Author emeraldgreen Posted January 11, 2019 Author Share Posted January 11, 2019 She's loved you for years and you're the one she wants, but she's going to go off with this guy she dated in person for 4 months (and did 4 months long-distance) just because she said so? This doesn't make sense. I don't necessarily think you're being lied to but something is missing here. Rational humans don't behave this way. I know your heart is breaking and I'm very sorry, but at best this sounds like an extraordinary amount of drama that isn't worth the pain. I can only tell you everything I know from my POV. FWIW, she's of Asian culture and at 32 years old, has a lot of family pressure to get married. This guy had a plan and made it happen. Clearly, she has to love the guy. She might drastically understate that to me for my own protection, but at the end of the day, I have to deal with the fact that despite the obvious conflict in her heart, she's not coming back to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 11, 2019 Author Share Posted January 11, 2019 (edited) I feel for you and I am sorry for the pain you are undergoing. I read your thread and somethings are not clear to me. Were you FWBs? Only a few times did we cross the physical line, but I've always told her she's the love of my life. You tell you were friends for 4 years but still both of were you dating other people all the time. Wasn't there any chance to express romantic feelings earlier? You sound fairly young to me. We're not young. We had a false start as a couple, having come out of painful breakups / divorce before that. We fell into the friendzone because it was safe, but seemingly held a candle for each other while dating other people and still leaned on each other for emotional support all these years. I know it sounds like a wasted opportunity, and no one is kicking my ass harder than I am. To me it sounds like she was waiting for you but you were too late. I am not going to make you feel worse, but it's obvious that she respected the man who really wanted to be with her and it's reasonable. Your assessment is spot-on. Don't worry about making me worse. Nobody can. This has been nervous breakdown levels of hurt for me. I have friends calling me around the clock checking on me because they know how much this has broken me. Edited January 11, 2019 by emeraldgreen Link to post Share on other sites
ifstone Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 It's probably small comfort to you emerald, but reading this story does clarify to me how I should act with someone I've got a similar sort of relationship with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 26, 2019 Author Share Posted January 26, 2019 It's probably small comfort to you emerald, but reading this story does clarify to me how I should act with someone I've got a similar sort of relationship with. Do what you gotta do. At least one of us should have a win! Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 Okay, since this thread got a bump the other day, here's a related question. My friend/love knows that I took this whole thing pretty hard and she's given me a kind of scheduled ghosting.. "I want us to stay friends but I know that you need time to recalibrate your feelings, so I'm gonna be quiet a few weeks". True to her word, she didn't even read the reply where I agreed until a week after I sent it. It's been two weeks since her "break" message, and it's not really helping. I don't think it's healthy to assume that even friendship is an option anymore, especially in only a matter of weeks. Once the relationship is out of balance, it's doomed and I know I'll resent anything I hear about her future plans if subjected to them regularly. I can either take over the ghosting if she gets back in touch or I can say goodbye now and properly cut ties with thanks and farewell. What would you do, keeping in mind that this isn't some witch who stomped on my heart, but a person I truly want happiness for (and for me to find mine)? Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted January 27, 2019 Share Posted January 27, 2019 OP I don't have much idea what sort of relationship two of you had been, it's difficult for me to determine through your posts. One thing is clear she is getting married to another man. You have come to a point that friends are checking on you that you would harm yourself. Contact with her is not going to heal you. Go complete no contact, no friendship, no text. That's the only way you can move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 27, 2019 Author Share Posted January 27, 2019 You have come to a point that friends are checking on you that you would harm yourself. Contact with her is not going to heal you. Go complete no contact, no friendship, no text. That's the only way you can move on. Taken on board. I'm certainly not going to do anything to myself. I had a lot of things go wrong at the same time at the end of last year and while I was certainly in a rough spot, I am doing quite well a few weeks out of it, all things considered. The main thing about contact is I want it to be on my terms, not someone else's and I think no contact looks like the best option. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted May 25, 2019 Author Share Posted May 25, 2019 (edited) I just wanted to update this thread in case it helps anyone. My friend resumed contact in February and I was cordial, but it got to be too detrimental to my progress. Euro dude had started text arguments with her over our friendship and despite her reassurance that she'd never let him force her to abandon me, I realised I was still waiting around for him to **** up big enough for her to ditch him. She would talk about their marriage plans but also send me a bikini photo with a message like "have a nice dream tonight". She didn't get that playful for her was hurtful for me. I had been hanging on to some language books I bought her for something she was studying, but I decided 3 months ago to just send them to her. I included a note that said "It's time to say goodbye but I wish you the best. Thank you for everything". I then blocked all portals and let the personal growth begin. I never quite knew when she was leaving to Europe full time, but I guess she got there last week, because I missed a phone call from Estonia which I didn't pick up. Her wedding day is today. It's not going to be an easy one but the future has been written. It's just important to get on board with it. Things that have helped me along the way: Singing practice, language studies, working out, seeing other people, working my ass off, planning travel of my own. Edited May 25, 2019 by emeraldgreen cleaned up grammar Link to post Share on other sites
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