ironpony Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 (edited) My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now and it's going very well so far, but one thing that has been kind of in the way for me, attraction wise, is that she dresses kind of tomboyish. She also doesn't wear any make up it seems, or at least not enough for me to notice. I even saw my gf at photos where she was a bridesmaid, and she looked a lot prettier I thought, and I was thinking wow, why can't she dress half as feminine as that more often... Now I will probably get some heat on here for saying this, with people maybe thinking, get your head out of the 1950s, cause women do not have to dress femininely nowadays. But if it were the other way around and a woman had a boyfriend who dressed significantly effeminate, a lot of women would see this as somewhat of an attraction barrier. She said that it's because she doesn't have much confidence that she dresses how she does, but I found this be to be kind of an ironic statement cause I thought it would take more guts for a woman to dress tomboyish, but what do I know. But what do you think? Should I try to persuade her to dress more feminine and try to mean it as a confidence boost for her? I've actually told her before that she would look even more pretty if she dressed like that more often but it didn't take, but at the same time I don't want to push it too much either. Edited December 25, 2018 by ironpony
Gretchen12 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Take her to nice events where all the ladies are in evening gowns. If you take her to the baseball game she'd be wearing a baseball cap. Take her to Hawaii, she'd be in a swimsuit. Take her hiking, she'd be in hiking boots. 1
Cersei Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I am a tomboy who likes to lift weights and operate my snowblower. I dress up for funerals and weddings or other events as needed. If my dude told me to dress more feminine I would be very hurt. Tread lightly with this! 1
edgygirl Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I just want to point out that although I'm quite the feminist, I have a traditional side and I don't think you're being outrageous. I think there's some biological element to attraction, and both men and women cannot help what we're attracted to. It's interesting you're saying this because a man I am going on a first date with this week told me yesterday I seem quite "feminine and delicate"... which I don't think I am. It kept me wondering... this is prob what most men are attracted to in women, prob from an evolutionary / biological point of view. I find this fascinating. Do you guys feel that's the case with a majority of men? Now I will probably get some heat on here for saying this, with people maybe thinking, get your head out of the 1950s, cause women do not have to dress femininely nowadays.
losangelena Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I interpret her statement as “I don’t want people to notice me because of what I wear,” so “tomboy” fashion is probably more comfortable in that sense. She doesn’t have to worry about men leering at her breasts or legs if she’s wearing a sweater and pants. I mean, of course she’s going to look prettier than normal in a bridesmaids photo—she’s wearing makeup that a camera can pick up, and she’s dressed to the nines. But very few women dress like they’re in wedding parties all the time. If you’re going to go down this road, I would take very babyish steps. Don’t just leap to dresses and low-cut tops. Go shopping with her (I looooved shopping with my ex), and point out feminine or form-fitting versions of what she already wears, and suggest she try them on. See how that goes. Body image is a really sensitive topic for the majority of women, and because she’s told you she dresses the way she does expressly because she lacks confidence (instead of it simply being her style), you pressing her to dress differently for the sake of your willy could backfire spectacularly.
Purepony Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Iron pony ?? Iron pony meet purepony. And I have the same same dilemma except we havent been dating that long How have you coped with this because it really irritates me And also check out this thread https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/672542-she-wears-purple-pants-4.html#post7698956
PRW Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Dress and act more masculine around her yourself, and she will tend to lean back to her feminine. Sexual polarity is a requirement in a relationship and often when a man embraces his masculinity the woman will naturally lean back into her feminine nature. I've seen the same thing with masculine women who were single and saw a very "hot" masculine man that they were attracted to and suddenly they were all "girly" when they were around him. It is very interesting to watch the transformation. Well, it is actually more complicated than that, but it is a starting point. Gretchen12's comment about the type of events you go to makes a difference too. I have a female friend like this and she decided to go to an event where everyone dressed up a little bit. She was a bit surprised to find out it was that way and almost didn't want to go. But I kept nudging her. She got into that mode of not being able to decide what to wear because although she had some good clothes she wasn't used to wearing them. When she asked me which of them she should wear I didn't get all wishy-washy and say "Whatever you want". Instead I pointed to specific items and said "That one, that one, and that one. You'll look great in that". She resisted a bit but I stayed firm on my choice of what I thought would look good. She put those on, looked great, and I gave her a ride over there (it wasn't a date between us). 1
ExpatInItaly Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Has this always been an issue for you, OP? I’m assuming she hasn’t changed her style since you met her, so what was it that attracted you to her in the first place? I get that many guys like to see their lady dressed up sometimes but I’m curious to know what your baseline-level of attraction to her was to begin with. If you start hinting around now that you prefer more feminine attire and makeup, she’s likely going to feel insecure about your attraction to her when she dresses to reflect who she is, rather than who you want her to be. If she’s comfortable with who she is and how she dresses, can you accept that and drop the idea of changing her style? Or does her current preference in clothing affect your attraction to her that much?
Lotsgoingon Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Yeah, this is, as so many issues in relationships, kinda touchy and complicated. But I will say this ... there is always self-image involved in how we dress. I dated a beautiful woman who really dressed in the most plain, drab and boring way. Accidental? Just preference--with no big meaning attached? I don't think so. I sensed with this woman that there was a comfort issue--comfort with displaying her own beauty, displaying her own sexuality. She thought dressing sexy in the slightest degree was somehow tacky and inappropriate, even sluttish. She thought women dressing in a sexy way (not wildly sexy mind you) were desperately parading themselves--making themselves objects--for men. This woman grew up with a father had very publicly cheated on her mom with a neighbor. She never told me this, but I couldn't help but wonder if the woman her father cheated with dressed in a revealing and openly sexy way ... compared to the way her mom dressed. So she had a visceral reaction to dressing up. So there are often layers of stuff below the surface that can lead people to want to avoid dressing up. An older woman in my own family was sexually abused growing up ... and sure enough, when she hit adulthood, she dressed in the most unsexy, drab way ... designed to hide her body and minimize any attractiveness or sexuality. Well, this woman went to support groups, did a lot of healing from the abuse, began to publicly talk about the abuse, and worked to accept her sexuality ... and by her 70s, she was wearing the most elegant, colorful outfits, with nice makeup ... and all extremely classy and tasteful. This family member looked way better in her 70s than she did in her 30s and 40s! And totally tastefully so. So tread lightly, as someone else said. Here's the best step to take if you want to encourage her to dress in a way you find more attractive. And this is something that women used on me when I used to dress like a bum--because of my own issues at the time with sexuality. Whenever you see her looking great, whether in person or in an old photo, go nuts with the praise about how beautiful she looks. Avoid the "you should be dressing like this now." Instead, just let your enthusiasm about her outfits and her appearance come out. Colors, materials, particular jewelry ... anything she wears that you think is nice ... tell her! Positive reinforcement is about all you can do. And listen: you might hear some issues about sexuality if you listen carefully. 1
Author ironpony Posted December 25, 2018 Author Posted December 25, 2018 (edited) Yeah that is what my gf said too, when I wanted her to meet my parents I picked out one of her clothes and she thought it might look too 'tacky' was the word she used but I didn't think it was too un-subtle. But then she got me self-conscious about meeting my parents, and I started thinking well maybe's she's right, I don't want to over-sexualize her. But maybe I wasn't and a dress that is not really revealing, but just a little maybe, might have been okay... As for how I dress, I would say casual guy clothes like jeans and t-shirts and things like that. It was said on here that if I dress more masculine that might bring her out to dress more feminine? As for past issues, she divorced a couple of years ago, after getting married out of high school, and the guy, according to things she has told me, treated her the opposite and didn't want bring out her sexuality at all it seems from my point of view... if this could have anything to do with it. Edited December 25, 2018 by ironpony
Purepony Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I agree with a lot of the points said but how did you get through for almost a year ?
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Touchy subject. I remember my ex told me to dress more innocent, and get out of wearing lower cut t-shirts and tight jeans. I felt he wanted a different girl and he was bored with me. It was upsetting. The only thing I can think of that wouldn't bend her out of shape over this is to take her out shopping and open your wallet for new clothes you would like to see her in. Start small tho, like a nice scarf, cute pair of boots......
PRW Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 As for how I dress, I would say casual guy clothes like jeans and t-shirts and things like that. It was said on here that if I dress more masculine that might bring her out to dress more feminine? Act, not dress. Act. How you present yourself. I present it as a principle, as an FYI. I have no idea what you act like in person. You will have to do more than jeans and a t-shirt yourself. Jeans & t-shirt can present yourself as immature, that you have never grown up. I'm pointing my finger back at myself a bit on that since I dress that way most of the time too. Dressing up a little, maybe "business casual" at least, whenever you go out some evenings will be a big encouragement for her to do the same. As for past issues, she divorced a couple of years ago, after getting married out of high school, and the guy, according to things she has told me, treated her the opposite and didn't want bring out her sexuality at all it seems from my point of view... if this could have anything to do with it. He was probably very insecure/jealous and was afraid if she dressed and acted more feminine that he would have more competition and some guy would come along a take her away from him
BettyDraper Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Buy your girlfriend a dress. Pay for a professional makeup artist to give your girlfriend a makeover. Tell her that you’re taking her out on a date. Dress nicely and take her to a fine dining restaurant. Gush over her appearance. How traditional is your relationship? 1
PRW Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 (edited) Buy your girlfriend a dress. Pay for a professional makeup artist to give your girlfriend a makeover. Hmm... I don't know. Most women I have met like he describes would be insulted by that. They take it as you telling them that they NEED a makeover, and if you are going to go through all that effort to make it happen then you think she needs a make over really really bad. BTW - To the OP: I meant "dress and act". It is a whole package that you present. Edited December 25, 2018 by PRW 1
losangelena Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I have a problem when men who choose to wear t-shirts and jeans all the time want their women to dress “sexy.” If you want her to put in more effort, you don’t get to sit there and slum it. You elevate your style, too. That double standard really drives me up the wall. 9
PRW Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I have a problem when men who choose to wear t-shirts and jeans all the time want their women to dress “sexy.” If you want her to put in more effort, you don’t get to sit there and slum it. You elevate your style, too. That double standard really drives me up the wall. Yes. Well said.
preraph Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 I think women should never always dress tomboyish. And this is coming from someone who spent decades in cowboy boots. But you should dress up sometimes and not get stuck in a rut. Women who dress the same every day are just stuck in a rut. Half the time they think baggy clothes makes them look better and they just don't know how to dress. You can't be pushy about it, but you can mention sometime in passing that you love to see women in dresses or feminine blouses. You can also ask her, "Hey, do you want to dress up in a couple of weeks and go to (upscale restaurant)?" You have to give her time to shop. Also do tell her you never saw her look so pretty as at that wedding. But I got to tell you, people dig in and are resistant to change. She'll say, I guarantee you, "I just want to be comfortable," as if you can't be comfortable in a feminine blouse and skirt or trousers instead of jeans and a pretty flat instead of athletic shoes. 1
Gretchen12 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Dress and act more masculine around her yourself, and she will tend to lean back to her feminine. Exactly. Sometimes the guy wants the woman to look feminine, but he himself is like a boy. 1
Gretchen12 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Also, the men who really know a lot about women's fashion, are gay. So OP be careful not to get into too much detail about her clothes. Who is the woman here? And you're not her girlfriend. To start wearing more dresses is a bit more difficult in the winter because so much is about the shoes. 1
See-Me-Feel-Me Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Hmm... I don't know. Most women I have met like he describes would be insulted by that. They take it as you telling them that they NEED a makeover, and if you are going to go through all that effort to make it happen then you think she needs a make over really really bad. BTW - To the OP: I meant "dress and act". It is a whole package that you present. I agree with Betty's advice. The makeover might be pushing it but buy her some clothes that you would like to see her in. She should take the hint. Try to communicate that she has so much more potential to knock people's sox off and you want to have the privilege of seeing her that way. My ex wore rugby shirts. I had to give her some jibes that that wasn't gonna fly. She acquiesced without conflict--I bought her a sexy leopard bath robe to start.
basil67 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 As for how I dress, I would say casual guy clothes like jeans and t-shirts and things like that. My husband dresses like you do and secretly I wish he'd put in more effort. But I recognise that he doesn't make me dress in ways which I don't want, so I don't push him into clothes which aren't what he wants. In short, we love each other how we are. If you're comfortable with what you wear, let her be comfortable in what she wears.
Larry56 Posted December 25, 2018 Posted December 25, 2018 Usually the girls who dress up really well and feminine usually do it for the attention they get from other men. I only know the gfs of the most alpha guys will *feel* like doing it but I suspect that's cause they are worried they'll lose their men. Every girl I've ever dated just dressed up once and then never again. I always found that really sad but I believe that's down to them not wanting to be provocative or be looked at. The way a woman dresses is really part of who the women is at the core of themselves so asking them to do anything just really insults them but that's why men typically think girls are hypocrites because women will complain endlessly about how men dress but then again, they think the rules don't apply to them.
Author ironpony Posted December 26, 2018 Author Posted December 26, 2018 Exactly. Sometimes the guy wants the woman to look feminine, but he himself is like a boy. Okay thanks, if I am like a boy and jeans and t-shirts are not manly enough, than what should I wear. Suits? Like for example, when I got out, a lot of times I will wear this leather jacket which my friends and women friends have given me compliments on, saying I look really good in it. But if I wear suits or nice clothes, would that go well, with the leather jacket?
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