Welp, it happened to me (loooong)

[shoe.box]

Hello all! I've been reading through these forums for a few days and want to thank everyone for sharing their stories and advice. It makes me feel a little less alone as we all trudge through the ****e together. With that said, I need to get my own story off my chest. Buckle in, get your popcorn, this is gonna read like a bad horror movie where you're screaming at the naive little girl to not go into that obviously haunted house in the middle of the woods, but alas, she does anyway.

 

WARNING: some bad language, bad decision making, adult situations. Rated M.

 

During the summer of 2017, I started a new job. Soon after starting, it became very obvious that a guy I work with was very interested in me. We had an instant connection, one that caught me off guard. But at first I ignored him - I knew he was married (or had been at one point), but he no longer wore a wedding ring - so I was cautious and friend-zoned him. Fast forward to December and he actively started pursuing me - sitting next to me at work events to talk, sending me silly emails and long emails, where we had deep conversations about so many things. The friend-zone started to wobble a little, and soon it became the sorta-maybe-not-just friendzone. He started dropping hints about hanging out, and while I was still cautious because of the whole till-death-do-us-part thing, I gave in. Long story short, he was going through a really terrible (or so he had me believe) separation after the death of his father, which caused him to shut down in his marriage merely a year after the wedding. They had been together for 10 years, only 3 of them married, and had been off-again, on-again since 2016. He told me that his wife had been bitter and resentful and spiteful, and that he was worried he was going to lose his house in the divorce. Now, I live in Canada, where the matrimonial home is basically always split 50/50 through various ways. I did not know this at the time though, and just took him at his word.

 

I'm an independent gal, and don't feel the need to be defined in a relationship, so I was trying to take it slow, and didn't want to label anything. He was very intense though, and hardly left me alone, which while occasionally annoying, was undeniably flattering. He told me he wanted to be best friends first, that he would be there for me to talk to about anything, that he wanted to make me happy, and be my "solace". I rolled my eyes, but it felt good. Our chemistry, both sexually and personally, was the fluff of love stories. He told me that it was the best sex of his life, and that he had such a powerful feeling when he touched me and kissed me, and that he felt something he had never felt before when we were together. But I was still careful with my heart, having been hurt many times in the past, and was unwilling to let him truly into my life until he was officially divorced. He told me he didn't know when it would get easier, but that there was light at the end of the tunnel, and if I needed to bail he would understand. I didn't bail. Cue scary music.

 

It became really obvious that he was in love with me. I was still guarded - we had to work together, he was still married, and he was 8 years my senior - until one day in early summer we were at a restaurant where we ran into some casual friends of his. He had a panic attack at being seen out with me and not his wife, started sweating profusely, acting quite nervous, and I felt bad for him and so we left soon after. Still being my naive little self, I assumed it was because he didn't want his wife to know he was dating someone during their separation (in Canada you have to be separated for at least a year before a divorce is legally granted), in case she were to make his life hell. Seemed sensible, I thought. Well, that was the turning point. For some god-awful reason, that was also the point where I fell in love with him. We had a talk after where he asked me to let him in to my heart, and so I did, like a blind little moron.

 

The summer of 2018 was truly hell. He checked out on me sometime during June and never bothered to check back in. He apologized over and over, saying he missed me, but that he had so much going on, and was trying to do some renovations in his house before the divorce was finalized. This is also the time where he told me he had fallen in love with me, and by then I was a goner, so I told him that I loved him too. We had sex once in 6 weeks. I was floored - HE had started this, HE had pursued me, I had friendzoned HIM for f's sake, HE had fallen first, not ME! I felt like the butt of some cosmic joke, tricked into loving someone that I had no intention of loving.

 

At the end of August, he bailed on me. I had been suffering for some time with my own mental health, brought on by an injury, but became worse over the summer as I felt neglected and confused. We had made plans one fateful day, but he texted me that morning saying he wasn't able to make it due to work. I got mad, the first time I had really ever gotten mad at him, and texted him back rather passive-aggressively. He withdrew from me, saying that the way I was acting reminded him of his marriage and how his wife had made him feel and that he wasn't ready to feel those awful feelings again, especially with me. Realizing I'd messed up, I apologized profusely, tried to make amends, and felt ultimately so terrible for making him go through that again. I truly thought he had some sort of mild PTSD from what I thought was a terrible marriage. I was in the throws of an eating disorder, and told him that the hunger cues sometimes makes me lash out irrationally. To that, he said, "I can't do this." Can't do what, you ask? Who the **** knows. He told me that his anxiety was so bad right now that he needed time to fix himself, and that he wouldn't stop loving me, and that the only time I had asked him for anything, and needed his support, he just couldn't be there, because he was too sick and he needed to start seeing a therapist to deal with his grief over his father's death (yes, he was still grieving badly 3 years later). He wanted to take care of me, but he couldn't without taking care of himself first.

 

And here we start the real story. (Just here? Yes, not even close to being done, I'm afraid. Go get yourself a drink.) We didn't talk for 3 days, and work sent us in opposite directions for almost a month. But after those 3 days, he started texting me again. And I was a fool, it was a relief - I had been so heartbroken, so upset that I had made him feel so terrible and reminded him of his awful wife - that I texted him back. It felt like it did at the beginning. He told me how much he loved me, how much he missed me, how everything he saw reminded him of me, and even though I had promised myself that I wouldn't give him another chance until he was divorced and things had changed, I somehow did anyway. When we reunited at the end of the month, it felt so good. For about 2 weeks. October came and he checked out again. He told me his best friend's mother had died and his nephew was in the hospital sick and it had been a terrible week for him. All understandable. After this, we had incredibly hot sex for about a week straight, and I gave him the space I thought he needed - after all, we hadn't had any sort of conversation about what had happened, or where we were, or what we were even doing. At the time, I didn't care. I was an addict, just looking for a fix. But I could only do that so long. At the end of October, I asked him to meet up to have a conversation, to which he replied, "I have a decision to make and finally have the chance to fix myself and my life."

 

I knew immediately. The bitch was back and she wanted to reconcile. It turns out that he had been given his divorce papers at the beginning of October and hadn't signed them, that he needed to "think". And the nephew that was sick? Yeah, that was HER nephew, and he had been visiting them in the hospital. So she asked him if they wanted to give it another go. No, she had no idea that I existed or that he was seeing someone else, I had been his dirty little secret, and it hadn't bothered me for nearly a year because I thought that I had no right to ask for anything else while he was still married. I thought I was making his life easier, and truthfully, I don't like people knowing my business. I was fine keeping everything on the down-low. We had a long conversation, where he told me that he owed it to her and to his father and to himself to give his marriage one last chance, that he needed to do this, because it was him that caused the marriage to fail in the first place, and caused his wife to become so hateful towards him. That he would lose his house if he didn't take this chance, he had nowhere else to go (despite having tons of friends and family around), and then he would have "nothing". He would start seeing a therapist to help his anxiety, and they would start couples counselling to try and move past their issues.

 

I was beyond upset at him. I told him that he had been using me, stringing me along, and that I would never ever give him another chance. He sobbed and apologized hundreds of times, that he didn't know this would happen, that he thought his marriage was over. Ultimately, I understood his reasoning. He had married this woman, after all, they had shared love and happiness and thought they would have a life together, forever - or whatever b.s. the wedding industry sells us these days (I'm only a wee bit cynical) - and that he had to try to keep the house that his father had worked so hard his whole life to help them buy. Deep down, I told myself it wouldn't work. He was going back because he had no other choice, right? He felt guilty, thought everything was his fault, and was trying to keep his father's legacy, not because he actually wanted to be with HER. Cause, obviously, he really wanted to be with me. He told me that he would love me forever as he cried into my shoulder, even though I told him that he wouldn't be able to, and he would realize that eventually. We parted and I had no intention of ever speaking to him again.

 

But I did. I went down the social media rabbithole and creeped his wife hard. I saw that their last attempt at reconciliation was in October of 2017, just shortly before he started pursuing me. I thought I would die of shame. I sent him a long email one night at 3 a.m., and he asked to see me. He cried and apologized for doing this to me, that he had to go back, that he was so sorry and he would always be sorry. I said I didn't care, but let him kiss me one last time. A few days later, I received a text from him saying that he was in a really bad place and was so anxious about how much I hated him. I didn't really hate him at that point, I had been trying to go NC, but gave in at this alarming text. So I called him and talked him off the ledge. He had been having a major panic attack about everything, was trying to move forward in his marriage, but was so scared he was going to mess it all up again. We shared a scattered few texts over the next few days and met up again before I went on vacation. He cried, told me he still loved me, and that he was so sorry he was such a mess. Then I tried NC again, ignoring the texts he sent me over the next few days until he got the message. I got almost 2 weeks that time.

 

The third week of November, I came back from vacation to him having a full-blown breakdown (granted, I had asked to see him this time, to "get some things off my chest"). He cried when I accused him of using me as a rebound, and that it hurt me so bad that he thought his life without his wife was broken, and that he had never been honest with me. He sobbed, telling me that I was all that he thought about, and he was in such a bad place as he was guilty on both sides, and that he missed me so much and was still in love with me, and that I was the reason he was having this breakdown, because he loved me so much. He held my hand, stroked my knee, and kissed my cheek when he hugged me. He has always been handsy with me, so this wasn't unusual, it was just familiar.

 

I shrugged it off, but then spent the whole next week thinking about it. I asked to meet him again (yes, this is where you yell at me), where he told me the same old sob story, and I took back my "I'll never give you another chance" statement (ugh), and told him that I would, in the future. He told me that he couldn't think like that, he needed to give his marriage 200% every second of every day to make it work, and saying that made him love me even more, which wasn't even possible, that's how much he loved me. He needed to try this, and if it didn't work with his wife, he would cut it so he could move forward with his life. He kissed my palm and my wrist and all my fingers. Still, I didn't learn my lesson. I asked to see him again the next week, where I straight up told him that he was in denial that his marriage was over, and that he shouldn't be having a meltdown about trying to make it work again. He didn't believe me, told me that he was starting to love his wife again and she was dealing with some health issues. And then it got hot and heavy. Sex? No, but pretty freaking close. It was sex for all intents and purposes. As soon as it was over, he started panicking, apologizing, saying it was inappropriate and he got carried away. No ****. He said the only reason he was going back to it was because he was married, that if it was just a long-term girlfriend he wouldn't - that there was so much entailed in marriage that he couldn't just walk away from it. He told me I was so special, and he knew karma was going to get him for this, but he still needed to give his marriage this last chance.

 

I spent the next week enraged that he would do that to me - use my body against me to get himself off, and then be like, "oh, right, sorry, I don't actually want to be with you, I just want to **** you." He had officially turned me into the Other Woman, and I had let him. He had asked to see me again, so we met up a final (yes, final, I swear!) time. He started right in, apologizing for the week before, but that he was 100% in his marriage and that he had made a mistake, that his wife needed him really badly and that he wanted to go back to her now. He finally had a chance to be a "good husband" and was going to be there for her. He had convinced himself that he was changing, and was getting his priorities right this time around, and was doing everything to make it work. I was livid. I yelled at him for a solid 5 minutes, told him that I hated him (mature, I know, but not untrue), that he had used me and walked all over me. He tried to take my hand and I screamed at him to not ****ing touch me. And he had yet another total breakdown, sobbing, telling me that no one had ever talked to him that way before, had said such things about him, that he had loved me and wouldn't be such a mess if he didn't. I asked him what his wife thought was wrong with him, and he replied, to my shock, that she just thought his anxiety and depression were bad. No reason why, no inkling, and no intention of ever telling her. I guess I thought he would tell her some version of the truth. I stared at him, mouth open.

 

"You know you're trying to rebuild your marriage on a big fat lie, right?" I asked.

 

Cue the sobs. He refused to tell her the truth of why he was having a breakdown because she was the only good thing that happened to him in the last few months, when everything else in his life had gone bad, and that she was so sick right now, he couldn't do it to her. That if he told her the truth, she would leave, and if she left, he would kill himself, because he would then have nothing. I cried in horror at what he was saying. It set in how truly selfish he is, that he would lie to his wife like that, just so that he could stay married and try and live out his redemption song at his chance to finally be a "good husband" (whatever that means). He told me that she was the love of his life, and he was lucky that he got to marry the "love of his life" (a concept I think is b.s., even in my less cynical days), and that he loved her so much, and it was so hard to see her so sick, and that he loved her to death. I told him I didn't understand how he could condemn them both to a marriage of obligation and convenience, to which he replied that they were going to start couples therapy to get back to the place they were in when they married. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, that he would do this to someone, lie in such a deceptive way, just so that he can fulfill his dream of finally having a family so he could be a "good father" and a good husband, and be just like his dad (who he holds up on a very unhealthy pedestal).

 

It's been NC (LC really, because we still work together) since then, about 10 days. Some days are easy, some days are hard. It's easier when I think about what a selfish asswipe he is, how he could do this to his wife, how he could basically trick her like I felt he tricked me, except doing it much more intentionally this time. Even if he doesn't love me anymore, and their marriage works (honestly, I think it could. He is SO determined to change and make it work), I don't think there is really ever getting over that magnitude of a lie. So I'm trying hard to move on and get over it, but it's not easy. I know I still love him, even after everything he put me through. I know that will ease with time, I'm just being impatient. I threw out all his gifts, I'm putting my energy into helping myself and seeing a therapist, and exercising and doing new things, but he is always at the forefront of my mind. This whole thing is such a recipe for disaster, but I'm trying to remove myself from the situation as best as I can. I know he's very unwell right now, and has left what is clearly a bad anxiety disorder and a tremendous grief untreated for a long time, but I'm scared that I will give him a third chance, even if it's several years away and I am in a different relationship. I know I'll meet someone some day that will treat me a ton better than he ever treated me, and I'd like to think I've learned a lot of hard lessons, but that has yet to be truly seen.

 

/End. Thanks for sitting through the whole sordid tale - writing it all out is pretty cathartic, isn't it?

[Purepony]

I’m sorry you are going through this

 

I don’t even know when to start since there were so many red flags upfront

 

I guess all you can really do is move on and maybe maybe if you want share this with his wife but yeah .... that’s still a tough one

[shoe.box]

I’m sorry you are going through this

 

I don’t even know when to start since there were so many red flags upfront

 

I guess all you can really do is move on and maybe maybe if you want share this with his wife but yeah .... that’s still a tough one

 

Oh, I've definitely fantasized about sending his wife screenshots of very incriminating messages, but I'll never do it.

 

As for the red flags, yep, I saw them. Ignored them. I even told him that he was a giant walking red flag, and that's why I was hesitant. God, I was dumb. Ah well, live and learn, I guess.

[Purepony]

I mean I’ve been there myself so I know the feeling

The worst part is you can’t blame anyone but you and I think that’s why it’s so hard

 

Stay in N.C. and keep your mind busy. What worked for me was little things like different routes to work, different music, even different places to eat just to do something new

[Miss Clavel]

he's a lying liar. say it again. say it one hundred times a day.

 

he lied about his marriage. he lied about being separated. he lied about every unflattering thing he ever said about his wife, the one he is still married to. he's a married pig that wanted to lie down with you and said whatever it took.

 

i know this because once you "wobbled" he knew he was in.

 

and of course he'd have anxiety. he's lying all the time. saying lies, juggling lies. takes a lot out of a person's day. don't you think?

 

he's with his wife.

 

and i'd tell her. i always think the wife should know. day one.

 

just give yourself that time honored OW excuse for telling the BS, the wife's health might be at risk or tell her how bad you feel and that you're stepping off. you're out.

 

if he stays with his wife you won't hear from him anymore, she'll make sure of that.

 

or she will divorce him with dignity and you'll have a lying liar on your hands, again.

 

good luck

[anika99]

Man this guy sounds like a little creep. I just don't know what you see in him. Must be all the flattery and attention he gave/gives that keeps you hanging on. He has played you well. He set you up early on to compete with his wife and make you prove yourself. Wanna know how? By telling you awful stories about his terrible wife and then telling you how wonderful you are in comparison. Whenever a man compares his current gf with a woman from his past, and utters this comparison out loud, to his current gf, he is setting her up. He is telling her that he she needs to rise to the challenge to always be better. Women eat this crap up, they love hearing how they are so much better than the women that were there before them but later their willingness to accept that kind of false flattery comes back to bite them.

 

This was evident in the paragraph where you spoke about the first time you got upset with him for letting you down when you needed him. What's the first thing he came back with? Compared you to his ex. Told you that you were reminding him of her and all the pain she caused him. And it worked. You backed right down, apologized even, and set out to prove that you were nothing like his nasty ex. His ex is probably just a normal woman, with qualities and flaws just like every other woman. I suspect he played the same games with her that he plays with you. I bet she also had to swallow her pain and ignore her needs because she was probably also compared to someone from his past. Some ghost that she had to compete with and prove herself better than.

 

Chalk it up to learning lessons. Seperated or newly divorced men are not good relationship material under the best of circumstances. People who draw you in by telling you sad stories about their ex are bad news. Sincere compliments do not include derisions about other people, not even an ex. Past relationship problems is no excuse for treating someone else poorly. If someone is truly still that traumatized by their past experience then they are not healthy enough to be in a new relationship. When a guy makes it all about him, when the entire relationship revolves his sensitivities, his problems and his needs, you got yourself a dud.

 

You can't believe a word out of this guy's mouth. Sounds like he still has you suckered a little into believing the big problem is his marriage. That he falsely believes he can make his broken marriage work. You still want him to realize that his marriage is a lie and that he needs to end it and pick you. Sorry to tell you, his marriage isn't the problem. He is the problem. No relationship he has is going to be healthy because he is so selfishly disturbed in the head. Whatever misery he has caused you is misery he has caused others before you. He is misery.

[shoe.box]

Thanks for the tough love, guys. I know I need it. I just left a work party where he was, and I gave him a forced smile and that was about it, but it was hard seeing him, it made me angry. He looked like hell though, so that was a little satisfying.

 

he lied about his marriage. he lied about being separated. he lied about every unflattering thing he ever said about his wife, the one he is still married to. he's a married pig that wanted to lie down with you and said whatever it took.

 

i know this because once you "wobbled" he knew he was in.

 

and of course he'd have anxiety. he's lying all the time. saying lies, juggling lies. takes a lot out of a person's day. don't you think?

 

he's with his wife.

 

and i'd tell her. i always think the wife should know. day one.

 

Honestly, I know he left a lot of truth out of a lot of things he was saying to me. He definitely does have a bad anxiety disorder, though, and this whole thing has made it worse, not that he doesn't deserve it. I also believe he was separated, but lied to me about what he actually wanted (yeah, I should've known better, I know). I have no plans to tell his wife, even though if I was in her situation I'd want to know... (crap)... if he hangs himself by his own noose in his marriage, that's his prerogative. I'm just going to keep on pretending he doesn't exist.

 

What's the first thing he came back with? Compared you to his ex. Told you that you were reminding him of her and all the pain she caused him. And it worked. You backed right down, apologized even, and set out to prove that you were nothing like his nasty ex. His ex is probably just a normal woman, with qualities and flaws just like every other woman. I suspect he played the same games with her that he plays with you. I bet she also had to swallow her pain and ignore her needs because she was probably also compared to someone from his past. Some ghost that she had to compete with and prove herself better than.

 

Girl, 100%. I knew this at the time, I still know it now. I was an idiot. She is definitely just a normal woman and I have kind of commiserated with her in a weird way the past 6 months. I just knew that what he was doing to me, he had done to her, except probably worse. The last time we talked, I told him he was selfish, and he seemed surprised by that (insert eyeroll).

 

Sounds like he still has you suckered a little into believing the big problem is his marriage. That he falsely believes he can make his broken marriage work. You still want him to realize that his marriage is a lie and that he needs to end it and pick you. Sorry to tell you, his marriage isn't the problem. He is the problem. No relationship he has is going to be healthy because he is so selfishly disturbed in the head.

 

Ugh. I know. I feel like a terrible person for wanting his marriage to fail, because 1) I think he would deserve it and 2) that little part of me still wants him. I'm trying to get over that, because I know he would just make me ****ing miserable again. He's going to need pretty intensive therapy over at least a couple years, but thinks that all he needs is a few months and he'll be magically changed and he'll be en route to a "good husband". I know for a fact he will never leave his wife now - he has too much to lose - she'll have to divorce him. And she's at the age now where all her friends are having babies and she's already given 10 years of her life to him, so the sunk cost fallacy must be kicking in. That sounds like such a terrible life to me, I just don't understand it, but I guess I don't know everything. Ah well.