She found out about us

[Phoenix1113]

The fact that he told his wife that he’s in love with you makes me think he really is committed to you and wants to be with you. I do believe that these relationships can transition to healthy normal relationships when two people are really in love. My IC has stated the same and it’s not accurate that an affair will never work out.

 

I think you just need to reassure yourself of his feelings for you and be patient as he works out his separation or divorce. Be supportive of him while he’s going through it, try not to make it about you, or he will distance himself from you. Stay strong.

[Lotus_Luna]

Dont think that I’m not empathetic or understanding.

 

 

I just know for myself, I wouldnt want to be an addictional stressor.

 

 

What has your therapist suggested?

 

Any chance the two of yiu can do couples counseling to help theough the transition?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I just know for myself, I wouldnt want to be an addictional stressor.

 

 

 

A very appropriate typo. Affairs are often just that. Addictions.

[pepperbird]

Amen! If she is a smart woman, she will kick him out and hire a good lawyer - to protect herself and her children.

 

Madi, you simply can’t believe a word this man says to you. He is a proven liar. He lies to his wife and his children every. single. day.

 

 

 

 

OP,

I spite of what you might think, there is no bug mystery here. He is showing you exactly who he is. exactly.

 

He is a man who cheats on his spouse, who will lie to her face, will go to therapy with her for months allowing her to build her hopes up because he is too chicken**** to actually do anything. He'll drag you along for as long as you allow him and you know what?

 

Every time you accept a little white lie from him, every time you say to yourself " it;s just a little bit longer", every time you slap a smile on your face when your heart is breaking, you tell him "I am perfectly fine with what you are doing to me. I am perfectly fine with what you are doing to another human being who has done nothing to me. You are doing nothing wrong and I accept all of it".

 

The worst thing about all of it? He thinks you're okay with it, and he'll just keep on doing it.

 

Ask yourself this. Do you put up with poor treatment that you would otherwise not accept, but you do with him because he's married?

 

Honey, he isn't doing these things because he's married. he's doing them because It's Who He Is.

 

Don't project your own emotions about your own marriage on to him. Just because you ended it and moved on doesn't mean he will too.

Edited December 23, 2018 by pepperbird

[Marc878]

OP,

I spite of what you might think, there is no bug mystery here. He is showing you exactly who he is. exactly. <SNIP>

 

IN affair land it's all good. Those big red flags just don't matter.

Edited December 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lotus_Luna]

A very appropriate typo. Affairs are often just that. Addictions.

 

A lot of relationships are.

Not all affairs are built on addictive tendencies.

Its easy to generalize but I dont.

[madi1031]

This is by far the hardest thing I’ve every been through. While yes the affair has had its hard parts... her finding out is horrendous. I feel Guilty and so does he. But it doesn’t change how we feel about each other. He is distant at times but still is in constant contact. It is the hardest thing watching him (and hearing about her) go through the first steps in divorce. He has contacted a lawyer. And she actually found out exactly who I am Which worries me.

 

While I do know he wants to divorce her... and honestly I think He would divorce her even if I wasnt In the picture at this point. Their marriage truly is over. He really is devestated about leaving his kids???

 

I dont Know how to support him through this so I just Try and be there when he needs. I am Keeping busy and hoping for the best. I have Been with him for 2 and a half years. I truley Believe we have something.

[TheRainbow]

He's lying to you as you probably have lied to him. He is telling you what you want to here. I was in an off again, on again affair and I never knew the guy was married with two kids. I may have suspected it, but he told me so much crap, bullied me, and preyed on my vulnerabilities. Here I was blaming my husband for me cheating. I bet once you put some distance between your affair partner and yourself, the truth of the situation will slap you in the face. He doesn't love you. He loves the idea of having you as a backup plan. The idea of sneaking behind his wife back is exciting, the sex is spontaneous and exciting. He has no intentions of leaving his wife and likely is using as a way to escape his everyday life.

[Mrs._December]

While I do know he wants to divorce her... and honestly I think He would divorce her even if I wasnt In the picture at this point. Their marriage truly is over. He really is devestated about leaving his kids������

I've lost count over the last 18 years of reading infidelity boards and OW support boards of the married men who actually left their wives to be with their OWs, then months later went begging back to their wives to come back home. It happens A LOT in these situations.

 

Married men are incredibly selfish and think their happiness and their feelings shouldn't be denied and they deserve to be with their OW/soul mate. So they rip their family apart and go off to be with their OW. But for a lot of them, it just isn't quite the land of unicorns and rainbows they they always fantasized it would be. It's REAL life, not life within the affair bubble. But now, it's REAL life and they get to live with the fact that they basically deserted their wife and family for their 'happiness.'

 

Often, the MM starts to resent his OW because he sees her as the reason for his bad choices. Right or wrong, that's what a lot of them do. And a good many of them seem to start thinking that maybe they've made a mistake and they start to entertain reaching out to their wives and seeing where her heart and head are at. I honestly can't even TELL you how many times I've read this same exact story all these years where the MM starts begging to come home unbeknownst to the OW.

 

Personally, I think any wife whose husband has left her and his children to run off with his OW isn't worth being spit on if he's on fire, but sadly, there are many weak women who will happily take these degenerates back. Go figure.

 

Read the infidelity boards. You'll see how often this happens amongst the handful of men who do run off to be with their OWs.

[Giraffe-A]

I was sadly the OW in a previous relationship. I wouldn’t date him married despite our revelation of our attraction. He packed his bags, told his wife he was getting a divorce and moved in with me. He had little ones which I met. Holidays were approaching and I met his family. They could all now breathe and openly say how they all hated his wife. She started using the kids... sending him cute things they had said, and that they asked for him every night. He assured me he was not falling for it. But, I found myself pushing him to go see his kids. He missed them and I could tell. He really did have a high opinion of me as well as immense love mixed with obsession. His parents noticed that too. Eventually the family needed to stay together for the kids. I also found that he had told me one thing and told her another. She and I talked and told her I didn’t want him back. He was mad at me for sometime after. Their relationship was bad before I came and it was bad long after I left. He still loves me from what I hear, but as I told him at the beginning, I’m not going to be the OW. There is no happy ending. Everybody loses.

[Mrs._December]

I was sadly the OW in a previous relationship. I wouldn’t date him married despite our revelation of our attraction. He packed his bags, told his wife he was getting a divorce and moved in with me. He had little ones which I met. Holidays were approaching and I met his family. They could all now breathe and openly say how they all hated his wife. She started using the kids... sending him cute things they had said, and that they asked for him every night. He assured me he was not falling for it. But, I found myself pushing him to go see his kids. He missed them and I could tell. He really did have a high opinion of me as well as immense love mixed with obsession. His parents noticed that too. Eventually the family needed to stay together for the kids. I also found that he had told me one thing and told her another. She and I talked and told her I didn’t want him back. He was mad at me for sometime after. Their relationship was bad before I came and it was bad long after I left. He still loves me from what I hear, but as I told him at the beginning, I’m not going to be the OW. There is no happy ending. Everybody loses.

And in the end, regardless of his great love for you, God and country, he still wound up going back home to his wife and family, didn't he?

 

Thank you for proving the point I was trying to make to the OP. Regardless of whether their marriage is a fairy tale come true or the 7th circle of hell, most of these guys go running back home to their wives and families. Not all, but most.

[Blue_Cloud]

If she is hurting, and you truly have remorse, and don’t want bad karmic backlash, then walk away. Unless you don’t care if one day he turns around, and does the exact same thing to you that he did to her