Did I lose virginity?

[Guest]

Hey, everybody. I'm really upset now so I hope all of you can give me some advice. All my life I've listen to people who told me that i was gay and that i acted like a "fag", etc. Well, I never thought I was, but then I started having doubts. So, today, I met a guy today and we kissed. Then, he gave me a bj. I didn't do anything to him, though. I didn't like it at all. I guess I did it so that I could know once and for all whether or not i am gay. I know now that I'm not. But, now when i meet a girl and (hopefully) get married. I want to be able to tell my wife that I am a virgin. I told my best friend about what happened-and he told me not to worry. He said getting a bj isn't losing virginity-that would have to be intercourse. That made me feel better. I want to be able to tell my wife that she is my first. Do you think that would be dishonest or would it be okay to tell her that i am a virgin? I also feel bad because homosexuality is against my religious beliefs. I made a mistake, but I don't feel like I've lost my virginity. What does every else think? by the way, I'm a 23 year old guy (don't know if that makes a difference or not, though). I hope u can offer some words of comfort.

 

 

 

Thanks,

 

 

paul

[Tony T]

Just forget the entire episode and consider yourself a virgin. That status is hardly a big deal anyway.

 

What is a big deal is you telling your best friend you got a blowjob from another guy. That kind of information should be kept to yourself. Even a good friend will be highly tempted to discuss it with others. That is some hot stuff, especially if you are really straight.

 

I also highly recommend that if you are satisfied you aren't gay, you not kiss anymore guys or get blowjobs from them. Frankly, I'm not convinced. I've never heard of a guy who had to kiss another guy and get a blowjob from him to confirm he was heterosexual.

 

See a counsellor for absolute confirmation.

[Miss Mojo]

hi paul,

 

your friend is right - you are a virgin until you have intercourse.

 

when you meet a girl, do yourself a favour and DO NOT disclose anything to her about your past....i'm not saying this because you had an experience with another guy. if this experience had of been with a girl, i would still give you that advice.....what happened before you met a girl is none of her business and it is not important. you would not be dishonest by not telling her what happened....you would be smart to not talk about it...it is ABSOLUTELY none of her business.

 

i would advise you however, (i know this is a lot easier said than done), to not be ashamed of your sexual tendencies. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being attracted to someone of the same sex. i have some really great gay friends, i have some really great straight friends....they're all great people and as long as they're happy, that's all that matters.

 

i just hope that you're not going to deny yourself what feels most natural to you, whether that be homosexuality or heterosexuality.

 

anyway, everything we experience as humans are exactly that - experiences. just put this behind you, and move on. most of us have done things in our past that we're not too proud of, but if you learn from those particular experiences and not dwell on them, then you will find what you want.....if not, then definitely see a counsellor.

 

but don't beat yourself up about it. you haven't done anything wrong....you've hopefully become more sure now of what you want.

 

 

Hey, everybody. I'm really upset now so I hope all of you can give me some advice. All my life I've listen to people who told me that i was gay and that i acted like a "fag", etc. Well, I never thought I was, but then I started having doubts. So, today, I met a guy today and we kissed. Then, he gave me a bj. I didn't do anything to him, though. I didn't like it at all. I guess I did it so that I could know once and for all whether or not i am gay. I know now that I'm not. But, now when i meet a girl and (hopefully) get married. I want to be able to tell my wife that I am a virgin. I told my best friend about what happened-and he told me not to worry. He said getting a bj isn't losing virginity-that would have to be intercourse. That made me feel better. I want to be able to tell my wife that she is my first. Do you think that would be dishonest or would it be okay to tell her that i am a virgin? I also feel bad because homosexuality is against my religious beliefs. I made a mistake, but I don't feel like I've lost my virginity. What does every else think? by the way, I'm a 23 year old guy (don't know if that makes a difference or not, though). I hope u can offer some words of comfort. Thanks, paul

[Guest]

Thanks for your support, Miss Mojo. I guess the reason why im beating myself up so much is because of the way i was raised-in terms of my religious beliefs. i feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. if not for the very strict religious background, i prob. would not have thought twice about it. Thanx again for your advice.

 

 

 

paul

 

hi paul,

your friend is right - you are a virgin until

you have intercourse.

when you meet a girl, do yourself a favour

and DO NOT disclose anything to her about your

past....i'm not saying this because you had an

experience with another guy. if this experience

had of been with a girl, i would still give you

that advice.....what happened before you met a

girl is none of her business and it is not important.

you would not be dishonest by not telling her

what happened....you would be smart to not talk

about it...it is ABSOLUTELY none of her business.

 

i would advise you however, (i know this

is a lot easier said than done), to not be ashamed

of your sexual tendencies. there is absolutely

NOTHING wrong with being attracted to someone

of the same sex. i have some really great gay

friends, i have some really great straight friends....they're

all great people and as long as they're happy,

that's all that matters.

i just hope that you're not going to deny

yourself what feels most natural to you, whether

that be homosexuality or heterosexuality.

anyway, everything we experience as humans

are exactly that - experiences. just put this

behind you, and move on. most of us have done

things in our past that we're not too proud of,

but if you learn from those particular experiences

and not dwell on them, then you will find what

you want.....if not, then definitely see a counsellor.

 

but don't beat yourself up about it. you

haven't done anything wrong....you've hopefully

become more sure now of what you want.

 

 

 

 

[Miss Mojo]

hi paul,

 

i hope i don't sound too intrusive here...but are your feelings of guilt because YOU are religious, or because your family are religious??

 

the only reason i ask this is because i was just curious as to where exactly these feelings of guilt are stemming from.

 

you don't have to answer if you don't feel comfortable. i would totally understand. i was just wondering if it would help shed a bit of light on the issue at hand.

 

in the meantime, i've found a couple of sites you might want to look at in regards to religion and homosexuality:

 

Homosexuality and Religion

 

and

 

Religious Tolerance

 

i understand there has been a problem with links, but the latter site is an about.com site (the first one is from a university).

 

i know religion is a very personal subject, and this isn't a religious forum, but let us know how you go...and i sincerely hope that you can find it in yourself oneday to not feel guilty about this...you're human and just as special as the next person, regardless of what you like and what some people consider "normal" (personally, i don't think there is such a thing as "normal").

 

[Guest]

Well, Miss Mojo. The thing is-I'm not really sure. I was raised to believe that doing something like that was immoral. The problem is-I just don't know. All my life, people teased me and said I acted "gay." But, i never really thought of myself as gay. but i thought, "well, for all these people to say it, it must be true." I guess that's why I experimented with it yesterday. But, i didn't like it. I really want a girl-not a guy. But now, I just feel like I should be ashamed. I just feel so much guilt. I couldn't even sleep last night-and I had this terrible feeling in my stomach. Really, from either side, though, there's no reason to let it bother me that much. I know my atheist friends would say that I shouldn't be upset at all-that it was a learning experience. My Christian friends would say that it was a learning experience but that I need to ask for forgiveness. But, I just don't know if what i did was wrong. The only other thing that bothers me is that i'm afraid that later the guy who-well-did what he did, would say something to someone about it. But, we were total strangers to each other-he didn't even know my name. so, in a couple of years he may not even recognize me. I don't know.

 

 

 

I don't know if what I did was a "sin" or not. Some people say yes and some people say no. I can't just call God up on the phone and ask him-so I guess I'm just left in the dark about it. But, I'm sure I'm not the first guy who has experimented with another guy before. But, well, I guess that overall, I'm upset because what I did seems to violate the religious laws with which my parents raised me. After all, Leviticus 18:22 says homosexuality is "an abomination." But then again, it also says the same thing about eating shellfish, wearing clothing that has more than one kind of fiber, etc. I don't know if I can say they are my religious views or my family's. I know that if I had not been raised a christian, I wouldn't have thought twice about what i did-but well, that's how I was raised. Sorry for bombarding you will all this, but you are obviously a very intelligent woman and I value and appreciate your input.

 

Paul

hi paul,

i hope i don't sound too intrusive here...but

are your feelings of guilt because YOU are religious,

or because your family are religious??

the only reason i ask this is because i was

just curious as to where exactly these feelings

of guilt are stemming from.

you don't have to answer if you don't feel

comfortable. i would totally understand. i was

just wondering if it would help shed a bit of

light on the issue at hand.

in the meantime, i've found a couple of sites

you might want to look at in regards to religion

and homosexuality:

Homosexuality and Religion

and

Religious Tolerance

i understand there has been a problem with

links, but the latter site is an about.com site

(the first one is from a university).

i know religion is a very personal subject,

and this isn't a religious forum, but let us know

how you go...and i sincerely hope that you can

find it in yourself oneday to not feel guilty

about this...you're human and just as special

as the next person, regardless of what you like

and what some people consider "normal"

(personally, i don't think there is such a thing

as "normal").

 

 

 

 

[Miss Mojo]

hi paul,

 

i can't help but wonder if you might be able to alleviate some of this guilt if you do, as you mention, ask for forgiveness. but i guess the whole point of asking for forgiveness is because we know we've done something wrong...and in your eyes, you're not sure if you did.

 

this really is a tricky situation, because as much as i (and this is only my opinion), believe you haven't done anything wrong, i don't come from the same strict religious background as you do. i don't think sexuality is something to be ashamed of *at all*. it is part of who we are, and there is nothing sleazy or wrong with it. sexuality is normal for everyone, whether they be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual or heck, maybe even asexual!!

 

i also believe that *so many* of us have done things (myself included), that cause us to feel racked with guilt afterwards, and ashamed. but i feel a large majority of those feelings stem from what is deemed to be "socially acceptable"....but you made an excellent point when you said: "Really, from either side, though, there's no reason to let it bother me that much"...how very true. not to mention, you know it is something you feel you wouldn't do again....there's a very strong chance you know exactly where you stand now, and that's a good thing....and you're right again - you're not the first person to experiment with someone of the same sex. and if this was all such a bad violation, no one would eat shellfish and wear clothes with different fibres....i have the utmost respect for religion, but that sounds almost crazy doesn't it??

 

and another thing....if this other guy didn't know your name or really know you, you have NOTHING to worry about!! honestly, the most he could do is describe what you look like, which would probably narrow it down to about.....500,000 people!! please don't worry about this. you'd be perfectly safe from rumours or gossip.

 

i personally believe god put us on this earth to make our own contribution in our unique way and to find out who we are. i don't think it's a sin to feel, but that is only my religious viewpoint....the amazing thing is, there are so many religious people out there who embrace homosexuality with an open mind and an open heart.

[Guest]

Thanks, Miss Mojo. I don't know if anyone has ever told you this-but your contribution to this board is simply amazing. You have made me feel so much better. Really, I think most of my guilt and insecurities in life has always revolved around other people. What will other people think about me if I go to this school? Get this job? Experiment with another guy? etc. But, the truth is, it's really nobody's business. I really need to learn that. Of course, it's easier said than done.

 

 

 

One of my best friends was talking the other day about some people whom she knows who are gay. She was calling them "wackos" and "nuts". That just makes me feel so badly, because if I learned anything at all from this-it's that we shouldn't judge other people. We could be in their situation one day, or even if we're not, we are still no better than them. All my life, I've been a people-pleaser, doing whatever it takes to make others happy. But, it just doesn't seem right anymore. The next time my friend starts making comments about gays again, I'm going to say something. I won't be rude, but I'm going to tell her how I feel about comments like that. Who knows? Maybe I can even help her change her point of view about things. Thanks again for your support through this difficult situation. Hey, we all have things in our past that we may not be proud of, but if we make those things learning experiences, instead of holding on to the guilt and pain, then I think we come out as the real winners in life. I don't want this experience to be a heavy rock in the future, holding me down. That is why I am trying my best to deal with the situation now, so that I won't have any emotional "baggage."

 

 

 

Again, your support is greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

Thanks!

 

Paul

[Miss Mojo]

hi paul,

 

thank you for your kind words...they've really lifted my spirits (i'm not feeling very well tonight).

 

i think you're right about your friends attitude. i don't want to sound nasty, but i think she is *incredibly* narrow-minded. it always amazes me the way people can talk about others like that...."this person has their head shaved with a few spikes...they're wacko"...."that person likes to keep snakes as pets...they're wacko"....anything that's not "conventional" really gets to some people doesn't it? how bizarre that they would preoccupy themselves with such trivial crap!! people like that need to lighten up a little, step back and just look at how these people they call "wacko" are no different to the next person...whatver makes them happy, i say. next time your friend brings it up or says a comment like that, just tell her calmly how narrow-minded that is. the strange thing is, if she personally knew someone who was gay, she probably (well hopefully) wouldn't be so quick to judge. she'd probably defend that person because she's close to them. i know my friend had a very tough time coming out. he was so terrified of what his family would think because they were very "conventional". but he's been out of the closet for about 15 years now, and his family are cool with it, except one of his brothers who loves him to death, but is a bit strange about him inviting him "friends" to family functions. that's so ridiculous, because every single male friend i have, who is not in a relationship, has *always* brought a mate to a party or a function with him.

 

i love gay people just as much as straight people. one of my good guy friends is gay, and it's great because he opens up to *everything* with me, and i am not phased in the slightest...we're both very open with each other and never have to worry about either one of us making a move on the other. i think that's part of the reason we're so open...there's no threat of innuendo being taken seriously. that makes absolutely no sense, but it's the best way i can describe it.

 

i just want to tell you how profound your last paragraph was. i think everybody should use that as good advice when they are facing difficult or trying times. and don't forget, your happiness is the number one priority here. you aren't hurting anybody you know, you are a smart guy, and for every mistake we make in life, we do a million things right if we can learn from it.

 

i wish you every happiness paul, and please come back here again to let us know how you are doing!!