Don’t know and I can’t seem to get any anytime soon.

[josephangel00]

Im in a situation looking for some advice on what to do. I been in a relation with a woman named “Daria” and there has been many up and downs and right now I feel I’m in the most difficult situation I could be in this woman and i just don’t know what to do. We had issue’s for awhile in our relationship where we argued a lot and I would let her know things i was NOT happy with in the relationship in hopes that she can fix it or work on them. Issue’s of frustration keep going and going and never seemed to end. I tried to let her go twice but I would get the replies such as “ Seriously you are gonna do this?” and such. In other words I felt i got guilt tripped twice. Some point in our relationship I was VERY angry with her and upset from not seeing any improvements from our problems. As a outlet from our problems I unfortunately have cheated. I like to foremost say I’m not proud of it and i do feel VERY ashamed of myself and dirty. I did this 5 times. As you can imagine I got caught. One day I fell asleep and she went through my phone without my permission and found messages, pictures, etc. She then took it upon herself to take screenshots of these pictures and messages. 1 of them was message between myself and a stripper . I of course got her frustration, anger, and she informed me how i killed her self esteem, I ruined her life, and everything painful. This all came crashing down about a month ago. She has ever since kept questioning me and throwing fits at me. She claims she is here because she wants to be and if she didn’t want this relationship she wouldn’t talk to me anymore period and wouldn’t waste her time but at the same time she constantly talking down to me as if I am her enemy and claims i am not humble or sorry for what I did and claims until she see’s any of that she will continue to think Im only sorry because i got caught and lied. She constantly rubs in my face about the stripper text and says how I am dirty and I should be ashamed. I feel right now it is like a jackal and hyde situation where she is happy for a few days then reverts. She made me delete/block a lot of girls on my Facebook page which i did. She still continues to harshly question me about females on Facebook and i of course try to say what my feelings are and emotions and she claims I’m not humble and i get defensive and rubs in my face that being defensive brings her back to the initial feeling of when she first found out all this. She even said she saved this screenshots and said “i will send these to whoever i have to if you hurt my feelings ever again!” and I asked her if this was some kind of black mail or threat and she either doesn’t answer the question or says “take it however you want”. I have a daughter and love her more than anything and I would hate for Daria to try to use this as a way to get back at me. I tried to help her move on and nothing is working. She rubs in my face things like “oh you have no money right yet you have xx amount of dollars to waste on the stripper”,”oh you have feelings? did you think about my feelings when you did what you did? “ , “you are only sorry because you got caught, not because your humble or guinine or guilty about what you did!”, etc…. I am also a veteran with PTSD so as you can imagine these things to set off my PTSD and episodes . I went back to Veteran affair for help with my PTSD. She compares me constantly to her baby’s father who also cheated but his father does not support his kid or gives her any child support. I helped Daria through her financial problems (this happened after she found out) and gave her $500 to allow her to get her **** in order with her life, for mass i bought her lots of presents and I even bought gifts for her son. She still continues to question me about females and when i express my feelings I’m getting harsh backlash. I tried to tell her this situation is eating me alive inside and is killing me but all i get is “well who’s fault is that”, “why didn’t you think before you cheated”, “was paying that stripper worth it?”, etc, In other words Harsh guilt tripping. Im honestly been feeling lower than low and had nightmares, lost a lot of sleep, and have engaged some self harm (nothing fatal) and but now I have thoughts that i could commit suicide if this pain does not end. I tried explaining this and all i get is backlash. She goes “how do you think i feel?” , “ i lost sleep too”, “I’m having nightmares too”, “i want this pain to go away”, etc. She puts all this on me like “this is your fault and not mines so you need to fix it” and feels she doesn’t have to do anything and can be mad as long as she likes/wants to be. I sincere apologized for everything, took full responsibility for my actions, started seeking help, etc.. We had another pow wow last night where she questioned me about females on Facebook and i openly discussed to her (I’m a nightclub dj on the side so you can imagine i use fb as a form of marketing myself and I tried to kindly explain how this effects my dj business she wasn’t having it and i got harsh backlash and she claimed yet again I’m not humble , not truly sorry, and i was being defensive. She claims getting defensive is just a bad as lying or cheating. She still has these photos and I said that i can just openly tell everyone about this situation and make myself look bad and she was like “no don’t do that, you go around tell your friends what happened it makes me feel like a fool and a piece of ****”. I have’t told my family of this situation or any of my friends but this feeling is killing and i feel i can’t hold this inside anymore. I especially don’t like how she somewhat implies on using these screen shots to incriminate me yet she doesn’t want me tell anybody about this situation . I scheduled couple’s therapy/counseling as a last resort. hoping this will get everything back on track. she says she will go. She claimed though that because these are veteran affair counselors that she thinks they will show favoritism towards me . Im honestly just want to get through this and onto better days however do you guys feel she will just constatly hold a grunge and imply threats? Am i getting what i deserve? i love my daughter VERY much and I feel it is wrong to use her to get to me. (referring to these screen shots and photos she took with her phone).

 

any advice would help please.

[Garcon1986]

Welcome aboard old chap.

 

The priorities here are:

1. Stay in control of your emotions. No outbursts are acceptable.

2. Uphold the safety of your daughter, no matter what.

3. Don't ever think about hurting yourself. Your family, and your Loveshack family, cares about you very much.

 

Then-

 

1. Get your PTSD as cured as possible. No future woman will want to be around a man with PTSD just boiling underneath the surface.

2. Cheating as an outlet to your frustrations is always the wrong thing to do. It's like throwing a bandaid on a arm that's been shot off.

3. You need to actually verbalize what her concerns are (outside of the cheating stuff), and what your concerns are about her. We can't fix problems we can't visualize. Too many relationships die because of the intrinsic communication differences between men and women. Tell us what your actual gripes are, then we can discuss them with you. In a situation like what you described, you are both in the wrong.

[preraph]

Don't ever expect a good outcome if you insult a woman by seeing a stripper. How would you like it if she cheated with a male stripper?

 

 

That said, you've been wanting out of the relationship, so get out of it. You don't sound ready for commitment. Good luck with the PTSD, etc. You don't need her agreement to get out of this. It's corrupted now and will NEVER be the same. Trust is broken on both sides. It's over.

[josephangel00]

I posted this same topic in another forum and im sharing a qoute and my reply to it. Let me know what you guys think....

 

 

 

 

 

"It is completely normal to suspect a known cheater will cheat again. it of course is wrong for her to blackmail and pander your daughter as the victim to retain your loyalty in face of her emotional abuse. you should face it sooner or later your cheating will surface to your family and friends. would not be surprised if some already know. I suggest you bite the bullet and explain to your daughter, friends and family before the exposure. this will clear the environment for you dump her and start working on establishing a healthy relationship with someone new. this would be in the best interest of everyone involved in this drama. "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My reply is...

 

 

 

Actually I have explained to my parents, my closest friends, and even Veteran Affairs the situation. I told Daria I am ready to bite the bullet on this subject and she is like "no, you will make me look like a fool if you do that" and I had to ask my close family and friends to not say a word about this. My 2 best friends and Veteran affairs advised me to get out of this relationship. Currently we are looking into going to couple's conseling/therapy. Yesterday I was dissapointed that she tolde me in a discussin last night she kept claiming she wants to move on, forgive, and get over this situation already yet she hasn't researched any tips/tools she can use to help herself. In my eyes it looks like she doesn't care enough because like the old saying goes "in order to get help you have to help yourself first" and honestly she is acting like she is waiting on someone else to do work for her. Her excuse was "reason i haven't is because yeaah you might have looked for tools/tips for youself and thats good, however I need guidance and someone to help point us in the right direction with tools/tips we can booth agree to use" and yes while i understand where she is coming from but i would think if she really cares she would at least research a basic foundation for forgiving/coping which she has not. am i wrong here?