I left home without my son

[Mum1830]

Hello everyone!

 

Come December 26th I'll be on my journey to start my divorce. I packed my bags and left home on Friday night because of the most humiliating fight with my husband while my son was infront of us listening to our conversation (which happens every time we argue, he always want our 9yr old son to listen to everything, literally everything because he wants my son to know, no secrets he'd say). After everything have said and done, he was screaming on top of his lungs and told me to leave. He said that he could collect child support and alimony from me because I'm the only one that has a stable job. He's self-employed barely making anything, his income is basically supporting his business expenses and child support for his other kid. I've been buying groceries, providing health benefits for the family, supporting my son's basic needs (school,clothing, etc.), these are all coming out from my own income and we each have separate bank accounts. He doesn't have a good credit history, I do so I opened a credit card in my name so he could use it. I have student loans, car loan, credit cards that I've been trying to pay, while he doesn't owe any money besides the bills from his business. He bought a piece of land and a building in his name.

 

With his miserable life in highschool and the bad relationship he had in the past, it created him an anger issue. I can never have a normal conversation with my husband because if it seems inconvenient, he wouldn't agree, he'd usually end up yelling. Yes, you can say he's verbally abusive. My son is very afraid of him, he'd go up and listen to him right away, if he doesn't he'd start screaming and swearing.

 

I would like to know if it's true that I will be oblige to pay him alimony and child support if I were to divorce him. He's been in and out of the court these past years fighting custody of his other kid so he can avoid paying his child support. I would like to know if I will still be able to get custody of my son even if I left him. I've been crying hard at night for my son. I know he's been threatening him and scaring him.

 

Please share me some thoughts. Thank you so much!

[DKT3]

While its horrible parenting to argue in front of your children, I'm not understanding why your humiliated plus your husband wanting him to hear...That indicates you've done something you would rather your son not know about.

 

If not, why in the world would you leave him with what sounds like a raging man?

 

I'm guessing by the use of certain words you are in the UK. I'm not well versed in the laws there, I know in the States were he seen as the custodial parent it would not only be possible but very likely

Edited December 24, 2018 by DKT3

[Mum1830]

He wanted to buy the building next to his shop and get a loan with my name on it. After I said I can't because I am still paying my loans and my credit card, yes he was in rage with that. He got so mad about why I owe from the credit card. I told him that with all the bills I have to pay, I needed to use a credit card to back me up because like I said on my post, he wasn't helping with any of our expenses. I hope you're getting what I mean, I am THE ONLY ONE providing financially. No, I do not want my son to hear any of our argument. I am humiliated because after all these years, what he's conveying to my son is that what I have done supporting my family financially isn't good enough. While he hasn't even drop a penny to pay my son's school lunch. I am not a very outspoken person like him, it is humiliating when you're trying to justify yourself infront of your kid and he's loud voice echoes out the whole living room, preventing you to speak up and defend yourself.

 

Also, I'm not from the UK. I live in Minnesota.

Edited December 24, 2018 by Mum1830

[anika99]

I'm not understanding why you left your son with an angry man whom he is afraid of.

 

In any case, if your husband is awarded primary custody of course you will be required to pay child support and I would think that you would want to continue to support your son. I don't know about alimony. I think it depends on the laws where you live but if you were the primary earner in the family then yes you may be required to pay alimony, at least for a while.

[DKT3]

You need to go home asap. If you dont feel in danger. It's a bad look to leave the home. It could appear to the court that you've abandoned your child.

[bathtub-row]

You must be completely out of your mind to be abandoning your son to this idiot that you married. What could you be thinking???

 

Do not abandon your son. Take him with you.

 

If you think for one second the courts will give you custody after you willingly left your son, you’re mistaken. Who gives a fig about child support? You’re the mom and the breadwinner. What on earth is there to fear? Your husband doesn’t have a leg to stand on and he knows it. He’s saying those things in order to put fear in you. Surely you’re smart enough to know that he’s full of crap and that leaving your son at the mercy of this crazy person is the most horrible thing you could possibly do. If I were you, I’d not only take my son but I’d file for supervised visitation only for the dad.

[Wallysbears]

Go get your son. Do not leave him with a raging man.

[BaileyB]

I packed my bags and left home on Friday night because of the most humiliating fight with my husband while my son was infront of us listening to our conversation (which happens every time we argue, he always want our 9yr old son to listen to everything, literally everything because he wants my son to know, no secrets he'd say).

 

This is child abuse.

 

You need a lawyer. Only a lawyer can tell you what will happen with child support, alimony, and the division of property. As to child custody, gather evident that this guy is a deadbeat father who doesn't support his other child. It will be helpful as you fight for custody of your son.

 

And fight for custody of you son you must do. He must feel like he has been abandoned in the home with his father right now. You must find a way to remove him from the home. Call a woman's shelter or the police to get assistance if you must. You can not leave a child with that man! You must do everything you can to protect him and then you both need to get some counselling. You have both lived in an abusive home and you have a lot of work to do to heal from that...

 

Good luck.

Edited December 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

You must be completely out of your mind to be abandoning your son to this idiot that you married. What could you be thinking???

 

Do not abandon your son. Take him with you.

 

Amen.

 

Mum1830, I'm trying to understand how this level of emotional abuse was so unbearable for you you had to leave but tolerable enough for your son he could stay?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mum1830]

My husband is 5'11 and I'm 5'0, he weights 235lbs I'm 120. One swing of his arm I could ended up in the hospital or worse dead. No he never hurt me physically, but he'd been drinking that night I left. He was holding a glass of drink when I came home and poured some more in when it was gone. He drinks every night.

 

He was following me around the house. Was I supposed to stay there and wait until that glass lands on my face? My son isn't in physical danger but he is afraid of his voice louder than mine. While he was calling me worthless because I don't support his other personal plans, my son was there. He can badmouthed about his ex-partner whom he had a 16yr old with in front of my son and other adults in front of my son. Because of this my son doesn't listen to me as much as he does with him. He hated his ex-partner so much that he is making sure this other son of his would not end up loving me more than him.

 

I am going to find a lawyer, it just sucks that it happened on a holiday and everyone's out.

[BaileyB]

Amen.

 

Mum1830, I'm trying to understand how this level of emotional abuse was so unbearable for you you had to leave but tolerable enough for your son he could stay?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would like to give the benefit of the doubt that it was fear of this man that kept this mother from taking her son when she left.

 

But, fear should not stop you from doing what is required to get your son. Which is why, if you fear for your safety, you should call the police. Tell them what has happened. Get your son away from this man.

[Mum1830]

Amen.

 

Mum1830, I'm trying to understand how this level of emotional abuse was so unbearable for you you had to leave but tolerable enough for your son he could stay?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He wouldn't let me take him! Could I have called the cops? I don't know I guess this is all my fault, I stayed with him all these years, thinking he will get better.

[BaileyB]

He wouldn't let me take him! Could I have called the cops? I don't know I guess this is all my fault, I stayed with him all these years, thinking he will get better.

 

Yes! You were being threatened. You can still call the police. This man is abusive and your child's safety is at risk.

 

Consider this, you have left your child in an unsafe situation. If CPS is called right now, in the eyes of the law you would both be considered negligent parents. You could both lose custody of your child.

 

It is not your fault. You have been in an abusive marriage. Educate yourself about abuse and you will see that many women stay hoping it will get better... The thing is, it never does. You are right to leave, you need to get your son out of that home.

Edited December 24, 2018 by BaileyB

[nittygritty]

My husband is 5'11 and I'm 5'0, he weights 235lbs I'm 120. One swing of his arm I could ended up in the hospital or worse dead. No he never hurt me physically, but he'd been drinking that night I left. He was holding a glass of drink when I came home and poured some more in when it was gone. He drinks every night.

 

He was following me around the house. Was I supposed to stay there and wait until that glass lands on my face? My son isn't in physical danger but he is afraid of his voice louder than mine. While he was calling me worthless because I don't support his other personal plans, my son was there. He can badmouthed about his ex-partner whom he had a 16yr old with in front of my son and other adults in front of my son. Because of this my son doesn't listen to me as much as he does with him. He hated his ex-partner so much that he is making sure this other son of his would not end up loving me more than him.

 

I am going to find a lawyer, it just sucks that it happened on a holiday and everyone's out.

 

You picked him. You’ve stayed with him for at least 9 years. Allowed it to escalate rather than protecting and keeping your baby safe from this alcoholic abusive monster. And then you left your child with him because you were afraid of him? Why didn’t you call the police? Even if they didn’t do anything at least you would have had a police report to show a judge that they were called because he was drunk and being abusive. Now you also appear to be an unfit parent.

 

Yes you need to call a lawyer today. If it were me, I’d also be calling my husband and apologizing and lying saying that I want to work it out so that I could protect my child until I got an emergency temporary order in place if I couldn’t get a lawyer today and get legal protection for my child and myself. The emotional trauma that your child has witnessed including you leaving him with that monster is child abuse. Grow up and take some responsibility for the bad choices you keep making. Freeze the credit card that’s in your name that you gave to him. Team up with his ex wife and go after him with everything you can to protect your child.

[Tamfana]

He wouldn't let me take him! Could I have called the cops? I don't know I guess this is all my fault, I stayed with him all these years, thinking he will get better.

 

It is not your fault. Your husband's an abusive alcoholic and he's the only person responsible for his behavior. Abusive people and alcoholics are notorious for blaming instead of fixing problems or meeting responsibilities. It's just another dimension of their twisted behavior. None of that is your fault.

 

I agree with the others to get an attorney and get your son. Yes, you might have to pay child support and alimony but it's more likely that you'll pay alimony or more alimony after you've been married 10 years, so file for divorce as soon as possible.

 

Most of all, be safe.

[kp96]

You need to go home asap. If you dont feel in danger. It's a bad look to leave the home. It could appear to the court that you've abandoned your child.

 

I agree with this. Go home. I am currently in the middle of a divorce and (long story short) I still live with my wife and both her parents. All 3 of them hate my guts. My wife admitted to recording everything I do in case I slip up, so that she can use it against me in court.

 

Even in this environment I stay because my attorney has told me that if I leave, it will really hurt my custody case.

[kp96]

My husband is 5'11 and I'm 5'0, he weights 235lbs I'm 120. One swing of his arm I could ended up in the hospital or worse dead. No he never hurt me physically, but he'd been drinking that night I left. He was holding a glass of drink when I came home and poured some more in when it was gone. He drinks every night.

 

He was following me around the house. Was I supposed to stay there and wait until that glass lands on my face? My son isn't in physical danger but he is afraid of his voice louder than mine. While he was calling me worthless because I don't support his other personal plans, my son was there. He can badmouthed about his ex-partner whom he had a 16yr old with in front of my son and other adults in front of my son. Because of this my son doesn't listen to me as much as he does with him. He hated his ex-partner so much that he is making sure this other son of his would not end up loving me more than him.

 

I am going to find a lawyer, it just sucks that it happened on a holiday and everyone's out.

 

This is tough. I was going to say you should get a temporary restraining order and have him out, and then file divorce. The problem is that once you show up in court to get a more permanent order, you will have to prove to the court why, and I don't think you have any evidence.

 

Talk to a lawyer, that's the best thing to do now. Just make sure you keep in your mind that the lawyer wants to make money, so if they are trying to convince you to file, think hard about what you really want. Maybe your husband will go to counseling.

[BaileyB]

Maybe your husband will go to counseling.

 

I wouldn't expect counselling to help an abusive alcoholic with anger issues. I would never advise a woman who fears for her safety to stay with a man with the hope that he would go for counselling. I doubt he would attend, and I doubt he is willing to change. There seems to be a definite pattern in his relationships.

[2.50 a gallon]

mum1830

 

 

Google "Minnesota Divorce Laws" just to get an idea of what is what.

[Mum1830]

Thank you so much everyone for all the inputs you've shared when I dire needed them!

 

I did go back home on Christmas Eve per all your suggestions. Me and my husband had a long good talk. We thought thoroughly why it went South and came up with a solution. Like some said I married him and been with him for over 9 years and we have come a long ways to just give up. We are going to work this out!

 

Thank you again and may God bless us all!

[bathtub-row]

Thank you so much everyone for all the inputs you've shared when I dire needed them!

 

I did go back home on Christmas Eve per all your suggestions. Me and my husband had a long good talk. We thought thoroughly why it went South and came up with a solution. Like some said I married him and been with him for over 9 years and we have come a long ways to just give up. We are going to work this out!

 

Thank you again and may God bless us all!

 

This is just talk on his part. Wise up, lay low, play it smart and, when it’s safe, leave that hell you’re in — with your son. Your husband cannot be fixed and he will destroy your life and your son’s if you let him.

 

I’m not being negative. These people and their behaviors are well-documented. He cannot and will not change. I can assure you that there will be another explosion. And now the anger in him is rising because he knows you’re capable of leaving. Watch him turn up the heat. And either you’re going to finally get fed up with it all and leave for good, or you’ll cave in and let him suck your soul dry. Sorry to rain on your parade but those are the facts. Sit back and watch the show.

[preraph]

You're going to have to get an attorney. If you were the only money maker and that left him sole responsibility for the kids, maybe. But I tell you what, the judge is NOT going to like that he insists on fighting in front of the 9 yr old, so you start writing down a log of things like that and dates if you know them, anything specific you can remember. You need an attorney asap.

[vla1120]

Thank you so much everyone for all the inputs you've shared when I dire needed them!

 

I did go back home on Christmas Eve per all your suggestions. Me and my husband had a long good talk. We thought thoroughly why it went South and came up with a solution. Like some said I married him and been with him for over 9 years and we have come a long ways to just give up. We are going to work this out!

 

Thank you again and may God bless us all!

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but men like that do not change on a dime. Stay on your toes. Document every incident. Seek help and make a plan to get out safely with your son - for good.

[BaileyB]

Thank you so much everyone for all the inputs you've shared when I dire needed them!

 

I did go back home on Christmas Eve per all your suggestions. Me and my husband had a long good talk. We thought thoroughly why it went South and came up with a solution. Like some said I married him and been with him for over 9 years and we have come a long ways to just give up. We are going to work this out!

 

Thank you again and may God bless us all!

 

You have gone back to your abuser. I'm sorry to hear that.

 

Please, do not allow him to fight in front of your child anymore. That can not happen, ever again.

 

And have an exit plan ready - you will need it, someday.