20 years gone? [Updated Feb 25]

[chryssy83]

Listen to everyone here and go to counseling. Stop making excuses. It’s worth the money it will cost because this is your whole life we are talking about. And your kids’ wellbeing.

 

Here’s what’s going to happen though if you go....you won’t like it because the counselor won’t agree your wife is “the problem.” You two created this dynamic together and continue to do so. You pushing her isn’t working and seems to make it all worse but you still do it. With fake ultimatums and explaining to her that she doesn’t understand things as well as you do...she doesn’t understand she can’t spend the money she spends on cars on houses as well. She doesn’t understand that her finances will be affected by divorce. She doesn’t understand that when you basically told her that her IC was biased and potentially worthless that didn’t mean to stop going. If someone told me the stuff you say you tell her, internally I would be thinking “he thinks I’m stupid” or worse...”I am stupid.”

 

Stop asking what she wants. It’s clear she doesn’t know. And that’s okay. Start working on yourself whether it’s for her or for the next relationship. You don’t have to know now. But I’m telling you, you aren’t without your flaws, none of us are. And what you are doing now is driving her away but it’s also tearing her down so that she will really struggle on her own and that will affect your kids because she can’t parent them when she’s got so much healing to do.

[Mr. Lucky]

Listen to everyone here and go to counseling. Stop making excuses. It’s worth the money it will cost because this is your whole life we are talking about. And your kids’ wellbeing.

 

I'll just add - amen...

 

Blind-Sided, you've waited months now for this issue to resolve itself.

 

How's that working?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

Cryssy: I understand, and I don't claim to be perfect. Heck, even when I've told a couple close friends, I tell them I'm not angle, and that I've accepted many of the issues that have come up. That's also why I've apologized to my wife about "The sins of the past".

 

 

 

 

Mr Lucky, and all:

 

 

It hasn't worked out at all, but I fear it's too late. The wife found this thread, and is just using it to fuel the fire. She said it's just all lies.

 

 

Since I needed to have my surgery, I though I would try to talk with her yesterday morning, and see how we can make that happen, since we would have to be together for a couple months more, and wanted to ask about going to MC during that time... but she went on the attack about this thread and said she had no interest anymore.

 

 

Anyway... I guess this will be my last post. Thanks to everyone who tried to help.

Edited March 12, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[vla1120]

I am sorry to hear that. Maybe she will create her own profile out here to tell her side of the story. She would get honest feedback.

[Mr. Lucky]

vla1120, doubt that would happen. At this point, feels like she's more into blaming than fixing.

 

Truth be told, she's been gone from the marriage before Blind-Sided first posted. She just hasn't left the house yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chaparral]

You seem to be very stubborn and hard headed.

 

You have been given her good advice and it seems to me you have followed none of it. Communication problem?

 

You were advised to get an IC. You say you don’t need one. It’s obvious to everyone here you do. You have no idea how to communicate with your wife and all you can think of is it’s her fault. GET AN IC.

 

You whole thread from the beginning to the end has been your same post written differently the whol way through. I’m not saying you’re a bad guy. Your simply in your bed your head and what you have tried hasn’t come close to working. You should have got the MC when she hesitated. You don’t have the experience to deal with your marriage, your wife, or yourself. Get help. Humble yourself. You are not the first to go through this. You may be the most opinionated but not the first.

 

My suspicion is that you are overbearing. She overbearing people rarely see it in n themselves.

Edited March 20, 2019 by Chaparral

[notbroken]

So much of this thread has concentrated on the reasons for your wife's behavior. The truth is that it really doesn't matter. Yes, that may sound strange because if you knew the cause you could fix it. That's thinking like most men, an engineer, etc. (including how I think).

 

It took me quite a while to figure out it doesn't really matter the cause. Only where you are at today. Once a woman no longer loves you it is almost impossible to get it back. Certainly in a long term relationship like this one where there is so much resentment and 'water under the bridge'. By now she has rationalized things into convincing herself you are "controlling" (true or not) and have kept her from the wonderful life she so wanted and 'deserved'.

 

I'm sorry, but you and she can't unsee, unhear, or unfeel things. You would always wonder if she really loved you. She will always think she missed out, you were a jerk (not saying you were - she thinks you were so it is true to her no matter what), and she doesn't love you.

 

Neither of you will pull the trigger. You are at a miserable stalemate. You will both wallow in it while you damage your kids (yep - they have horrible examples of a good marriage and it is damaging them in ways you don't yet know. BTDT).

 

Man up. Seriously. YOU make the decision to divorce her. It doesn't matter who actually makes that decision. It really doesn't. You are going to 'get the blame' from her and a few others no matter what. Blame doesn't matter. Only the future matters. You will NOT be happy without love in your life and your never really going to get it from her again. You likely haven't for a very long time. Divorce her as amicably as possible as fast as possible.

 

Even if she said, "I've been wrong. You are the greatest." and then wore a fake smile every day of her life would you really still want to be married to her and subject your kids to a sterile environment?

 

Best wishes. Sorry if this has been harsh, but you are in a harsh situation and need to step up and do the right thing for both you, your wife, and your kids (staying in a bad marriage is NOT what is best for the kids). Sounds like she won't do it. You'll have to.

[Caauug]

WOW, what a thread!!!

 

 

OP, you have been through so much.... Now is the time to treat/reward yourself.

 

 

Get ready for this.... GO TO MC!!!! Drag your STBXW and go. Not for your marriage, or your STBXW but for YOU!!! Not because you need it but for what you have and are going through.

 

 

My exW and I went to only 2 sessions, I learned so much and looking back it answered so many questions that had not even entered my mind at the time.

 

 

Looking back it was the best money ever spent. It did not save the marriage but for the hours spent talking and listening it has saved 10 fold over time.

 

 

Treat yourself, you will not regret!!!

[Blind-Sided]

Hi All,

 

 

I'm getting close on making some real updates on my old thread... but I just needed to get something off my chest before my next trip.

 

 

In my original thread [https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/672280-20-years-gone-updated-feb-25-a], my wife "Blind-Sided" me with "I don't love you, I haven't in a long time, And I fear for my life around you." I had ZERO indication that she was actually unhappy, but from that point on, (before T-giving) she really had no intentions of trying to fix things... just accuse me of things, and try to destroy my reputation. Because of this, several of you were saying she was cheating on me. Back then, I said no, and I didn't have any solid proof... AND, it really just wasn't who she was.

 

 

BUT NOW.....

 

 

1) About 6 months ago she made a comment about "Just getting a new phone number" when she changes phones (She had a company phone) over just porting the number. I told her do what she wanted but she still had to give me the number since she will have MY kids at times.

 

 

2) About 5 months ago, I saw a phone poking out of her pocket with a black cover. She said that she just had one of my old covers "Just for something different." But 1 min later, I saw her other case/phone in her hand. I also realized that we had different iPhones, and my cases wouldn't' fit.

 

 

3) As things were ending, and me not knowing who may come into the house to help her... I put cameras around. (Not hidden, and I even pointed them out) But she was foolish enough to walk past them with both phones in her hand.

 

 

4) I now have confirmation from my oldest kid that she has had a second phone "For months."

 

 

5) She has moved out, and my youngest kid has had a babysitter a couple times, in the evening, when it was the STBxW week with the child.

 

 

6) My oldest kid when shopping with the STBxW, and she was getting txt's on the other phone, and when my kid asked about it... she was basically told it was a friend... and when she asked who... she was told it was none of her concern... and the STBxW was angry that she was asking.

 

 

So... because of all the lies, and stuff she has hidden from me... while we are still married, and even still living together... I think you guys may have been right and there has been a new guy helping her be angry, and putting a wedge in this family. BUT... honestly, at this point... it doesn't matter since we are basically done, the paperwork was signed and filed, and I was hopping to have the final affidavit signed this past week, before this trip. But this is just something she gets to live with for the rest of her life. (being an uncaring, cheater, and braking her vows to me and God)

Edited August 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to previous thread

[DKT3]

Unfortunately it was very obvious that your wife was cheating, sadly its extremely easy to fool those who want to believe in you.

 

It still matters, not because you want to fix things but because there is still some things that you will need to do to fully put this behind you heal and become healthy prior to starting a new relationship.

 

One of those things is confronting her. It doesn't have to be anything dramatic, just shoot her a email stating that you know she was cheating. When she attempts to deny dont argue just confirm that you know and have no interest in debating it any farther.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think you guys may have been right and there has been a new guy helping her be angry, and putting a wedge in this family.

 

Unfortunately my friend, he may have been helping her with more than that.

 

One of the oldest cliches here is that a spouse in her marital situation rarely jumps without a soft spot to land. If she's as needy as you've described her, someone indeed assisting the transition...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

Most betrayed spouses will live in denial for a time.

 

Her affair partner will show up soon after. Probably a coworker unless he's married.

 

If you're smart you'll cut her off. They all pull the friends game. Friends are honest, loyal and trustworthy.

 

Divorce means separation but she'll like most will probably want to cake and at. Have her new life but also have the family too. It's for her not you.

 

Most BS's live on hopium. Which will just keep you bound up in this and not able to move on. That will be your fault.

 

Look up parallel parenting. Or Grey Rocking.

 

Keep all communication to text/email kids only do not answer phone calls. Learn to ignore anything else.

 

Keep all holidays birthdays separate. What kid doesn't want two birthdays?

 

Pickups/drop offs limit to a 3 minute exercise with no engagement.

 

It may sound draconian but it's the best path for you and your kids will adjust.

 

I have 3 friends 2 of which have younger kids and it works great for them.

 

You can't then you will keep yourself tied up in this. Plus no other woman is going to want an X in the mix.

 

She's a cheat bud. Wake up fully and move on. No one can keep you in this but you,

[Marc878]

You made the mistake of keeping her on a pedestal before. Maybe you need to change tactics.

[Marc878]

People for the most part don't change unless forced.

 

You tend to take the non confrontational approach to life.

 

What's that gotten you?

 

If you haven't download and read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Glover. It's a free PDF download and short.

 

Or continue on. The Calvary isn't coming only you can fix you.

[schlumpy]

Keep all holidays birthdays separate. What kid doesn't want two birthdays?

 

I liked every bullet advice you suppled but this one was an especially nice touch.

[Blind-Sided]

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone.

 

 

Marc... I figured you would enjoy this thread since you were the advocate on the OM thoughts. But... this isn't a "Boo-Hoo" thread at all. She has been out of the house for a month now, and for the most part, she has dropped off, or picked up the kids. (well, kid, and that's a story for later) This is just a "Getting it out in the open" thread. I have no more emotional attachment to her. (will get into that later)

 

 

Oh... and today would have been my 18th anniversary, so a buddy is taking me out of an anti-anniversary drink and dinner tonight. LOL.

[Blind-Sided]

Most betrayed spouses will live in denial for a time.

 

........................ No one can keep you in this but you,

 

 

 

Denial? I wouldn't really call it that. I just didn't have any proof. As far as "Keeping me in this"... well... it's done actually. Custody, and equity agreements signed... finances separated... she moved out... I bought the house... and all filed with the court. In our state, just needed 90 days, and it has been. Her lawyer just needed to send over the final affidavit for me to sign, and it's official.

[6ix]

Update:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/bre...-final-chapter

Edited August 22, 2019 by 6ix