I am a problem Drinker.

[Brittany2887]

I met my partner at the gym over three years ago and we have just celebrated our 3rd year anniversary. I was a solo father and she moved in quite early on and has been a big part of our lives. We got a dog and 3 cats together over the years and spent most of our spare time going to the gym and just spending time with each other. We had a great life together and we were mostly happy.

 

Unfortunately i have a problem with binge drinking. When i drink to much i can sometimes get very verbally abusive - threatening and on occassion i break things. She has always wanted me to stop, but most weekends i would sit back and take back 8-9 burbons, I normally would come to bed and start an argument and she would end up on the couch. :/ when i dont drink we are mostly fine - happy and good. We have built up a really great life and have everything we need. I have gotten too drunk about 3 times.

 

She got me to stop at one point - but then after time she let me do it again on small amounts. But then last friday instead of going to her graduation, i went to the work xmas party. I promised her i would not get to drunk. but i did. when i got home she was very upset and said i couldnt go. I got angry and swore at her and broke her mirror and a sewing machine. I through some of her clothes out the front and took off. When i returned her clothes were gone and some of her stuff. I drove to her parents house and when they didnt let me in i yelled and swore abuse at them. when i got home the police came over and issued a 5 day ban for us.

 

They also said my partner is done and does not want to continue the relationship. She moved out the next day. - she told my family that she does not believe i can change. Then she went on her planned holiday in europe with her family. So i am stuck here now with all the mess that i have created. She promised she would never leave unless i hit her, i dont know how i got that drunk. This is the biggest regret of my life. I choose her over alcohol but i fear it may be to late to ever prove that. (we were engaged )I know i can change - I haven't heard from her in a week. I know she really loves me - the straight me is good to her.

 

Have i lost this amazing woman?

Edited December 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to BBU

[Garcon1986]

Buddy you've said threatening things to her, gone into a rage and smashed things, and have caused her to lose trust in you, fear for her safety, and lose faith in your ability to change. When a woman fears for her safety around you, you've lost her. It's gotten so bad the police are already involved.

 

You need to prove to yourself, and the world - that you can go clean. Alcoholism will kill you if you don't stop - there are a world of health problems. You need to show the world you can be a kind and gentle man again.

 

Face your demon - your alcohol addiction. Otherwise nothing will change. The options only get darker and darker from here on out - unless you reach out to professional help.

[Giraffe-A]

My mom used to live this life with my father. I remember her having to go find him in her nightgown at the bar. I was a kid when she sent me to get him and I found him passed out on the corner booth. The bar literraly had closed and let him stay there. I remember waking up to all the broken things that my mom had worked hard to attain. Then she left him. My dad sobered up cold turkey and managed to lose a ton of weight in the process. She took him back after a year with the condition thar he didnt drink again. He kept his word for 30 years. This is a very devastating turn off. You gotta quit now and you have to realize it has to be for good. You’ve got a lot of making up to do.

[preraph]

There is no guarantee at all that you could ever get her back even if you quit drinking. I say this as a person who win young had a father who sometimes raged though not from drinking. Once it gets bad you have trouble sleeping at night because you're scared of that person and don't know what might happen. it's a choice to live in fear once that's happened to you or two just to get out. She tried to get you to quit and of course you and I both know it's not that easy.

 

Of course you are the one who has to determine that you want to quit and then suffer whatever it takes from now on to not drink. I have friends who have done this. My best friend has been sober for 25 years.

 

I'm afraid you have just lost her. but you need to just quit drinking and go to AA so you'll have some support and of course they have rules and that means you can't even be in a relationship for a certain amount of time. It's never going to be enough to just tell her I quit when you haven't even gotten sober and stayed sober for a year or more, and even then her fear will always remain that you will fall out of sobriety.

 

you need to stop drinking for your own self and for any future relationships. it can be done and how many people have done it. I know there are people who just won't let themselves sacrifice enough to get sober and sacrifice is what it takes. It takes a resolution to want to quit and to be willing to suffer whatever it takes to stay sober.

 

If you don't get sober you're going to degenerate with age. It gets worse not better. for now you need to just respect her decision and not make life hard and paranoid for her by trying to see her and by continuing to contact her. if you ever are able to be sober for a year or two then you might let her know you're sober then but there are certainly no guarantees. I wish you the best and I know you are facing a struggle. But think of it this way. You are already in a struggle that's ruining your life. Getting sober will just be another struggle but it will make your life better in the end.

[Garcon1986]

You need only read here to understand what's likely on her mind:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/672181-my-partner-talking-about-suicide-should-i-report-him-his-family-says-no

[JuneL]

How about your kid? How much emotional (and physical) abuse have you done to them?

[BaileyB]

You are not a problem drinker, you are an alcoholic.

 

As has already been said, when a woman fears for her safety in a relationship, that relationship is usually done. Let her go. Best to focus on dealing with your own issues now. You lost your chance with this woman.

[amaysngrace]

If you valued her over alcohol you would’ve shown her that when you were together. That’s when the change would’ve occurred.

 

I’m surprised she agreed to marry you.

[ShadeOfGreen]

You say you have a great life together. I'm sure those are based on some very happy memories, but what really matters is what's happening now.

 

Healthy relationships are stable and safe. You described a very scary and dangerous situation. You yelled, broke things, and threw her stuff out. You went to her parents, and yelled some more. I don't know if you have a daughter, but how would you feel if this was happening to her?

 

People who are with alcoholics need to make a choice between a life of codependency, or making a decision to end the relationship for the sake of their own life.

 

You exhibited scary behavior, and don't know how you got that drunk. You can never drink again if you expect to live out the rest of your days as a healthy individual. AA has been great for so many people. Consider going to a meeting as soon as possible. Get sober for yourself.

 

I hope you find the help you need.

[Wallysbears]

Your actions have shown you to be a violent alcoholic capable of destroying property and acting in rage.

 

she is wise to have left. Wise to have contacted the police.

 

You are not a "problem drinker" you are a raging alcoholic who needs help.

 

You have abused her. Perhaps not by actually physically striking her but by your other actions.

 

STAY AWAY from that poor woman and get help.

[Rockdad]

If nothing else change your drink. I have a friend that is the nicest guy. (thankfully as he is a very tuff dude) When he drank Blackberry Brandy which was his fav he would become what you described in yourself and physically violent. With beer he was a regular guy. Worth a thought if your not going to quit.

[d0nnivain]

Have i lost this amazing woman?

 

Yes! Once the police get involved there is no coming back from this. Your EX would be foolish for even considering taking you back without seeing evidence that you have been sober for at least 6 months (AA advises no romance until you have a year under your belt) and that you have completed an anger management program.

[Mr. Lucky]

I choose her over alcohol

 

You did? I certainly came away with a different impression reading your post and would guess, having actually lived it, she doesn't agree with that assessment either.

 

OP, you're simply not a candidate for a relationship right now. Work on yourself, come to terms with your alcoholism, there lies the way forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Normm]

She promised she would never leave unless i hit her, i dont know how i got that drunk.

 

So what? You promised her you'd never get drunk again and you'd control your drinking. You didnt keep your word either. Fair's fair.

 

I know i can change

 

How do you know that? You don't seem capable from what you've posted. It takes time, counseling, a lot of effort and a long time. Ask any alcoholic who has been through the process.

 

Have i lost this amazing woman?

 

All you can do is work on yourself. Leave her alone, maybe she'll get curious and come looking at which point hopefully you can tell her you've made a real effort to combat your drinking problems, and actually have proof that you've taken the steps.