My family and friends still talk with my cheating ex GF and her new man??

[Whyme92]

Loooooong story short, I dated her for 4 years. We met in college, were friends for a bit, and started dating. We moved in together and were definitely exclusive, I was even thinking about marriage.

 

So, her family lives on the other side of the country. We both moved to the area where my family & friends live. I have a HUGE family and a bunch of friends, and as soon as I introduced her to them, they all loved her. She's ridiculously charming and sociable, and quickly became the social butterfly of this big group of people.

 

Things were going really well for us, we were living together and I thought we were very happy. A few months ago, I found out that she was cheating on me with a guy she works with. My first response was obviously being devastated. I really loved her and wanted to marry her. The second response was jealousy and insecurity. I've seen the other guy around sometimes and the guy is tall, good looking, good job, in shape, funny, etc. It's a little funny in a sad way because he reminds me of the "you vs. the guy she tells you not to worry about" joke going around on Twitter.

 

I confronted her about it, she admitted it and basically said: "Look, I'm sorry to have hurt you. I don't know if you can forgive this or not, but honestly I think that He and I are really good for each other so it's best that me and you break this off." I couldn't wrap my head around the audacity to assume that I would want to forgive her and that she gets to "win" by breaking up with me first. It's been months and I'm still upset about the breakup.

 

We break up, she moves out (and moves in with him), and news of the whole thing gets around to my circle of family and friends. At first they were very nice and people were telling me how unfortunate the whole situation was and how life is unpredictable yada yada yada.

 

Literally 6 weeks after I find out she cheated on me and she moved out, my oldest sister had a baby shower and invited her. I wasn't at the shower but when I found out she was there, I was pissed. How can my sister betray me and be so loyal to a cheater? I made it very clear to my family how I felt about it but they seemed to blow off my reaction. Then maybe 3 weeks after that, one of my cousin's had a party and (again) invited her. I was there and felt really uncomfortable. What pissed me off was how my cousins and the friends that I introduced to her were all in a circle talking to her, while I was so uncomfortable that I left early.

 

And the straw that broke the camel's back was yesterday when my best friend and his wife had a BBQ and (of course) she was invited. And she brought her new guy with her. This is the first time he met the group (again, people who I knew first) and they decide he's just a swell guy. They're all laughing and talking. One of my friends came up to me and said " he's cool. Just gotta make sure I don't leave him alone with my wife."......It's a joke to them........

 

I loved that girl for 4 years and treated her like a queen, but that means nothing. Afterwards I asked my best friend & his wife if they invited both of them and they said "She's really great and we wanted to meet her new boyfriend. What's in the past is in the past, let it go." Keep in mind, everyone there knows that she cheated on me with him. Even my parents are telling me that shes a great girl and "like another daughter" to them. My sister point-blank said to me that if she were to get married tomorrow, she would be a bridesmaid and he would be invited to the wedding.

 

I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to give some ultimatum or anything, but I really think my family is treating me horribly. The only thing I can do is stop going to all social functions and that's a lousy option.

 

Am I right to be mad at my family and friends about this?

Edited January 27, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed names

[Lonewolf4]

Damn... Your own family? Honestly I would just go ghost on events. And how crazy this sounds, I probably wouldn't talk to family or friends much. Find some new friends. A new group. I know it's not as easy as it sounds. Man you're in the twilight zone.

[usa1ah]

I would say you have all the right in the world to feel the way you do.

 

Find new friends and just shut off your family for the time.

 

Do your own thing.

 

I shut my family off due to something they said about my wife. Didn’t talk for three years or so. They are as nice as they can be with my wife now.

 

Find your own place in the world.

 

Get over your ex and what she did.

 

Find someone new.

 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy

[usa1ah]

Find somewhere else to go for Christmas. Don’t do the family thing. Go have fun somewhere else.

 

Don’t take calls from them.

[smackie9]

Gosh how disheartening they are favoring her over you.

 

 

 

I know a few people in my life that were so charming that no matter how much cheating/bad stuff they did, it didn't matter, everyone still simply loved them, wanted to be around them, still invited them out etc. They are all have a narcissistic/ possible psychopathic personality. Gleaming with charm, able to manipulate people for their own selfish needs. Tt happens under everyones noses.

 

Your ex has taken possession over your friends and family quite awhile ago. She respects no boundaries, is not sorry she met this other guy because he is "more suitable" to her needs......what does that sound to you?

 

IMO you need to give your family members a reality check, and you definitely need to be vocal about that. Secondly dump your friends and move on. Obviously they made their choice, and that shows they have no loyalty towards you.

[Whyme92]

Gosh how disheartening they are favoring her over you.

 

 

 

I know a few people in my life that were so charming that no matter how much cheating/bad stuff they did, it didn't matter, everyone still simply loved them, wanted to be around them, still invited them out etc. They are all have a narcissistic/ possible psychopathic personality. Gleaming with charm, able to manipulate people for their own selfish needs. Tt happens under everyones noses.

 

Your ex has taken possession over your friends and family quite awhile ago. She respects no boundaries, is not sorry she met this other guy because he is "more suitable" to her needs......what does that sound to you?

 

IMO you need to give your family members a reality check, and you definitely need to be vocal about that. Secondly dump your friends and move on. Obviously they made their choice, and that shows they have no loyalty towards you.

 

Your right about the friends??

[Whyme92]

Find somewhere else to go for Christmas. Don’t do the family thing. Go have fun somewhere else.

 

Don’t take calls from them.

 

At this point im not sure if they even will THINK to call me.

[Whyme92]

Damn... Your own family? Honestly I would just go ghost on events. And how crazy this sounds, I probably wouldn't talk to family or friends much. Find some new friends. A new group. I know it's not as easy as it sounds. Man you're in the twilight zone.

 

Exactly some people I know would be in jail right now if they were in my situation

[elaine567]

I think the fact she apparently monkey branched onto Kenny and the fact they now have a genuine relationship and Kenny is such a great guy too, worked for them and against you.

 

 

BUT I would not go burning any bridges with friends and family.

I have known such couples, and they tend to not be people who stick around long term. Your friends and family may be flavour of the month but they tend to get bored and move onto the next group who they similarly impress and wow, until they again get bored and move on.

[Whyme92]

I think the fact she apparently monkey branched onto Kenny and the fact they now have a genuine relationship and Kenny is such a great guy too, worked for them and against you.

 

 

BUT I would not go burning any bridges with friends and family.

I have known such couples, and they tend to not be people who stick around long term. Your friends and family may be flavour of the month but they tend to get bored and move onto the next group who they similarly impress and wow, until they again get bored and move on.

 

What does that have to do with ALL of them disregarding how I feel about them being around?

[elaine567]

What does that have to do with ALL of them disregarding how I feel about them being around?

 

It is not about you now though is it?

You cannot dictate who they are friends with.

They have formed their own friendships with this girl and her new guy. You see a cheating gf, they see a fun person to have around.

Also some do not see college romances as being all that serious, breaking up is par for the course and people move on....

[Normm]

Am I right to be mad at my family and friends about this?

 

 

Yes you have a right to be mad. That much being said there's not a thing you can do about it other than accept it for what it is and decide who to be friends with and who to stay in contact with.

 

 

 

If it was me I'd have nothing to do with any of them as long as they continue to associate with your cheating ex gf and her boyfriend and maybe not even afterwards, but your mileage may vary.

[usa1ah]

It is not about you now though is it?

You cannot dictate who they are friends with.

They have formed their own friendships with this girl and her new guy. You see a cheating gf, they see a fun person to have around.

Also some do not see college romances as being all that serious, breaking up is par for the course and people move on....

 

This threaded is about whyme92.

 

How he feels is genuine and he has every right to feel like he does.

[elaine567]

This threaded is about whyme92.

 

How he feels is genuine and he has every right to feel like he does.

 

Yes how he feels is genuine but I guess his friends and family do not see it in the same way he does, that is the point I am making.

It is not uncommon for people to be friends with "cheaters", as they take the view it has nothing to do with them what happens within a relationship.

 

Yes it is horrible, yes it is a betrayal, but removing oneself probably permanently from one's total support system is a BIG deal and needs to be thought out carefully.

In 6 months this girl may be yesterday's news, she may not even live there any more but if he cuts himself off completely because of her, there may be no going back...

[Mrs._December]

Jeez. I don't know what it is that Kristen's got, but apparently, it makes EVERYONE want to be near her.

 

Does she lay golden eggs or something???

 

What an incredible amount of disrespect your friends and family are showing you. And the fact that NONE of them can even see how they're disrespecting you makes me wonder what's wrong with all of them.

 

Look, I get it. My brothers' now ex-wife was my best buddy in the world. But she cheated on him and deserted him for some loser she hooked up with 2 weeks after she met the guy. I missed her horribly even though I hated what she'd one to my brother. As much as I wanted to not lose that friendship, my loyalty to my brother was my top priority and that friendship pretty much ceased to exist after that all went down.

 

Your family and friends should all be ashamed of themselves.

[Whyme92]

Jeez. I don't know what it is that Kristen's got, but apparently, it makes EVERYONE want to be near her.

 

Does she lay golden eggs or something???

 

What an incredible amount of disrespect your friends and family are showing you. And the fact that NONE of them can even see how they're disrespecting you makes me wonder what's wrong with all of them.

 

Look, I get it. My brothers' now ex-wife was my best buddy in the world. But she cheated on him and deserted him for some loser she hooked up with 2 weeks after she met the guy. I missed her horribly even though I hated what she'd one to my brother. As much as I wanted to not lose that friendship, my loyalty to my brother was my top priority and that friendship pretty much ceased to exist after that all went down.

 

Your family and friends should all be ashamed of themselves.

 

Agree thank you so much.

[smackie9]

Ya I really can't get my head around how disrespectful everyone has been.

 

Makes me wonder if she gave them a bs story that she was "forced" to abandon her relationship with you and everyone is feeling sorry for her. Ever think of that? It would explain her putting her back towards you as to act like she was in contempt because of your said behavior in the relaitonship. I know that would be something one of those friends I HAD would do...she was conniving enough to do such a thing.

[kgcolonel]

Smackie9 I think you may be on to a possibility here. Whyme, have you clearly explained to your family and friends that she was cheating on you before you two broke up?...Do you know what if anything she's said about the breakup to your family and friends?

[usa1ah]

Yes how he feels is genuine but I guess his friends and family do not see it in the same way he does, that is the point I am making.

It is not uncommon for people to be friends with "cheaters", as they take the view it has nothing to do with them what happens within a relationship.

 

Yes it is horrible, yes it is a betrayal, but removing oneself probably permanently from one's total support system is a BIG deal and needs to be thought out carefully.

In 6 months this girl may be yesterday's news, she may not even live there any more but if he cuts himself off completely because of her, there may be no going back...

 

If there is no going back for a son or brother after 6 months then there are bigger issues at play here.

 

Sorry but to be betrayed by her then his own family is a double blow to him. Good riddens to the family for not standing up for him in this.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would say you have all the right in the world to feel the way you do.

 

Find new friends and just shut off your family for the time.

 

Do your own thing.

 

I shut my family off due to something they said about my wife. Didn’t talk for three years or so. They are as nice as they can be with my wife now.

Find your own place in the world.

 

Get over your ex and what she did.

 

Find someone new.

 

Read No More Mr Nice Guy

 

 

Make no mistake, your parents can not stand your wife and are faking it because they don't want to lose their son.

 

Good on you for disregarding your family for expressing their opinion. Well and truly P-whipped.

 

And your parents are right in what they said. You may not see it today, or tomorrow but eventually you will. Would be nice if they abandoned you then. But they won't because they actually may be the only people in this world that truly love you.

[usa1ah]

Make no mistake, your parents can not stand your wife and are faking it because they don't want to lose their son.

 

Good on you for disregarding your family for expressing their opinion. Well and truly P-whipped.

 

And your parents are right in what they said. You may not see it today, or tomorrow but eventually you will. Would be nice if they abandoned you then. But they won't because they actually may be the only people in this world that truly love you.

 

Not true. You can tell when someone is faking it. Also this was like 15 years ago. Time heals most wounds.

[Whyme92]

Smackie9 I think you may be on to a possibility here. Whyme, have you clearly explained to your family and friends that she was cheating on you before you two broke up?...Do you know what if anything she's said about the breakup to your family and friends?

 

No not yet

[smackie9]

How are things? Has anything changed?

[Clay]

Do you really need to explain this to them. I mean honestly. If it happened to anyone of them would they really be thankful you invited their cheating ex. It really shows you how you are valued. As for your best friend that friendship would be done.

 

I don't know your situation but if I was in your shoes I would change my number and move if I needed to. I wouldn't talk to any one of them. There would be no discussion about it or even a chance to try to work things out. I guess I am cold like that but what they did is far beyond what I am suggesting you do. They are rubbing it right in your face and then making it a huge joke.

 

With friends and family like that who needs enemies.

 

C

[JS84]

I agree with Clay. I think their behavior speaks to a larger issue. That you're dealing with friends and family who don't seem to have much respect for you or concern for your feelings. I'd take that as a sign you need to broaden your horizons and maybe start cutting off dead weight.

 

Not saying you have to completely cut everyone out of your life for good, but maybe seriously start taking stock of how people treat you and allow them in your life accordingly. I talk to my sister 4 times a year by text. "Happy Birthday", "Happy Thanksgiving", "Merry Christmas", "Happy New Year". Because she treats people disrespectfully. I talk to my Dad maybe once a month for pretty much the same reason. Which looks worse seeing how I talk to my mom 3 - 5 times a week. And they're still married.

 

You really need a new group of friends. I don't know any of my friends, let alone family, who would do something like that.