20 years gone? [Updated Feb 25]

[Blind-Sided]

Before you analyze your situation to death, just check her cell records. We have a Wayward wife posting right now that has allowed her husband to blame himself for the issues in their marriage while she has been cheating for two decades.

 

Protect yourself. Even the nice stuff doesn't mean much, my wife was nicer during her affair, she now says it was in part guilt and the other part to keep me off her trail.

 

 

 

I have made it very clear that the only thing I can not recover from (or reconcile) is a cheating wife. I had a girlfriend of 5 years in my early 20's who did that to me... and that's what ended my brother's marriage. I also told her if that's the case... then she will get nothing from me or my family. I know that scares her since she works for my family, and if there is a divorce on those grounds, she won't even have a job.

 

 

Right now... if she finally opens up to me of the real problem, and doesn't force me into making the choice of a divorce (for my mental well being) or she at least gives the opportunity of fixing things... if there really is a problem... She will at least have the time to find her own way.

 

 

 

 

Last night while talking... since she can't give me an answer on why... I basically said... "If the problems go back that far... and you didn't want to talk and fix them along the way... why would you waste 20 years of my life?" Then after a few minutes... I turned to her and said... "Better yet... why would you waste 20 years of your own life?"

[divegrl]

Hi!

 

Has anyone mentioned the 180 theory yet? Regardless of if there is someone else, please do not internalize her actions. Focus on yourself right now.

 

When someone wants to leave a relationship, they will justify their actions by rewriting the history. This is very common due to cognitive dissonance.

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

[Blind-Sided]

Hi!

 

Has anyone mentioned the 180 theory yet? ...............

 

Have a beautiful day my friend.

 

 

 

No... I haven't heard that one. (new to this, sorry)

 

 

And thanks for the input.

[standtall]

OP, women with minor children seldom leave marriages to go off on their own unless.

 

1. 3rd party involvement by either

2. Mental illness by either.

3. Substance abuse by either.

4. Verbal or physical abuse by you.

5. Marital abandonment by you...ie too much xbox, fishing, buddies...whatever.

 

I would say 90% it is #1....absent that, pick your poison. I mean we are all human, so there are no absolutes, but you would be a rare, rare case if it wasn't one of those. Start digging...I would start digging with that mom club...somebody knows something.

[guy45]

OP have you gained weight by any chance? Or look different than in the past?

 

 

Maybe you just have to get back into shape.

 

 

 

Anyways, ask her if she still wants to be with you and tell her to give you an honest answer.

 

 

At the moment it seems neither of you are happy in this marriage. If she continues to act like this, would there be any point of staying?

 

 

If things don't work out and you two divorce at least you can find another person who loves you.

[Blind-Sided]

OP, women with minor children seldom leave marriages to go off on their own unless.

 

1. 3rd party involvement by either

2. Mental illness by either.

3. Substance abuse by either.

4. Verbal or physical abuse by you.

5. Marital abandonment by you...ie too much xbox, fishing, buddies...whatever.

 

I would say 90% it is #1....absent that, pick your poison. I mean we are all human, so there are no absolutes, but you would be a rare, rare case if it wasn't one of those. Start digging...I would start digging with that mom club...somebody knows something.

 

 

1. Nope, and I really dont' think she is either.

2. Yes. Her. Use to get counseling, and is on an anti-depressant. I think it's been too many years, and it's levels are the new "Normal" for her. I asked her to go see a professional, but it's coming back on me as I'm trying to control her.

3. both clean, and no real alcohol use. (just her anti-depressant)

4. OK... I yell... but who doesn't? BUT.... No name calling ever. No spiteful stuff. Nothing that would be demoralizing. NEVER EVER put a finger on her in anger.

5. Not really. But one person's "Normal" is the next over doing it. But I don't think that's been an issue that came up.

 

OP have you gained weight by any chance? Or look different than in the past?

 

 

Maybe you just have to get back into shape.

 

 

 

Anyways, ask her if she still wants to be with you and tell her to give you an honest answer.

 

 

At the moment it seems neither of you are happy in this marriage. If she continues to act like this, would there be any point of staying?

 

 

 

If things don't work out and you two divorce at least you can find another person who loves you.

 

 

Sure... it's been 20 years. We've both put on a little weight... but I'm not "Over weight" either. I've gone gray and lost most of my hair... but she knew it was going long ago.

 

 

That the real question... she won't answer a straight question like... "Do you still want to be with me." AND... that's what's killing me... the "I don't know".

[guy45]

That the real question... she won't answer a straight question like... "Do you still want to be with me."

 

 

Does she really need to answer that question? If she wanted to say yes don't you think she would have?

[FMW]

Just to balance out some of the posts saying there absolutely has to be another man (otherwise she wouldn't want to leave) -

 

I was married for 23 years. Yes, I did end up getting involved with someone else a few months before actually telling my xH I wanted a divorce, but that new involvement was NOT the reason I wanted the divorce. I knew my marriage was over long before I was ready to admit it. The involvement with the other man was simply a symptom of that. I certainly didn't need him or anyone else to run to.

 

But beyond that rebuttal, I'm not sure my situation really has anything to do with yours. Another man is not a certainty, just a possibility. It's not clear to me if your marriage is beyond repair. She doesn't seem to be fully convinced herself.

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Ending long marriages is definitely a life changing event. I hope you are able to resolve your issues.

[DKT3]

Just to balance out some of the posts saying there absolutely has to be another man (otherwise she wouldn't want to leave) -

 

I was married for 23 years. Yes, I did end up getting involved with someone else a few months before actually telling my xH I wanted a divorce, but that new involvement was NOT the reason I wanted the divorce. I knew my marriage was over long before I was ready to admit it. The involvement with the other man was simply a symptom of that. I certainly didn't need him or anyone else to run to.

 

But beyond that rebuttal, I'm not sure my situation really has anything to do with yours. Another man is not a certainty, just a possibility. It's not clear to me if your marriage is beyond repair. She doesn't seem to be fully convinced herself.

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Ending long marriages is definitely a life changing event. I hope you are able to resolve your issues.

But really there is no way of knowing that for sure...bottom line you didn't leave until you met another man....that is what we are trying to tell him and your attempt to balance things only worked to prove our point.

[DKT3]

Does she really need to answer that question? If she wanted to say yes don't you think she would have?

 

She doesn't have a solid out, if she did she would be answering, you are her insurance policy, so she cant say no, not yet.

[bigman1]

Maybe it is menopause, maybe it is something else. The thing is that IT IS. Her statements and behavior say that she is done. Will she regret it? Does she have some dude or lady in the wings? It does not really matter. She is done. Stop looking for affirmation.

 

Stop trying to analyze this. If you believe her, and you have lived with her for 20 years so you must, then believe her now. The quickest way to resolve this is to move aggressively in the direction of ending this.

 

You want to know answers that validate YOU. "Do you want to be with me?" "Do you love me", etc. In the end, a marriage involves two willing participants and not one willing and affirmed participant (you) and one unwilling and unhappy participant (her). A divorce may mean that you are unhappy, but a marriage REQUIRES that BOTH be willing and happy.

 

Move to divorce. It does not have to be acrimonious. There does not have to be a reason that you agree with. In fact, perhaps once she realizes that being rid of you or at least the reality of that coming into focus is not the issue, then she may get to the root of the issue, if there be one. On the other had, she is just done being married to you. She does not need a reason. I know that hurts and it is easy for me to say, but it is true. Sorry. Really.

 

I am sorry for you, but it sounds like you need to adjust to this reality. End it collaboratively. Move in that direction. Let's take the fantasy out of this and then both of you can see clearly. She might change or, you might change. Who knows. It is scary, painful, disruptive, confusing, daunting, etc. But...it's gotta happen.

[Blind-Sided]

Thanks for all the input so far.

 

 

Well... I couldn't take the "Maybe" stage anymore. She has already said that I was pushing her to answer my questions... but honestly, if she wants to dig up stuff going back at least 15 years ago... then she's had time. (in my eyes) So I told her Xmas is for family, and if she no longer wanted to be part of my family, she did not need to attend the festivities at my folks house. That actuly made her mad, and it boiled over. So then I pushed it to a black and while question. "Do you want to work I out or do you want a divorce?" She tip-toed around it, and I kept saying... "That's not answering the question". Eventually, she said... "I don't want to be married to YOU."

 

 

So... there it is.

 

 

I'm actually in tears, and my youngest kid was sitting here with me. I told her that mommy doesn't love daddy anymore. At first she was laughing... but then realized I was crying. Needless to say that made the wife mad, and she said "It shouldn't have been that way". (referring to the kids)

 

 

 

 

I'm sad, but I guess it will force to move forward. How's that for an Xmas gift.

 

 

I'll still watch this for a while if anyone else has any up lifting things to say.

 

 

 

 

Crap... when it rains it pours. I just got a txt. My folks were in an accident.

[guy45]

OP I hope everything is okay with your folks.

 

 

Relating to your marriage, its perfectly normal to be upset. I'm so proud of you for having the courage to have the right conversation with her.

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure you probably weren't happy in this marriage anyway.

 

Also, having a marriage for 20 years is a huge success.

 

 

Change is always hard but its almost always for the best, you will be much happier.

[Blind-Sided]

OP I hope everything is okay with your folks.

 

 

Relating to your marriage, its perfectly normal to be upset. I'm so proud of you for having the courage to have the right conversation with her.

 

 

 

I'm pretty sure you probably weren't happy in this marriage anyway.

 

Also, having a marriage for 20 years is a huge success.

 

 

Change is always hard but its almost always for the best, you will be much happier.

 

 

My folks are ok. Their SUV is a total... and they have some bumps and bruises... but nothing major. (thank God)

 

 

Actually... I was very happy, and that's why my name is Blind-Sided. I really didn't see this coming. If at the end of summer you would have asked me If I thought I would hit my 50th anniversary... I would have said, Absolutely. It issue is... every hurt she got built, and then she hit me with it when she was finally done. It's very unfair that she gave me no warning, and no way to resolve this. The kids are totally heart broken. No way for them to spend Xmas.

[DKT3]

My folks are ok. Their SUV is a total... and they have some bumps and bruises... but nothing major. (thank God)

 

 

Actually... I was very happy, and that's why my name is Blind-Sided. I really didn't see this coming. If at the end of summer you would have asked me If I thought I would hit my 50th anniversary... I would have said, Absolutely. It issue is... every hurt she got built, and then she hit me with it when she was finally done. It's very unfair that she gave me no warning, and no way to resolve this. The kids are totally heart broken. No way for them to spend Xmas.

 

Ever seen the movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall.....I'm guessing the overall lack of communication in the marriage makes it tough for you to be truly happy, just make take you a while to figure it out. I dont know how often I've heard I thought I was happy until I truly was then I realized I never was.

 

That all being said, make sure you take care of yourself, may sound stupid but remember to eat.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm actually in tears, and my youngest kid was sitting here with me. I told her that mommy doesn't love daddy anymore. At first she was laughing... but then realized I was crying. Needless to say that made the wife mad, and she said "It shouldn't have been that way". (referring to the kids)

 

Blind-Sided, I know you're in pain, but this isn't the way to handle it.

 

Kids simply don't understand adult emotions and the consequences involved and we have an parental obligation to protect them from the types of interactions you're describing. "mommy doesn't love daddy anymore" means something very different to a 7-year old and this isn't the way you want to disclose a divorce to young children.

 

Not matter what happens, your wife will still be the mother of your children. Everyone benefits if you help nurture that bond going forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jamess1]

I am glad your parents are alright.

 

You weren't 'Blind-sided' you just didn't understand female nature. You can understand what happened with your wife, the reason, root and motive behind her behavior,why she married you, and why she is leaving you now, why been a 'good husband' wasn't enough or even wrong. The fact that you where saying 'she didn't give me the chance to fix it' is proof that you don't understand what just happened.

 

Buy this book for a start, it will be a great help for you.

[MilitaryMan]

If people are unhappy, they need to communicate problems IMMEDIATLEY instead of holding on to things formyears. People need to just be honest without all the BS excuses. If your not happy, let that be know and if there is no hope, let that be known too!!! Hate when people string things along

[notbroken]

I believe VERY strongly you've done the right thing from the sound of it. I stayed way too long in just the situation you are describing. There are MUCH brighter days ahead. You should never stay with anyone that doesn't value and want you. My guess is you have lived without love for a long time and just didn't know. Your wife knew but didn't have the decency to tell you. Life is short. Way too short to spend it with someone that doesn't love you. While painful, you will find a way to move on and eventually one day will wonder why you feel different. It will be the happiness you haven't had in a long time. You've been missing something even if you didn't know it. It was the love of a good woman. In time, you'll find it again. There are LOTS of women who will value and love you. Don't let your wife's failures to know your value make you think she is correct. She's not.

 

Go slow. Very slow. Divorce as quickly as possible, be fair (50/50 - don't be a doormat and give up too much, but don't be greedy either). Then spend time on yourself and your kids. Get some new hobbies and/or rededicate yourself to ones you already have. Get in the gym. Then slowly but surely start dating. You will find out you are worth way more than your wife thought. Best wishes. There are some hard days ahead but also some great ones. Definitely better days ahead. Glad you are out of limbo. It is the worst possible place.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Blind-Sided, so it is now the New Year and I guess you have just been through a very painful holiday season. What has been the follow up to your last post? What has been your parents reaction to your wife's ultimatum to you? Also what are you planning to do in the immediate future to move to a reasonable settlement of your issue? Answer only if you feel like it. Best wishes.

[Blind-Sided]

HI All,

I thought I would start a new thread since my last one sat a little dormant, and this is almost a new subject.

 

 

Well, at the end of my last thread, I thought it was all over an done with. This couldn't be farther from the truth. After her... "I don't want to be married to you" comment, she came to me and said I pushed her into that answer. Since I REALLY didn't want things to be over... I said, "OK" and lets just take a step back. I also told her again that I couldn't live in a loveless marriage. I also said that she would have to put on a happy face, and really want to make an effort of fixing the problems.

 

In that time ( a couple weeks now) we will have a few good days, and then a bad day. The good days feel like "Normal"... but the bad days are ugly. It will generally start with her acting mad for no reason, and then being very distant. That makes me feel neglected, and puts me into the "Why me" or the "Why am I trying" stage. That winds up in the heated debates. Oh... and mind you... she will not say "I love you" back to me. (This absolutely kills me, and is really to core of the problem. No Love = No Marriage)

 

A few nights ago... we were having a heart to heart, but was going the wrong way. As the tension built... I eventually said... "We are just re-hashing the same things we have talked about, and I will not live without love." (Not talking about sex, just simple gestures at this point) But as I was walking out of the kitchen... she started down the path of... " you didn't even want the kids". This was loud, and our 7 year old was sitting in the living room. At that point, I pop'ed, and told her to get out. Her response was why should I ? At that point I turned around and said... "You just took this to a new level, and nothing should make these kids feel bad". So... she asked if she should pack a bag... and I said... "I don't want you to go, but you need to cool off, and get your head on straight... so you decide how long you need to leave."

 

Half a day later, I find out she went to my folks house to talk with my dad. He knew of the problem, but my wife also knew I was keeping it from my mom because I didn't want her to worry about me. Needless to say, her showing up at my folks brought my mom into it. (upset about that)

 

From the meeting with my dad... she agreed to go to counseling, and she has gotten back onto some meds. But the back and forth of good days and bad are still happening. OK... at this point... yes, it's only been one session, and only about 4 or 5 days of her new meds... but I really can't take it anymore. I love he dearly, and don't want things to end... but I'm literally going to have a stroke or heart attack because of the stress levels.

 

This is where the new question is............I'm on a biz trip at the moment, and won't be home for a few days. before I left, she ironed my shirts, and helped me get ready as she always does. (that was very nice to have) But, still can't simply say... "I love you too" or any other affectionate response. Before I left, I told her that she will have most of a week to really think about things, and I won't take "I don't know what I want" as an excuse anymore. (she has said she needed time and some space alone) I'm just afraid that when I get home, it's going to be the same thing.

 

FYI... I told her to go to the courthouse and file the papers the other day, but she didn't. So... how long should I have to put up with this? It really hurts, and I'm worried that she will force me into making the decision that she can't when I get home. I know she may need time for more counseling, and the meds to balance... but without any love in return... I don't know why I should give her the time she is asking for. I even told her just to say it for now... it may be good for her soul. But she won't.

 

Oh.... one last thing. She did say it a few days ago, but then I learned that I was on speaker, and our 12 year old was listening. So... it was just a lie in front of our kid.

 

HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!

Edited January 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to previous thread, edit for topical content, fix spacing

[elaine567]

If these are antidepressant meds they take more than 2 weeks and up to 4 weeks to show any benefit. at all

Some people also need to be on different meds before they find one that works, and counselling can take a long long time.

So expecting one session and 4-5 days of meds to be a miracle cure is unrealistic.

[Blind-Sided]

If these are antidepressant meds they take more than 2 weeks and up to 4 weeks to show any benefit. at all

Some people also need to be on different meds before they find one that works, and counselling can take a long long time.

So expecting one session and 4-5 days of meds to be a miracle cure is unrealistic.

 

 

 

Yes... I understand... but I'm just so lost and hurt that I don't know if I can hold it together any longer. Being in my hotel room sux right now. My thoughts when alone aren't putting me in a happy place... I just think about not cooking breakfast for my kids, and enjoying what I have accomplished over the years.

 

 

I guess more than anything... I'm just looking to get a few things off my chest.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess more than anything... I'm just looking to get a few things off my chest.

 

You're your own worst enemy right now. Your expectations are unrealistic, you're reacting emotionally and pushing her when she's not ready. The whole "say I love you" thing is unproductive when you're just trying to establish ground rules.

 

Is there a reason you're not going to counseling together? Yelling hurtful things at each other isn't communication and it seems you both need a reset in order to truly listen to the other person. I know you're frustrated but this isn't the right way to go about it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GinON]

Hey, I didnt read your first thread, but I thought I would contribute.

 

Ease up on her. I know its frustrating but you gotta give her a chance to miss you and come to love you on her terms if its even possible. You can't logic and twist a woman to love you because its what you want. You have to be irresistible and interesting and funny and mysterious. Otherwise you are asking her to be in love with a set of instructions that has a penis. It wont work. Stop telling her you love her because you are only doing it to see if she will say it back. You probably once had a woman that was coming after you and excited about you. She can't get there with you making demands.

 

Focus on what you are doing in your life and leave her be whatever way she wants. Every ounce of pressure you put on her will be pressure that is pushing her away. If she feels no pressure, it gives her a chance to think and miss you.

 

You are stressing yourself out because you are trying to control another persons emotions and you are going to face infinite unmet expectations and stress is the only thing you are going to receive for your efforts.

 

She already knows what you want, you dont have to tell her anything, your job is to become an awesome person and by doing so you will make yourself happy. You are the only person that can, she can't, even if she loves you and does everything you ask. Once you make yourself into the awesome person you are, she might find you attractive again but you wont really care if she doesn't because you are so happy with yourself.

 

 

You might try getting some therapy for yourself. Has anyone suggested listening to Corey Wayne videos and reading his book? Podcasts are also available. The goodguys2greatmen web site has a bunch of good stuff that you would like as well.

Edited January 8, 2019 by GinON