Fell in love with an engaged man who was in a LDR... now she's here **Updated**

[pepperbird]

If you are just telling her to get back at him, don;t.

 

 

If you are serious about her needing to know because you feel it's the right thing to do, then back it up. Don't just send her an anonymous message. Own what you're done. Show actual evidence ( copies of texts, chat logs, anything he sent you, etc.) Apologize and let her know that if she has any questions, you can be reached at such and such email address ( create a web based one for this) and you will do your best to answer. Tell her you will do so once, and after that, you wish to be left alone.

 

 

 

You don't have to give her your name, but keep in mind..you can't blame this on him. As I said, own it, apologize and answer questions once. After that, move on and be glad he's in your rear view mirror.

[elaine567]

He is really in to those disturbing live leak/ people getting murdered videos. He'd also talk about how he'd get revenge on someone. If they did something wrong he would not do it immediately, but wait until that person has gotten married and has kids. Finally he told me about a time a kid made fun of his mother so he destroyed their house and almost poured boiling water on him. There's other things too besides this.

If this is truly the type of man he is, then why on earth would want to blow up his marriage?

He is not going to forget that in a hurry is he?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You got involved with a married man, so you're not completely innocent here. Wanting to hurt him implies you feel you have been wronged.....but you also DID wrong, so wash your hands of it, move on and decide to never do that again. Maybe just accept your resentment as Karma.

[preraph]

Theirs may or may not be a marriage of convenience in which she doesn't even care as long as he pays the bills. You don't know. He's nothing but a serial cheater, so I don't know what there is to love about him. Why don't you stop wasting your time. I mean, the best possible ending for you is you manage to end up with this guy as a husband who you already know will cheat on you. Wake up!

[elaine567]

You are pee'd off, you played the game to win it and like so many OWs find it is not winnable, it never was...

[PRW]

We are all 22 years old. She will be 23 soon. No children are involved.

well, that takes pressure off. But then, what does it benefit you to tell her? He is a 22yo "kid", he probably has others beside you. If you knew he was married then you are just as bad as him. If you didn't know he was married then what would the point be,...vengeance? Either he will get his act together and they will save their marriage,...or he will cheat with another and eventually get caught and they will be divorcees the rest of their lives. I don't see that you really fit into it.

[darkmoon]

she probably knows that he works late or has to go for a drink with the boss, he makes excuses not to go home and he lies... so that he can fool around

 

 

no, do not hurt the poor woman ... isn't her lonely life bad enough?

[pa2k]

I wouldn't..because it would end up hurting you more than him, and he has probably told her BS about you already, so its doubtful she will believe you, but even if she did, it wouldn't change much except piss him off and unite them against you.

 

Even if she caught him in bed with someone else, she will not leave him. Although Vietnam is very beautiful, North America is better for opportunity. I had a friend who was an engineer in Vietnam, and he works at a nail salon...because he loves shellac and spa chairs? No, because it was better to come here and do nails until his immigration is settled and once a citizen, he could go on and use his education to do better things. That was with a good education, if she has no education, she will cling to him even more no matter what he does.

 

The him being dangerous, who knows what he is thinking or if he is potentially dangerous or if it's fantasy. In the meantime, it's not worth your worry if you have to be looking over your shoulder after pissing him off. He probably isn't dangerous, but why even risk it.

 

Look at some threads here of some OWs who told. More often than not, they regretted it. The best thing to do is delete them from FB, don't even occasionally check their FB, it will only hurt you in the end. You are young and have lots of opportunities to find someone not a horrible person like this guy.

 

I wish you healing, hope and love

[Starswillshine]

Thinking from a purely selfish point of view... what would this bring you? What good, what bad? I see zero good from this. Only more drama and potential safety issues. Cut bait, realize you are young and have lots of life to live... and get on to living.

[stillafool]

I didn't care. I'll admit that throughout the whole relationship he's portrayed her as someone I would not like. And I understand that is unfair of me to have an opinion like that of her because I don't actually know her. I don't want to hurt her, I want to hurt him. And I think she should have a right to find out. I told him before I feel like he might cheat again after me and he didn't deny it, he just went silent . I don't know what to do.

 

You want to tell her out of revenge and jealousy of his new OW. You are bitter and you need to let it go. If you want to be angry at someone be angry at yourself for getting involved with someone else's husband.

[Simple Logic]

If it gives you some closure, go for it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Sounds to me as if this guy is not only a cheater, but super devious and sick, in that he watches those creepy videos about murder.

 

In your place I'd get and stay as far away from such a person and his friends as possible. You never know what a man like that may do to you. It's not worth the risk to get further involved in his life in any way.

[Rayce]

Sounds to me as if this guy is not only a cheater, but super devious and sick, in that he watches those creepy videos about murder.

 

In your place I'd get and stay as far away from such a person and his friends as possible. You never know what a man like that may do to you. It's not worth the risk to get further involved in his life in any way.

 

Seriously... I agree this is enough to end it and just walk away. Leave the wife alone.

Edited January 23, 2019 by Rayce

[TheRainbow]

Are you wanting to tell her because you genuinely feel badly over sleeping with her partner? Or are you doing it because you are angry at your affair partner and want to get back at him? If it's the latter, then I'd really reconsider your motives. Do know by telling her you are willingly hurting her, if it's for the wrong reasons, or if you aren't open to some serious backlash from her, some questions etc. without being defensive.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I agree with Rainbow. If you do this, a month from now when you're being hounded (or worse) by both of them, you'll be thinking "why did I do this??"

[aliveagain]

In the thousands of posts I have made on this and other sites, my advice will almost always be the same, expose the affair to those that have influence over them and to the other betrayed spouse. The exception will always be, "unless it puts you or your family in danger." I believe your dealing with a sick and twisted individual and my advice is run, get yourself the help you need for future relationships so you don't make the same mistakes, block everyone of these people from your life. You may want to register a restraining order against him for your own protection, please seriously consider that.

[whichwayisup]

She knew I was his friend, and that I hung out with him a lot. I have her blocked on Facebook currently which she apparently questioned him on.

 

So you had no concern for her at all while you were having an affair with him but now that you've found out there were and are other OW he's been involved with you figure his wife should know the truth?

 

If you tell her, apologize to her for your part in hurting her and helping her husband betray her in the worst way. Don't put this all on him. Yes he is the one married to her but you knew he was married from day one, you knew she existed and still chose to have 2 year affair with him.

[wiltingrose]

So you had no concern for her at all while you were having an affair with him but now that you've found out there were and are other OW he's been involved with you figure his wife should know the truth?

 

If you tell her, apologize to her for your part in hurting her and helping her husband betray her in the worst way. Don't put this all on him. Yes he is the one married to her but you knew he was married from day one, you knew she existed and still chose to have 2 year affair with him.

 

I think everyone's seeming to miss it on my post. I DID NOT know he was married from day one. I thought he was single. Eventually I did find out there was a relationship and questioned him, and he told me they were pretending to be in a relationship and that it was a green card type situation to get her into the country. I know in Vietnam that happens a lot and I figured why would he be looking to date if it was a real relationship so no I did not know until I had given him my all and fell in love. I don't want to be vicious. I plan to make it as respectful as possible and I will apologize to her on my behalf.

[BaileyB]

I don't want to be vicious.

 

Well then, don’t.

 

Take the high road. Let it go.

 

Taking revenge on him by hurting another woman is not going to feel good. It will likely make you feel worse.

[anika99]

I read your other thread. You knew about his wife BEFORE he even married her. You may have thought he was single when you first got involved but you found out about his intention to marry relatively soon and still stayed involved with him until his wife arrived.

 

Just let it go. You won't accomplish anything by telling her. She won't believe you.

[wiltingrose]

And on the topic of the other woman: he had told my friend when she contacted him that he told every woman the truth about his relationship before starting anything. That's why I wanted to meet her to hear her side. She told me he had said the same lie to her as what he told me. He always told me she's a psychopath, which is funny because she's a wonderful person. Apparently he texted her today and told her he wishes he could meet up with her.

[wiltingrose]

I read your other thread. You knew about his wife BEFORE he even married her. You may have thought he was single when you first got involved but you found out about his intention to marry relatively soon and still stayed involved with him until his wife arrived.

 

Just let it go. You won't accomplish anything by telling her. She won't believe you.

 

I know I am not completely innocent here. I know I cheated with him. I know that's not a good thing to do. I wish I wasn't so attached to him and could have just let him go when I found out but I didn't. I didn't enjoy being the other woman, it was a constant awful feeling. But I loved him, and when he loved me back I felt whole.

[BTDT2012]

I know I am not completely innocent here. I know I cheated with him. I know that's not a good thing to do. I wish I wasn't so attached to him and could have just let him go when I found out but I didn't. I didn't enjoy being the other woman, it was a constant awful feeling. But I loved him, and when he loved me back I felt whole.

And therein lies the problem. You should come to a relationship whole, not expecting another person to make you whole.

[BaileyB]

And therein lies the problem. You should come to a relationship whole, not expecting another person to make you whole.

 

Probably a big part of the reason why you couldn’t walk away, when you clearly should have...

[Mrs._December]

It seems despite his negative actions, this man always gets his way. He just keeps hurting people without a hint of remorse.

Why do you THINK he continually gets away with this? Because women like you find out what a lying POS con artist he is and instead of being enraged at having been conned by him and kicking him to the curb, you STAY with him because "I had already caught feelings for him" as though that justifies completely disrespecting yourself.

 

If you're going to stay with someone who lied to you from Day #1 in order to use you for sex and fun (which is exactly what he did), then THAT'S how he continually gets away with it. Women who are willing to swallow their pride in order to hang onto him because of their 'feelings.'

 

I want to tell her. I have videos, photos, texts. I have all the proof. I hate living knowing this man always gets his way. Maybe I want revenge, and that's bad to say, but I HATE living keeping this in secret.

The time to TELL her was back when you found out what a lying POS this degenerate is. The ONLY reason you want to tell her now is because you're angry that he used you and dumped you. You should be angry at him but you should be MORE angry at yourself for allowing it once you knew how you were being scammed.

 

The woman I got lunch with brought up some disturbing facts I knew about him but I seemed to overlook. He is really in to those disturbing live leak/ people getting murdered videos. He'd also talk about how he'd get revenge on someone. If they did something wrong he would not do it immediately, but wait until that person has gotten married and has kids. Finally he told me about a time a kid made fun of his mother so he destroyed their house and almost poured boiling water on him. There's other things too besides this.

Rose, you didn't 'seem' to overlook this. You CHOSE to overlook it just like you CHOSE to overlook what a lying, cheating scammer this guy is.

 

If I tell I'll feel better, and I don't have to live with this weight inside me. but then if I do will I have to potentially worry about my own safety? I just don't know. I don't know what to do. Everyone will probably just say 'let it go' but I just can't. What should I do?

Come on, Rose. You were completely fine with all his lying and cheating back when you thought you were actually going to win this 'prize.' it was only when you realized what a liar he is - when he didn't honor ANY of the phony promises he made you once he got back with his bride - that you're suddenly so concerned with telling his wife everything.

 

Quite honestly, she deserves to know what a vile POS she really married and I hope someone tells her very soon before he brings home a deadly STD or makes her the 'star' of his next snuff film. This man is utterly and completely repugnant.