Dec 22

[msoptimistic]

Haven’t been here in a really long time simply because the truths that were voiced here were not what I wanted to hear. Kept seeing MM and being checked out of reality for years. But today I am done. Yep, right at Christmas and it hurts way worse than any loss I’ve ever suffered. The fact that there have been strong women in this same place who moved beyond this hell on earth are what will keep me going. My gift to myself is going to be no more worrying about what’s going on when he doesn’t answer, no more checking FB for those heartbreaking posts that tear you up inside, no more hanging onto little tiny things he says like they are an indicator of a future together. I know that time will heal IF I start the process.

Yes I am still married and no my husband does not know the details or the length and I’m not sure if or how much I will tell him. First is going NC. I told him bye today. He thought it was bye till after the holidays (another tearjerker) but I know it was actually bye. No way to minimize the pain and no clue how to deal with the hurt but I am determined it is time. I have not read up on the posts since my last time here but I’m sure there has to be others contemplating getting out with a hope of peace sometime soon. I really need support, encouragement. I need to hear some positives about moving on. I am determined to put him out of my head and put all that energy into reconnecting with H. Any advice appreciated.

[elaine567]

Well done you.

*applause*

[Lotus_Luna]

Haven’t been here in a really long time simply because the truths that were voiced here were not what I wanted to hear. Kept seeing MM and being checked out of reality for years. But today I am done. Yep, right at Christmas and it hurts way worse than any loss I’ve ever suffered. The fact that there have been strong women in this same place who moved beyond this hell on earth are what will keep me going. My gift to myself is going to be no more worrying about what’s going on when he doesn’t answer, no more checking FB for those heartbreaking posts that tear you up inside, no more hanging onto little tiny things he says like they are an indicator of a future together. I know that time will heal IF I start the process.

Yes I am still married and no my husband does not know the details or the length and I’m not sure if or how much I will tell him. First is going NC. I told him bye today. He thought it was bye till after the holidays (another tearjerker) but I know it was actually bye. No way to minimize the pain and no clue how to deal with the hurt but I am determined it is time. I have not read up on the posts since my last time here but I’m sure there has to be others contemplating getting out with a hope of peace sometime soon. I really need support, encouragement. I need to hear some positives about moving on. I am determined to put him out of my head and put all that energy into reconnecting with H. Any advice appreciated.

 

Block him everywhere and purge anything hes given

Start therapy, look into addiction recovery

Have a cry

Get support

 

Tell your husband.... get into couples therapy so you can figure out how to change the marriage for the better.

[BaileyB]

I can think of no better gift you can give yourself, or your family. Well done.

 

Wishing you all the best. I'm sure that 2019 will be a hard but healing year...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You can do this. Big, big hugs.

[Dreamer2017]

You need to give your husband the TRUTH as a Christmas gift.

[Starswillshine]

You've got this!!!! I never thought I could walk away from WH and the 20 years, 4 kids. But I did it. 18 months later, I'm thriving. You can do this!!!

[msoptimistic]

Yes I’m blocking. So many people say 3 weeks and things begin to get better. 3 months and there are signs of normalcy. So for tonight and tomorrow and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I am focusing on a peaceful Christmas in 2019. I think we hear the same terminology on here so much because no one can find words that are powerful enough to express this raw pain. I am trying to visualize myself a stronger person. Strong enough to give my H the gift of honesty. That may take awhile but I want rid of the pain and guilt more than I want to attempt to rebuild a M based on secrets. I also keep telling myself that I am the lucky one. Not his wife like I have thought for years. How did I ever think I could have trusted him? Talk about a fog. I feel like I temporarily lost my mind. I just pray that clarity stays with me.

[Amethyst68]

I want to say congratulations but I had a quick look at your post history.

 

This affair been going on for over 6 years and you've already had a dday wddayth your BH and then one with his BW. The threads are almost always about you going NC, then realising you can't, going LC and then the affair being back on.

 

I don't mean to be harsh but what makes this time so different? I think you need to tell your husband, not only is it the right thing to do but to be honest his devastation may be the only thing that helps you stay NC.

[Abetterme]

OP, offering up support. I have also just ended my 3y A starting no contact a couple days ago after a period of low contact. I knew for a long time it needed to happen, couldn’t dig outmyself and we finally agreed to go our seperate ways with no fanfare.

 

I haven’t read your story and I realize these breaks often end of our own weakness. My story is just as gross as any other but I have come far enough out of the fog to know that I need to put my family back at the center of my universe. Like you, my husband does not know. I am back in IC to determine when/if disclosure is best. I know, there are drastically different opinions on this but only you can know your intentions in moving forward. Mine are to stay no contact and work to rebuild myself.

 

I am choosing to make 2019 about me and am relieved to have the deception, lying, uncertainty, and hurt out of my life. The guilt is a lot to tackle, and there is a mountain of it but I hope you take this new year to do the same. Get real, these ugly things have no other way of ending, we both know this. Block him and regain your dignity. I wish you well.

[shoe.box]

Strong enough to give my H the gift of honesty. That may take awhile but I want rid of the pain and guilt more than I want to attempt to rebuild a M based on secrets.

 

Wishing you luck! Honestly is always worth it in the end.

[msoptimistic]

Excellent point Amethyst and exactly why I left for so long! Truth hurts! I think this time is different because my head is in a different place. I’ve studied, read, analyzed enough information to recognize that it will get better. Also it has hit home even more that he is so untrustworthy. Let me tell you how bad my head had gotten. I was trying to change my circumstances in my world to be more like the life his wife has! Then I realized that if I were in her shoes just how worried I would be every time he was out of my sight. None of that makes it any easier. Today is Christmas Eve and it is the hardest I have ever faced because I do know this is drawing a line in the sand and that crossing it will set me so far back I might never move on. I admit to looking at FB today knowing there was a Christmas family gathering yesterday and yes there was the happy fam pic that we dread every year. I’m trying to get to a place that I don’t have this unreasonable jealousy and dislike of her. Not her fault but for some crazy reason I want to tell her everything so she hurts...for some reason my anger is misguided.

Random thoughts here. Blocking FB again which in reality means nothing cause 1 click and you’re right back on. But I’m telling myself every sing minute to breathe and know that time is going to help. Trying not to cry is the hardest and not being present with my H and kids (even though they are grown) is so very unfair. But I have to find a way to heal because I can’t imagine anyone living with this pain indefinitely. Get through Christmas. Get through New Years and work really hard to keep my mind on anything else.

[Bittersweetie]

Merry Christmas Ms, just wanted to point out (which you probably realize already)... going NC includes not looking at social media. The point is to allow YOU the chance to clear you head and heal, and that cannot happen when you're looking at pictures or comments and it's still getting to you. Maybe you can reset today and if you're serious about NC, start over giving it 100%! It would be a great gift to yourself. Good luck.

[brigit87]

Excellent point Amethyst and exactly why I left for so long! Truth hurts! I think this time is different because my head is in a different place. I’ve studied, read, analyzed enough information to recognize that it will get better. Also it has hit home even more that he is so untrustworthy. Let me tell you how bad my head had gotten. I was trying to change my circumstances in my world to be more like the life his wife has! Then I realized that if I were in her shoes just how worried I would be every time he was out of my sight. None of that makes it any easier. Today is Christmas Eve and it is the hardest I have ever faced because I do know this is drawing a line in the sand and that crossing it will set me so far back I might never move on. I admit to looking at FB today knowing there was a Christmas family gathering yesterday and yes there was the happy fam pic that we dread every year. I’m trying to get to a place that I don’t have this unreasonable jealousy and dislike of her. Not her fault but for some crazy reason I want to tell her everything so she hurts...for some reason my anger is misguided.

Random thoughts here. Blocking FB again which in reality means nothing cause 1 click and you’re right back on. But I’m telling myself every sing minute to breathe and know that time is going to help. Trying not to cry is the hardest and not being present with my H and kids (even though they are grown) is so very unfair. But I have to find a way to heal because I can’t imagine anyone living with this pain indefinitely. Get through Christmas. Get through New Years and work really hard to keep my mind on anything else.

 

The more I read about affairs the more I'm convinced people have affairs with themselves.. Really. Yes. There is another person that you can assign a role to but he really doesn't exist only your false perception of romance that you painted on him.

 

You need to start with that. You are hurt not because of this actual man but because a romantic fantastical dream of yours didn't work. You might have another affair if you don't realize this because there will always be some other guy who wants to have sex. Men who sleep with other mens wives are cowards. They have no honor at all.

 

If you got to choose your own husband and aren't the product of an arranged marriage then don't fool yourself.