In a marriage with no sex for a decade - at the end of my rope

[elaine567]

The thing is, they only chose these women for that intense physical chemistry and missed all the other red flags. It’s like they were hooked and living like junkies needing a fix. This is not a marriage. You, like my buddies married users.... parasites...I don’t know what to call them. If you threaten with divorce, they will give you sex again. You’ll be happy for a little while and then go back to square one. It doesn’t seem like a good thing.

 

Are they users and parasite or just women who got married for many different reasons, but sex was not one of them.

I have never heard a woman say she got married for the regular sex, which seems to be a common reason in men...

[JohnCrichton]

Thanks everybody for your thoughtful replies - it is much appreciated.

 

I've known for a while that divorce is probably my only option - I have engaged divorce attorneys already. I highly doubt my wife will change at this stage and as mentioned in a few of the posts, she would give me sex, if grudgingly, to keep from getting divorced. That obviously is not what I want.

 

The issue that I have struggled with most over the last decade is my son. He is a sensitive child and would be heavily affected if my wife and I ended it. Honestly if we were childless this farce of a marriage would have ended years ago.

 

Part of the difficulty of divorcing her is trying to explain to him why we are getting divorced. Although he is thirteen and understands about sex from a biological standpoint, he wouldn't understand why I would leave his mother because of it.

 

But, saying that, I know what I need to do. I just need to work out how to do it with least impact on my son.

[Cersei]

Best of luck!

 

All your son really needs to know is "we are not compatible", He does not Need to know the full details.

[BaileyB]

Part of the difficulty of divorcing her is trying to explain to him why we are getting divorced. Although he is thirteen and understands about sex from a biological standpoint, he wouldn't understand why I would leave his mother because of it.

 

Oh goodness, do NOT tell your son his parents are getting divorced because they don’t have sex anymore. Children need age-appropriate explanations and telling your child that you are divorcing his mother because she won’t have sex with him is not something that any child (or adult child) wants to know.

 

Your sexy life is between you and your wife!

 

When you talk to your son, do it together. Tell him that you have grown apart, and you think you would be happier if you lived separately (that’s the truth, is it not?). Then, tell him what this decision means for him - where is he going to live, what’s going to happen for the custody schedule, etc...

 

Children are resilient. Your son will be ok if you get a divorce - you won’t be the first family to do it, he likely has many friends who have also experienced divorce. Just be sure that you give him some information, but not too much... adult problems are for adults, not children.

[DKT3]

Thanks everybody for your thoughtful replies - it is much appreciated.

 

I've known for a while that divorce is probably my only option - I have engaged divorce attorneys already. I highly doubt my wife will change at this stage and as mentioned in a few of the posts, she would give me sex, if grudgingly, to keep from getting divorced. That obviously is not what I want.

 

The issue that I have struggled with most over the last decade is my son. He is a sensitive child and would be heavily affected if my wife and I ended it. Honestly if we were childless this farce of a marriage would have ended years ago.

 

Part of the difficulty of divorcing her is trying to explain to him why we are getting divorced. Although he is thirteen and understands about sex from a biological standpoint, he wouldn't understand why I would leave his mother because of it.

 

But, saying that, I know what I need to do. I just need to work out how to do it with least impact on my son.

 

Your son will be happiest with happy parents. Secondly and maybe more importantly he is of the age where he is learning what is and how to operate in a relationship. Showing him how to get out of a unhealthy situation in the most healthy way possible.

 

Your marriage is a failure, it is important that you set an example. Sure ideally that would mean figuring it out, but your wife is unwilling, maybe simply not attracted to you. Either way getting to a happy place is best for him.

[DKT3]

Oh goodness, do NOT tell your son his parents are getting divorced because they don’t have sex anymore. Children need age-appropriate explanations and telling your child that you are divorcing his mother because she won’t have sex with him is not something that any child (or adult child) wants to know.

 

Your sexy life is between you and your wife!

 

When you talk to your son, do it together. Tell him that you have grown apart, and you think you would be happier if you lived separately (that’s the truth, is it not?). Then, tell him what this decision means for him - where is he going to live, what’s going to happen for the custody schedule, etc...

 

Children are resilient. Your son will be ok if you get a divorce - you won’t be the first family to do it, he likely has many friends who have also experienced divorce. Just be sure that you give him some information, but not too much... adult problems are for adults, not children.

 

Unfortunately, at 13 only the truth may satisfy him.

[BaileyB]

Your son will be happiest with happy parents. Secondly and maybe more importantly he is of the age where he is learning what is and how to operate in a relationship. Showing him how to get out of a unhealthy situation in the most healthy way possible.

 

Well said.

 

My boyfriends marriage was very unhealthy. When we met and started dating, he told me that he was looking forward to being able to show his thirteen year old son what a healthy relationship looks like - because it was something he had never seen.

 

Someone once told me, kids want their parents to be happy. Be happy! Your son will learn from you and he will be happy too!

[Giraffe-A]

Are they users and parasite or just women who got married for many different reasons, but sex was not one of them.

I have never heard a woman say she got married for the regular sex, which seems to be a common reason in men...

I don’t know what their reasons were. I remember my one friend breaking off a good relationship for this girl with a newborn kid who gave him “the sex of his life.” Loved that she was a screamer, this and the other. By the following week he had moved her in. A few weeks later he said she just quit her job to focus on her school. He was not prepared for that but the sex was so good he let it slide. That lasted a few months before she cut off the sex and she began spending her nights in her son’s room.

 

I had a feeling she was using him and she would leave the minute she got her degree. He didn’t listen, got engaged thinking maybe that's what she wanted. She accepted but kept making excuses not to have sex. It was school, stress, loss of interest. Sure enough, she got her degree. That very day after her ceremony, she packed and left with her son. She called him from the road saying she left and would be keeping the ring.

 

Two other friends did the same. It was similar as them bragging about the best sex they had, the chemistry, etc. They married soon after. The first thing the gals did was quit their jobs without consulting them first. Then the incredible sex stopped. It seems like they were not concerned about anything else other than the sex had stopped. It’s the oddest thing.?

Edited December 24, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[camillalev]

Wow this is terrible. She seems to have absolutely no regard for your well-being either. If your marriage was otherwise good and she just was just... asexual? Then maybe seeing a sex worker or something could be on the table. Never having sex again is just ridiculous.

[4fin]

Wow this is terrible. She seems to have absolutely no regard for your well-being either. If your marriage was otherwise good and she just was just... asexual? Then maybe seeing a sex worker or something could be on the table. Never having sex again is just ridiculous.

 

What makes you think seeing a sex worker is in any way a replacement for sex with your wife who at one point did enjoy having sex with him? If sex were just sex then I guess you could just pay for it but it is not. The last thing I want from anyone I have sex with is that the sole qualification for having sex is the amount of money I have in my pocket along with the long line of other men/women before and after who also met that single requirement. For me personally I find it disgusting, expensive and completely unfulfilling. Sex in the form of a commodity holds nothing for me. Sex in the form of a gift from someone I love who loves me has so many more facets. Once you have experienced that good luck to going back to holding hands. This situation is just awful. I will be damned if I pay my wife to not have sex with me. That's what you pay an x wife to do.

[elaine567]

I don’t know what their reasons were. I remember my one friend breaking off a good relationship for this girl with a newborn kid who gave him “the sex of his life.” Loved that she was a screamer, this and the other. By the following week he had moved her in. A few weeks later he said she just quit her job to focus on her school. He was not prepared for that but the sex was so good he let it slide. That lasted a few months before she cut off the sex and she began spending her nights in her son’s room.

 

I had a feeling she was using him and she would leave the minute she got her degree. He didn’t listen, got engaged thinking maybe that's what she wanted. She accepted but kept making excuses not to have sex. It was school, stress, loss of interest. Sure enough, she got her degree. That very day after her ceremony, she packed and left with her son. She called him from the road saying she left and would be keeping the ring.

 

Two other friends did the same. It was similar as them bragging about the best sex they had, the chemistry, etc. They married soon after. The first thing the gals did was quit their jobs without consulting them first. Then the incredible sex stopped. It seems like they were not concerned about anything else other than the sex had stopped. It’s the oddest thing.?

 

 

OK, some women will use men for monetary gain true, but a long term relationship is about a lot more than just having sex. Most women need more than that.

Maybe these women did not agree that the "amazing sex" was so amazing for her or they found that a relationship based on sex and little else was not enough to sustain a marriage.

[BaileyB]

Wow this is terrible. She seems to have absolutely no regard for your well-being either. If your marriage was otherwise good and she just was just... asexual? Then maybe seeing a sex worker or something could be on the table. Never having sex again is just ridiculous.

 

Ugh. If that was my choice, I think I would happily never have sex again...

 

This man doesn't want sex. He wants to feel loved, to share intimacy, and to have sex wih his wife. That is farrrrrrrrrrr from what he would experienced with the sex trade.

[anika99]

Thanks everybody for your thoughtful replies - it is much appreciated.

 

I've known for a while that divorce is probably my only option - I have engaged divorce attorneys already. I highly doubt my wife will change at this stage and as mentioned in a few of the posts, she would give me sex, if grudgingly, to keep from getting divorced. That obviously is not what I want.

 

The issue that I have struggled with most over the last decade is my son. He is a sensitive child and would be heavily affected if my wife and I ended it. Honestly if we were childless this farce of a marriage would have ended years ago.

 

Part of the difficulty of divorcing her is trying to explain to him why we are getting divorced. Although he is thirteen and understands about sex from a biological standpoint, he wouldn't understand why I would leave his mother because of it.

 

But, saying that, I know what I need to do. I just need to work out how to do it with least impact on my son.

 

But as another poster said, this isn't only about sex. It's also about love and intimacy. Most women who love their husbands would want to make him feel loved and desired. Your wife coldly pushed you away and showed no willingness to discuss the issue or work with you to find a solution. She may care for you in her own weird way but it doesn't sound like she really loves you. That is the kind of explanation you give your son. You tell him that mom and dad care for each other but you don't have the kind of love for each other that married people have and so you both have decided to end the marriage while there is still respect and caring. You certainly shouldn't tell him about your lacking sex life. No kid wants to hear about that.

[JohnCrichton]

I now have enough information to do what I need to do

 

Thanks to everyone who contributed - I appreciate your honest and helpful feedback.

Edited December 26, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed rude response