Ladies: What does "best friends" mean?

[Moai]

Over the last ten days or so, four different girls have told me that I am their "best" friend. What does that mean exactly?

 

I am not asking in the "does she really want more" sense, as I don't from them and I am pretty sure they don't from me, either. In fact, in one case I got the weirdest pre-emptive rejection ever!

 

I do things for my friends all the time, both men and women, and this one girl suddenly wanted to make sure (after about a year) that I was doing what I do for only friendship. She doesn't want "that" from me, never will, and that even if she stayed single she wouldn't want me as a boyfriend. But she loves me SO MUCH (tells me all the time, it bugs me, actually), I'm her best friend, and blah blah blah. I didn't ask to be her boyfriend or make a move or anything. If I don't call her every day she gets all hurt. I know, she's weird, and I tangentialize...

 

I have lots of close friends, but not one of them is "best"; they are all different and I love them all the same.

 

I'm beginning to think that when a woman says that it doesn't mean anything, and that they say it to all their friends when they are together.

 

So what gives?

[Skippy]

Im a guy but my ex said that we are best friends. Then she did a heisman on me 3 months later and we became ex best friends.

[Nubemeister]

That seens something more out of like our high school or junior high days. I don't think you can have best friends mainly because im sure there are other friends that you love to hang out with or have them as friends. Singling them out is bad I think...don't know.

Best Friends means your awesome, I'm guessing. (grins)

[Moai]

Yeah, I am awesome! But I am not aware that I am doing anything, and I don't feel that way back. I mean, they are cool and all, but that's it.

 

It's funny, but men sometimes think that if they love a woman it is inconcievable that she wouldn't love them back. It seems that women are that way in friendship. "You're my best friend, so I must be yours" and that isn't true at all. Hence my question....

[nosybear819]

One day when you're hanging out just ask her - real non chalant tho' you know? Maybe kinda segue into it or something, "...so why do you consider me your best friend anyway?" I love all my friends differently and I tell my close friends that I love them all the time and they say it in return, men or women.

 

You know I'm thinking if she tells you you're her best friend I wonder why she doesn't ask that of you? Like to confirm her feelings - maybe she is just saying it as a blow off but I dunno that thought just came to me so take it with a grain of salt And ask her 'cuz I wanna know what she's got to say about this

[Moai]

I'm her best friend because of what we talk about I guess, and how close we are--at least in her mind.

 

And I'm not the best friend as a blow-off, for all but the weird one it is a heart-felt thing that is supposed to illicit some response, but I have no idea what. Hence my question.

 

I made an off-hand comment about how I felt about something that was no big deal, and she started crying. Later she told me that she didn't cry over her mom dying, or this or that, but she cried about me and that is a big deal for some reason. I realize that it is for her, but it doesn't make me feel closer to her or that I owe her something. It also amazes me that someone can feel all these things for you and then reject your heart and your sexuality without your even making a move.

 

If I felt as strongly for a woman as she does for me, which I don't, I think I'd want to date her, or at the very least wouldn't reject her until she asked.

 

I'm totally confused.

[fishtaco]

Maybe she's a drama queen that likes to be the center of attention... don't know her, just suggesting a possibility.

 

But the fact that she said you're her "best friend" pretty much means you're not on her "will have sex with" list. Giving you mixed messages is probably just part of the fun.

[clandestinidad]

I'm glad youre so awesome and loved!! That must make you feel really good!

 

it sounds like that girl likes you (romantically), but knows you dont like her in the same way, so she doesnt really know what to do with herself. I've done that before with a friend I really liked, but knew he didnt feel the same (there was a weird situation with his ex, and he was still stuck on her)....including getting really close physically or emotionally, and then pushing away b/c I felt too vulnerable, and much of the other stuff you said she does (like getting hurt when you dont call). But I would insist that we were just friends all along, otherwise that would have cut off/damaged our relationship and the emotional intimacy would be gone (b/c he didnt feel the same and would get scared off or something).

 

I dont know if thats what she's going through in this situation, but just thought I'd mention it b/c it sounded familiar

[whichwayisup]

and this one girl suddenly wanted to make sure (after about a year) that I was doing what I do for only friendship. She doesn't want "that" from me, never will, and that even if she stayed single she wouldn't want me as a boyfriend. But she loves me SO MUCH (tells me all the time, it bugs me, actually), I'm her best friend, and blah blah blah. I didn't ask to be her boyfriend or make a move or anything. If I don't call her every day she gets all hurt. I know, she's weird, and I tangentialize...

 

She's a needy person and insecure. She needs to have that "intensity" being fed alot of the time, wanting to talk to you and spend time with you. That, actually, isn't healthy as she's put ALL her eggs into one basket. I'm sure she feels that a day goes by and she doesn't talk to you, she feels weird and misses you...Even feels down and alone. Again, not healthy. You need to distance yourself from her bit by bit and let her know in a nice way that you're going to busy in the upcoming weeks and she shouldn't worry or be hurt if you two don't talk as often. DO emails instead.

 

I understand how you're feeling as I'm in a similar situation myself with a friend of mine. Abit overwhelming to have somebody who puts SO much into you and gets hurt very easily. And allows their moods to be affected, depending if you talk to them or not.

 

I'm her best friend because of what we talk about I guess, and how close we are--at least in her mind.

 

And I'm not the best friend as a blow-off, for all but the weird one it is a heart-felt thing that is supposed to illicit some response, but I have no idea what. Hence my question.

 

I made an off-hand comment about how I felt about something that was no big deal, and she started crying. Later she told me that she didn't cry over her mom dying, or this or that, but she cried about me and that is a big deal for some reason. I realize that it is for her, but it doesn't make me feel closer to her or that I owe her something. It also amazes me that someone can feel all these things for you and then reject your heart and your sexuality without your even making a move.

 

If I felt as strongly for a woman as she does for me, which I don't, I think I'd want to date her, or at the very least wouldn't reject her until she asked.

 

I'm totally confused.

 

She's very emotionally attached to you and "NEEDS" you. She's made you the centre of her world and it's dangerous, almost obession-like.

 

 

 

OK am I missing something here, DO you want this girl as your friend, or are you trying to put some distance between you two??? I just read Kat's reply to you and now I"m not too sure if my reply is offbase.

[clandestinidad]

If this girl TRULY doesnt feel more for you than friends (but you might never know), then I agree with WWIU totally.

 

either way, if you dont want to get closer with her, you should probably distance yourself like WWIU said

[Moai]

I'm glad youre so awesome and loved!! That must make you feel really good!

 

It does make me feel really good, thanks!

 

it sounds like that girl likes you (romantically), but knows you dont like her in the same way, so she doesnt really know what to do with herself.

Exactly a year ago yesterday on her birthday we made out, but that was when we were just getting to know each other. She called the next day and made me promise I wouldn't do it again. I told her that I wouldn't constantly try to get on her, but if the vibe was there I'd go for it, and she said fine and said she'd never bring it up again. Since then she has brought it up three or four times, this last the weirdest, with the "Do you know how much I love you's" etc. Then she started calling me five times a day and hanging out all the time.

 

I've done that before with a friend I really liked, but knew he didnt feel the same (there was a weird situation with his ex, and he was still stuck on her)....including getting really close physically or emotionally, and then pushing away b/c I felt too vulnerable, and much of the other stuff you said she does (like getting hurt when you dont call). But I would insist that we were just friends all along, otherwise that would have cut off/damaged our relationship and the emotional intimacy would be gone (b/c he didnt feel the same and would get scared off or something).

What she is doing is cutting off emotional intimacy, which she feels more than I do, for sure. But I can't be how I am, in a way, because she'll think I'm doing it to woo her or something. And she complains a lot that I don't tell her everything, but I only tell my girlfriend everything (when I have one). I am like the un-boyfriend boyfriend with her.

 

She said during this last one the she didn't want me to get all upset if she was kissing and hugging some guy in a bar, and I told her that she worries about that more than I do, and I got, "Ok, I won't bring it up again." but i know she will. And after what she said, which was hurtful I must admit, she wants me to be all buddy-buddy with her still, and I don't feel like it.

 

I dont know if thats what she's going through in this situation, but just thought I'd mention it b/c it sounded familiar

I don't know, either.

[Moai]

She's a needy person and insecure. She needs to have that "intensity" being fed alot of the time, wanting to talk to you and spend time with you. That, actually, isn't healthy as she's put ALL her eggs into one basket. I'm sure she feels that a day goes by and she doesn't talk to you, she feels weird and misses you...Even feels down and alone. Again, not healthy. You need to distance yourself from her bit by bit and let her know in a nice way that you're going to busy in the upcoming weeks and she shouldn't worry or be hurt if you two don't talk as often. DO emails instead.

 

She doesn't have a computer. I was going to let her have one of my old ones so she can get an iPod (we both love music). That didn't illicit any weird "I don't want you" response, which is kind of funny. Anyway, I'm not now because of how she'll take it.

 

I understand how you're feeling as I'm in a similar situation myself with a friend of mine. Abit overwhelming to have somebody who puts SO much into you and gets hurt very easily. And allows their moods to be affected, depending if you talk to them or not.

 

It isn't that she bums out per se, she just wants to know what I am doing and why I didn't call her. She needs to talk to me every day, so she wants to make sure I feel the same way, I think. Again, no idea.

 

She's very emotionally attached to you and "NEEDS" you. She's made you the centre of her world and it's dangerous, almost obession-like.

 

That's true. She mentions all the time how much she NEEDS me, but only on her terms, pretty much. Sometimes when we are out she'll get all weird and distant because she is afraid I am going to "cock-block" her, even though she doesn't date or sleep around. When I am out with my other girlfriends they don't act any different, nor do I. I don't hit on women when I am with them out of respect for them, as we are out together and it's unseemly.

 

OK am I missing something here, DO you want this girl as your friend, or are you trying to put some distance between you two??? I just read Kat's reply to you and now I"m not too sure if my reply is offbase.

 

Both. I like her a lot most of the time, but other times it is a lot of work. There was a time when I would've considered dating her, but not now. In some ways, her telling me how much she loves me all the time sounds hollow--even though she means it, it means nothing to me, honestly. I appreciate the compliment, but that's it. It doesn't make me feel good or loved or all warm inside. Talk is cheap, really. I mean, my other friends buy me things and do me favors and all, and I don't think she has ever really gone out of her way for me once. And that's fine, I don't do things for people so they'll do things back or owe me, it's just the way people are. And she's not.

[whichwayisup]

Moai, I'm sorry, I actually now re-read your posts and realized you're a guy! My mind isn't great today as I thought reading your posts the first time you were a woman...OOPS and sorry about that.

 

My friend I was talking about is a woman and she's just very needy and super sensitive, always tells me she's never had a "bestfriend" etc...I am hers but she isn't mine. I've only known her for less than 2 years. Anyway, won't get into that now as this thread's about you.

 

Well, don't DO anything extra nice for her, unless you want her to think you're into her. Us women have a way of 'reading' into things that aren't there and go off into our heads...You know what I mean by that, right?

[Moai]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[clandestinidad]

whats strange about this girl isnt so much that she feels that way, its that shes TELLING you aalll about it!!! the reason she's doing that is to get a response from you. Like the cock-blocking she told you she was 'afraid' of....she's not really worried that you will do it, she's actually telling you that she DOES want you to!! otherwise a female wouldnt even bring it up....and she would definately get pissed if you DID hit on a girl while you were out. you should try it, b/c it will tell you a lot about whats going on with her.

 

the same is true about wondering where you are and why you didnt call....she wants to know if you were with another girl. even if youre not dating HER, she wants you all to herself.

 

let me share a brief example: when I lived in dorms in college, one of my suite-mates had a best friend, and he and I started dating. We were together a lot, and she got intensely jealous...but she didnt like him romantically, she was just used to getting all of his attention and when it was on another girl it really pissed her off.

 

anyway, my advice is to back away, and if she asks why tell her that you think she's putting you in a boyfriend role, rather than a friend role. and if its still like this when either of you get serious with someone, its going to be horrible

[truelyaqua]

anyway, my advice is to back away, and if she asks why tell her that you think she's putting you in a boyfriend role, rather than a friend role. and if its still like this when either of you get serious with someone, its going to be horrible

 

moai

hi,

u know you keep talking about what she is saying or how it happened but,what i want to know is did you like call her everyday talk to her long hrs and do all those needy things when u first met up...bcoz if you did it wud seem natural for her to continue wanting all those things as your "friendship " started out in that way...but if you honestly want her not to go on the way she is, it will be simpler for you to just tell her how you are feeling, you know ,make it clear tht u are confused over the vibes ....

once you know or better yet once she knows you can put a lid on the issue because contemplating how she feels wont work...

i being a woman know we can be weird at times and have emotional needs sometimes and you know if you have feelings then admit it because as K23 said it will get horrible if neone of you get into a serious relationship.

 

aqua

[Moai]

Well, I saw her last night, and it was kind of awkward because there was a girl I like romantically there, too. Luckily, they missed seeing each other. And it's only wrong because the weird one would expect me to be a certain way, and I wouldn't because of the romantic one.

 

Later in the evening we talked about what she said to me, and she denied it. She says she never said that "even if I were single I wouldn't date you" thing. But she did, and I didn't let her slide out of it. She also said that when she came to see me that I was being "different", which I probably was. But I made sure to be nice to her and everything. Didn't matter, she was unhappy with my behavior. Which actually suits me fine.

 

Anyway, I asked her what the whole best friends thing meant, and she just said it's acompliment. Duh. And I can tell that just because i asked her she probably won't say it anymore. We'll see.

[truelyaqua]

hey,

this doesnt make ne sense she told u tht by telling u ur her best frend she paid u a compliment....wot is she .....bull ****...if soemone considers nebody their best friend they behave like it.....she expects u to be in a romantic way with her......puhleez one doe not behave romantically with ur best friend until n unless they are ur gf/bf...........ask her to imagine doing such stuff with ehr best gurlfrend or she aint got nebody.............

 

ok here goes i got for u an example i have a best frend a guy whom i started liking and he used to talk abt other women and was not romantically inclined towards me but we both behaved absolutely normal neither of us got physical with each other still spoke abt everything n hung out like best frends do..........and as wwiu said dont end up doing things u cant always keep up with or give her diff signals if u like her then go for her or.just let her be wot she calls herself ur frnd and move on if u like someone romantically i think u shud pursue them instead of getting latched on to a relationship which is going nowhere but puzzling u more n more.......

 

i hope u found tht useful lemme know how things turn out...

 

aqua