How to get over the fear of rejection ?

[maybejune]

I rarely ask for help, not because I don't need (such as personal growth, solve problems), but I am always afraid that people don't care about me/ think I am too stupid to figure out the problem and I am afraid they will reject me. I don't know if anyone had a similar experience. And do you have suggestions on how to get over the fear? Is it about low self esteem?

[Garcon1986]

I can speak to the fear of rejection in the dating realm - you'll have to be more specific if you are talking about fear of rejection in the professional realm.

 

Rejection in the dating realm is tough, it's painful and you feel it on multiple levels. The only way to get better at it is to tough it up and power through the pain - and at the same time analyze what indirect messages you've been receiving that may indicate the reason for the rejection. Is it your failing to brush your hair every day? Are you able to get more physically fit? Are you always projecting poor body language?

 

Analyze the things you can change, and work on them doggedly. Then power through the pain and keep on trying. Winners in the dating world aren't that much different from losers - they are just a bit more determined than the single person who got left in the dust.

 

We are all going to fire and dust eventually - so take the opportunity by the horns.

[Mr. Lucky]

I rarely ask for help, not because I don't need (such as personal growth, solve problems), but I am always afraid that people don't care about me/ think I am too stupid to figure out the problem and I am afraid they will reject me.

 

I'll just point out that asking for help is a low risk exercise. If you're rejected, nothing's changed and you're no worse off than you were before. If help is given, you can usually improve the situation and come out ahead.

 

So, at least in asking, there's nothing but upside...

 

Mr. Lucky

[grays]

I find it really hard to ask for help and I’ve only done it when I absolutely need to. But for me it’s more about not wanting to put anybody out. A couple of weeks ago I asked a close friend, who I had recently left work for to help him with something, to go buy and bring me some pepto bismol. He said no and I was shocked, but my overwhelming feeling was that he wasn’t a very good person or a very good friend. I did not think it reflected badly on me, only on him. And then the next day I ended up in the hospital, which made me feel even more angry because, damn, I really needed help!

 

Anyway, I’m not sure what could be scary about asking for help. If it’s that you’re afraid that someone saying no means you’re a bad person, that’s just not right. We all need help sometimes.

[Giraffe-A]

It's simple actually. If you start seeing rejection as a way to improve instead of personal failure, you will begin to see rejection as stepping stones.

 

For work, if there is a position you would like within the company or outside, you don't just apply. You prepare, you research, and you interview folks in the same line of work. When you ask a peer or someone above you of the position, they may agree that you are perfect for the position. A peer that means you well will not only tell you why you are perfect for it, and they may also tell you where you need to improve. When someone straight out tells you, you are no good, ask them why so? And listen. Work on those things.

 

In relationships, it is pretty much the same thing. Either someone fancies you or not. Their answer as to why not is a chance for you to improve, (but only if it's within reason.) You can't be a blonde for someone who only digs blondes. Rejection can also be a motivator to change your personal habits like weight. If they say you are clingy, that's a hurtful thing, but it gives you the opportunity to address that for the future. Rejection is a pathway to personal growth. Use it.

[Ronni_W]

I rarely ask for help, not because I don't need (such as personal growth, solve problems),

Most often when people say 'no' to requests for their help, it's because they're taking into consideration their own obligations, limitations, personal goals and available resources (time, Energy, etc.) -

- it does not mean that they are rejecting the person who asked for help.

 

Sometimes people say 'no' because they are selfish or lacking in empathy -- again, not a rejection of the other person.

 

On the other hand, only trained professionals are properly qualified to help with personal growth, including to learn how to solve personal issues and problems.

And, even then, all of the work to achieve improvement and positive results must be done by the one needing the help.

 

Amongst my own friends, there are those who don't so much want help, as much as they want other people to do for them. For example, if there's a problem between two people,

the person expects a third party to step in to try to smooth things over, instead of that person finding the courage to have the difficult conversation(s) to resolve the conflict. In such a case,

it is actually more helpful and constructive to not cater to the request for 'help', so that the person can learn assertiveness and other personal/life skills. (If this makes sense?)

[Sarah_Smiles]

My therapist always tells me about rejection, face it. Always give the best of you, so even if you face rejection or hurt by another you know you did your best/gave your all and you can not lose that good part of self that sometimes shrivels and dies when hurt or in pain. You know how they say, revenge is the best medicine, I don't think that way, rising above, taking a high road is because sometimes that is the hardest to do in face of pain. I don't know if that is what you were asking, June, sorry if not. But, just don't get down on you... Everything can help us even if we cannot see at the moment, rejection included.

[Beachead]

I rarely ask for help, not because I don't need (such as personal growth, solve problems), but I am always afraid that people don't care about me/ think I am too stupid to figure out the problem and I am afraid they will reject me. I don't know if anyone had a similar experience. And do you have suggestions on how to get over the fear? Is it about low self esteem?

 

Hey Maybejune,

 

If someone or something means something to you, then you will naturally be afraid to lose it because you are invested in it. Assuming you are referring to rejection in a relationship, it's always a scary thing no matter how old you are and/or how much rejection you've faced in your life time. Rejection hurts.

 

Having said that, although I feel we can't eliminate the fear altogether, we can certainly reduce it by changing our perception of it.

 

For example, if you want to know if someone likes you but are afraid of rejection, ask yourself "Am I happy being just friends with this person?" If the answer is no, then you know that you can't stay in the position your in with this person in a genuine way. You want more. By staying friends, you are lying to yourself and that leads to disconnection which leads to unhappiness. For you, the only move besides walking away is to just go ahead and ask them out on a date and go for it. If it doesn't work out with that person, it'll hurt but you can atleast take solace in knowing you tried, and that you atleast know the answer now instead of not knowing. If you had just walked away, you wouldn't have known. You would have regretted it.

 

What if's are always hard to live with.

 

Also, even if you are rejected, life does go on. You can see it in the evidence of your past. I'm sure you've dealt with plenty of rough patches in your life.

At one point in time, those low points felt like the end of the world. But you lived onto get better and find a life after it. The same is true for the present and any problem that may come in the future. It is also an opportunity for personal growth. To learn about the way you deal with grief, the behaviours you have in a relationship that might be destructive such as anxiety, excessive insecurities that might stem from some personal drama that hasn't been dealt with etc.

 

So all in all, being turned down by someone is scary no matter what but your perception of it can reduce the fear and also help you deal with the rejection itself.

 

- Beach

Edited December 22, 2018 by Beachead

[losangelena]

I tend to think of rejection as the default life setting. Think about it. Most of the jobs you apply to will reject your application; most of your romantic relationships will end in rejection. You can’t expect to get anywhere in life without facing rejection along the way. But no one ever died from hearing “no.” When I started thinking of rejection as the default, and not the exception, things got easier.