20 years gone? [Updated Feb 25]

[Blind-Sided]

Hi all,

 

 

I'm packing to head home from my trip this morning. If there's any advice you can give before I get home... I would love to hear it. I know I'm my own worst enemy because of my own thoughts... I would love to know what to do about that.

 

 

Is there any way to rebuild the trust? I just feel that the last 20 years have been a lie because of the way she has handled all of this. To me, this is a HUGE point. Even if I get home and she says clearly... "I want it all to work"... How can I believe her, since she already said if she could do it on her own, she would? (would this just be her keeping her true feelings in again to keep the life she has made)

 

 

If nothing else... I'll give you an update later tonight.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for listening to me. I've gotten more self peace chatting here than chatting with the one local friend I felt I could open up to.

[BaileyB]

I'm packing to head home from my trip this morning. If there's any advice you can give before I get home... I would love to hear it. I know I'm my own worst enemy because of my own thoughts... I would love to know what to do about that.

 

My advice is, as soon as you get home... Find a good individual counsellor for yourself, and if you hope to save your marriage make an appointment to see a marriage counsellor.

 

And, set the absolute ground rule with your wife that there will be absolutely no arguing or hurtful comments made in front of your children. That simply can not happen again.

 

Good luck!

[Blind-Sided]

Well..........I'm sitting here at 5am typing. I got home yesterday, and was hopping for any sign that things would be different... but nope. She was acting distant, and the same as when I left. But, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I waited until the kids went to bed. After about an hour.... I got up and started to head to bed... but I stopped to ask... "did you come to any conclusions while I was gone?" I was met with the same crap. "You are tying to push me into an answer"

 

What it comes down to is....

1) She says she doesn't love me anymore.

2) She knows she can't continue life as she has become accustom to without me part of it.

3) Doesn't want to disturb the kids life.

 

She actually had the balls to say "People stay together for a long time until things get worked out." (WTF) My response was "There is still a glimmer of hope, and there is still some love". Heck, she still hasn't even said that she want's to work on things. She basically just wants me to be OK that she doesn't love me, and wont' show me any affection, but still wants use to live together like room mates. I've had one hour sleep, but I couldn't just lay back in the room anymore. Right now my ring has come off my finger, and I'm going to ask for her's back.

 

What a figgen waste of time. I don't just mean the last 2 months... I mean the last 20 years.

Edited February 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Blind-Sided]

My advice is, as soon as you get home... Find a good individual counsellor for yourself, and if you hope to save your marriage make an appointment to see a marriage counsellor.

 

And, set the absolute ground rule with your wife that there will be absolutely no arguing or hurtful comments made in front of your children. That simply can not happen again.

 

Good luck!

 

 

I would love for this to work out... but she really doesn't at this point. She actually said "We can go to a marriage councilor together." My response back was "Do you want to give it an honest try, or is this just going to be another ploy to extend the inevitable?" I can't force her to love me. I know that sounded one sided... but for the past 2 months I've done nothing other than to try to figure out the core of the problem, and I've offered so many possible solutions. She simply will not agree to anything because of the lack of love. I would go to the councilor with her if I though there was really any chance of it changing things. But without at least a small amount of love... how can I even get through a couple days?

 

 

Before I tried to go to sleep last night... I told her once again that it was 100% her choice on what happens to this family. (despite my best efforts to save things) heck... she couldn't even say "Good Night" to me. She's just mad to her core, and I've become the target of all that is bad over the past 20 years.

 

 

 

 

I think on some level it would have been easier to find out she was cheating on me. At least I would know why I was upset. This relation ship literally went from "I love you" one day to "The love is gone" the next.

[BaileyB]

Perhaps I’ve missed this, but is it possible that she has another man on the side? That’s often the case in situations like this...

 

Regardless, you wife has been very clear with you what she wants. Either you accept her terms, or make other arrangements to divorce. I’m sorry.

[elaine567]

She actually said "We can go to a marriage councilor together."

 

 

If you want this to work out then you need to go to MC together.

 

 

I think it would be a good idea if you arranged IC for yourself too.

[Blind-Sided]

Perhaps I’ve missed this, but is it possible that she has another man on the side? That’s often the case in situations like this...

 

 

We've touched on that here... but I really can't find any evidence of that.

 

Regardless, you wife has been very clear with you what she wants. Either you accept her terms, or make other arrangements to divorce. I’m sorry.

 

 

Yes and no. YES... she's clear that the love is gone... but NO... she won't say what she wants. The MC was just after I got back from this trip.

 

If you want this to work out then you need to go to MC together.

 

 

I think it would be a good idea if you arranged IC for yourself too.

 

 

I understand, and you've been a nice clear voice in this. (thank you) but I really don't think this is an honest gesture from her. Just buying time. Let's be honest here... for a MC to have a chance to work, both sides need to have to want it to work. Right? Last night I asked her if she is really looking for this to have a positive resolution. Guess what???? She couldn't answer me. (no surprise there) If come back to my other thread... All I'm looking for is an answer to the question.... "Is there hope, or is there no hope?" I'm not looking for a time line, or a promise.... just a direction. She dropped all of this on me 2 months ago, and offered no resolution, and "Needs more time to figure it out"... but she is bring up stuff that+17 years old.

 

 

As far as the IC for me... Don't really need it. I will recover if she just makes a choice. Right now, she is being cruel to me.

[BaileyB]

YES... she's clear that the love is gone... but NO... she won't say what she wants.

 

As far as the IC for me... Don't really need it. I will recover if she just makes a choice. Right now, she is being cruel to me.

 

She has been clear to you. She does not love you, she will not be affectionate toward you - she is barely being civil toward you. For all intent and purpose, your marriage is over. She is staying only for the lifetyle that your provide and “for the children” - which is a convenient excuse that makes it somehow acceptable for her to use you to maintain her current lifestyle.

 

That’s clear as day - I’m just not sure you are ready to accept it.

 

I think IC would be a GREAT idea for you. Unless something changes with the meds, MC would be a total waste of money, considering that she has been quite clear that she has no intention of changing anything or re-investing in the marriage.

Edited January 12, 2019 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

MC would be a total waste of money, considering that she has been quite clear that she has no intention of changing anything or re-investing in the marriage.

 

She is angry and she is lashing out over years of resentment, but she has suggested going to MC and I think the OP will regret it if he doesn't at least try.

They need to hash things out in a neutral space.

[Blind-Sided]

Unfortunately for me... I think you are both right. Yes, she is clear about the loss of love, but wanting to maintain this lifestyle. Yes... I will regret if I don't try. At this point, what's a few hundred $$$ ? As I've said, I'm no angel, but she is VERY smart, and if she hears that she is being unreasonable from someone else... she may actually reconsider her stance.

 

Right now, she is trying to get some work done, and I'm looking after the kids. I'll ask her if she has a name or recommendation, and I'll see if she can book a visit to a MC. Just for my knowledge.... if things go perfectly... how many visits should I expect? Obviously, if it's not going right... then we part ways. (can't believe I'm in this situation)

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[Mr. Lucky]

Just for my knowledge.... if things go perfectly... how many visits should I expect?

 

Somewhere between 1 and 100.

 

I'm kidding obviously, but your approach is flawed. There's no "cured", there's only "progress" or "no progress". Blind-Sided, it took you 20 years to get to this point, you won't get an answer in 20 days. If memory serves me correctly (was a long time ago), my ex and I went a dozen times or so before we decided to divorce.

 

If getting your marriage back on track is important to you, be prepared to be patient and persistent. No easy fixes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blind-Sided]

Sure... I realize that it's not like going to the Dr for a checkup. But I didn't know if there was a target. Basically, I don't want to get someone who just wants to pad their checking account. (if you know what I mean) But I guess realistically... a few visits just to see if she will head the right direction. But thanks for the input of "A dozen times" to make the choice.

 

FYI... it was a very lucid and peaceful day. She got up this morning and apologized for the way she was last night. But, since I only had an hour sleep, I wasn't very receptive. (early) but later I accepted her apology. Maybe her new meds are kicking in, and she is becoming more aware. (can only hope)

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[chryssy83]

You know I think you’re pushing her too hard honestly. If you want to be with her start going to counseling and doing what you can to build intimacy and affection. Stop just demanding that she promise to be as committed as you want her to be. Take what she’s willing to give and try to grow it into what you want. But you can’t just command her to love you, enough of those demands and she will just leave altogether, lifestyle be damned.

[Marc878]

It seems from your posts you are giving her 100% control over whether to stay with you or not. IMO that's a very weak stance to take. This is your life too isn't it?

 

Maybe you should make a decision.

[vla1120]

I think she is giving you clues that you are not picking up on. Take the meal planning, for example. You said it saved your family money. She said she no longer wanted to do it and said it felt like you were controlling her. If you were NOT trying to control her "chores", then you could have said. "Okay, I'll take over the meal planning for awhile. It's my turn."

 

I'm hearing you say that she needs therapy. You do not need therapy because you are generally happy. Hmmm. My husband used to say the same thing. I was the one with problems that needed resolving because I had depression and anxiety. If I just fixed myself, we would be fine because there was nothing wrong with him. Therapy does not always mean you have a mental health issue. Think of it more as a mediator. If YOU go to MARRIAGE COUNSELING with your wife, it is showing her that you believe the marriage is important enough for you to work on. Otherwise, what she is seeing from you is "The problems are all yours. I'm perfect the way I am." No one is perfect.

 

Finally, if you really DO love her, then give her the time and space she is asking for, and provide the support that she needs from you right now, instead of pressuring her to say "I love you" when she is not feeling it right now. Those three words are very easy to say, and she could just blurt them out to appease you. Instead, she's being honest about where she is in this marriage. She is doing what she should be doing to try to save is marriage. Your part is to give her medication and therapy time to kick in, and participate in that therapy, both couples and maybe even individual.

[Blind-Sided]

Just an update because I feel like I need to talk to someone. As others have said... there's no miracle cure, and there needs to be time to get things to work. Not to mention... it seems like her new meds need upward of 6 weeks to take full effect. Also... she is now seeing a councilor. I told her I would be willing to go to a MC, but I also said to her that nothing that she has asked of me is impossible or even hard to do. But then she starts to get upset and gives me the "Do you know how many years I put up with all of this?" Then my response is "Yes, and I'm sorry... but the past is in the past, and we need to move forward."

 

So... back to the main issue. She can't give me an answer to the simple question... "Do you want to try to fix things?" (Do you want it to work) Because of that, we still float in this limbo stage, and even that causes an emotional flair-up, and while it can end OK... it's still another "Hurt" that she will put away for later. (If you know what I mean)

 

For a recap, we had a very good week. The house environment was happy, and things felt like "Normal." But on Friday night... we were starting to fool around a little in the bedroom, and then all the sudden I hear an angry voice. I won't go into details, but before this even began to head to the intimate direction, I asked if she was ok with it. (Giving her that control) I stopped, and left the bedroom in tears. When she came out, I told her that all she has in hate in her heart, and really don't want to heal. AND, I told her she could have simply said that she wasn't ready... BEFORE we started to do anything. Needless to say... Saturday sucked

 

 

SO... now on to Sunday. The night before, the kids asked if they could have blueberry muffins for breakfast, and the wife said "Yes". With that said... I'm a morning person, and the wife likes to sleep a little on the weekends. Also, one of the things she has been mad about, and asked me to do, is to be more helpful with the household chores. So, I got up, got my coffee, and made up the batch of muffins. (boxed stuff) My kids got up and enjoyed them. Well... I hear an alarm go off (8am) and the wife comes out, and was crazy mad that I made the muffins. !?!?!?!?!? I don't know exactly why, but I guess in her head she thought that I was trying to "One up" her in front of the kids. She said that it was something special, and they really wanted her to make them.

 

OK... in all the years we have been married, she has never once set an alarm to get up to make a special breakfast for the kids. (and Iold her that) I also said... I didn't do it to spite you... I did it to be helpful, as you have asked me to do. And finally, I told her, if it was really something special, then all she had to do was to tell me that was her plan. Of coarse, this turned into an hour long debate, with her crying, and me in the wrong. So... once more hurt I guess. And another "Dammed if I do, Dammed if I don't".

 

Got to go... she has sat down close to me. UGHHHHHHHH !!!!!!

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[Blind-Sided]

Responses to the above...

S2b: You are right... Just doesn't seem like it. As before, I've checked into things, and have no proof.

 

Chryssy: I may be pushing, but as I've said... this relationship is in a self destructing mode right now because she can't even answer the simple question of "Do you want it to work out?" Also, since she has been bring stuff up from the beginning, and saying this is a long time coming... she has had a long time to think about it. I'm not looking for instant love again... I'm simply looking for a choice. MC will only work if both sides want it to work. Right now, I feel it's one sided.

 

Marc: Yes... I feel you are right. But I don't want it to be over, and neither do the kids.

 

VLA: I think you need to reread that post. She said it was controlling, but when I said to stop... she said that she actually liked it, and it was helpful !! But I'm still being blamed for it. Also, the original reason for it was, money was tight after sending in taxes at the end of the year. She could have stopped after we were stable again.

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[Blind-Sided]

Why are you putting up with her crappy behavior?

Because I love her, and our family.

She is cruel and mean. Make it stop.

Unfortunately... you are right. I've even told her that. All the years of crap that she is saying that she has put up with from me were unintentional, since I didn't know. (I've told her that if she didn't like something in the past all she had to do is tell me) Everything that I've endured in the last 2 months was intentional from her, and is cruel.

 

To all... I'm trying my best to hold things together, but it's rough. ad to Marc, I agree that I need to be strong, but sometimes backing down is the right thing too. With that said... I've told her that the longer she drags me through this... the harder I will be to deal with if she wants it to end.

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[elaine567]

As others have said... there's no miracle cure, and there needs to be time to get things to work. Not to mention... it seems like her new meds need upward of 6 weeks to take full effect. Also... she is now seeing a councilor. I told her I would be willing to go to a MC, but I also said to her that nothing that she has asked of me is impossible or even hard to do. But then she starts to get upset and gives me the "Do you know how many years I put up with all of this?" Then my response is "Yes, and I'm sorry... but the past is in the past, and we need to move forward."

Wrong things to say.

You are minimising things and want to sweep it al under the carpet as if it never happened. Meanwhile she needs to get it all out there and have you truly understand her point of view.

This is years in the making - she is correct.

You can't solve this with trite and "easy" solutions, sex and taking over in the kitchen and making her feel worthless and unneeded in front of your children...

[elaine567]

<snip>I asked if she was ok with it. (Giving her that control) I stopped, and left the bedroom in tears. When she came out, I told her that all she has in hate in her heart, and really don't want to heal. AND, I told her she could have simply said that she wasn't ready... BEFORE we started to do anything. Needless to say... Saturday sucked.

Did you or she leave the bedroom in tears?

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[Blind-Sided]

<snip>

You can't solve this with trite and "easy" solutions, sex and taking over in the kitchen and making her feel worthless and unneeded in front of your children...

As always, I appreciate the input from the other side. (sorry, assume you are a woman from the screen name) But, I'm not trying to minimize anything. I've asked her to sit down with me and go through individual things so we can address them. She told me that it would be too painful to do that, so I have no choice other than to make it a blanket apology.

Did you or she leave the bedroom in tears?

It was me. I wasn't mad because it didn't happen. I was heart broken because I thought... "Maybe she is ready to forgive and move forward." But when there was a change in the situation, during... that was just a twist of the knife... if you know what I mean.

Explain to me why you actually love someone who treats you and the family unit with such disrespect and disregard? LOVE never looks like that!

I don't disagree here. I love her because over 20 years she has been nothing other than the perfect wife. She puts herself second to me and the kids... she took care of the house, and she was generally great to be around. This all came down, and was completely unexpected. (That's why the name is blind sided)

Are you so used to being treated terribly that you beg for more abuse?

Do you realize how unhealthy the marriage is?

Were you abused as a child?

Nope... I've never been abused in any way. My folks are super supportive of me and everyone around me. As a kid... my house was the one everyone came to. Heck... my folks treat my wife more like family than her own mother does. TO be honest... my wife was the one who was kind of abused as a kid. He mother was SUPPER controlling, and still is to a point. (but she feels obligated to take care of her mother) But this is why my wife needs the counseling, and the meds. Her mother really F'ed her up.

 

At this point... even though it's killing me... I feel she has earned a little time to get her head on straight. And making posts helps me get through this.

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[chryssy83]

It sounds to me like she has a lot of built up hurt. Go to the marriage counseling. Stop making her commit to being in the relationship to a certain level etc before you will go to counseling. Let someone else be in charge of the conversation and make yourself really listen when she speaks. Put yourself in her place and try to see where she is coming from.

[chryssy83]

Also I’m not saying her behavior is great but you’re the one who wants to save the relationship right now so you’re going to have to stop thinking you’re doing the work of fixing it just by identifying what’s wrong with her.

[Blind-Sided]

It sounds to me like she has a lot of built up hurt. Go to the marriage counseling. Stop making her commit to being in the relationship to a certain level etc before you will go to counseling. Let someone else be in charge of the conversation and make yourself really listen when she speaks.

I've told her to set something up. (letting her pick the person) She goes back and forth with the $$$ involved. I've never once said I wouldn't go. To be exact... it came up on Saturday, and I said I would go, and be positive to all of it.

Put yourself in her place and try to see where she is coming from.

That point has come up. (a few weeks ago) She has asked me to put myself in her shoes. My response was... "I really can't since I don't hold onto things, and I say exactly what's on my mind. I couldn't hold in 20 years worth of issues."

 

She actually understood... because she said I was right on that point.

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[elaine567]

That point has come up. (a few weeks ago) She has asked me to put myself in her shoes. My response was... "I really can't since I don't hold onto things, and I say exactly what's on my mind. I couldn't hold in 20 years worth of issues."

 

 

Oh dear.

 

If a good friend of yours said his dog had died and he was really cut up about it and he couldn't sleep and it was upsetting him a lot and you said, "Sorry don't do dogs, no idea why you are so upset, a dog's a dog get another one..."

How helpful do you think that would be?

 

That is essentially what you did to your wife.

"Sorry, no idea what you are talking about here, *I* don't hold grudges for 20 years, get over yourself" There was a big dig in there...

Unless you are willing to acknowledge SHE is upset, and understand why SHE is upset and accept SHE has a valid reason to be upset and get off your high horse, then you can say good bye to your marriage.