In a marriage with no sex for a decade - at the end of my rope

[JohnCrichton]

My wife and I went out for a few years and we had instant physical chemistry - the sex was multiple times a week and it was passionate - we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

 

When we got married things changed.

 

My wife was too tired to have sex on our wedding night and she wasn't in the mood for sex on our honeymoon - we didn't have sex at all for the whole time with no explanation.

 

Once we got back, sex became a once a week ritual. I was still very interested in sex but she wasn't as much. She still seemed to enjoy our love-making but we weren't doing it as much as before.

 

Once our child was born, the sex became more of a chore for my wife and 3 years later the sex stopped. She completely stopped responding to my initiating sex in bed and wouldn't tell me why.

 

On our 10th wedding anniversary romantic getaway when I tried to make love with her, she told me that we weren't going to have sex that evening - I needed to sort out the problems with our marriage first (she never told me what these problems were but I didn't want to push the issue that night as it had become extremely awkward).

 

A little while later back at home I pushed her for an answer and she told me that I needed to make myself more attractive to her - I had put on quite a bit of weight during the first year of our child's life so this sounded logical to me.

 

I went on a strict diet with exercise and lost a lot of weight and got into good shape - so much so that the women at work were remarking how sexy I looked. It made no difference to my wife.

 

For a long time after that I toyed with the idea that she must be getting her sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere - this turned out to be untrue.

 

Ten years of no sex came and went.

 

Eventually, because we both find this sort of stuff difficult to talk about, I raised my concerns with her. Without me mentioning sex at all, almost immediately she said that she didn't want to have sex with me ever again. She said this wasn't unusual for people who had been married as long as we had but that sounded like nonsense.

 

She told me that she was tired of having bladder infections linked to sex - she had suffered from a few during our time of sexual activity but as far as I know UTI's are quite common and there is stuff you can do to mitigate their occurrence.

 

She also told me that she hadn't ever enjoyed sex with me anyway and that is why we never had sex on our wedding night or honeymoon. This was shocking news to me - we had both very much enjoyed sex (as far as I could tell anyway) during our pre-marriage time.

 

I suggested we go to marriage counseling to try and get help. She refused point blank - she was only prepared to have non-sexual physical contact with me like hugs and platonic kisses - no nudity together and definitely no sex or touch that was related to sex.

 

I tried to get her to try counseling a few times after this but she wouldn't budge on anything.

 

Eventually I told her I wanted a divorce and at that point she agreed to go to counseling.

 

What she told the counselor was that she had over the years completely lost interest in sex and she didn't know why. When challenged about her comment about me needing to become more attractive to her, she said that she had said it because she thought that might help but she hadn't been sure if it would.

 

She also mentioned to the counselor the bladder infections but the counselor, who is a woman that my wife chose, wasn't convinced that this was the real reason for her not wanting to have sex with me.

 

She didn't mention to the counselor anything about her never enjoying sex with me.

 

I can't see how we can proceed from this point other than divorce. It isn't just the physical act of sex I miss, it's the close bonding and connection that only sex can provide - I feel desperately lonely - my wife and I are no more than roommates

 

I would appreciate any constructive advice or comments from anyone.

[Guildford]

Have you told your wife that you are ready to file for divorce if the sex does not improve (and why you need it)? If you told her, how did she react to the news? You need to inform your wife that the status quo will not hold, and if she wants to save the marriage she needs to change her attitude toward sex with you. Ultimatums work, but you must be willing to follow through with it.

 

A monogamous relationship does not just mean that you can't have sex with others, it also places a responsibility on each to provide a good sex life to the other even if you are not in the mood. If one is not in the mood occasionally that is OK, but it cannot go on week after week.

Edited December 22, 2018 by Guildford
misplaced coma

[JohnCrichton]

Have you told your wife that you are ready to file for divorce if the sex does not improve (and why you need it)? If you told her, how did she react to the news? You need to inform your wife that the status quo will not hold, and if she wants to save the marriage she needs to change her attitude toward sex with you. Ultimatums work, but you must be willing to follow through with it.

 

A monogamous relationship does not just mean that you can't have sex with others, it also places a responsibility on each to provide a good sex life to the other even if you are not in the mood. If one is not in the mood occasionally that is OK, but it cannot go on week after week.

 

Thanks for the input. Forcing her to have sex with me kind of defeats the purpose though - it needs to be something she wants to do.

[BaileyB]

Eventually I told her I wanted a divorce and at that point she agreed to go to counseling.

 

It’s funny how this happens...

 

For me, the first red flag was the fact that she refused to have sex with you on your wedding night or honeymoon. That’s not normal for a woman who loves a man.

 

I don’t see any other option here but divorce. A marriage takes two... and you clearly have an unwilling partner. So, it stands to reason that divorce is the only option if you want to have an intimate and sexual relationship with a woman.

 

Quite honestly, I’m not sure how your wife expects to stay married if she continues to refuse sex. Frankly, I’m amazed that you didn’t get an annulment after the honeymoon...

 

Good luck to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ten years of no sex came and went.

 

As puzzling as her refusal to have sex is, the real mystery is why you'd stay for years in a sexless marriage. This isn't good for you, her or your child.

 

Time to start the rest of your life, she's made her position clear. Get a lawyer and begin the process. Life's too short...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

I'm amazed that you've stayed? Why waste your life?

 

That's all you're doing.

 

You need to stop living on hopium.

[snowcones]

Kudos to you for divorcing her!

[JohnCrichton]

Kudos to you for divorcing her!

 

I haven't divorced her yet. I guess I'm still hoping we can work this out - I just don't know how.

[DKT3]

I haven't divorced her yet. I guess I'm still hoping we can work this out - I just don't know how.

 

It will never be worked out. You say I want a divorce, she says I'll be better. She will have sex a few times then go back to nothing.

 

Truth is, she has said you're not attractive and she doesn't like having sex with you. why would you want to make it better? Just make her gone.

[healing light]

This sounds to me like this woman deliberately hoodwinked you knowing she planned on never having sex after the ring.

 

I don't think there's any other explanation from why you would go from active sex to zero on the wedding night.

 

UTIs are uncomfortable, but you can take d-mannose as a preventative, be sure to always pee before and after sex, etc. to try to reduce their occurrence. Some women are more susceptible than others and require dietary changes, blah blah blah...but this still wouldn't stop me from being intimate.

 

Some women don't get pleasure from intercourse or maybe the sex itself isn't doing it for them but they still feel an emotional need for that closeness. It's not just sex that's missing, it's also affection.

 

She sounds asexual or like she's not and never was in love. You need to leave, there is no fixing this.

[TheRainbow]

That sounds so unfulfilling. It's not normal or should it be normal 10 years into marriage (almost 11 years for me) for sex not be frequent. I know as we get older, have children, and life happens sex becomes less. I went from probably nearly every night the first two years of my marriage to 2 - 3 times a week on average, some weeks more, some weeks not at all. But I would never and would never expect my husband to have to beg for sex. Coming from a woman, it sounds like she has checked out. Sorry

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is simple. Your wife only wanted to get married and literally stopped the moment it was locked in. She was never "in love" but played the game - this is very common. Women are obsessed with the ring.

 

 

I would predict some improvement now that divorce is on the table (after all, she wants to keep "the wife" status). But it will all go back to square one.

 

 

Unless you can happily see yourself living without sex for the rest of your life, then don't divorce her.

[central]

There is only one area for hope, and that's if she has a treatable medical condition, such as a hormone imbalance. If that's not a contributing factor, then I'd say there is NO hope, and it's time to move on if you want a sex life again. Of course, if she won't see a doctor, or won't follow through on a treatment plan, then you'll have a very clear picture of the situation. And frankly, counselling is a waste of time, and only delays the inevitable - been there, done that.

[4fin]

I don't begin to understand how you can love someone and deprive them of the one thing that separates a marriage from any other relationship. All divorce is is a legal dissolution of a marriage. Your wife dissolved your marriage a long time ago. It's just time to make it official.

[elaine567]

I guess your wife never really liked sex.

The lack of wedding night and honeymoon sex was a huge red flag, then came the duty sex and the "conception" sex and then it stopped all together. Recurrent UTIs are miserable but I guess her inherent dislike for sex is the real reason for shutting it down all together.

Seems to me that is it not an uncommon problem, sex to some women (and some men too) is not felt to be necessary in a marriage and they will quite happily continue in relationships based on love, companionship and affection. Hugs, cuddles and kisses may be fine, but no sex...

Where it gets "complicated" is when one party is not satisfied being in a sexless relationship.

 

 

Unless there is some switch (psychological or medical) that can be found to turn your wife into a sexual being and a willing sexual partner, then it is either put up and shut up or divorce unfortunately.

[sabaton]

My wife and I went out for a few years and we had instant physical chemistry - the sex was multiple times a week and it was passionate - we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

 

When we got married things changed.

 

<SNIP>

 

She's not too tired to have you pay the bills. Tell her if she won't have sex with you that you're done with that marriage, then if she continues to do what she's doing or is lukewarm about the sex itself, being boring in bed and not wanting to accomodate your desires - divorce her.

 

Get a good lawyer, make it known to him, that she isn't a deadweight and that she acts more like a roomate than a wife, then take her for everything that has at the divorce court.

 

10 years without sex?? or with sex on and off? My father divorced his first wife after the marriage went sexless for 2 weeks. Unless she's physically sick or having her period and ain't comfortable with that - there's no reason for her to not want sex with you.

Edited December 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

Tell her if she won't have sex with you that you're done with that marriage, then if she continues to do what she's doing or is lukewarm about the sex itself, being boring in bed and not wanting to accomodate your desires - divorce her.

 

OP, the reality of your situation is that monthly duty sex is your upside. At best, she might sleep with you occasionally because she feels she has to in order to stay married.

 

Time (actually way past time) to cut your losses and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

OP, the reality of your situation is that monthly duty sex is your upside. At best, she might sleep with you occasionally because she feels she has to in order to stay married.

 

Time (actually way past time) to cut your losses and move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I totally agree. Ten years is long enough to really know this woman... and the one thing you can be sure about - a healthy and enthusiastic sex life does not interest her in any way... So, you can waste more time hoping for things to change or you can go look for what you want.

 

There are plenty of women out there who enjoy having sex with their partner/husband... It's time to go and find one...

[Marc878]

Living on endless hoping doesn't get you much.

 

It seems like it's become your way of life.

 

Your wife is fine with it.

 

If you change nothing, nothing changes.

[DKT3]

I would consider my wife as an alpha as well, it creates an interesting dynamic.

 

OP simply married a woman who isnt sexually attracted to him. Why she married him, she only knows. But it's not uncommon for females to mate and marry men they are not all that hot for. Usually in those situations they find other things that makes them attractive to them. Be it the way he makes her feel, or how attentive he it. Here, she never found anything.

 

He need to admit this to himself, recognize she isnt attracted to him and make the best decision for himself based on that.

Edited December 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to redacted content deleted

[loversquarrel]

OP's wife isn't cheating on him and he shouldn't be threatening ultimatums or looking elsewhere as it creates a disingenuous environment which in and of itself can cause a build up of resentment. What he should be doing is consequential of her inaction - divorce or separation as she clearly is causing a dysfunctional marriage.

 

[]Women, like men, are very different from one another, some are more loyal and faithful than others, some don't like playing games, some would rather work on a relationship than stray, etc. People in general will respond to consequences that are swift and certain and will get away with whatever you choose to allow. If you think a woman won't cheat on you because you are so called alpha, guess again.

Edited December 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted content redacted

[preraph]

Well, she's the mother of your children, but you don't have to be married to raise them together. She could be gay for all you know, and just can't admit it to herself. She could be just one of those asexual people. There aren't many, but they are out there. It's a thing. I usually side with the women on this, but I think you've done your time and should just divorce whether she wants to or not. She doesn't want anything from you physically. She can have that all by herself and probably actually be a lot happier even if she doesn't think so right now. No tension, no unfulfilled obligation. It will set you both free. The children aren't benefiting from witnessing this no-affection relationship either. It will be hard for them to learn to love.

[Asw27]

Most posters have addressed the sex issue. I would like to mention another angle, which is the biggest red flag in my opinion; and that is the fact that she doesn't seem to have much concern about you. Sex is important in a marriage, but even more important is loving each other; and this includes, in an essential way, caring for the other's well-being. From what you describe, it sounds like your wife doesn't love you.

[pepperbird]

op,

Is it possible that your wife is asexual?

My oldest daughter is. She's drop dead gorgeous, huge blue eyes, long blonde hair, face like an angel. She , quite literally, stops traffic, and has even had modeling offers.

 

She also has zero interest in sex. She likes romance, likes holding hands, etc. but for her, sex is off the table. That doesn't mean she doesn't love every bit as deeply as someone who loves sex, it's just different.

 

She is also upfront about that before she ever accepts even a date. She doesn't want to lead a guy on. It took her some time to accept this part of herself, and she knows it not how most people would want to be.

 

 

Asexuals are out there, and it's not a hormone imbalance or that " you'd like it if you tried it" or "you just need the right guy/some therapy or what have you". Just like someone can be gay, straight or bisexual, she's at the other end of the spectrum.

 

If your wife is like that, all the therapy, hormone pills, whatever isn't going to change who she is at the fundamental core of her being. It's also nothing you did or didn't do. She may not have even realized this about herself when she got married. Some people don't, or they do and feel they need to "mask". Let's face it. Society is highly sexualized, and places a very high value on it. If you're asexual, it can be really hard to not fall in the trap of trying to change who you are, even if it makes you fundamentally unhappy to do it.

 

I would sit down with your wife and have a heart to heart. Ask her if she might be asexual. Give her some time to think about it ( it can be really hard to admit it to yourself) and then revisit the conversation. Bring it up in therapy if you want to have a neutral third party there.

 

If she considers herself asexual, you have some very hard decisions to make together. You can't go on like this, nor should you have to. You also probably don't want to goad her into sex if it isn't want she wants.

 

I will say this. Just because someone is asexual that doesn't mean they are not capable of loving someone every bit as deeply as if they were having sex. If all of this applies to your marriage, how would you feel about seeking sexual release outside your marriage, say with a professional? If that's not for you ( and I can totally understand why it wouldn't be), then, sad to say, you and your wife may well have hit an impasse. I would suggest doing some research online, as there is some out there about asexuality.

 

Of course, all of this may not apply to your wife at all. I'm just putting it out there for your consideration. Whatever happens, I did want to give you kudos for having enough honour to not go behind your wife's back and cheat. I hope, whatever happens, your whole family is able to find happiness.

[Giraffe-A]

Unfortunately, I have heard of this from many of my buddies. It started off heavy with the sex and progressed to moving in status. After getting engaged, the sex started dying down and the marriage date was post poned. The ones that got married said sex ended that very night of the wedding. Kept trying. The ones that never got married suddenly moved out after getting their degree and simply left. Most of them have gone to counseling. Some had ventured out of the marriage and others are getting divorced.

 

The thing is, they only chose these women for that intense physical chemistry and missed all the other red flags. It’s like they were hooked and living like junkies needing a fix. This is not a marriage. You, like my buddies married users.... parasites...I don’t know what to call them. If you threaten with divorce, they will give you sex again. You’ll be happy for a little while and then go back to square one. It doesn’t seem like a good thing.