She found out about us

[Starswillshine]

When I found out about my xWH's affair, I took down all photos of us. Because they all felt fake. I no longer posted happy pictures of us because we werent happy. What this is showing is that she is mad and hurt. It doesnt show he isnt trying to win her back. My WH surely was. Just be careful putting too much stock into certain things. I know we all (BS and OW) look for little things to tell us one way or another. I surely did.

 

Divorce is a long process and if they arent going to agree on the amount of alimony or how to divide the assets, it may take a year or more. Attorneys are often swamped, so even have they reach an agreement, it could take months for the paperwork to be finished to even have it finalized.

[madi1031]

We both agree we wouldn’t move in together or even me meeting his kids until the divorce is completely done and they have had time to adjust.

 

I’m having a hard time thinking of just leaving him during the worst time of his life. He didn’t leave me when I went through my divorce. I mean We have been together for 2 and a half years. That has to say something and for me to just say well I know I love You and you love me but since your wife knows now you obviously are not going to be in the right emotional state to handle a relationship anymore even though we have talked about the future.how can I leave him knowing he wants to one day marry me. What kind of friend does that.. we would just be miserable. I just Don’t know.... again a lot will be told at the beginning of the year. He has said that Christmas is not the time to tell the kids and I agree.

[Starswillshine]

We both agree we wouldn’t move in together or even me meeting his kids until the divorce is completely done and they have had time to adjust.

 

I’m having a hard time thinking of just leaving him during the worst time of his life. He didn’t leave me when I went through my divorce. I mean We have been together for 2 and a half years. That has to say something and for me to just say well I know I love You and you love me but since your wife knows now you obviously are not going to be in the right emotional state to handle a relationship anymore even though we have talked about the future.how can I leave him knowing he wants to one day marry me. What kind of friend does that.. we would just be miserable. I just Don’t know.... again a lot will be told at the beginning of the year. He has said that Christmas is not the time to tell the kids and I agree.

 

I agree that Christmas isnt the right time. But after Christmas if there is excuses, move on. Or at the very least, tell him to contact you when his crap is together and he is out of the house and divorce has been filed.

 

He TOLD you he wants to marry you. Yet he has yet to make the steps to actually be able to. (And that would be a horrible idea anytime soon). That isnt to say that he doesnt see a future with you and you guys couldn't go on to be married and love happily ever after. It can happen. But just be careful of empty promises and WORDS. Because it is easy to just spit out those words. VERY easy. Especially for a known liar and manipulator. It is what they do best. And no, you arent so important that he wouldnt do it to you. He'll spin it all in a way so you can understand and empathize. But all it does is hurt you. Just pay attention to those things.

 

My xWH wanted CC after I filed for divorce. There was no way. Typically people in CC are trying to SAVE a marriage. The CC they are seeing is going to be on the side of marriage. My WH tried to say that we could use it to learn how to effectively co-parent together. My thought was we can get there when it presents itself as a problem.

 

His actions dont seem to bode well for him leaving. Imo.

 

Sorry to be all over the place. I'm on my phone and it doesnt allow me to scroll to add in thoughts.

[BTDT2012]

He didn’t leave me when I went through my divorce.

 

 

Did your husband know that you were having an affair?

[elaine567]

We both agree we wouldn’t move in together or even me meeting his kids until the divorce is completely done and they have had time to adjust.

 

I’m having a hard time thinking of just leaving him during the worst time of his life. He didn’t leave me when I went through my divorce. I mean We have been together for 2 and a half years. That has to say something and for me to just say well I know I love You and you love me but since your wife knows now you obviously are not going to be in the right emotional state to handle a relationship anymore even though we have talked about the future.how can I leave him knowing he wants to one day marry me. What kind of friend does that.. we would just be miserable. I just Don’t know.... again a lot will be told at the beginning of the year. He has said that Christmas is not the time to tell the kids and I agree.

 

 

Future faking is very very common in affairs.

Many men enter into affairs for "extra", extra sex, extra love, extra excitement, extra romance, extra fun, extra attention, extra validation... etc.

They are not looking for a replacement wife, they have one of those already. Many men choose married women to have affairs with as it reduces complications. She is not free, she also wants it kept hidden and it is nice and "safe", it can all stay in fantasy land.

Then she gets a divorce... she wants "more", so in order to keep her on board he has to step up his game. He starts promising stuff, real stuff ... stuff he finds increasingly difficult to keep.

This was just a bit of fun, now he has to think of his hurt wife and kids, separation, divorce... loss of assets, and then... taking on some other guy's kids...

he starts stalling...

[BaileyB]

You are not "leaving him." You are giving him the time and space to get his stuff together, to grieve the loss of his marriage, and to care for his children. To me, that is actually the kind and respectful thing to do - for everyone.

[madi1031]

No my husband didn’t know about the affair.

 

BaileyB - how long were you with him before he got a divorce... how long did y’alls affair last before he left?

[BaileyB]

We didn't have an affair. Sorry, if I wasn't clear. My story is a little different, I wanted to offer it because I wanted you to consider the fact that he has things he needs to sort out - for himself, his wife, and his children. He needs the time and space to do that, IMHO. I'm concerned that if he doesn't have that, your relationship will not last.

 

My guy was separated and the divorce was in process for over 2 years. When we first met, I thought he was "divorced" - I can't remember exactly what he said, or if that was my assumption. As we got to know each other, I learned that they were just signing the papers. But, she was out of the house and the marriage had been "over" for years...

 

When I learned the truth, every warning bell was going off for me that he wasn't ready, but my friends encouraged me to see what happened. I remember the day he told me that the papers were about to be signed, I felt sick. I wanted to end it right there, but my friends convinced me not to make an impulsive decision. He was about to be "single." Looking back, I should have listened to my gut and walked away. When he told me that he needed time - I was sad that things were not different, and sad that we wouldn't get a chance to see if it would work out. But, it felt like a relief because I knew where he stood, and I was not interested in dating a man who was not available or in a good place for a relationship. I thanked him for his honesty because he could have strung me along... But, he didn't. To me, it was the kindest thing he could have done.

 

The good news, he contacted me a year and a half later and we have been together now for almost three years. Three of the happiest years in both of our lives.

[anika99]

Thank you for the advise. I know You are right... I just Need to be strong enough to do it. When she found out we both actually talked about separating while he goes through the divorce process just for the fact it will be a long painful process... that lasted two days... ugh it was just so hard not having him in my life everyday and the same for him. We both wanted to stay in contact. <SNIP>

 

I agree that leaving his kids during the holidays would be a crappy thing to do but here's the thing; this didn't just happen. He's been telling you that he's going to leave his family for at least a year now. He could have left long before the affair was discovered and long before the Xmas holidays and he would have done so had he ever been serious about leaving.

 

It doesn't take an entire year of counselling for people to realize that their differences are irreconcilable and the marriage needs to end. If a marriage is really bad and both people are not committed to fixing it then marriage counselling tends to bring that to light very quickly. Either your MM has never been truthful during the counselling in which case that defeats his supposed plan to have his wife see the marriage as hopeless through counselling or there never was any marriage counselling.

 

In my opinion he was happily enjoying the affair when you threw a wrench in it by leaving your own spouse. You were becoming free and single and he was worried that he was going to lose his mistress. So he started with the false promises and future faking so he could keep his wife and his mistress. He has you believing all sorts of nonsense.

 

The fact that this affair has been going on for over two years doesn't bode well for you. There are exceptions but of the success stories I've seen involved the affair partner leaving their spouse in under a year from the start of the affair, like you left your husband within 8 months. When an affair goes on for years it becomes apparent that the MM doesn't want to leave his marriage, instead he wants something extra to the marriage. He wants a wife and a mistress.

 

Now you still might get him because his wife has discovered the affair so she may kick him out and he will come running to you but that's unlikely to end well for you two. For one thing, newly seperated men make for horrible boyfriends. They are grieving and their feelings are all over the place. They will use their gf for free therapy and a soft landing while they are still pining for their lost family life. Then they either run back home to their wife or they recover from the loss and start looking to have some fun being free and single. They want to play the field a bit before they get tied down again in another serious relationship.

 

It's even worse if the gf was also the OW while he was still married because she may always represent an ugly painful time of his life that he wants to put behind him. Furthermore she knows the deceit and disloyalty he is capable of and there will be trust issues from the start. If the affair was discovered then there will always be a certain amount of shame in having his OW now GF around his kids and his immediate family and his kids and family will more easily accept a new gf into their fold rather than the OW who represents lies and pain.

 

Maybe you will be the one in a million who overcomes all of these obstacles but I really think you need to prepare for the worst and take steps to move on. I agree with Bailey that the best thing to do is step away while he takes care of his mess. That way you don't become a part of all the ugliness and pain. If it's ends now and then you reconcile with him after he is divorced and everyone is settled into their new lives, I think you will have a much better chance of having a healthy relationship with him.

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Newly seperated men make for horrible boyfriends.

 

And Annika said in one sentence, what I have been trying to say all along.. Well done.

[elaine567]

But she can't step away as she fears he will either just fall back in step with the wife and kids or he will carve out a new single life for himself and will not actually need her any more.

She has to be there guiding him.

But as many OWS find, therein lies the path to misery and "madness"...

[BaileyB]

But she can't step away as she fears he will either just fall back in step with the wife and kids or he will carve out a new single life for himself and will not actually need her any more.

She has to be there guiding him.

But as many OWS find, therein lies the path to misery and "madness"...

 

Indeed. But, it's that old saying... "Let them go. If they don't come back to you, you never really had them in the first place."

 

IMHO, your stock will rise and he may just rise up to do what is required when he realizes that you have enough self respect not to sit waiting for him, not to allow yourself to be used by him anymore.

 

And, if it doesn't... Well then, you lose a deadbeat cheater who was not as committed to you as you thought - best to know that now than to waste any more time on this relationship.

 

IMHO, it's win-win either way.

Edited December 22, 2018 by BaileyB

[madi1031]

???why do y’all make so much sense!!! I know All this and I agree... it’s the doing part that is so hard. We still communicate non stop during the day. We really are best friends. Down to taking pictures of random things during the day.

 

I would Be giving up a relationship that has meant the world to me. I was Ok he hadn’t left because I truely believe that he needed to be there for his young kids. I had A timeline in my head that if he hasn’t left by the time they were 13 then I would take actions to leave... she just found out before then. And now things are sped up. And feelings are hurt. My father left when I was Young and I didnt Want to put his kids through that. My divorce was different there is no way I could Stay mentally. His marriage isn’t horrible they do exsist enough for the kids (however I know That is a not all true stating for the kids isn’t always the best) it’s jist that I fully ageeed for him to stay and honestly I would Still be saying that. The family unit is important and sometime you stay in a marriage until the kids reach a certain age...but that is just my opinion

 

Blah, with all that said I agree He won’t be emotionally available for a long time and I need To accept that and decide do I move On or give him space enough to process things. I just Also think he needs a friend. Someone that understands and doesn’t judge. He has always said that meeting me gives him hope for his future and he needs that now more than ever... to take that away from the person I have Loved for so long right at their darkest time seems cruel.

 

Lots will happen this year.... but I’m strong and will handle it either way.

[elaine567]

And, if it doesn't... Well then, you lose a deadbeat cheater who was not as committed to you as you thought - best to know that now than to waste any more time on this relationship. IMHO, it's win-win either way.

I agree and the OWs who were most successful in getting their man, seem to me to be the ones who refused to accept the nonsense.

They did not wait around like good little OWs, whilst he got on with what it often ultimately boils down to, ie "saving his marriage"...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No my husband didn’t know about the affair.

 

BaileyB - how long were you with him before he got a divorce... how long did y’alls affair last before he left?

 

Do you think the betrayed woman is going to tell him? Does she know your ex? If she does, how much is that going to affect the amicability of your divorce? Your relationship with your kids?

 

This all sounds so messy. The last thing you should expect, no matter what happens with your actual relationship, is that it's going to be smooth or easy. It sounds like it's going to be a really rough and unsettled ride. And probably very financially stressful.

[madi1031]

I have Been divorced for over a year and everything is settled... custody and child support. So no It won’t affect my divorce. I’ve had my papers for well over a year.

 

We live very far apart and she knows nothing about me. I doubt She will do anything... I agree... stressful times for sure. Is he worth it? My answer now is of course... we will see how I feel In a few months.

 

I think What also added to our affair working is we both were comfortable... not just him. I am Extremely independent and take care of myself and my kids I dont Need a man to live with me and to take care of me. He is my friend first and foremost. Someone I talk to constantly about anything and everything. And I appreciated That.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

We live very far apart and she knows nothing about me.

 

How far apart? How did you meet? You HAVE met this man in person, right?

[madi1031]

Ha yes!! We see each other every other week for a full day and then even spend a few days together every so often. We live an hour apart. He mostly comes to me. Then we text all day about random things and talk on the phone about three days a week.

[Lotus_Luna]

I’ve thought about this situation since it could happen in my future... I feel so strongly about putting the relationship on pause while this sensitive issues are handled.

 

Give him 6 months.

 

Tell him you love him and you want what is best for everyone.

 

If he leaves her it shouldnt be for you but because he knows the marriage is over. When he leaves it should be done without the added stress of your relationship and the guilt associated with it.

 

Tell him that he has 6 months to get it together and contact you again. Youre disengaging to give him the space needed.

 

He’s feeling guilty so he will feel bound to her, you dont want yo be part of that dynamic.

 

If youre single and free to date it will either motivate him to get **** done or give him the space to recover his marriage.

 

If you two are real and so is his love then he will get there for you. And if he changes his mind, you can grieve and move on.

[Wallysbears]

Why are you in love with a man that is married?

 

Are you seeking therapy to figure that out?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I’ve thought about this situation since it could happen in my future... I feel so strongly about putting the relationship on pause while this sensitive issues are handled.

 

Give him 6 months.

 

Tell him you love him and you want what is best for everyone.

 

If he leaves her it shouldnt be for you but because he knows the marriage is over. When he leaves it should be done without the added stress of your relationship and the guilt associated with it.

 

Tell him that he has 6 months to get it together and contact you again. Youre disengaging to give him the space needed.

 

He’s feeling guilty so he will feel bound to her, you dont want yo be part of that dynamic.

 

If youre single and free to date it will either motivate him to get **** done or give him the space to recover his marriage.

 

If you two are real and so is his love then he will get there for you. And if he changes his mind, you can grieve and move on.

 

Agree. But I think we all know what will happen. And she left her own marriage for him (even if she says she didn't). I'm sure that feels quite unfair. But it's the gamble you take.....

[Lotus_Luna]

Agree. But I think we all know what will happen. And she left her own marriage for him (even if she says she didn't). I'm sure that feels quite unfair. But it's the gamble you take.....

 

I dont know how long she’s been with this man or the nature of the relationship.

 

I have been in an on/off affair for almost two years. We have never discussed leaving for the other. We dont talk badly about our spouses (he knows I dealt with domestic abuse but is not my sounding board). We see one another almost daily, we share a community, mutual friends and career paths.

 

When/If she finds out I plan to exit his life. I love him dearly but I want him to decide what he wants seperate of me. If the relationship is legit 6 months to a year away wont stop it. I have an entire life planned wothoit him. I am strong enough to know I can live without him.

 

She has yet to find tbat conviction and strength. She is still feeling she cant go on withoit him and the relationship.

 

She is single and that gives her the upper hand.

[madi1031]

I did Not leave my marriage for him... I actually Wasn’t in love with him at that time. While I concidered him a great friend I was Fine not seeing him after my divorce. We continued talking and seeing each other and I grew To love him. We have the same kind of personality, humor and understanding of the world. Do I feel Bad he is married! I thought About his wife on occasion and at times tried to end it but never could. I guess I’m not strong enough and now I’m in too deep and while yes maybe giving him space to figure out what he wants is best... he keeps telling me he doesn’t want his marriage and wants to be with me... he is actually looking at apartments next week. I want him to get a separation agreement before he moves out because I know How much his kids mean to him. I dont Think it is wise to move out before something is in place concerning custody.

I know An affair is wrong but there are sooo many things that happen in life that just are complicated. I dont Know what will happen but I am Strong enough to ge through anything.

 

I also Think at this point he is more worried about me leaving him because I am Single and I dont Have to go through this with him. But again... he is my best friend and I just Am having a hard time leaving him when he needs me the most

[madi1031]

Also we never spoke badly of our spouses... and I’ve been with him for about 2 and a half years. I left My husband 8 months in. I have Been on other dates and tried to move on but I always Thought of him. While I wasnt Intimate with other guys I have Been on many dates to see if I could Move on... the bond we have as friends is what keeps me. The communication throughout the day. The way he can just make me laugh when I’m having a bad day is what brings me back.

 

Like today I had A horrible experience at the airport and all I had To do is text him and he makes me feel better?*♀️

[Prudence V]

he is my best friend and I just Am having a hard time leaving him when he needs me the most

 

So don’t.

 

It’s common advice here to walk away while the MM is busy separating/ divorcing, and let him come hunting for you when he’s done. I don’t know what proportion of people who advocate that have tried it themselves and had it work for them though - so it may be a myth. Or it may be a means to break you up, put about by people who think As and those who have As are evil. Or, it may be a naive suggestion based on what is assumed to be common sense. Either way, I’d like to see the stats before making a call on that.

 

My own experience was different. It’s just one datapoint, but it’s a datapoint based on actual experience, which actually worked out. I was also told he’d never really leave. And when he was leaving, I was also told to walk away and let him come looking for me. I didn’t. What I did was make clear what my needs were, so it didn’t become all about him, and I didn’t get sucked into a vortex of him and his divorce (they’d been together 30-ish years, had a kid of custody-battle age, co-owned a house, etc.) Also, in the UK, there is no “no fault” divorce and so it’s always a long and bitter process. But no, I didn’t walk away.

 

And yes, she knew about us - he told her, when he told her he was leaving. It was also this time of year, and he also needed to wait - to find somewhere appropriate to move to, etc - but we kept our R at it’s normal level, and didn’t scale it back. She needed to see he was serious, and that her threats weren’t working, and everyone needed to know where they stood. No fake promises. When he found a place, they moved out (him and kid) and later I moved in with them. The D took the time it took - she dragged it out as long as she could - but eventually he was free of her. We married, and have been happily together ever since. It’s many years now - and no regrets.

 

I can’t say if it will work out for you or not. But I can say you know your own situation far better than random people reading on a message board. If something feels right, and authentic, to you, don’t be swayed by some folksy advice based on nothing more than someone’s biases. Do what works for you. Take responsibility for your own choices and their consequences, and live the life that feels best to you. If you want to walk away, or feel you need to to protect yourself, then do so. But if you feel that would be wrong, and that as a friend you need to stick around and provide the same support you received, the do that. You have to live with the outcome of your choices - people reading here don’t. Do what works for you.