Had an affair with a married woman with a child

[OJK]

I had an affair with a married woman who had a 7 month old baby girl. She ended things with me last night. Why get into such a thing in the first place ?

 

I had graduated back in September, as happy I was knowing that I had the World at my feet, I never knew everything was about to come crashing down. I saw her after 13 years. She is a close family friend and she decided to come for vacations to Germany at my parents place. It happened to be that I was there that same day and just like that we clicked.

 

After talking to her for 2 days, we decided to head out for some bars on a Friday night. Things went great, we both kissed each other but I we didn't sleep together. She gently pushed me and said no and I respected her for that. She went back to Australia and decided to contact me from there. She had me right where she wanted me to be. For 3 months we built something.

 

Her husband was the son of a millionaire expatriate based in Japan. He abused her, beat her, took drugs, was drunk almost every night. And at the same time I was falling for her. Without hesitating I decided to ask her if she was willing to leave him and be with me. I was also willing to take her child. I told her that I might not have that type of money but I promised her that I would keep her happy.

 

She wanted some time to think about it. And she finally decided to take action and file for a divorce. I flew to Australia to meet her. When I arrived, I started to get a negative vibe from her. She was hesitant and responding late. As if everything had changed. No more hearts, no more baby, nothing. I stayed at a hotel in her city for 6 nights. The first night she came to my hotel room for 10 mins. Her husband called her twice via facetime and she left. The next 5 days I spent were the same. All she could offer me was 5 or 10 minutes each day and I started to realize that she was never going to leave him for me.

 

I came back home last night and she called me and said that she wanted to end things because she wanted to give her husband her chance. But as I remember, she told me that he will never change, he hasn't in 2 years. He still does drugs, drinks alcohol and beats her, yet she doesn't want to file for a divorce just because she has a daughter with him.

 

 

Where does this leave me ? I am heartbroken because I fell in love with her and just like that she ended everything. I never had any bad intentions and it feels like she ripped out my heart...

[El Duendecillo]

Where does this leave me ? I am heartbroken because I fell in love with her and just like that she ended everything. I never had any bad intentions and it feels like she ripped out my heart...

 

 

This leaves you free to move on with your life, and find a woman that's not married, who really wants to have a relationship with you.

 

The fact that you were fine cheating with a married woman is concerning enough..

 

but you obviously took this brief emotional affair/fling far more seriously than she did. You ruined the fantasy by showing up in her city. It's doubtful this woman was ever really interested in you romantically, she was seeking attention from you and that is all. You are correct that she never planned on leaving her marriage for you.

 

You have no idea what her actual relationship is like with her husband, nor is it really any of your business. If you are using his alleged abusive behavior towards her as an excuse to justify your wanting to participate in cheating with a married woman, that still does not excuse your actions. She's married.

 

Sorry for the heartbreak you are feeling, but you brought this on yourself. Imagine the heartbreak this woman's husband would feel if he knew what his cheating wife, and you, were planning before she broke it off?

[Mrs._December]

Ok, so you met a woman on vacation who was looking for a fling while away from the hubby. She made it pretty obvious when she sexually hit on you but you didn't take the bait.

 

She then continued the fantasy once she went back home, romancing you from afar via computer and phone, claiming her husband was the son of a millionaire but he's abusive and he beats her and he's a junkie and on and on and on. Who knows if ANY of this is true? Seriously.

 

Sorry, but it's painfully obvious she was enjoying having a youngin' fawning all over her, ready to slay a dragon or climb the tallest mountain for her. And the more she laid it on to you about being beaten and abused, the more of a reaction she got out of you. That's heady stuff for a bored housewife and you provided quite the fantasy escape for her from her everyday boring life.

 

I'm going to let you in on a secret. TRULY abused women are barely able to leave the house without their husbands controlling every second they're gone, yet this abused wife was having the time of her life with you in Germany - which is not only another country, but another continent! How amazing.

 

Your mistake was falling for this story and then riding up on your white steed to rescue the damsel in distress when she really didn't need rescuing. Who stays with a junkie who beats her? Her story is full of holes.

 

You got taken, pure and simple. She took clear advantage of your naivete.

Edited December 23, 2018 by Mrs._December

[OJK]

Thank you for the replies.

 

She still has feelings for me, she doesn't even deny that and told it herself.

 

The issue here is the child. She knows that the husband won't leave the child and she can't leave the child herself. This makes it extremely hard to file for a divorce. She wishes things were different and also thinks a 7 month baby would be a big burden for me for a guy at my age. She doesn't want me to ruin my life and wants me to move on and find someone else. Though she still contacts me and replies me.

 

About the beating, I know the guy personally. As I said, she is a close family friend. The guy she got married to is my cousin's best friend (childhood classmates). He takes drugs and drinks alcohol on a daily basis, that we know. We also know that he beats her wife who happens to be the daughter of my my dad's best friend and the one who I fell in love with. The beating is real because every time he beat her, she used to call me 3 or 4 am in the morning, crying and telling me about it. Even my cousin saw the bruises on her face and arms.

 

She says she knows what she is doing. She doesn't want her baby girl to struggle through a divorce. She still wants to mend things with the husband and if it doesn't work, then she has no idea what to do. She doesn't basically know what will happen.

 

I made my peace with this, knowing for a fact that I met an amazing person, fell in love with her and so did she. But now I just have to move on.

[BaileyB]

Yes, you must move on.

 

It was unwise to ever get into a relationship or think you could have a future with a woman who is married to another man - particularly when they have a child and he is a drug using, abusive, very wealthy man.

 

She is fool to go back to her husband. You can't "mend things" with a man who is using drugs and abusive towards his wife. She is putting her daughter in an unsafe situation. But, as you have learned, it is her decision and you have no control over this situation.

 

Best to get yourself out of harms way - the last thing that you want is an angry husband coming after you because you are somewhere you do not belong.

 

I'm sorry, it's a tough lesson to learn and you have learned it the hard way.

[Giraffe-A]

Welcome to our sinking boat. Plug a hole or grab a paddle.

This is honestly not the top of the world for you or anyone. The reocurring theme here is how spouses are bad yet can’t leave. This husband, for all you know, got a little loud when they argue, drinks Scotch to take the edge off and takes aspirin for back pain. Never believe the negatives that a spouse says of the other. Asking her to leave her comfort for you is drastic. Financial comfort always wins despite the alledged treatment.

Find a girl who has good things to say about her world. You’ll be okay.

[Miss Clavel]

i find this whole thing alarming. she is a battered woman. with a tiny child. the door is open(you) she's in front of the door and she can't walk out. and that's what she has to do, walk out.

 

she needs to be sure she and the baby will make a firm landing. she's tortured by the idea that her baby won't have a father. wont have what every child deserves, both of their parents, together.

 

if she leaves, she is breaking up the "family". she must have loved him once. she seems to think he might change. and wouldn't that be grand, she wouldn't have do actually do anything.

 

not gonna happen. alcoholic wife beaters almost never change on their own. he has an obsessive compulsive relationship with alcohol and attraction/repulsion with violence.hopefully, violence repulses him. either way the violence will escalate. and i'd let her know that. as hard as it is to believe about our fellow man, once they hit their wives, they will likey hit their children.

 

so she looks at the door, she stands in front of the door. not going out, not closing it. over and over.

 

im sure you know that the most dangerous time in a battered woman's life is right when she leaves. but does she know that?

 

and that's just how i'd put it to her.

 

help her to find all the state, federal and local help you can. find the experts and talk to them about how she should leave, safely. and where she should go.

 

because, where ever she goes, with his baby, he's sure to get drunk and follow her and harass her. whoever takes her in has to know that. they might be in danger also, her husband's unstable.

 

do the battered woman agencies reccomend that she hides her whereabouts from him? find out.

 

 

 

it's scary.

 

 

which is why she is saying, she can't, you should move on and find someone else. you might go thru hell to be together but that might not happen. and surely you would not want to go thru all this with her and then have her feel obligated to commit to you.

 

i mean do you really know enough about her to know she's the one? it doesn't sound like you spent a lot of time together getting to really know one another.

 

so keep the white knight rescue fantasy in check. for your own sake.

 

you guys have a lot to talk about.

[OJK]

Miss Clavel I really appreciate the answer.

 

To be honest, I just turned 30 just a few weeks ago. Is this something I wanted ? Heck no. I also want kids of my own, someone who is willing to give me the time I deserve. I tried to leave her twice in the span of 3 months and every time she pulled me back in.

 

September: She told me that she will always think of me no matter what happens and that she is glad to have met someone like me. I started to come into senses that this might never happen and I wrote to her if she wanted to finish this, now is the chance. But she never did it. She pulled me back in saying: He hasn't changed in 2 years and she doubts he will ever change. He spends all of his nights with his friends (Monday-Sunday), drinking, playing cards. She suspected him of taking drugs and then he was aggressive with her. Too many arguments, and she wasn't happy. She told me that she will wait till December and then leave him and her child with him. I then stayed and continued having the relationship.

 

October: She started to get attached to her daughter. She said she would never be able to live without her and I told her if this is the case, I am willing to take them both. And still she says that she will wait it out till December. Now her older brother already knew about what has been going on, he already knew about it even before I met her. She now wanted to tell her dad but slowly. You see she has an older sister who is also divorced and has a 14 year old daughter living at home and she thought that her dad would not be able to deal with this, he has already a heart condition. During this month, her hubsand rapes her even while she said no to him. She calls me 3 in the morning telling me about it. Why would she do such a thing if she wasn't serious ?

 

November: He beats her, she gets bruised up and leaves her house. Goes missing for a day and then finally contacts me. She tells me that if she spends 6 months more with this guy she might commit suicide. She again tells me that she will wait it out till December before she pulls the plug. I again decided to pull away from her but she pulls me back in. It was getting hard on me and I should had left back then.

 

 

Note: During the span of these 3 months, she made something very clear to me. She didn't make any promises with me that she will definitely leave the husband and be with me. She always wanted to mend things with her husband BUT already knew that this was impossible. Why ? Because she had already spent 2 years with him and he didn't try then so why would he now. She also said that she will at a point leave him if this continues like this. Which is why I decided to continue this.

 

So I finally went to meet her in December. It was a bad encounter to be honest. We argued a lot and in 6 days it was like the end was near. We spoke 4 times on the phone right up till now and she gave me 4 different stories.

 

Phone 1# (The day I was leaving the hotel): She was mad at me because of the way I reacted. I was being rude and frustrated that I couldn't spend time with her. And she wanted to spend time with me but it was hard for her to leave her kid behind and spend multiple hours with me. She now told me that this is how things are going to be if I decide to meet her in her city because she couldn't do anything about it. So I can decide to continue this or leave her, that was a choice she gave me.

 

 

Phone 2# (When I got home): She was hurt still because of the way I reacted. She thought she might never be able to forgive me for what I had done. Because I accused her of making excuses for not giving me time. And now she stopped initiating contact with me.

 

 

Phone 3#: She wanted to end things because she wasn't feeling anything. Both me and her agreed that we can't force someone into a relationship. But I convinced her that the person she met was not me. I was spending 6 nights in a foreign country, city and I couldn't help but assume that she was avoiding to see me. Somehow I felt that she had forgiven me but she hadn't and she agreed to talk to me to fix things.

 

 

Phone 4#: Now her story completely changes. She has feelings for me still but now she still wants to end things because she doesn't want to cheat on her husband anymore. She tells me this because there is no other way for her daughter to have both of her parents along side her. She has never cheated or has acted the way she did and now she is feeling the guilt. Despite whatever her husband does and did with her she wanted to give him time now. So she started to spend time with him for the sake of her daughter.

 

 

So now she has ended things with me. There are a lot of question marks ? I don't really know what has happened and it makes me feel sad because I actually loved this person and she couldn't even give me a clear cut answer as to why she wanted to end things with me. She hasn't blocked me on anything and still replies to my texts whenever I send her one.

[OJK]

i find this whole thing alarming. she is a battered woman. with a tiny child. the door is open(you) she's in front of the door and she can't walk out. and that's what she has to do, walk out.

 

 

Sorry for the long reply

[BaileyB]

She told me that she will wait till December and then leave him and her child with him. I then stayed and continued having the relationship.

 

October: She started to get attached to her daughter. She said she would never be able to live without her and I told her if this is the case, I am willing to take them both.

 

Dude. I'm sorry to say this, but are you really this obtuse? A good woman doesn't leave her child. She especially doesn't leave her child with a man who is a physically abusive, negligent alcoholic. You should seriously question the character and the judgment of a woman who says this... Furthermore, a mother doesn't suddently "start to get attached to her daughter" - months after giving birth to the child. Most mothers would give life and limb for their children - from the moment they are born. This feeling doesn't develop, at six months of age.

 

Trust should be given to those who are worthy, who have been consistent in their actions and their words... Those who have earned the gift.

 

I wouldn't believe a word this woman says - the things she says and some of the decisions she makes are so ridiculous that they are almost impossible to comprehend. The thing that runs through my mind when I read your story is - she has used you and you have played right into her hands... You are still, playing right into her hands.

 

Walk away and thank God that you have the ability to do it.

Edited December 25, 2018 by BaileyB

[Miss Clavel]

Sorry for the long reply

 

not at all.

 

i don't get here that much anymore. my divorce was years ago.

 

and funny, yesterday, on christmas, my ex had to visit with the kids, in his car. hahaha

 

anyway.

 

She wanted some time to think about it. And she finally decided to take action and file for a divorce. I flew to Australia to meet her. When I arrived, I started to get a negative vibe from her. She was hesitant and responding late. As if everything had changed. No more hearts, no more baby, nothing. I stayed at a hotel in her city for 6 nights. The first night she came to my hotel room for 10 mins. Her husband called her twice via facetime and she left. The next 5 days I spent were the same. All she could offer me was 5 or 10 minutes each day and I started to realize that she was never going to leave him for me.

 

this is the moment i would have bailed. end of.

 

sure she doesn't want to cheat on her husband. i get it.

 

but she doesn't have to go to your room just for sex. and you went a long way at some xpense to get there.

 

let her go. you can move on. let go. move on. in that order.

 

i'd bet my dooney she will come back right about the time you find someone else.

 

don't let her.

 

if she cared about you. she would have made time to see you in 6 DAYS.

 

hello.

 

you sound like a nice man. i'm sure you can find someone else or just be on your own for awhile and figure out why you don't think you deserve better.

 

she's in a **** situation. you can't yank her out if she won't make the first step. and it's important that you don't!!

 

something goes wrong and you will get the blame or you will have him pounding on your door.

 

if she gets in touch with you. be polite, wish her well. you don't want to be harsh with her or have some dramatic break up and then she gets beat into the hospital or worse.

 

keep an ear out for her, wish her well and move on.

 

good luck

[anika99]

So the plan was that she was going to dump her husband and abandon her daughter to an abuser so she could run away with you but then she couldn't because she just magically became attached to her kid in October? Do you not see how absurd that sounds? Any normal woman is madly and forever attached to their baby from the moment they are born and would do anything to protect that baby and keep it near. If you this woman had actually carried out this plan then you would seriously have to question her integrity, values, and mental health.

 

If anything you say about this girl being beaten is the least bit true then she needs serious help. Her parents need to be told and they need to get her and her child to safety and then she needs serious counselling to deal with the after affects of domestic abuse. She needs time to get her life back together and to make a plan for her future. The last thing she needs in all of this mess is an affair. Some new guy who is making demands on her for love and affection is the last thing she needs right now. That's just going to mess her head up even more. The help she needs should come from the people who truly love her and care about her and her baby and who want her to be healthy, happy and safe. These people will not place their own selfish expectations on her, they will only want the best for her no matter what.

 

You are not the person to help her because your concern is mostly for yourself. You are not in her life as a concerned friend, you are there with the expectation that she will run away to be with you and make you happy. You show no concern for her baby at all and would be fine if she just ditches the baby to be with you. You are not good for her or her child. Her and her baby are in a seriously dangerous situation and she needs serious emergency help, not a new boyfriend.

[OJK]

I appreciate the answers.

 

Most of you have recommended that I move on. There is no other option left.

 

@anika99: I really wanted to give her a good life and plus her child.

 

We again had an argument last night, this time a bad one.

 

I tried last until the end to mend things with her but to me this all sounded like a sham, her feelings for me and the way she handled things.

 

I am a normal person, I got heartbroken over someone I truly started to love and then on social media I am seeing her enjoying her life, happy as if nothing ever happened. I seriously questioned her whether what she felt for me was real or not and she hesitated to even give me the real answer.

 

I asked her how can someone end things based on situations alone if you have feelings for someone ? And her reply was more like: You can, its hard and I don't want to get any labels and she moved on. Just like that. She moved on within a day or two.

 

This gave me strength to move on as well. I would rather have someone who is there for me and really loves me for who i am.

[Miss Clavel]

 

This gave me strength to move on as well. I would rather have someone who is there for me and really loves me for who i am.

 

 

amen.

 

good luck

[OJK]

I had been moving on for a few days now. Inside I felt like I had been disrespected and felt that she actually just led me on.

 

I wished her a very happy new year and somehow I ended up asking her to call me the next day.

 

She called and we both spoke in all honesty. I for the first time felt that she really actually had and still has feelings for me. She just started to feel guilty about all this because she doesn't think she will have the courage to take a divorce. Her dad has a heart condition, older sister already divorced with a child and living at home, husband loves the child and won't be letting go of the child that easily, all of these things make it quite hard for her to continue having an affair with me. She wants me at least to be happy since I am in my prime now. For her she doesn't even know if her dad is able to cope with another daughter getting a divorce and settling back home with her own kid alongside her sister. More so, the husband will always be in the back ground and I finally understood her for once.

 

There was no future for us. She wanted to end things with me because she never really saw an outcome and perhaps also felt guilty that if she had continued this I would had never be able to move on and find someone I could had actually been with.

 

We wished each other the best of luck, I asked her to delete my contact because I wasn't able to do it myself but in the end I finally did it. I am proud to have loved a person like her and so is she but we just were never meant to be together. I can finally move on, satisfied and with a smile on my face. A good day indeed.

[Miss Clavel]

 

We wished each other the best of luck, I asked her to delete my contact because I wasn't able to do it myself but in the end I finally did it. I am proud to have loved a person like her and so is she but we just were never meant to be together. I can finally move on, satisfied and with a smile on my face. A good day indeed.

 

amen. the end. of what i think shows, how much she does love you. sad, bitter and sweet.

 

thanks for sharing that.

[OJK]

I have both good and bad news.

 

Good news is that I met someone at a bar a week ago. Went out with her a few times but made the mistake of telling her upfront that I was not looking for anything serious. It came out of nowhere and I didn't even give her the chance to open up but then she goes on saying, ''Oh me too''. After I got home from our date, I sent her a message saying, Thank you for the dinner and it was great meeting you again''. Press sent and the text didn't even go through. She had blocked me. And I can't blame her either. I am not in the right mindset at the moment to date anyone.

 

 

It had been more than 2 weeks and I was constantly wondering what the other woman had been up to. As always I waited every single day for some miracle to happen but I knew that she was long gone. This fear of losing her drove me nuts. I ended up texting her. I wrote to her, ''Just because I asked you to delete me, doesn't really mean that I don't want you in my life anymore. A break up doesn't always have to mean a broken bond. I hope you are doing well''. She replied back and just like that I asked her to call me and she did right away.

 

 

We never spoke about the past. I told her that I tried dating someone and I just couldn't do it. Though I didn't sense any form of jealousy, she rather seemed okay with it. Perhaps she was, I mean who knows.

 

I told her, I still missed her and asked her if she missed me as well. She wouldn't tell, saying I won't tell you. I asked her if she was happy and if her husband hadn't done anything out of the ordinary and she replied saying: ''I keep myself busy with my daughter and friends. I am happy this way but I am also giving him 100 % of me so that in the end he can't blame me that I wasn't giving him my 100 %. If he ever does anything to me again, like hit me, I will go back home to my parents. I am just 26 years old and I have seen woman getting married even after a divorce''. I said that's great and I support you with this.

 

 

I sensed that there was a positive vibe between us again. She wouldn't hang up and I was like, ''You must be busy so you better get back to the things you were doing'', and she was like no I can talk. She wasn't adding me back on social media again stating, ''If I add you back, then all those goodmorning and goodnight texts will start coming in and we will become attached again and then I will expect things from you and you from me. We become attached so easily ''. I told her, there is no pressure in doing that and If we are ever meant to be together, down the road I will meet her again.

 

 

I told her that I was getting operated for my collarbone (she knew about that) and was concerned and asked me the date. I asked her to keep in touch with me and she said she will, she had saved my number in her notes.

 

 

I also finally told my brother about this and he told me that if its really meant to happen, it will. But right now I should only continue living my life and make the best out of it. He also said that she is going through a phase where she will give her husband her 100 % and if it doesn't work out and if she has some self respect left in her, she will leave him. This is why she never asked me to keep on waiting because she thought it would be unfair for me.

[BaileyB]

Dude, you are not meant to be together. She has chosen another man. It’s time to move on.

[OJK]

Dude, you are not meant to be together. She has chosen another man. It’s time to move on.

 

You are right, though its hard for her since she has a baby with him. I don't want to defend her anymore either. She choose him in the end, to be with him and not me.

 

I must admit that I have started to think that we are not meant to be together but I can't tell what tomorrow entails now can I.

 

I am trying my best to move on but I am devastated inside. It's like whatever has happened between us, I am the one who is suffering the most in this.

 

I try to keep myself busy but that isn't even working out. I ruined my date because all I could think of was her even when I went out...

[Turning point]

I'm not sure you even had an affair. In addition, if anyone is being abused it's you - not the other woman. This is a GAME and you are ROLE PLAYING only you sadly haven't figured out IT'S NOT REAL.

 

She leaves her baby behind with a supposedly abusive husband to vacation in Germany?

 

She flirts and gets kissy with you but stops you short of anything more sexual.

 

After returning home, and far, far away from you she turns up the heat and you believe you can be her knight in shining armor.

 

You fly to her hometown to rescue her and she turns against you. Checks up on you - but won't spend any time with you.

 

When you leave and go far, far away again she turns up the heat once more. However, this time she adds a barrier - the same woman who left her child to go to Germany now could never leave her child again - which of course, removes any chance of you showing up in her hometown.

 

Sir, you have now been neatly put in your place. You are a toy in her toy box. If you really enjoy this kind of thing I believe there are several online games where you can role play the same thing without wasting any money on airfare or drinks.

 

Sorry to be so harsh - but, you have really come across as too naive to see the reasonable insights people have given you. Of course her husband is abusive (Not) because the fantasy would be kind of lame without that character development.

[OJK]

I'm not sure you even had an affair. In addition, if anyone is being abused it's you - not the other woman. This is a GAME and you are ROLE PLAYING only you sadly haven't figured out IT'S NOT REAL.

 

She leaves her baby behind with a supposedly abusive husband to vacation in Germany?

 

She flirts and gets kissy with you but stops you short of anything more sexual.

 

After returning home, and far, far away from you she turns up the heat and you believe you can be her knight in shining armor.

 

You fly to her hometown to rescue her and she turns against you. Checks up on you - but won't spend any time with you.

 

When you leave and go far, far away again she turns up the heat once more. However, this time she adds a barrier - the same woman who left her child to go to Germany now could never leave her child again - which of course, removes any chance of you showing up in her hometown.

 

Sir, you have now been neatly put in your place. You are a toy in her toy box. If you really enjoy this kind of thing I believe there are several online games where you can role play the same thing without wasting any money on airfare or drinks.

 

Sorry to be so harsh - but, you have really come across as too naive to see the reasonable insights people have given you. Of course her husband is abusive (Not) because the fantasy would be kind of lame without that character development.

 

You are right. I was used for attention and I have always felt this inside. One way I knew she was never going to leave her husband and this is what happened. I made this post to share my story because I fell in love with her. I wish her all the best but I am struggling to keep myself together. In time I hope I heal.

[Turning point]

I fell in love with her.

 

You fell in love with the idea of her. You never got close enough to know the real person. She handed you bits and pieces but, it was you who assembled them into this fantasy version of the damsel in distress and the knight in shining armor.

 

I don't know to what extent she strung along because you appear to have very quickly jumped ahead of the curve with your version of what each little detail meant.

 

Sometimes a banana is just a banana.