7 months on, still got questions

[an0nym0us123]

So ive posted about my break up before, no need to go over it all again. Basically girlfriend left me and started seeing someone else right away. I never found out for over 2 months.

 

When we broke up she told me she just wanted to be on her own to work on herself (bs excuse) and that we would get back together.

 

We spent 2 months the messaging back and fourth, her answers became more vague. Lot of maybes etc.

 

Then 2 months after we split she sent me a heart spilling message, she suddenly seemed to warm up to me.

 

I had almost given up hope so i asked her, "are you serious about getting back together?"

 

Her reply was, and i quote, "yes but im not sure when i will be ready"

 

At the time i believed her reasons for needing to be on her own and she had actually had gone to get help from someone.

 

It was a couple of weeks after telling me she wanted back together, that she told me shed been sleeping with someone else all the time but it wasnt a relation ship.

 

They now are in a relationship. I honestly dont miss her any more but the fact she told me she wanted back together even though she was starting a new relationship with someone else bothers me still.

 

Like why tell me that? It wasnt a breadcrumb, she actually told me she wanted back together but she didn't know when. And i believed her.

 

What caused her to send me a heart spilling message and to say this to me.

 

Was she confused? Stringing me along? She told me she was still in love with me at that point, was she?

 

Ive honestly moved on from her more or less but this part of the whole thing bothers me. I know every will say again just forget it all, and she was just playing games being selfish.

 

Im just trying to understand what motivated her to say this.

 

Thanks

[Beachead]

There are a lot of people out there that say things they feel in the moment. Things that won't apply the next day because suddenly they feel something else. People like this have no idea about themselves and are pulled around by their emotions as a result, instead of having control of it. That's what this was. Something that stemmed from having a moment where she remembered the good times and good feelings she shared with you in your relationship.

 

It doesn't even matter really because in the end, she left you in limbo and bounced to someone else. Disappeared from your life. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. A woman who wants you is committed to a future with you and therefore, will not risk losing you. You wouldn't need to decode anything. You wouldn't have doubts or questions about what they meant or what they feel. There would be no games. They will not sabotage the relationship.

 

I had an ex whom after we broke up, ran back to her own ex 2 days later. I put an end to the drama because I knew she missed him and wanted him back. Hints and red flags were all over the place. When she told me she was going back to him, she also tried to assure me that her feelings for me during our time together, were true. True. Lol. If this was 10 years ago, I would have held onto it and ended up a mess. But I've learned, people aren't that complicated OP.

 

If you focus only on what people tell you, you're going to find yourself eventually losing your mind. Especially if the actions don't match those words. Instead, concentrate on the actions and concentrate on how those actions made you feel. It will tell all. Words should only be taken as a supplement to strengthen what those actions already tell show us.

 

- Beach

Edited December 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ronni_W]

Was she confused? Stringing me along? She told me she was still in love with me at that point, was she? <snip>

 

Im just trying to understand what motivated her to say this.

From your post, yes -- it sounds more that she was confused than trying to string you along, playing games or still in love with you at that point (2 months after the break-up).

 

When we start working on ourselves, most often a lot of inner conflict comes up, but we still don't have the best or most constructive tools to deal with it or communicate it to others.

There isn't a 'motivation' to hurt or deceive, but often that's how other people experience it.

 

If you can, just put it down to her lack of coping skills, instead of taking it personally.

[an0nym0us123]

Thanks for the replies. I would like to believe she wasnt playing games, however she left me and starting seeing a new guy within a couple of weeks. Then 6 weeks after she was seeing him (i didnt know) she is spilling her heart out to me. Telling me she is serious about wanting back together, while with someone else!

 

A while after that she went on to tell me she had been sleeping with him, well things went sour pretty quickly. But she was still on the defensive, claiming it was nothing. Even then telling me she hoped we'd get back together after she admitted seeing someone else.

 

She claimed the whole break up was so she could do some soul searching, and couldnt be with anyone. Yet she went after someone else right away.

 

Why keep me going on hope 2 months after even though she was with another person. I know who she is with and he doesnt even know she was telling me this while they were together.

[basil67]

I get the feeling you want her to behave in a predictable and orderly manner so that you can make sense of it. But humans aren't predictable or orderly. They get confused. They think they want one thing and find out that they want another. Then they don't know what they want. It's all perfectly normal.

[an0nym0us123]

Basil, do you think she was torn at that point or deliberately deceptive?

[gcp]

Basil, do you think she was torn at that point or deliberately deceptive?

 

Honestly man, know one can tell you the answer to that. My ex and I dated for 6 months, last couple weeks of our relationship she got cold and distant, acting very confused and depressed. Ended up dumping me for her on/off again ex of 2 years. She was with him 3 days after our break up. It SUCKED, big time for me. I was in your shoes, I didn't know how someone could tell you they love you and then do that to you. But like everyone has said, some people are driven by there emotions and act on them, even if it doesn't make much sense. Don't blame yourself, don't look for answers. Just accept they made a decision and in the long run they are going to have to live with that decision. I'm right there with you, this happened to me a month ago, right after Thanksgiving. I had to return christmas gifts and everything. It's hard. But you want someone who knows what they want, in time you'll see her for what she really was/is and you will realize that you don't want or need that in your life. She's on her own journey now, let he figure it out. If you were a good guy to her than hold your head high, she'll remember you even if you two don't get back together.

[Simple Logic]

Why go boating in the big ocean without a life preserver.

[Beachead]

Thanks for the replies. I would like to believe she wasnt playing games, however she left me and starting seeing a new guy within a couple of weeks. Then 6 weeks after she was seeing him (i didnt know) she is spilling her heart out to me. Telling me she is serious about wanting back together, while with someone else!

 

A while after that she went on to tell me she had been sleeping with him, well things went sour pretty quickly. But she was still on the defensive, claiming it was nothing. Even then telling me she hoped we'd get back together after she admitted seeing someone else.

 

She claimed the whole break up was so she could do some soul searching, and couldnt be with anyone. Yet she went after someone else right away.

 

Why keep me going on hope 2 months after even though she was with another person. I know who she is with and he doesnt even know she was telling me this while they were together.

 

I feel you man. I do. I know what its like for a girl to say some stuff that just sticks in your mind and makes you sit on it for months upon months wondering why.

 

The soul searching part of it translates to "I want to be free to mess around with others and see if there's someone more suitable for me without having YOU to answer to because I am no longer interested or committed to this and I don't see a future with you."

 

It was a way to soften the blow, to spare your feelings and to justify her sh*tty actions. I've heard this excuse my whole life from numerous women, and after a little bit of time, it was really about wanting to date others. Likely, they already had someone lined up. And although there are a select few people out there who genuinely mean what they say when they tell you this, she is not one of them.

 

If I had to guess why she told you "She was seriously thinking about getting back together," it was likely because she got into a fight with that guy. And in the heat of the moment, in her anger, she remembered you and the way you treated her compared to the way he did, regarding whatever the situation was that pissed her off...and you won that round. But then they made up and that was that. So, while you held onto those words for this long, she put it behind her the very next day. If you've ever been mad at someone and impulsively said something hurtful only to later on wonder why you said such horrible things after you cooled down..that is what this is. The only difference is, instead of impulsively speaking out of anger, she impulsively spoke out of reminiscing. That is my best guess..but a guess nonetheless.

 

- Beach

Edited December 29, 2018 by Beachead

[brent878]

This woman sounds like an absolute train wreck and a child.

 

You dodged a bullet. Be happy and find a real woman.

[jtro243]

She gave you more than my ex did. Very similar situations you and I had.

 

Mine absolutely refused to talk to me, to give me closure, let me be at peace about this. I had to force it. I had to send a goodbye message to get any sort of response from her. I've settled things on my end so I am as close to at-peace as I can get. I still have a lot of questions myself, but you have to realize you may never get the answers you want, and even if you do, you can't take them at face value. Dumpers have a lot of face to save and guilt to deal with. Just understand that sometimes no answers are better than whatever bull**** they want to spew out.

 

Let that sleeping dog lay. It will only bite.