A Mess of my own making

[Ukfubar]

I’m struggling & hope to find a sensible perspective (or any perspective!) here. Sorry for the long post.

 

My 18 yr marriage finished in July 2015 & I moved out. Ex was main cared for our then 5yr old daughter & he is a great Dad so she stayed with him for minimum disruption. My marriage had been awful & I felt sadness & relief & failure.

 

In October 2015 I Thought I’d go on a date & get some confidence back. Met a lovely guy,started seeing him regularly. I couldn’t believe my luck- I had to work a lot due to my new financial position, but so did he, so it worked out well. He said he had split up with his ex 6 months ago & had a 5 yr old son so didn’t want anything too involved. After about 6 months I asked him to stop over & he said he wasn’t ready. I said I was feeling a bit strange that we didn’t go out or do anything except talk (a lot!) drink tea & have sex. He said it was all he could deal with.

After 18 months I found out by chance that he lived with his gf & had 2 small children. He denied it, messed with my head - still denied it with photographic evidence(!) then eventually confessed. I broke it off, absolutely heartbroken & feeling really stupid indeed. Then he got back in contact & I was weak & went back. I’ve been the other woman ever since.

 

This Summer we went out a bit more, & then in August he messaged me every day. I was really busy with work & couldn’t meet up. I then found out he was getting married & waited for him to tell me. Only he didn’t. The week before his wedding he was still messaging me to meet up so I told him I knew & broke up with him & blocked him.

Day after his wedding he found me on Whatsapp. I went back. September til now have been nice. Guilty for me but nice. Then his wife texted me saying she knew everything. She was pretty rude- not that I blame her. I didn’t reply. She kept texting saying I needn’t worry, she just wanted to check that he had finally been honest & could I just answer 2 specific questions.

I unblocked him, hoping he’d give me a heads up- but nothing for a day.So I answered the questions (they were how we met & when & did I know he had a wife & kids)

She messaged back saying our truths were very different, the last 3 years were a lie, she wasn’t mad with me & I was welcome to him but to be careful because

Now at least I have proof of what he’s like.

 

I said I was ashamed & very sorry & have not contacted her or him since. He’s not been in you ch- unsurprisingly.

I’ve uneittingly dropped him in it & I have no idea what to do. I was so sick of the deception & guilt but I don’t even know what I want to happen.

[TooBad]

I don’t even know what I want to happen.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I think you do know what you want to happen. Because the rational thought here would be that this guy lied to you and everyone else from beginning to end, so anything other than keeping him out of your life would be... not wise. Your doubt basicly tells what you want to happen.

[FMW]

My opinion -

 

You know what you want to happen. You want to keep seeing him, and now you think maybe he'll give you the attention you want since the wife appears to have cut him loose.

 

You're posting here because part of you realizes this is a big mess that you should turn from and never look back. You just aren't ready to do that yet. Deception like that is very unlikely to be something that was just a one-time thing for him.

 

You met him very shortly after ending your long marriage. Take some time alone to gain some clarity and insight. Be happy he hasn't contacted you. Leave him (and her) alone to deal with their mess.

[Ukfubar]

Thanks Both

 

I wish my rational brain would overcome the ‘oh what if it was ok.’

Because I’m not generally a stupid person, bu I’ve made exceedingly stupid choices with this man.

I’ve blocked him & Im going to stop with my parents over the holidays. Got to get rid of the sick dread feeling. I seem to swing between guilt & fury - often with myself!

[elaine567]

You, by knowing he was married and carrying on anyway accepted the OW role, his #2.

That does not put you in prime position to be #1 unfortunately, it may not work that way.

 

I guess as you have not heard from him he is doing his utmost to save his marriage atm.

Once the marriage is back on course or she throws him out then you may hear from him.

Either to continue being his OW, still cheating behind his wif'e back, or if he has nowhere to stay he will turn up on your door professing undying love...

[anika99]

This MM is truly horrible! He was looking to cheat when he met you. That's not unusual, lots of cheaters out there, but he was specifically looking to trick some vulnerable unknowing into getting involved with him and had already prepared his lies before even meeting someone. This isn't your typical "I didn't mean for this to happen but my wife was ignoring me and my coworker/neighbor/hairstylist (whoever) paid attention to me and then we accidentally had sex and fell in love" lame story. This was a guy who intentionally set out to hurt people. Not only his wife but whoever was unlucky enough to become involved with him. He thought he wanted a little side action and he didn't care one bit about the pain he was going to cause. And he wasn't even married!!! But actually got married while all this deceit was taking place. He sounds psycho.

 

On the other hand you seemed to willfully ignore the obvious signs. You say you knew something was wrong at 6 months in but then you jumped ahead to 18 months when you found out he was cheating on a gf. It sounds like you knew in your gut but you didn't want to know in your head. Not blaming you for this jerks behaviour but at some point you may want to examine your reasons for this. Not very many women would tolerate that much secrecy for that long.

 

This guy is very selfishly disturbed. You have to rid yourself of him and properly grieve the events of the past. You rushed into becoming exclusively involved with him when you were fresh out of your marriage. You didn't take the time you needed to recover from the end of that relationship and so you were vulnerable to the first man to come along. Take that time now. Get some counselling if you need to, stick close to the safe people in your life while you heal. Do not let this jerk back into your life under any circumstances. Not even if his wife kicks him out. He will not be a changed man and he will just cheat again.

[BaileyB]

I agree with the others. It’s quite clear what you want to happen, you wouldn’t be asking the question if you were not waiting and hoping that someone would say - go for it! Nobody here is going to say that.

 

The thing is, this guy is a total jerk - ask his first wife. She learned that the hard way... you have the benefit of knowing this information before you marry and have two children and divorce. Consider yourself lucky and run for the hills...

[Mrs._December]

Wait - you found out this guy LIED to you from the second he met you, leading you on to believe that he was available but 'taking it slow' when he wasn't?

 

You found out after 18 months that he had lied to your face every single day for a year and a half, without so much as batting an eye.

 

And the REASON he was lying was because he was getting sex from you - actually sex and tea - and didn't want it to stop, so he led you on making you think you had a possible future with him when he KNEW you didn't.

 

Do you not see the incredible level of CRUELTY he was willing to sugject you to for his own selfish gain?

 

That's how much he cared about YOUR feelings and YOUR boundaries. As long as he was benefiting from it, he had no qualms at all about how this would eventually devastate you and happily continued conning you. He can claim all he wants how it was eating away at him and he wanted SO badly to tell you but for 18 months, he took what he wanted and DIDN'T tell you, so his sugary empty words now about feeling oh so bad about conning you are a crock of bull.

 

Even sadder, it wasn't even the liar who finally told you. You had to find out by some other means. What does that TELL you?

 

Make no mistake - he CONNED you and took advantage of you for his own selfish gain. You can try to sugarcoat it with 'love' and 'soul mate's and all that nonsnse, but everything I typed above is the reality of what he did to you.

 

Unbelievably, you then chose to reward this lying, cheating, cruel man for tricking you by going back to him the minute he reached out to you because he missed having his fun on the side.

 

I feel sorry for his wife because I'm sure she didn't know what a complete lying con artist this man is before she married him. If she's smart, she'd divorce this loser tomorrow. Sadly, you KNEW exactly how low he'll sink and you were one of his victims and yet you STILL chose to go back to him. I'm stumped as to why you'd give even one more second to someone who maliciously conned you from the second you met him. I don't get it. I honestly don't.

 

I’ve made exceedingly stupid choices with this man.

Sadly, I could not agree with you more. You need to reach down deep and find the pride you swallowed the second you took this man back after you found out how he'd conned, manipulated and deceived you. And that's EXACTLY what he did.

 

I can only hope when you're REALLY able to see who this person is and not who you wanted him to be, I think things will become a lot clearer for you.

[pepperbird]

Thanks Both

 

I wish my rational brain would overcome the ‘oh what if it was ok.’

Because I’m not generally a stupid person, bu I’ve made exceedingly stupid choices with this man.

I’ve blocked him & Im going to stop with my parents over the holidays. Got to get rid of the sick dread feeling. I seem to swing between guilt & fury - often with myself!

 

 

look at it this way. you stopped yourself before you make an ever bigger mess, and you are empathetic enough to feel bad about what happened.

 

He sounds like a snake. Actually, I take that back. Snakes are pretty cool creatures and I don't want to insult them:laugh:. He's a tool.

[Giraffe-A]

You may feel this way now, but it seems like you know you will keep going back to him. That new wife is not going to let him go. If they met before of after the divorce, she has already endured a huge challenge with him and is going to fight for this dude.

For your sake, it is better to completely block him from your life forever. Regain yourself and try again. When a guy doesn’t progress the relationship outside of sex, he’s just using you. Seriously, you deserve more.

[Ukfubar]

You’re all so honest. Thankyou. I will reread all the comments every day to keep me concentrating on the reality and not the ‘what ifs’

I’m at my parents with my daughter & feel much calmer.

 

To address a couple of points- I really don’t know what I want to happen. Mostly I’m kicking myself badly for inexplicably being in love with a calculating lying cheat. I hope he doesn’t contact me one minute, then worry that he won’t- & then myself for worrying because it’s good if he doesn’t... it’s irrational.

I don’t know what to do because I’ve unwittingly dropped him in it & Im not sure whether he will go for revenge?

 

I mostly just want to run away- but that’s not a solution. I’m also slightly scare that he will involve my daughter or turn up at my work & cause a scene.

 

He has previous form for ringing me at work constantly. We broke up for 3 months when I first found out & it seemed easier to just agree to meet him than put up with the calls and begging. And yes I know how pathetic that sounds.

 

Ref the having no pride comment. I don’t have any when I am around this man. My husband wiped that from me in ways I can’t speak about. This isn’t an excuse for my behaviour- I am self aware but finding it hard to adapt & amazed that I wandered into this and didn’t stop it- my ‘old’ self would have been far more savvy.

[preraph]

Well, you knew this wasn't a substantial relationship. As far as he was concerned, he is just collecting women to have sex with. He had to marry the one but he figured you'd still hang in there.

 

You've got to set some standards or random relationships are just going to keep happening to you. You need to sit down and write down what type relationship you want and then you need to boot out any that aren't wanting a similar thing or meeting expectations. You are the filter to your own love life, my dear, no one else. If you don't use that filter, you'll just keep falling and failing, so smarten up! Hope you feel better soon. You will if you stop accepting less than you want.

[Ukfubar]

Ok so an update. I got through Christmas, concentrated on my daughter, didn’t snoop on his life via FB or convenient acquaintances and he’s blocked everywhere.

I don’t think of him when I wake up or in quiet moments- thought I was doing great. Usual stuff, bury myself in work, daughter and activities. I took up hill walking of all things(!) and booked a holiday to look forward to.

 

The panicky feeling subsided, I felt strangely calm and accomplished. I say strangely- I am not a calm person in my personal life normally!

 

All good, not forgotten but finding a bit of peace I thought. Then a few days ago I got a picture message from an unknown number. It was a pic I had sent to him. No message except ‘date sent 07/18’

 

I freaked out but didn’t reply immediately. The next day I sent ‘wrong number’ and blocked the number.

The next day, different pic, only comment was ‘date sent 08/18 different number. I didn’t reply and blocked it.

 

Same again this morning.

 

It’s him I think. Either that or his wife I guess. Either way it’s rattling me and I’m scared. I’ve given my contacts my work phone number so I’ll just use that for now but even so...

 

Any ideas why he/she would do this and is there any other way of handling it? I’m not identifiable from pics.

Thanks for reading

[stillafool]

How were you able to date a man for 18 months and not know he lived with his gf and 2 kids? Did you never visit his home and if not, why weren't red flags flying off in your head?

[Ukfubar]

I thought about this a lot! In hindsight yes, mega red flags. But while it was going on I wasn’t super smart. I have a tendency to overwork (avoiding life I guess!) and he worked even more than me. Well he said he did.

 

I found it quite liberating to find someone who worked harder than me & in truth, I wasn’t at all ready for a ‘relationship’ so it was nice to have a few hours chatting a few times a week. I used to meet him at work (he’s self employed, plus a full time day job with overtime) and keep him company. He was almost always available on the phone.

So it was convenient and suited me at the time. The gut feelings crept in as it became less convenient and I wanted something more ‘normal’ feeling.

 

My 18yr marriage wasn’t ‘normal’. I am not ready to write on a forum about that in any detail, but it left me with problems trusting my instincts I guess.

 

That’s an incomplete answer I know, but I’d say the part time ‘relationship’ wAs all I could deal with. In fact many times he wanted to see me more & do things and I wouldn’t because I was scared.

[BTDT2012]

What type of pictures are they sending?

[Ukfubar]

Pics I sent to him, with the date I sent them. Underwear selfies.

[Overtaxed]

This isn't your typical "I didn't mean for this to happen but my wife was ignoring me and my coworker/neighbor/hairstylist (whoever) paid attention to me and then we accidentally had sex and fell in love" lame story.

 

Actually, I think the "typical" story you told above is exactly that, a story. I think there are FAR more affairs that are calculated as this one appears to be than the "it just happened" variety. You've been an adult for a long time, right? How many times did you just happen to accidentally find yourself having sex with someone? Why would it happen in an A any different?

 

IMHO, in all affairs, there's at least one person who knows what he/she is out for. The guy scheming a woman for sex (the most common). A woman scheming a guy to break up with his wife and marry her instead (probably the 2nd most common). And, in some cases, it can be both people scheming the other, the man scheming the woman for sex while the woman schemes for marriage. But, if you just have two "good people" going along in their lives, an A won't happen, because it requires action from at least one person to "get it rolling". Usually that's the man, but not always.

 

The stories we read here about "it just happened", well, every time I see that I think "that's because you were the mark". It didn't just happen, someone made it happen, it just wasn't you.

[BaileyB]

You are learning some very important lessons the hard way... be very selective of the men you let into your life (you had every red flag, and you chose to ignore them), and don’t send any photos that you don’t want to be shared with the world.

 

I would block him, change my phone number, and hope that he goes away. If you find proof that it is him or if it escalates (ie. he sending you an email or tries to see you), I would file a restraining order.

[anika99]

OP you have alluded to there being something sinister about your husband (which is very concerning because he has custody of your daughter and whatever he did to mess you up he will also do to your daughter) so is it possible that he got sent those pictures, maybe from the betrayed wife, and now he's trying to torment you?

[Ukfubar]

Ex is awful with adult women but adored by (and adores) his children. He has ab adult daughter that I am very close to. I keep a very very close eye on my daughter and my ex and I have her 50% of time (he is ‘parent with care’ but we have joint parental responsibility.)

So whilst I’m wary of him and how he affects me, I am ok with the current situation.

I don’t think he would do this. It’s not his style. But thanks for the thought. I do think it’s AP and really, I don’t need to know why - he’s game playing again I guess.

I’m a bit steadier today so just rowing the boat and getting through it...