Wife with mental illness wants divorce

[Scubatick]

Need help.

Wrote a letter to my wife to apologies for my behavior dealing with her mental illness and I want to send it to her but I'm scared of the reaction I will get. She has asked for a divorce and wants me out as soon as I can. We have 2 young kids. The marriage is most likely over and I don't think we can get back to where we were. I have been pushed to the brink and started recording her when she gets upset to protect myself and my kids and she has gone off the deep end when I do it. Any feed back would be appreciated. I love her to death even though she has verbally and physically abused me. she has also spit in my face twice after an argument. Its long but I want her to know that I am sorry for not handling her mental illness better.

 

 

To my wife, my best friend,

 

 

 

First off, I want to start by saying no matter what happensin the future, I will always love you. You will always have a place in myheart. I never once believed we would find ourselves here.

 

 

When I first met you, you were bright and full of life andenergy. You made me a better person. You made me feel like I was on top of theworld. Years went by and I finally asked for your hand in marriage and I was oncloud 9 when you said yes. It was the best feeling in the world and I thoughtnothing could beat this. Then we found out we were expecting our first childand sure enough that feeling grew. I then watched you walk down the aisle withyour father and I cried. I could not describe what I was feeling. It overwhelmme with so much happiness. I thought to myself that this was it, no way could itpossibly get any better. Man was I wrong. Seeing Seta being born was the bestmoment of my life. Holding her for the first time. Seeing her in your armsbrought tears to my eyes. I thought, wow what an amazing, strong and lovingwoman I married. The strength and sacrifices you made for our first born childwas truly amazing. The changes you made to ensure our child was healthy whilepregnant is something I will never forget.

 

Soon after our 1st daughter was born, I started to see a different sideof you. I didn’t realize at the time what was happening. I didn’t realize post-partumdepression and anxiety was talking a hold on you. I have never been close to aperson who suffers and struggles with these illnesses. I did not know what todo or how to act. My first thought was that “hey I can fix this”. Typical malecrap if you ask me. I didn’t realize what was happening to you. There hasbeen so many countless times where I had no clue what was going on, times whereI desperately wanted to help but couldn’t, times when I felt rejected, unloved,hated. I thought to myself what is wrong with my wife, why is she telling me I don’tdo enough to help her, I don’t listen to her, I don’t care about her.Resentment stared to set in and I started to lash out. I got angry every time Iwas told I wasn’t doing enough, I wasn’t there to help with DD and the household chores. Never understood the demons you were fighting and I let you fightthem on your own due to my selfish ways. I thought to myself I have donenothing to deserve this from you. Boy was I wrong. The when DD was around 2,a bomb fell into my life when you said you were thinking of leaving me. Youtold me I need to change and seek help for my anger and to save our marriage. Iwas dumfounded and confused, but I understood and listened to you and soughttreatment for my behavior issues.

 

 

 

I felt a burden on my shoulders that I cannot describe. The womanwho gave up everything for our family was unhappy with our lives. She wanted ahouse to call her own, she wanted to be near her family for support and love,she wanted for her husband to provide more for his family. I tried my best butfelt resentment when I couldn’t do all the things you wanted and needed for ourfamily and you lashed out at me. I lashed right back at you. It wasn’t your faultbut mine. I could have done more you give you what would have made you happybut I was scared. Once again not you’re doing but mine.

DD2 came into ourworld and I was ecstatic as much as you were. She brightened our lives and DD1 life as well. Then the fighting stared again. You were disappointed in me, you rejected me, hated me, and resented me. Once again I did not understand whatwas happening so I lashed out.

 

 

The fighting got worse and you told me what was botheringyou and once again my pride took over and I did not listen. All you asked forwas empathy, to be supported, to be loved, to be hugged and to be told howthings will be ok. I didn’t understand how hard it is for you and I did nothingto help. I actually made things worst. I shut down for days when an argumenthappens. I never apologize when I should, I don’t listen to your cries forhelp. Then I get mad at the fact that you distance yourself emotionally and physicallyfrom me. I thought once you saw a therapist you would just get better. Onceagain I was so wrong in thinking that. I constantly attack you by calling youcrazy when you have a bad day instead of stepping back and understanding whatis happening to you at that moment. What a ****ty thing to do to the person youlove. I lash out at you when I am being told to just own up to my mistakes andthe role I take in the arguments and fights. I say to myself “no it’s not me ither”. I see now how wrong that is. I take blame in letting it get to thispoint. I see how my actions have led us to this point. My lack of emotionalsupport for your battle, my lack of understanding and my lack of forgiveness.

 

 

As I mentioned before, I have never been close to a person whosuffers and struggles with this horrible illnesses. That does not give me anexcuse to have done all the hurtful things I have done in the past and still donow. I struggle knowing what to do or how to do it to be a better husband,friend, partner. Being told how hated I am, how miserable I make you feel, how uselessI am, how you no longer trust me and you no longer love me has put my back isup against a wall. So instead of listening to you and working on making thingsbetter I threaten you with divorce and call you crazy. I truly apologize forthat. You do not deserve that. I hear you doubt yourself as a mother and let metell you that you are a great mom. Never ever doubt yourself of that. The kidslove and worship you. You are strongerthan you know. I see it in you when your illness is not taking control. Knowingyou for the last 12 years has been a roller coaster of emotions and if I couldgo back in time I would do it all over again but be the man you always wantedme to be. Be by your side and be more understanding, more forgiving, more empathetic,more loving. Help you through the bad times and not mock you while you’re having a panic attack.

 

This letter is not meant to fix our marriage or save it. Weare where we are due to both of us having major resentment and anger for theother. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry I could not have helpedyou fight your demons and I am letting you do it all alone without support. Iunderstand now how hard it must really be for you. A little too late but that’smy own fault. Know that no matter what, I will always love you and support youin whatever you choose in your life. My main concern will always be our two beautiful daughters and you dear wife.

 

I know I can’t possibly understand what itis to live with depression. I know that. I can learn about it, listen to youtalk about it, read about it, study all I can. But I will never really knowyour struggles. I am sorry that I have not given you a quiet and safe space whenyou needed it. I’m sorry for not trying harder to understand, for not being theone to bring you up when you’re feeling low. I truly am sorry for all of myshortcomings and my behavior towards you and this dark illness.

 

 

 

Love, your Husband

Edited December 27, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Delineate content

[alphamale]

this marriage should be dissolved as soon as possible

[Mr. Lucky]

Scubatick, you're trying to reason with an unreasonable person.

 

Divorce may not be the answer, but neither is your attempt to take all the responsibility for the problems associated with your wife's mental illness. Without knowing what treatment she's getting or counseling you've had as a couple, hard to give further advice. Simply put, doesn't seem like your letter addresses the real issue...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Scubatick]

She just started antidepressant medicine about 2 weeks ago. We have been to two sessions with the couples therapist and have another session on the 8th.

[Normm]

The letter is all about you. Count the number of times "I" appears.

 

 

It's not productive, she won't read it, it will infuriate her as much as you do when you record her when she goes off the deep end. What the heck are you thinking recording her and TELLING her you are recording her? That's not protecting that's provoking. You need me to tell you this? That's as bad as, or worse than threatening divorce which you've apparently done on a regular basis. You threatened it, and she's giving it right back to you and now you're saying "hold on I was wrong"? Too little, too late. Change your behavior immediately and hope the meds and maybe the counseling helps in some way.

 

 

Maybe send her a note with just the last few sentences with all the apologies. You owe her that much anyway.

Edited December 26, 2018 by Normm

[vla1120]

She just started antidepressant medicine about 2 weeks ago. We have been to two sessions with the couples therapist and have another session on the 8th.

 

It will take at least a month for those antidepressants to kick in. I am not the slightest bit ashamed to admit that I also deal with anxiety and depression, but mine is under control because of medication. My first 32-yr marriage was to a man who would throw that in my face every chance he got. He cheated on me. He verbally abused me, but as soon as I reacted, then I was "crazy." Eff that noise. Nothing is more maddening to a person who is addressing their issue then to have it thrown in their face. I have maintained a very good career and raised three awesome, successful daughters all while being the main (many times sole) breadwinner in my family since I was 20 years old, so to have anyone throw my anxiety and/or depression in my face is completely unacceptable and unforgivable.

 

It's nice of you to apologize, but unless you are serious about treating your wife with the respect she deserves, do her a favor and walk away. Mental illness is no less treatable than diabetes or high blood pressure, so when I hear other people tell you that you "dodged a bullet," all I can think is how clueless they are about the stigma that still surrounds mental illnesses and keeps people from seeking help for a condition that is SO treatable. Shame on them.

[darkmoon]

"This letter is not meant to fix our marriage or save it" then you signed it "love" And this is also a mixed message: "My main concern will always be our two beautiful daughters and you dear wife" although you and she are over as you assume you say "wife"

 

 

I think it is too long a letter, and so agree that there are too many "I" statement, and watch for more mixed messages when you are a bit mixed up

 

 

 

tell her what is possible for her, from you to her, at counseling, first though - see what she wants, listen, agree to it

Edited December 28, 2018 by darkmoon

[BaileyB]

Mental illness is no less treatable than diabetes or high blood pressure, so when I hear other people tell you that you "dodged a bullet," all I can think is how clueless they are about the stigma that still surrounds mental illnesses and keeps people from seeking help for a condition that is SO treatable. Shame on them.

 

Wih respect, it depends on the mental illness and whether the person is willing to seek treatment. Some individuals refuse to accept that they have a mental illness and refuse to seek treatment, in which case... As Mr Lucky says, you are trying to reason with an unreasonable person. In those cases, there is often not much that can be done but leave the relationship. And in those cases, people do sometimes feel like they have dodged a bullet.

 

But yes, your point is well taken. Many people with mental illness live and work and raise wonderful children... There are treatments available and people should not be shamed or stigmatized for seeking treatement. Our culture is starting to shift, starting to understand this but there is still a long way to go...