She found out about us

[madi1031]

I am new...Ill try and keep this short.

 

Ive been the OW for over 2 years. We were both married when we started...I got a divorce about 8 months in. He has young children and has always said he wants to stay until they were a bit older. I agreed, I know what divorce does to kids. I am also raising my kids and I was in no hurry for us to live together. We are best of friends and what we have works. I do believe him when he says he loves me.

 

Well 2 months ago his wife found out and confronted me by calling. I was shocked. She of course is devested. Both he and I feel horrible. He was honest with her and told her that he loved me and he doesnt want to be with her. I know you are not suppose to believe everything the MM says but I do believe him when he tell me that they are more of roommates and everything they are is only about the kids...no sex, no dates nothing. They have tried counceling (but i will admit I was seeing him the a whole time so not sure he was ever really invested)

 

So now we continue to see each other while she processes things. She doesnt work and doesnt want to. It scares her that her life is about to change and I often wonder if he will come to me and say he just feels too guilty and needs to stay. He assures me all the time but we are in such a weird stage with the holidays. they havent told the kids (she has told her mom and a few fews and he has told one friend)

 

My question has anyone ever went from being the OW and then it coming out and transitioned. DOES IT EVER WORK? Does the guilt get easier?

 

He is still living in the house as they are trying to get through the holidays for the kids. She is so emotional and they are going to counceling together to try and have an easier time because of the kids.

 

Im a mess and honestly dont know how to type all this out. I know what we have done wasnt the best way to do things but with kids involved it was the only way we could think how. We truley are best friends.

[InvisibleLady]

Welcome to LS and I'm sorry you are going through this. Read through the posts, these things usually don't end well for the OW.

 

"they are going to counceling together to try and have an easier time because of the kids."

This is a red flag in my opinion. Counseling together means they are working on the marriage, or at least he's letting the BS think he is. The kids haven't even been told.

Prepare yourself for the fact that he is planning to stay right where he is. That's what they do.

Edited December 21, 2018 by InvisibleLady

[ABernie]

There are a few who have gone from A to R.

 

I am currently in the transitioning phase. D-Day #1 was July and D-Day #2 was September. After #2 it got very difficult, but he made a fake email and that's what we have been using or I go to see him at his job (she tracks by GPS). My IC has told me that I need to hit the pause button. It takes about 6 months for the anger to subside and 1 year for the hurt from the betrayal to subside. It's a big game a patience. Especially, like you BS doesn't work much. She deserves the time to process and figure out many things.

 

Can he change his mind? Of course and honestly, I could too. But I have my kids, so I'm not in a biological rush. I am still in the process of D, so I'm not in that rush either, plus 3 kids living at home, I have time.

 

If it takes too long, could I end it? Maybe. I don't know when that is. If I meet someone else, might I end it as well? Quite possibly. But I didn't go into my M thinking I would get D, so none of us have a crystal ball.

[ABernie]

Welcome to LS and I'm sorry you are going through this. Read through the posts, these things usually don't end well for the OW.

 

"they are going to counceling together to try and have an easier time because of the kids."

This is a red flag in my opinion. Counseling together means they are working on the marriage, or at least he's letting the BS think he is. The kids haven't even been told.

Prepare yourself for the fact that he is planning to stay right where he is. That's what they do.

 

 

I disagree. STBX and I went to CC to learn how to separate amicably. To hash out living and spending and how to co-parent.

 

My kids haven't been told yet either, but I am 100% on board with this.

[preraph]

I'm 100 percent certain he's still sleeping with her even though he's not into her anymore. As far as the kids, what about how hard it is being in a household that is broken and fighting and the dad is cheating? Don't think any of that goes past them, because it doesn't. Most married men who are cheating want to keep their wive AND have a mistress.

[madi1031]

So the counceling is what they have been going to for a year...they have been in counceling for a year and I have known about it. He is adement that he only went to prove to her the marriage is over in hopes that it would be an easier divorce...meaning at the end of counceling she would say well we gave it the best try and obviously it isnt getting better so I want a divorse also...however she found out about us now and is devested. I would be too...she doesnt deserve this. She deserves someone that loves her completley. So the councelor they are seeing was their marriage therapist but now is transitioning to a divorce therapist. If that makes sense

 

He has said that he will move out if it is too hard on her for him to stay while the divorce goes through but finantionally that is hard. Plus I want him to be there for his kids.

 

I do have patience I just dont know the process of all this. And u are right...I could change my mind too and we never know. I hope we really can transition to being together. I can only imagine how are it will be though

 

Im raising my kids also. We all have responsibilities.

 

Im so glad I found this group but wish I did 2 years ago!!!!

[InvisibleLady]

I disagree. STBX and I went to CC to learn how to separate amicably. To hash out living and spending and how to co-parent.

 

My kids haven't been told yet either, but I am 100% on board with this.

 

I could be mixed up, but I think I remember your story and that your STBX doesn't know you were cheating, thus I would think that means being amicable for the kids would be easier in your case. In the case of the OP, her MM's BS might not be feeling very amicable at the moment since she is devastated and rightly so.

 

Time will tell.

[madi1031]

Exactly...the worst thing is that she knows he has had an affair...and knows it has been well over 2 years. I cant imagine what she is thinking. I do believe she would take him back in a heartbeat though. She has even told him that.

 

She keeps saying she cant trust him with the kids and she wont mediate (wants her own lawyer) I just HATE that he is having to go through this and I have no clue how to support him through this. No clue at all. We stay in contant comminication. Texting and see each other as we normally did. I just know it is a lot on him and there is nothing i can do even though i did this with him.

[FMW]

Did you not get a sense of where she thinks things are when she called you? Did she seem like she thought her marriage was over or was she just telling you she knew and either telling you to back off or expressing what she thought about you?

 

There is no way to tell if he's telling you the whole truth, about anything, and if they will be divorcing after the holidays. And we are prone to believe what we want and need to believe.

 

Only time will tell.

 

There are a few others who post here that have ended up with their affair partners. If you scroll through the posts in The Other Man/Woman section you will probably come across them.

[elaine567]

Not sure what you mean by she would "take him back" if he has never actually left the house...

 

Has he filed for divorce?

[Normm]

He is adement that he only went to prove to her the marriage is over in hopes that it would be an easier divorce

 

 

He was lying to his wife right up until the time the affair was discovered and probably even now. No reason he isn't lying to you too. His wife was devastated, do you think he cares? If he doesn't care about her, why do you think he cares about you? It's about what he wants and what he can convince other people to believe in order to fulfill his goals.

[Giraffe-A]

Sorry for your pain. These sort of things don't end well for the OW at all. He was comfortable where the relationship was with you and with her. As bad as he is making his wife out to be, he seems not to be in a hurry to bail out. He's got the best of both worlds. When he truly sets his feet back on the ground and realize how much he stands to lose, he may actually want to start working on his marriage. I think you will know your answer pretty soon.

[madi1031]

She called me because she saw on the phone bill all the times he had called me. she asked me if I loved him and I told her the truth yes.

 

All of this happened a month ago right before Thanksgiving...then they have been in hell ever since. She has told him she wants him out after the New Year but financially it just doesnt make since...she doesnt have a job and supporting two households isnt an option. He wants to wait until she has a job but she is in no hurry to get one. He doesnt lie to her about seeing me...she knows we are seeing each other but we try not throw it in her face because she is hurt.

 

Everyone is right only time will tell if he will actually do it. He has said that while he is off for the holidays he will go look at apartments. I have seen text between them he has shown me and he has shown me texts he has written their therapist to get advise. But is still feel so vunerable. And I guess only time will tell....for now I am traveling for the holidays with my kids and I need to keep myself busy.

 

As for the 100% sure they are still sleeping together I disagree...my ex husband and i went years without sex...it happens all the time in marriages. So to tell someone not to trust when their AP says that is generalizing things. While sex isnt everything in a marriage it is a part of it and leads to more intamacy and stronger bonds. The bond I have with him is amazing and keeps getting better.

[Mrs._December]

He is still living in the house as they are trying to get through the holidays for the kids. She is so emotional and they are going to counceling together to try and have an easier time because of the kids.

Oh man.

 

Do yourself a favor and go read one of the more well-know infidelity message boards out there. You see this same 'story' told on those boards over and over and over and over and over again.

 

To sum it up:

 

Wife catches her husband cheating, and she can't figure out why because their marriage may not be perfect but it certainly wasn't the dumpster fire the cheating lying husband wants the OW to believe it is. Of course, the wife has no clue her lying husband has been painting such a bleak picture of their marriage to his OW and she'll probably never know because HE sure as hell will never admit it to her.

 

After D-Day, he's now entered full-on damage control. He's selfish enough to still want to have BOTH of you - it's just going to require a whole lot of lying and a whole lot of work and manipulation in order to do it.

 

Without a doubt, he's been begging his wife not to throw him out. It's highly, highly, HIGHLY unlikely that he told her he's 'in love with you' and that he's leaving her. I can't stress that enough. What he's telling her is that he regrets his affair with you, he's more than likely thrown you right under the bus and told her you mean nothing to him and you're not even attractive and on and on. And it's also very possible he's lied and told her it wasn't a physical affair. If she knows it WAS physical, then he told her what most lying cheaters tell their wives - that the sex wasn't good and he'll probably tell her about that awful appendectomy scar you have or that embarrassing spare tire around your middle. He'll do his level best to put you down so she doesn't feel bested.

 

And he's also very likely thrown her a bone and told her he'll go to marriage counseling so they can 'save' their marriage and THAT'S why they're going to counseling, not for the nonsense reason he gave you.

 

If you had any idea how MANY married men lie to their OW's and tell them they're going to counseling 'to figure out how to tell the kids we're divorcing and to learn how to make the split with the least amount of devastation,' your head would spin.

 

Lastly, you'll be hearing all about how 'emotional' his wife is and how he can't leave her because he's afraid she won't be able to care for the kids. Then you'll eventually start hearing how he can't leave because he's afraid she'll harm herself. Eventually, you'll hear about how he can't leave because his wife 'refuses' to get a job and therefore, has no way of supporting herself and the kids even WITH child support and possible alimony. In the meantime, he'll ask you to hold on and wait for him, and keep promising you he's leaving just as soon as blah blah blah. Expect him to start using a different method of contact with you that his wife doesn't know about because you can be sure she's monitoring all his stuff. He may even get a burner phone.

 

I'm just being honest, but I think you have a better chance of having lunch with Elvis than you do of him leaving ANY time within the next 15 years.

[Mrs._December]

She called me because she saw on the phone bill all the times he had called me. she asked me if I loved him and I told her the truth yes.

Sooooo, I would imagine since she knows about you and knows he's leaving because he's in love with you, he'll continue to use his regular cell phone to call you because he doesn't need to hide from her anymore. And that means she'll be able to see all those calls and texts to you on their shared cell phone bill, just like she did which led to your D-Day.

 

Right?

 

Or has he suddenly started using an app that lets him call and text without it using his cell phone provider, because he just doesn't want to 'rub it in her face' by all those calls showing up on the shared cell phone bill?

 

All of this happened a month ago right before Thanksgiving...then they have been in hell ever since. She has told him she wants him out after the New Year but financially it just doesnt make since...she doesnt have a job and supporting two households isnt an option. He wants to wait until she has a job but she is in no hurry to get one. He doesnt lie to her about seeing me...she knows we are seeing each other but we try not throw it in her face because she is hurt.

Oh boy. I already predicted this in my first post and hadn't even read your subsequent posts yet, and I see he's already using the excuse that she won't be able to afford to live on her own and if she REFUSES to get a job, how will he ever leave?

 

This stuff is SO predictable.

 

Secondly, you say she'd 'take him back' in a heartbeat, yet he's telling you she's supposedly told him that he has to get out after New Year's?

 

As for the 100% sure they are still sleeping together I disagree....

The sad but simple TRUTH is that you don't know. Unless you're in their house and in their bedroom every single night, you DON'T know. Again, please go read the infidelity boards and see how many men lie and tell their OW's they haven't had sex with their wives in months/years/decades when the truth is, they're still having sex. The majority of the betrayed wives post that NOTHING changed in their lives while their husband was cheating - he acted the same, they still had sex, he still was affectionate, etc. etc. etc.

 

One humbling lesson you'll probably learn from this whole thing is to never say never.

Edited December 21, 2018 by Mrs._December

[BaileyB]

Madi, let’s say that he does leave his wife and you are together - do you think you will be able to trust that he will never do the same to you?

 

I mean, he has already demonstrated that he is capable of lying and betraying the woman he “loves” in the worst way... are you not concerned that he will do the same to you?

 

Even if they do divorce, it will take YEARS for this relationship to be a “normal” relationship - if it ever does. You will have to deal with an angry ex-wife, your children will have to deal with the betrayal and the separation of their parents for the rest of their lives... is this man really worth all the drama and the pain?

[Starswillshine]

The problem that OWs have is they believe words and small actions that dont add up to much.

 

If you look at his actions without words, sounds very much like he is trying to please his wife and save his marriage.

 

My suggestion. Tell him to figure out his mess and call you when he is out with a signed separation agreement.

 

Also... stop the madness that she doesnt work. She takes care of their children. Being a SAHM isnt a paycheck job but it is very well a job.

 

To the other poster who said the MM will throw the OW under the bus and even talk about scars... my WH did exactly this. "They say there is no such thing as bad sex, well I found it." Also.. told me about a birthmark she has that she was extremely embarrassed about. And also about other odd physical features.

 

It is like a script cheaters are just born with. It would be funny if it werent so tragic.

 

I divorced my WH. He hates his OW and they dont even speak.

[preraph]

Exactly...the worst thing is that she knows he has had an affair...and knows it has been well over 2 years. I cant imagine what she is thinking. I do believe she would take him back in a heartbeat though. She has even told him that.

 

She keeps saying she cant trust him with the kids and she wont mediate (wants her own lawyer) I just HATE that he is having to go through this and I have no clue how to support him through this. No clue at all. We stay in contant comminication. Texting and see each other as we normally did. I just know it is a lot on him and there is nothing i can do even though i did this with him.

 

No, she shouldn't mediate. See, that's what he's hoping for, but that's absolutely crazy in this circumstance. She'll get her own lawyer and she'll get what she needs -- OR he will decide he'd rather stay in the marriage than lose half his assets, as many do, especially if his mistress doesn't move on.

[madi1031]

He has called me on his cell phone since and also home phone...just not as much as before. We tend to text a lot (always have really) Im not a huge phone person but we do still talk.

 

Also when she called the last time we were together he did tell her he was with me...at first he just said he was out but after she pressed he finally told her. He does say he feels guilty and doesnt want to throw it in her face but he also says that he has made his mind up.

 

But you are right...I wont know if he is telling the truth. I need to protect myself. I just need to figure out how

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So the counceling is what they have been going to for a year...they have been in counceling for a year and I have known about it. He is adement that he only went to prove to her the marriage is over in hopes that it would be an easier divorce...meaning at the end of counceling she would say well we gave it the best try and obviously it isnt getting better so I want a divorse also...

 

So he's a proven manipulator. What makes you think his manipulation is only reserved for his devoted wife?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No, she shouldn't mediate. See, that's what he's hoping for, but that's absolutely crazy in this circumstance. She'll get her own lawyer and she'll get what she needs -- OR he will decide he'd rather stay in the marriage than lose half his assets, as many do, especially if his mistress doesn't move on.

 

This is exactly what will happen. Especially if his wife is a smart woman.

[BaileyB]

Also... stop the madness that she doesnt work. She takes care of their children. Being a SAHM isnt a paycheck job but it is very well a job.

 

Amen! If she is a smart woman, she will kick him out and hire a good lawyer - to protect herself and her children.

 

Madi, you simply can’t believe a word this man says to you. He is a proven liar. He lies to his wife and his children every. single. day.

[BaileyB]

Also when she called the last time we were together he did tell her he was with me...at first he just said he was out but after she pressed he finally told her. He does say he feels guilty and doesnt want to throw it in her face but he also says that he has made his mind up.

 

But you are right...I wont know if he is telling the truth. I need to protect myself. I just need to figure out how

 

Ah, so the fact that he was pressured to tell the truth and he told her that he was with you... that means that he loves you? I don’t think so.

 

If he has made his mind up, he would have moved out of the house, quit going to marriage counselling, and filed for divorce. The fact that he is still living at home, still going for counselling, and has not seen a lawyer seem to indicate where his loyalties lay at the moment...

 

You do need to protect yourself. Better yet, you need to protect your children.

 

Have you considered counselling for yourself? That would be a good resolution to make this year... that, and tell this man that you both need time to get your heads in straight. Don’t jump from one relationship to another... get your lives together and if it’s meant to be, he will do what is required and he will come back to you when he has divorce papers in hand.

 

My boyfriend was separated for two years, signing divorce papers when we first met. We dated for a few months before he told me that he wasn’t ready for anything serious... he needed some time. We “separated” for a year and a half before he came back into my life. He told me, if we would have stayed together it was doubtful that we would still be together. He needed to get his life together - financially, his coparenting relationahip with his ex-wife, he needed to get his child settled with the new arrangement and on a good path, etc... I so respect him for doing that. Your guy needs to do that, if you have a hope of making this last. I can’t imagine starting a life with a man who has one foot in and one foot out of a marriage. Financially, emotionally, logistically... he is not ready. This will be a long and hard road for you. Turn back now while you still can...

Edited December 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[madi1031]

Thank you for the advise. I know You are right... I just Need to be strong enough to do it. When she found out we both actually talked about separating while he goes through the divorce process just for the fact it will be a long painful process... that lasted two days... ugh it was just so hard not having him in my life everyday and the same for him. We both wanted to stay in contact.

 

I have seen movement towards their separation it isn’t like he is not moving forward with a lawyer. He is meeting with one beginning of January and she has already spoken to one. I do believe this happening during the holidays has made the process stand still. And I do Not think him just leaving the house during the holidays with two young kids is the best thing. Even their therapist advises against upright leaving. They need to sit the kids down and tell them and right before Christmas isn’t the time.

 

I’ve read a lot of posts about social media and the wife posting pictures of them... it’s the opposite with my situation. She has totally deleted all family pictures and replaced them with pictures of just her and the kids. So again, that does show me that something is happening

 

With all that said it will be a difficult road and I cant Be naive. I need To protect me and my kids you are right. I need to think of what I want in life. And maybe the new year will be the perfect time to do that.

 

I do Love him and I want So badly for us to work.

[BaileyB]

When she found out we both actually talked about separating while he goes through the divorce process... that lasted two days... ugh it was just so hard not having him in my life everyday and the same for him. We both wanted to stay in contact.

 

I hear you. It was very hard to hear those words when he told me he didn’t want a relationship... it was really hard to tell him that I understood. I missed him, I wished it was different, I wanted to contact him... but, I couldn’t do it. I don’t want to be in an unhealthy relationship where my partner is not available and committed. He wanted to be “friends” and I said, no. I valued myself more than to be strung along by a man who was not available...

 

I don’t disagree that he should not just up and leave his kids during the holidays. But again, if it’s meant to be, it will be... Take some time apart to sort things out and clear your heads. Focus on your children and set some boundaries for YOUR family. If he does leave - DO NOT let him move into your home. He should get his own home and establish a new normal for his children - allowing them time to adjust to the divorce without having to deal with another woman...

 

But really, think about this. We know this man is very capable of lying and cheating on the woman he has promised to love and keep for the rest of his life. Why are you so eager to be the next woman in line...