input some of you have brought up some really really good points

 

That’s why this sites the best !!

[Purepony]

I can relate on some level. The last girl I had a serious relationship with wasn't necessarily drama, but between a lot of complex stuff happening and her tendency to pull away, it was easily the most challenging relationship I've ever had. And yet, she has been the hardest one to fully get over. I'll admit that all these years later, there's still something about her I find oddly intoxicating.

 

That's been troublesome, because despite her being a decent person, she and I were not a good fit and I know that. Yet I have found myself a few times in the years since noticing someone, taking an interest, and then talking myself out of it, usually on the basis that they seem too good/kind. It sounds awful, but I guess what I'm saying is that I've come to realize that on some level, I'm not exactly emotionally available to the kind of women that would most appreciate it. I seem to save that vulnerability for the people who are most prone to either disregard it or find it off-putting.

 

My point is, maybe it's something you need to look inward at and figure out if there's something in your past or about you that is subconsciously making these good women less appealing than the ones who are destined to cause you stress and heartache.

 

 

 

You are so right...! I talk myself out of these type of relationships and I’m not emotionally available

 

I broke up with my ex for good almost a year ago and I don’t even miss her or even think about her so I know she doesn’t influence any of this

[Yosemite]

You like what you like. If you like a high drama woman, why not date one? You think you should want a woman who has it together because society tells you that’s what you should want? Well, f--k society. If crazy girls make you happy, date them. It’s your life, you only get one, you might as well make yourself happy.

 

Maybes it’s the excitement of something new ?

 

The problem is this keeps happening over and over like I’m looking for an upgrade at all times

 

So upgrade? If you can, why not? Maybe you feel that you settled before and can do better. So, go for it. Nothing wrong with that. If you find that you can’t “upgrade,” and that the women you want are out of your league, then you should reassess.

 

Some men are perpetual bachelors and never get married, that may be your future and what makes you happy.

[preraph]

I always liked excitement and to some extent, drama. Although one I fell hard for, well, there was drama, but not the good kind, and although he was perhaps husband material, I found his friends boring and didn't envision the kind of married like he did. I envisioned me keeping up my lifestyle and knew I'd be bored around most of his close male friends. I still care about him decades later, but now he's a little controlling in harmless ways and that irritates me. He is happily married, best I can tell, a decent family man. It really irks him if you don't just go along with his plan 100% though.

 

One guy I dated was so good on paper, but man, it was just crickets a lot. It wasn't because he was dumb. He was super academic, but not creative intelligence, which seems to be what I appreciate most. He married the next woman he dated.

 

I have always felt critical of men who relate best to women who are kind of wild like they are but then when it comes time to marry, they eliminate those women in favor of someone, as they said on Sex in the City, beige. Compliant, meek, boring, blinders on. I think that's a chicken way to live and you just know they'll keep having affairs since they can and miss the ones more like themselves.

 

Is that anything like what's going on with you? You know, all wild women aren't irresponsible. Yes, some are, but I was super wild but never irresponsible in most ways, held jobs down, did what I said I was going to do, etc.

[Purepony]

I always liked excitement and to some extent, drama. Although one I fell hard for, well, there was drama, but not the good kind, and although he was perhaps husband material, I found his friends boring and didn't envision the kind of married like he did. I envisioned me keeping up my lifestyle and knew I'd be bored around most of his close male friends. I still care about him decades later, but now he's a little controlling in harmless ways and that irritates me. He is happily married, best I can tell, a decent family man. It really irks him if you don't just go along with his plan 100% though.

 

One guy I dated was so good on paper, but man, it was just crickets a lot. It wasn't because he was dumb. He was super academic, but not creative intelligence, which seems to be what I appreciate most. He married the next woman he dated.

 

I have always felt critical of men who relate best to women who are kind of wild like they are but then when it comes time to marry, they eliminate those women in favor of someone, as they said on Sex in the City, beige. Compliant, meek, boring, blinders on. I think that's a chicken way to live and you just know they'll keep having affairs since they can and miss the ones more like themselves.

 

Is that anything like what's going on with you? You know, all wild women aren't irresponsible. Yes, some are, but I was super wild but never irresponsible in most ways, held jobs down, did what I said I was going to do, etc.

 

 

 

Thank you for sharing I really liked reading your post.

 

I’m in Los Angeles and I’ve dated a lot ... when I was single for the first 6 months I dated like 25-35 girls and the ones I liked had bad credit, a car on repo status or no car, lived in a very crummy dangerous area, had no direction and one I really liked had her ex’s name tattooed between her legs ....! Yeah whoaaa

 

 

I really don’t know what it is I want anymore. This whole time I looked for certain things and then when I get them I’m bored and like you said just having affairs because I miss that.

 

I’m just concerned because I can’t keep doing that over and over and I don’t want to love like that either

[Purepony]

What I meant by what do you want is - are you looking to marry, settle down, have a family?

 

Or is that now a goal for you?

 

 

If it isn't a goal, then you can just keep dating.

 

 

If it is a goal you need to really dig deep and evaluate why you are doing this.

 

Maybe you just aren't ready to settle down?

 

 

 

I’m looking for the potential to settle down and marry someone I can trust and build something with.

 

I’ve kept dating and from January to now I think I’m on prospect number 46

And most have just fallen through the cracks, not worked out, or have became friends with benefits

 

It’s been tireing

[preraph]

Thank you for sharing I really liked reading your post.

 

I’m in Los Angeles and I’ve dated a lot ... when I was single for the first 6 months I dated like 25-35 girls and the ones I liked had bad credit, a car on repo status or no car, lived in a very crummy dangerous area, had no direction and one I really liked had her ex’s name tattooed between her legs ....! Yeah whoaaa

 

 

I really don’t know what it is I want anymore. This whole time I looked for certain things and then when I get them I’m bored and like you said just having affairs because I miss that.

 

I’m just concerned because I can’t keep doing that over and over and I don’t want to love like that either

 

Well I don't think it's completely hopeless and that you may find a happy medium. Someone who isnt completely irresponsible. Of course young people under 25 there's less chance of them being together and responsible. You have to find someone with good work ethic at least. Find someone who enjoys their job. There has to be some better not all one way or the other. Don't give up hope.

[Garcon1986]

Show us a list of your core, non-negotiable criteria.

 

Let us tell you if we think it's reasonable.

 

Then search with those criteria in mind!

[Yosemite]

I really don’t know what it is I want anymore. This whole time I looked for certain things and then when I get them I’m bored and like you said just having affairs because I miss that.

 

Sounds like you created this thread because you want some changes in your life? Maybe the first step is to resolve not to cheat anymore. Not cheating will give you more self-respect and will make you reluctant to date women that are good on paper but ultimately don’t interest you because you won’t have the thought in the back of your mind that you’ll just have an affair if you get bored.

 

Once you stop cheating you can look for a woman who has what you want. Maybe like Preraph said, you don’t have to go for women who are crazy crazy, you can go for the girls who are the type of crazy that can hold down a job, but get wild in their free time.

 

Be authentic about what you want.

 

the ones I liked had bad credit, a car on repo status or no car, lived in a very crummy dangerous area, had no direction and one I really liked had her ex’s name tattooed between her legs ....!

 

So what’s stopping you? Like I said, you like what you like. Why did you break up with the girl you really liked? Because of the tattoo? She can get it removed or changed to something else if you two get serious. Stop trying to like something that you don’t, be authentic about who you are and what you want. You like wild girls, so go for it and find someone who is just the right amount of wild.

 

What you shouldn’t do is get into relationships with women that you think you should be interested in because they have a good credit score and then cheat on them. That’s very cold-hearted and karma may just come around and bite you one day.

[Els]

If you want to "date crazy", you should "date crazy". Just accept the possible consequences of that choice.

 

 

 

The worst thing you could do would be to string a good woman along while not attracted to her and secretly hoping you could be out there "dating crazy". I mean, monogamy and LTRs aren't for everyone. The casual dating lifestyle is a legitimate choice, albeit with disadvantages of its own. Everyone would be a lot happier if people felt free to pick the lifestyle that appeals to THEM, rather than trying to pigeonhole themselves into what society says they should do, and hurting a lot of people along the way.

[elaine567]

If you want to change you need to go back in time to your FOO to find out why you are attracted to "losers", no hopers, bad girls and drama queens.

I guess there you will find out why you are in effect always choosing the instant gratification of the exciting, unhealthy self sabotaging cream donut over the boring but more nutritious and ultimately more satisfying wholemeal salad roll?

 

I read once that some people who come from very poor families and who have made it big, through luck or hard work will never be comfortable with that wealth and many will unconsciously squander it in an attempt to get back to their comfort zone, they make bad deals, make bad decisions, spend excessively, they will self sabotage to get back to being poor again.

 

Are you so uncomfortable with "mainstream" security and stability, that you self sabotage by choosing women who are transient and low quality to avoid it?

You cannot make a wife out of the unstable "low quality" women you date, "high quality" women bore you or will not tolerate your cheating, so you are perfectly protecting yourself from making any serious decisions.