Coworker rain check

[mortensorchid]

Started a job this fall at a boarding school as a morning proctor (I see the kids off from the dorm, give them prescriptions or over the counter meds based on their needs for the day, do office work once they're off to school, sometimes substitute teach across the way if they need me, etc.). I became friendly with another teacher there, an okay guy, he also lives in the dorms. At Thanksgiving break I proposed that we go out for breakfast. I am NOT INTERESTED in him as a dating situation, but we're friendly enough, we can be a bit friendlier than others I guess.

 

I proposed that we should go out for breakfast on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. He said sure. He said via text on Monday before his plans changed and he would be leaving on Tuesday rather than Wednesday as originally thought so he was going to rain check. I said okay. I proposed we should go out today (the Friday before winter break) and he said okay. We texted a bit for business reasons before, he said he had agreed to the rain check and he said he wanted to either go to this place or another, I said I would check out their menu online. I saw him before he left and he was taking out a bag full of stuff, I asked what that was for, he said it was for a gift exchange. At about 10:30 this morning about a half hour or so before we were to leave and my shift was to end, he said via text he was really sorry but they were doing a gift exchange then he needed to go home and pack up his stuff and then he's going out with other teachers for lunch. He said "I promise I'm not avoiding you when we do grab breakfast I will pay for it." I responded "Alright have a wonderful break and see you when we get back." He texted back "you have a good break too and I look forward to stories when we get back".

 

I am ... Not happy. It made me depressed. Just because he could have said no to it, today was obviously far busier than he lead me to think it was going to be. I will leave it with him to arrange another time, which he won't most likely, because he either doesn't care or is trying to tell me he's not taking this seriously. It makes me sad to think that I reached out for a human connection and was shot down.

 

Am I wrong?

[Artdeco]

I’d say it depends. If he cancelled on you because he had to wrap gifts for a gift exchange with his colleagues, which are also your colleagues, that will be painful. But I don’t know what he’s referring to when he mentions other “teachers”, but it seems likely to me that these are other teachers from your school, and if I were excluded, that would hurt me deeply. Other than that, sure it’s not very flattering if somebody agreed to a lunch/dinner and then cancels last minute. But then again, if it’s not a date-date you just brush it off and wait for the next “date” he is suggesting.

 

But generally speaking, I really don’t understand from your OP if it’s an “I feel excluded” post, or if it’s an “I feel rejected” post.

[Ronni_W]

<snip> I proposed that we go out for breakfast. I am NOT INTERESTED in him as a dating situation, but we're friendly enough,

Perhaps he feels the same way about you as you do about him -- ONLY INTERESTED in a platonic friendship -- but he doesn't know your goal/level of interest, so he's afraid of 'leading you on'.

It does not excuse his last-minute cancellations, but it might explain it.

 

If you wanted to get it sorted out, then, in the New Year, you could make a point of having the conversation with him, to let him know that you were not pursuing him romantically.

 

To me, without actually making the effort to find out his side of it, it seems non-constructive to just decide to put it in context of "I reached out for a human connection and was shot down."

From his perspective, it might have been more of having consideration: "I don't want to lead her on, so perhaps just bailing now will be easier on her in the long run."

[basil67]

I'm confused by your comment about him "not taking this seriously". What exactly is he supposed to be taking seriously? There's no romantic interest either way and otherwise, I can only see a friendship.

 

And for the record, it's OK to for friends to cancel on each other....with the proviso that they set another date in due course. People get busy or tired or whatever and a good friend understands that.

 

Are you attending the big staff lunch?

[mortensorchid]

No I was not attending it because I didn't know about it. I don't feel "excluded" but I feel like he was saying that he was putting a priority on others before me when this was supposed to be a rain check. And like I said it wasn't a date, it was a friend thing. But... there is also priority on friendship and this is telling me that he doesn't have a priority on this. So... I guess I will let him make the next move.

[basil67]

Yes, it's disappointing when someone cancels on us. Would you say that the two of you have become close enough for him to give you priority yet? The way I read it, it sounds like a fledgling thing at present.

 

I think friends can operate differently too. While you want a friend who gives you priority, other people value friends who give flexibility. The person who is flexible will find the other 'needy' and the one who wants priority will find the other 'flaky'.

 

You can look for compromise, but you can't make a person who values flexibility OK with someone who expects priority.

[NuevoYorko]

Well ... this is a little complicated. You and he don't have a relationship. You are "friendly" but not really friends at this time, right? Having breakfast with a co-worker with whom one has a friendly rapport will rarely be a priority. That's not meant as a negative; it's just the kind of thing where people will decide to grab a bite because it's convenient for both and neither one has any plans or obligations that take precedence.

 

Honestly, now that it's the holiday season I've been reflecting on how I fail to make time for even the friends who have been close to me over the years. You might have better luck making this happen when Christmas is over.

Edited December 22, 2018 by NuevoYorko

[mortensorchid]

We are now back from break. I have seen him twice just in passing as usual but... we have not talked at all. I was kind of hoping that we would today as we were going to have lunch break at the same time. But we ... didn't. He sat at the other end if the table. Not disappointed but this goes with my feelings of isolation and depression that comes with winter and this time of year. Being in education is rough - you are very isolated.

 

But as for me and him? I will just let it stand. There are bigger things at work with my issues.

Edited January 9, 2019 by mortensorchid
Adding more / closing

[preraph]

Just quit inviting him. Be polite and professional and that's it. The ball is in his court. He's obviously giving you low priority. He's just a friend at work. They are reliably fickle, so just put him away on the backburner unless he does something to prove he wants to be friends.

[mortensorchid]

Just quit inviting him. Be polite and professional and that's it. The ball is in his court. He's obviously giving you low priority. He's just a friend at work. They are reliably fickle, so just put him away on the backburner unless he does something to prove he wants to be friends.

 

Yes I will not invite him out again. I will let him ask for him to cash in that rain check, it's just a lost cause. This adds to feelings of loneliness and isolation but better to be by myself than to be disappointed by someone who doesn't want to make an effort with me no matter how many times I make one towards them. I will just be friendly polite and professional towards him from now on.

[mortensorchid]

This is an old thread, but I am still kind of reeling from it which I posted in the business/professional relationships area. But I wanted to update on this as this guy was really disappointing.

 

I took the advice of one of the posters Preraph who said just quit inviting him. And I decided that was the right thing to do, that this was a lukewarm relationship if that and the ball was in his court as he had canceled twice on me. So I did not invite him again, I decided that he could bring it up and he could make the next move. He didn't.

 

Slowly but surely our relationship started to disintegrate. We texted each other a few times for business reasons, then a few personal. About a month and a half ago, he stopped responding to my text messages if they were either business or personal. On the last day before summer break, I got a call from the HR department and they said they were eliminating my position for next year and I would not be returning. I went to our end of the year party for our dorm staff and told them, the two bosses seemed to be surprised to hear this. I said to him (the guy I am referencing) that I won't be coming back next year, so now we can be actual friends like on social networking and things. There were a few other teachers who were not on the dorm staff who came to the party, they clearly had a friendship with the others on the dorm staff that went outside of work. I sent all the staff friend requests (as I do not do social networking with coworkers, learned that the hard way), and ALL OF THEM rejected the requests. Including him. I texted him once and said I had started my summer job on Monday, he never responded. A few hours later, I texted him again "I take it by your silence that you're not interested in maintaining a relationship of any kind anymore. Best wishes and happy trails."

 

That was two weeks ago, I have not heard a word from him or any of the staff there, except for the cleaner on weekdays, she was a nice lady. Coworkers certainly are not friends, at least on my part they are not. Sad. But, life goes on.

[JuneL]

I think I asked in your other thread, but did they blatantly reject your request, or just ignore it?

[JuneL]

Apparently, I got yet another “ignore” if not a blatant rejection for my question

[alphamale]

Apparently, I got yet another “ignore” if not a blatant rejection for my question

 

[mortensorchid]

I think I asked in your other thread, but did they blatantly reject your request, or just ignore it?

 

They rejected them. No one responded to texts and I said "Well, that's that". But that's life.

[preraph]

Look, sorry. I don't know what's going on that no one wants to be friends. I will say that work people usually do not want to be real friends, just work friends, and usually do not keep up with you and become real friends once you're gone.

 

Once someone is indifferent to you, you shouldn't continue to try to get them to be friends with you. You set yourself for more rejection.

 

I don't know what it is that makes people distance themselves from you. The only thing I've noted in the distant past is that you are critical of others and also quite blunt telling people things when it's not polite. That was on a very old thread.

 

You may have some filter problems where you truly can't tell if something you say would put someone off. I wonder if some therapy would give you some insight and maybe put you on the road to changing whatever personality issue is causing people to not want to stay involved. On here, you seem intelligent and well intentioned, and as I said, I've only seen glimmers of something harsher that could make people mad. But that may be more evident in person, so it would be good to find out.

 

Sorry you're down about it. Yes, it is depressing. If you ever get in a situation where it would be easy, get a dog. (house with dog door) They will never disappoint and always love you and are the best company.