Feeling guilty for someone's suicide

[Irysia]

I am a 19-year-old girl. I was born in a Muslim family, so dating has always been forbidden to me. My parents are extremely strict and they don't know a lot about my personal life. When I was 13 or so, I had feelings for my cousin (3rd degree) (I know that in the western culture, this is viewed as quite gross but, in our culture, this is quite common). We told each other about our feelings and, as we were young, we told each other that we want to get married and we named the future children we both wanted to have. We had like 4 or 5 conversations about it, and that's it. I used to be quite close with his sister, so I told her everything about it but, apart from her, nobody knew about it as I didn't want anyone to find it out (neither did he). Since he lived in France and I live in the UK, he'd come to visit us twice a year, but with the whole family around, we remained quite distant (we never hold hands, etc).

 

About when I was 14, I got less interested. To be honest, I never took it super seriously and I didn't think he did too. I mean, though I agree we told each other we had feelings, that's about all we did. I didn't think we were in a relationship. I remained friends with him, as he'd come quite often to London and we talked about each other's problems (he did mostly, and I also did a little) and we helped each with our studies. I fancied another guy at that time, and I told his sister about it. Until I was 17, it continued like this. He'd come and visit us very often, and I'd talk to him like a friend, like a cousin.

 

Last year, he came around in February. I had a huge fight with this sister and I was afraid she'd tell the secrets I've entrusted her with to everyone. So when I saw him, I asked him whether or not she's been saying things about me. He told me she did, but he took care of it and nobody knows anything. And I don't know how the conversation got there, but he told me he had big plans for us and he's just waiting until we're both done with our studies before we can "lash out", as he put it. At this moment, I realized that he took things a little more seriously and I told him I didn't have the same feelings I used to. I told him I hoped we could remain friends. He said he accepted my decision.

 

In the months that followed, I tried contacting him, but he didn't reply and we didn't talk for a little more than a year. This year, in July, he apologized, telling me that he didn't cut me off because he was angry at me, but rather because he needed to take his distances to heal and move on. I told him I was hurt but that I understand and hope we could remain friends, as our family is close and because I value his friendship. He answered and said that he was there for me if I needed him, but he will not remain my friend. I didn't say anything.

 

About 2 weeks later, he sent me a text, telling me that he talked to his sister about me and she told him about the other guys, so he thought I lead him on and that I cheated on him. Though he remained polite, his questions sounded more like accusations and you could feel his extreme anger (as he sort of jumped the gun). I took that pretty badly, to be honest. I told him I didn't lead him on and that I didn't cheat. I was getting quite bored with all this and, since I thought that he took things too seriously, there was no way he'd believe me if I told him that nothing happened between us. So, I told him that I took some time to make my decision, but I realized that this was not something I wanted to jump into. He apologized 5-6 times, but I didn't reply. I just wanted to forget about a mistake I made when I was young.

 

A week ago, he contacted me again, telling me that he "hacked" his sister's phone and recovered the conversations in which I talk about having feelings with other guys. He asked for explanations. I finally told him that I never took this seriously, that nothing happened. I mean, we never held hands, didn't have any sort of intimacy whatsoever and though we were close this was not a relationship. I was sorry for him being hurt, but I felt he was blowing things out of proportion. He replied by telling me that if I had been clear from the beginning, he would not have suffered the way he did. He told me he was sorry for the missunderstanding. I didn't reply.

 

2 days ago, he sent me a text in which he said that he'd love me, no matter what. The next day, I was told he killed himself.

 

I've been feeling extremely sad since then. I don't really know what to think about the situation. I don't know how to cope with the situation and I feel terrible.

 

I'd really love some help because I am struggling a lot with this issue.

Edited December 26, 2018 by Irysia

[Giraffe-A]

Did someone other than the sister tell you he did this?

 

While you feel guilty, please understand that you are not responsible for anyone else’s actions. Guilt and anger are two things that suicides leave behind. It is absolutely senseless and devastating. The person you trusted may be feeling just as bad for telling your secret in some vindictive manner. Let her share the guilt, not you. There will never be answers to this. Just take care of you.

[Irysia]

No, his sister and I are no longer in speaking terms. The news spread quite rapidly in the family. I feel really bad, because he was a good guy, I never thought he'd do something like this. I've always known him as this cheerful confident guy, perharps a little too nerdy, but I never could have imagined he'd do this.

[Ronni_W]

Irysia,

 

My condolences to your cousin's immediate and extended family.

 

The title of your thread is "Feeling guilty for someone's suicide", but that is taking on a priority and responsibility in his life that you never actually had.

 

It is normal to feel sad when a family member dies, especially if they're young, and even more so if it was through their own decision instead of illness or accident.

 

However, it still was his decision alone. There isn't any room for anybody else to put themselves in the centre of his decision -- not his parents, or siblings, or you.

 

If needed, speak with a grief counselor or therapist.

 

Wishing you the best.

[alphamale]

you need to talk to someone who you trust and confide in. this is not your fault