Packing my bags...hurting so bad

[JosiePosie]

I have made a couple of posts in the "dating" section, but I think now my situation belongs in this one. I am currently getting ready to pack my bags and leave our home. Last night really made me realize that him and I are at a standstill.

 

History....him and I became romantically involved November 2004. From the get-go, things moved fast. In December, I was practically living with him. Things were great, his family and son loved me. By March, I moved in officially after breaking my apartment lease. We talked about marriage, children, eventually getting a house, etc. We were so happy and got along very well.

 

Along the way, we dealt with his pill addiction, my difficulties in trust, his ex (mother of his son) picking fights with him, his lack of money due to contract work (they weren't paying when they were supposed to), bills, adjusting to one another, the list goes on.

 

Since the beginning of August, our relationship has dwindled. He applied for a job and was turned down. He later found out that the person who got the job was underqualified and basically won through association. This sent him off in a tailspin. He wrote letters to the human resources department and they weren't giving him clear answers. His frustration grew and grew. Also, his contract work was sporadic, not steady as initially thought. I understood his difficulties and tried to be there as much as I could. He was increasingly distant emotionally and physically.

 

We did sit down and discuss our issues. About a week ago, he said that he wanted time alone. To sort things out. I also decided to seek counselling to help me deal with emotional baggage and other things. So I kept away from him as much as possible. Whenever I saw him, he would be quiet and withdrawn. And I tried to suck it up as much as possible.

 

This past Sunday, I spent the day with my brother and his girlfriend. My boyfriend basically spent the day alone working on the Jeep and other things. When we met up late that evening, he was even again withdrawn and moody. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was very stressed out and didn't want to talk about it. He than got up and ran errand. Once he left, I called a cab and stayed with a friend for a couple of nights.

 

While at my friends, I thought to myself that I am allowing him to chase me away out of my home. So I wrote him an email saying that I was coming home. And that the only way I saw us working things out was through a counsellor. It takes two to make a relationship work.

 

I came home Tuesday after work. He didn't get home till later that evening. He seemed fine, not as quiet and withdrawn. Later that night, I got a call that one of my nephews was killed. I was distraught and he comforted me. I just recently lost a good friend/coworker to breast cancer, and my mother had to rushed into the hospital for emergency surgery. So the past three weeks have been trying to say the least for me. Including the relationship with my boyfriend.

 

Last night, he got home from work and we were distant with each other. When it was time to go to bed, I said goodnight and kissed him. Then I tried to hug him and he pulled back. He said that I haven't been listening to what he has been saying about wanting time to be alone and think. I asked if he wanted me to move out and he hesitated. He than got up and said that he couldn't talk about it now because he had to get up early for work. So he slept on the couch. I felt bad because I was pushing him to talk to me and he didn't want to.

 

My friends say that I don't deserve to be treated this way. And that he is rejecting me emotionally and physically. My mom is coming to pick me up. She wants me to pack myself and move out today. When I asked what he meant about giving him space, I am wondering emotional space?

 

I want to work this out but it is obvious at this time that he is not ready. There is a side of me that thinks that I am allowing him to decide my fate. That I should just get up leave, let him sort himself out. Just two weeks ago he would say "I Love You". Now he is like a closed door.

 

I can really use some support, insight, advice, etc right now. I am afraid because I know the next few weeks are going to be very hard emotionally. I was so lonely without him, but at the same time, I can't be with him when he is emotionally withdrawn. One day to him, I am greatest thing to sliced bread, the next day, I can't do anything right.

 

I need help.

[Trimmer]

...I also decided to seek counselling to help me deal with emotional baggage and other things.

 

How has that been going? It can be slow going, but is it helping at all?

 

It sounds like you have at least a mom and friends who care about you and who are there for you (or at least, who will tell you what they think, which I realize is not necessarily the same thing, but at least they are there...) Are they helpful?

 

If he is saying "give me space" and is unwilling to illuminate any further, and his actions are consistent with that (pushing away when you offer a hug) then it seems like you will just be beating your head against a wall to try to "figure him out." For whatever reason, he's burying whatever is going on - if he even knows it. You probably won't figure it out on your own, and it's hard deciding how hard you can try to dig it out of him...

 

Is he doing any counseling or anything like that? Do you have any concerns that he may be depressed? Have you discussed your observations with your counselor?

[JosiePosie]

I have seen my counsellor three times already and there are more sessions planned. For the most part I have been talking about my problems with no real feedback as of yet. My boyfriend hasn't sought any sort of help that I am aware of. He said that he just needed to be alone to think things out. I have been keeping myself busy and out of the house as much as possible. But it doesn't seem to be enough for him. So that's why I decided to pack my bags and separate from him. I have a friend who is interested in sharing an apartment and I am going to follow up with that.

 

Right now, it is sooo hard packing and leaving my home. Not knowing if I will ever be living here again. I love this man very much and I thought that we made a good couple. I am also afraid that this can be the end of us. But I can't wait in limbo and be kept at a distance while he is trying to decide to be with me or not.

[RainyDayWoman]

he sounds like a jerk who is doing everything but saying "i don't want to be with you but i can't say that. i want you to figure it out and take care of it on your own because i am too immature to deal with telling you the truth."

[JosiePosie]

That was pretty harsh but it is a possibility that I need to realize. Maybe he really wants out but afraid to come out and say it. I don't believe I was a "bad" girlfriend. Despite the obstacles, I always persevered. It is just the past three weeks that have been very very difficult. Maybe I have been too kind-hearted. I don't know. Right now, I am at my mother's. Crying my eyes out, not looking forward to being out of our apartment, and missing him like crazy.

 

Whatever he is going through, it has totally affected our relationship. I plan on staying away and not contacting him. Let him figure out what he needs to figure out. I would like an explanation once we both are feeling healthier.

[lookit]

I really feel for you. I am going through almost the same thing. My husband and father to our one year old daughter is abusing narcotic and muscle relaxer pills, and has been for years. To make a long story short, we are talking about him leaving because he is miserable and making me that way. He is emotionally and physically withdrawn (more now than he ever was) except to our daughter. We have been together since high school (15 years), and married for almost 5 of them.

 

The reason I am replying to you is he sounds like my husband! I have to tell you that unfortunately it doesn't get better, it only gets worse. The addictive personality, lying, and emotional withdrawal just gets worse over the years. The BIG question is do you want to spend your life with him badly enough that you are willing to live in crisis your whole life? I am in that exact spot right now, and I have one foot out the door. I am 31 years old and I am so tired. I just want a guy that I can love and will love me back. If you take anything away from this reply just know... people like this RARELY ever change, and YOU can can't change them.

[JosiePosie]

Perhaps struggling with the pill addiction is one of the reasons why he is being this way. He didn't tell me about this until we were three months into the relationship. In hindsight, it was unfair of him to do that. What's done is done.

 

I am trying to keep myself occupied and busy. But it's hard. I want to hear from him but know I won't for awhile. I miss him so much. Deep inside knew that I shouldn't accept that type of behaviour from a partner. And that he has been treating me unfairly. It's just hard to see that coming from someone you love. It feels like a big loss and I am hurting.

[NiCoLe20]

i think things would get better if you stayed away for a little bit. i also would suggest printing out this thread and leaving it on the table for him to read. he will read the negative things people have said along witht the good and this might help him get a better understanding of what he wants. but i do think you should leave for a little bit and take a break. if he loves you , he'll come back, if you dont hear from him in a certain amount of time...atleast a month, accept that it wont work out and find someone who will treat you better.

[JosiePosie]

It's another thing that I say to myself,if he loves me the way he said, than he will come back. I know people say that he is a jerk, but the good times have outweighed the bad. It is just the past month that has become increasingly difficult for us, and it totally affected how we related to each other. It's only been 24 hours and I miss him alot.

[JosiePosie]

My heart is beating fast, he is on MSN Messenger right now but I have him blocked. It feels so weird having to avoid any contact with someone you have lived with. But I know that any conversation now will make things worse. Man, I miss being at home with him.

 

I wonder if he is feeling bad for me leaving, for neglecting me emotionally, especially with my family problems as of late? I don't know, there is a part of me that hopes he is feeling bad for pushing me away. Especially when I was there for him whenever he needed someone.

[Devildog]

If I might diverge from the bashing of this guy. It sounds like he is going through a bout of depression. Sporadic income, getting passed over for a job for someone less qualified, the pill addiction. It would weigh heavily on anyone. Alot of men feel a large degree of their self worth is based on their earning ability and their ability to provide for their family. He might be feeling unable to provide and therefore unworthy of you.

 

Is he taking out anything on you, or has he just been emotionally distant? Did he have a tendency to act this way before?

 

Sometimes things turn around and a person will come out of depression. Other times they require medication and counseling to deal with the depression. It sounds like this is just a phase he is dealing with, and will probably get past eventually. The questions you need to ask yourself is if you can wait for him to get past this issue, and if you would be willing to deal with these phases in the future if you do.

 

You don't need to be a martyr. There is nothing at all wrong with deciding that this is more than you can handle. Don't feel guilted into sticking this out if it is not what you are looking for. You are not married, there are no vows that you are breaking here.

[JosiePosie]

If I might diverge from the bashing of this guy. It sounds like he is going through a bout of depression. Sporadic income, getting passed over for a job for someone less qualified, the pill addiction. It would weigh heavily on anyone. Alot of men feel a large degree of their self worth is based on their earning ability and their ability to provide for their family. He might be feeling unable to provide and therefore unworthy of you.

 

Is he taking out anything on you, or has he just been emotionally distant? Did he have a tendency to act this way before?

 

Sometimes things turn around and a person will come out of depression. Other times they require medication and counseling to deal with the depression. It sounds like this is just a phase he is dealing with, and will probably get past eventually. The questions you need to ask yourself is if you can wait for him to get past this issue, and if you would be willing to deal with these phases in the future if you do.

 

You don't need to be a martyr. There is nothing at all wrong with deciding that this is more than you can handle. Don't feel guilted into sticking this out if it is not what you are looking for. You are not married, there are no vows that you are breaking here.

 

Thank you for the reply Devildog. I spoke to an elder for counsel. He said the same thing about his feelings of unworthiness due to not being able to provide. There are alot of times when my bf had to rely on me to either pay or pitch in for bills. I have had no problems contributing as we are/were living together. The elder said that my bf has to learn to be humble and accept my contributions.

 

We have gone through periods of depression with him. Earlier this year, he wasn't able to get paid through his contracts for almost two months. It was terrible. He was very stressed out, silent, and kept to himself. I stuck it out with him as I knew it wouldn't last forever. During that time, I would help him pay his cellphone bill, groceries, etc.

 

I can understand him being depressed with his inability to provide. But now he is questioning our relationship as well and that hurts so much. We have had issues from my past and I have sought counselling to deal with them. Lately it seems like whatever I do, it is not enough. That's when I figure it is time to take a break. I love him very much and being pushed away hurts so bad. I do hope it is a phase with him. I did suggest we go for counselling but haven't received an answer. It is the only way I can see us how to deal with future problems, and learn about each other more.

 

My sister said to wait it out. I have decided to stay away and not contact for about a month or so. It is going to be soo hard though. We have lived together and shared our daily lives. To have that gone so suddenly is hard to take. But I will do what I have to. In the meantime, I am already looking for a different apartment with a friend. Even if we do reconcile, it would be best that we don't live together again for awhile.

 

In hindsight, I have many people say how I am totally opposite of his ex. She was self-centred, emotionally closed, not the most open person to meet. My boyfriend said that their relationship was pretty turbulent. They would argue all the time, she would throw things, had a drinking problem. He got heavily into pot to help get through the misery. He did say to me the other week that he is not used to us not arguing, because we would always sit down and discuss things. Maybe he is afraid of something good and is pushing it away. I don't know.

[cherrysoduh]

Hi, I just wanted to add that sometimes it takes people years and years to recover from a drug addiction. You have to seriously think about you want to go through what could possibly be a living he**. Some people swear they are going to quit, that they are going to change, go to detox...blah blah blah. And some never change. The addiction right now is stronger than he is. You may love him but by loving him you may ruin your life by staying with him. I think you really need to do some soul searching and see if you want to spend possibly the rest of your life taking care of his addiction. Offer him support but don't support his addiction by taking care of his bills.

[Devildog]

Actually cherrysoduh, recovery from an addiction such as that takes a lifetime. Ask any alcoholic who is receiving treatment or in a recovery program and they will tell you they are a recovering alcoholic. It is something they have to struggle with every day. My XFIL, who hasn't drank or done drugs in 20 years is still a recovering alcoholic and drug user.

 

Josie, your guy can only distance himself so far. Once he has reached that point, to get more distance he has to start pushing you away. I think that is where things are at this point. And I think it has quite a bit to do with his feelings of self worth. And there is little you can do to help with that. Self worth comes from inside a person, not from someone else telling them they are great, wonderful, special, etc. He will only gain that from his own accomplishments. You might be able to assist in some ways, such as helping him refine his resume, or if he were to decide to go back to school helping him study. But beyond those small things, he has to create his own feelings of self worth through accomplishments he can say he reached.

 

I think your general plan of action is a good one. Give him some time. I think it will still be okay to contact him on occasion to check in on him, let him know that you care for him still. Not living together at this time is also a good idea. He won't have to feel the pressure of providing for you. I know you don't put pressure on him, but it is a guy thing, he feels it is his duty to provide for you, just accept that. After some time, when he gets his feet back under him, is in a better place earning wise, he might feel ready to ask you to move in with him again.

[JosiePosie]

Thanks Devildog, I know what he is going through has a lot to do with feelings of self-worth. It is something I have struggled with as well, so I know what that is like. Today I had a pretty good day despite burying one of my sister's son, he was 19 years old and just starting out in life.

 

What made my day decent was the actualization that leaving my boyfriend was a good thing. As soon as I get involved with someone, I let them take over my life. I am always afraid of losing that partner, but now I see that I took that stand for myself. Not to be exposed and accept their poison. Whatever he is going though, he has to deal on his own. You're right, that is something he has to find out for himself.

 

I am dreading the moments when I become very lonely, sentimental, and sad. I thought to myself today that my sister lost a son, and I lost a relationship. She can never get her son back, but I can always get the relationship back, or find a new one.

 

I picked up a book that I purchased over two years ago. That book is what made me see that I cannot depend on other people and things for happiness. I know it sounds like a cliche, but I am starting to see that he is right. The book is called "The Mastery of Love" by Don Miguel Ruiz. He speaks about how people try to control each other in relationships. And that they think trying to conform someone to their ideals is not love, it's selfishness.

 

I do not like having to live elsewhere. I am basically living out of my suitcase right now. But I pray and know that this is only temporary. I acknowledge that I want to hear from my boyfriend, but it won't be right away. I have to remember to keep myself busy and get to know and love myself. At this time, I rather not to be the one initiate contact. He knows that I want to talk and work things out. So I would like to leave the ball in his court.

 

Sorry, I forgot to mention that my boyfriend has stopped taking pills earlier this year. But I am sure that it is a struggle for him to drop a habit after doing it for years.

[JosiePosie]

Had a bad day, the loneliness and wondering is kicking in. I really miss him and wish I can go home, but I know that leaving was the best.

[JosiePosie]

I woke up this morning to an email from my boyfriend. He apologized for putting me through this and that he needs time to sort things out. He hopes that once he gets out of this rut that we can talk it out.

 

I will be attending my first support group tonight for codependence. I have alot of the characteristics and know that I cannot live like this for the rest of my life. I need to learn to control my tendency to over-nurture.

 

I am not sure what the future holds for us. I do know that he needs some sort of therapy to deal with whatever is happening with him. I am happy to have received the email though. It makes the pain lessen. But we do have to recover from own personal issues before we can make the relationship work again.

[DesertDweller]

Sounds like you're on the right track. Hang in there!

[JosiePosie]

Thanks.