I really want to be engaged/married?

[I'veseenbetterlol]

My bf and have been going out for long enough to know we want to be together in the long term. I don't believe in cohabiting and plan on marriage before moving in together and having kids. My bf tells me how amazing I am, that he has never loved anyone as much as me etc etc. He says he wants marriage w/me, but I'm starting to get the feeling that the proposal/marriage is going to pushed back over and over again. I'm not gonna force him or give him an ultimatum. I just don't want him to waste my time where I could miss out being happily single or meeting a guy who will want to put a ring on it. To me if he stalls marriage, that means I am not as special as he says I am. He tells me he wishes he could be w/me more, which has a simple solution; marriage. Will he ever propose or am I wasting my time? Btw we are both in our late 20s so age has nothing to do w/this.

Edited September 7, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol

[basil67]

Have a conversation! Seriously, you're a grown woman and you have every right to talk about what you want in life and the timelines in which you'd like that to happen. Likewise, you have every right to ask him *how he feels*.

 

Waiting for him to propose when he's good a ready....without mutual discussion about wants, needs and timelines is just such a passive way to live your life.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Have a conversation! Seriously, you're a grown woman and you have every right to talk about what you want in life and the timelines in which you'd like that to happen. Likewise, you have every right to ask him *how he feels*.

 

Waiting for him to propose when he's good a ready....without mutual discussion about wants, needs and timelines is just such a passive way to live your life.

 

I have discussed this w/him, several times. He said it'll be abt half a year or so, but somehow I think excuses are gonna pop up. I already told him I wasn't waiting a couple years and if he wasn't ready, that I would be willing to walk away.

[basil67]

I have discussed this w/him' date=' several times. He said it'll be abt half a year or so, but somehow I think excuses are gonna pop up. I already told him I wasn't waiting a couple years and if he wasn't ready, that I would be willing to walk away.[/quote']

 

Is getting engaged now and compromising on marriage date a possibility?

[basil67]

I noticed that you wrote in February that you've only been together for six months. Which means that by now, you've only been together for a year. With this in mind, I have to change my opinion and suggest that you're probably rushing things.

 

Edited to add: have you resolved the issues about his weight and how much time/attention he gives you? If he's still overweight, can you accept it without further discussion on the matter?

Edited September 8, 2018 by basil67

[Mr. Lucky]

Btw we are both in our late 20s so age has nothing to do w/this.

 

Actually, it does. Were you to break up with him, could easily take 3-5 years or more to find someone and then several more years to establish compatibility and shared goals. If you're going to start a family, you'll want to be fairly young.

 

I noticed that you wrote in February that you've only been together for six months. Which means that by now, you've only been together for a year. With this in mind, I have to change my opinion and suggest that you're probably rushing things.

 

Agreed and puts his reluctance in a better context. You still have lots to learn about each other...

 

Mr. Lucky

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I noticed that you wrote in February that you've only been together for six months. Which means that by now, you've only been together for a year. With this in mind, I have to change my opinion and suggest that you're probably rushing things.

 

Edited to add: have you resolved the issues about his weight and how much time/attention he gives you? If he's still overweight, can you accept it without further discussion on the matter?

 

We are working the weight issue and everything else is great! I don't want to rush things but also I do not want to go 3, 5, 10 years w/no engagement. I am reaching the age where my biological clock is ticking and if he doesn't want the same thing, I want someone who does.

[basil67]

We are working the weight issue and everything else is great! I don't want to rush things but also I do not want to go 3' date=' 5, 10 years w/no engagement. I am reaching the age where my biological clock is ticking and if he doesn't want the same thing, I want someone who does.[/quote']

 

I hear you on your biological clock. However, you're not yet 30 and things do seem to be heading in the right direction. You don't want to blow a good thing out of the water because he's (rightfully) not rushing into making a life commitment after only a year together. Perhaps aiming for engagement in another year and a wedding the year after that. Total of three years dating and engaged is quite reasonable.

[Doorstopper]

This is going to sound a little harsh, but I'm going to put it out there anyway:

 

So you want a proposal a year after meeting, yet there is no chance of co-habitation before marriage. If you don't get it, you're leaving.

 

You are showing no commitment to him whatsoever. Your commitment is to your ideal relationship, on your terms, and you have made him aware that you are perfectly happy to have that happen with or without him.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, if your relationship was 3 to 5 years old, that would be a completely different story. but it's not. Looking over your posts it seems that you usually see each other only on weekends. In a year that's about 100 days (150 if you count Fridays). Do you sleep over? Have you gone on vacations together? How well do you really know each other?

 

No one here knows you or your BF so we can only comment based on the limited info we see. Is he your "soulmate" or just your best chance of getting you that ring, on your time frame? Forever is long time.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I hear you on your biological clock. However, you're not yet 30 and things do seem to be heading in the right direction. You don't want to blow a good thing out of the water because he's (rightfully) not rushing into making a life commitment after only a year together. Perhaps aiming for engagement in another year and a wedding the year after that. Total of three years dating and engaged is quite reasonable.

 

One thing he did that was concerning. I was buying a system for entertainment, for us to enjoy. If we plan on being together there is absolutely no point in purchasing multiples (the system is pretty expensive), yet he wanted to buy one himself despite already owning another system he can play on. Makes me really doubt how committed he is if he thinks he needs his own or that he didn't offer to buy it together.

[Shining One]

One thing he did that was concerning. I was buying a system for entertainment' date=' for us to enjoy. If we plan on being together there is absolutely no point in purchasing multiples (the system is pretty expensive), yet he wanted to buy one himself despite already owning another system he can play on. Makes me really doubt how committed he is if he thinks he needs his own or that he didn't offer to buy it together.[/quote']Can you elaborate on the system(s) in question? There might be practical reasons you're not considering.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I have a somewhat dissenting opinion. For me a year and 6 months seems about right for the proposal talk.

 

3-5 years for me is way too long and I’d never shake up without being married.

 

I do think you’re a bit premature but it’s worth some more time.

[basil67]

One thing he did that was concerning. I was buying a system for entertainment' date=' for us to enjoy. If we plan on being together there is absolutely no point in purchasing multiples (the system is pretty expensive), yet he wanted to buy one himself despite already owning another system he can play on. Makes me really doubt how committed he is if he thinks he needs his own or that he didn't offer to buy it together.[/quote']

 

Your concerns would absolutely hold water if you were planning on moving in together in the next couple of months. But as you're not planning on moving in until you're married....which at best would be a couple of years....it's perfectly reasonable for him to update his home system.

 

Fact is, he's not ready to do this after only a year together. And this is quite sensible on his part.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I have a somewhat dissenting opinion. For me a year and 6 months seems about right for the proposal talk.

 

3-5 years for me is way too long and I’d never shake up without being married.

 

I do think you’re a bit premature but it’s worth some more time.

 

No way I would stay 3-5 years. The 6 month/year mark is the time that feels right. I love him and I want to give more time, but as I said I'm scared that I will be missing opportunities (other men) while sitting on my hands and waiting. What I mean by that isn't sex w/random dudes but a man who will see me as worth spending the rest of his life w/me and won't be afraid to propose in 6 months-year.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Your concerns would absolutely hold water if you were planning on moving in together in the next couple of months. But as you're not planning on moving in until you're married....which at best would be a couple of years....it's perfectly reasonable for him to update his home system.

 

Fact is, he's not ready to do this after only a year together. And this is quite sensible on his part.

 

He doesn't need to update his home system as that is the main system he uses. I bought this one for us to enjoy on the go (its a mobile one).

[Dis]

I understand some people don't believe in cohabiting until marriage or engagement but IMO, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard

 

You don't know someone until you live with them, wake up with them everyday, eat dinner together everyday, share bills together, share household chores together, etc, etc

 

Refusing to live with someone until marriage/engagement is like buying a car you know nothing about. It's such a short sided, illogical point of view. I have no idea why people chose to do this. Maybe that's why divorce rates are so high today. Because people don't even know the person they're marrying.

 

Plus you've only been together for a year. Yes that's enough time to see a future with someone but not nearly enough time to decide on one, especially not even living with the person and only seeing them on the weekends as another poster mentioned.

 

OP, start looking at this from a practical, pragmatic perspective. Your bf seems to be. Love and marriage is great...but not when it ends in divorce.

[basil67]

He doesn't need to update his home system as that is the main system he uses. I bought this one for us to enjoy on the go (its a mobile one).

 

He can't use your mobile one if you're not there, so it sounds like he got one for himself. This sounds perfectly reasonable. Also, it's not up to you to decide what he needs and what he doesn't.

[basil67]

He doesn't need to update his home system as that is the main system he uses. I bought this one for us to enjoy on the go (its a mobile one).

 

It sounds like his personal mobile speaker isn't going to replace his home system then. He just loves the technology and wanted one for when you're not around.

 

I realise this is coming from a place of disappointment in you. You've organised a great couple thing and he's gone and wanted a personal one too. It's disappointing, but I really would urge you to not read too much into it.

 

It's still relatively early days with him. Getting to the stage of marriage takes time and patience. If everything else is good and this speaker is the biggest issue you have, then it's all heading in the right direction. I think it's too early to go pulling the plug on him.

[Happy Lemming]

Let me preface my post by saying I am a commitment - phobic individual. I have never been married and now that I have an AARP card, I'm too old and set in my ways to get married or live with someone.

 

I was engaged once in my life. I was 28 at the time and so was she. Three months after meeting her, I purchased a beautiful ring and proposed to her. I knew she was the one. In addition to checking all of my boxes, I was "head over heels" in love with her. She said "yes" but wanted a long engagement as we had only dated 3 months, I agreed. At some point, her father starting poisoning her mind, telling her she could do better, etc. For some reason, her father still had some control over her and convinced her to break off the engagement.

 

I guess my point is... in my case, I knew when I found "the one"...

[Mr. Lucky]

One thing he did that was concerning. I was buying a system for entertainment' date=' for us to enjoy. If we plan on being together there is absolutely no point in purchasing multiples (the system is pretty expensive), yet he wanted to buy one himself despite already owning another system he can play on. Makes me really doubt how committed he is if he thinks he needs his own or that he didn't offer to buy it together.[/quote']

 

Seems like an awfully strange metric by which you'd judge commitment. As basil67 pointed out, some folks just like the tech toys. Some of the things you've written give the impression you might be forcing things a bit ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BTDT2012]

I understand some people don't believe in cohabiting until marriage or engagement but IMO, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard

 

You don't know someone until you live with them, wake up with them everyday, eat dinner together everyday, share bills together, share household chores together, etc, etc

 

Refusing to live with someone until marriage/engagement is like buying a car you know nothing about. It's such a short sided, illogical point of view. I have no idea why people chose to do this. Maybe that's why divorce rates are so high today. Because people don't even know the person they're marrying.

 

Plus you've only been together for a year. Yes that's enough time to see a future with someone but not nearly enough time to decide on one, especially not even living with the person and only seeing them on the weekends as another poster mentioned.

 

OP, start looking at this from a practical, pragmatic perspective. Your bf seems to be. Love and marriage is great...but not when it ends in divorce.

At least half the people that I know who divorced cohabited prior to marriage.

[Orokotikki]

I understand some people don't believe in cohabiting until marriage or engagement but IMO, it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard

 

You don't know someone until you live with them, wake up with them everyday, eat dinner together everyday, share bills together, share household chores together, etc, etc

 

Refusing to live with someone until marriage/engagement is like buying a car you know nothing about. It's such a short sided, illogical point of view. I have no idea why people chose to do this. Maybe that's why divorce rates are so high today. Because people don't even know the person they're marrying.

 

Plus you've only been together for a year. Yes that's enough time to see a future with someone but not nearly enough time to decide on one, especially not even living with the person and only seeing them on the weekends as another poster mentioned.

 

OP, start looking at this from a practical, pragmatic perspective. Your bf seems to be. Love and marriage is great...but not when it ends in divorce.

 

I used to think this way, and I cohabited with my wife while we were dating. But what I see now is that for us it fostered conflict avoidance. I read a pretty interesting article on it that opened my eyes.

 

As I recall, my take away was that big difference is commitment - by waiting to live together after you are committed to one another you are prompted to grow and solve problems. Some (not all) couples who cohabit instead try to 'live with' things rather than fix them.

 

These things become a standard for how things are, and after marriage they (almost) never change and slow simmering problems and resentments can arise from them. I now wish we would've waited.

 

I don't think I summarized it very well or wholly, but the article was interesting.

[Rockdad]

I have discussed this w/him' date=' several times. He said it'll be abt half a year or so, but somehow I think excuses are gonna pop up. I already told him I wasn't waiting a couple years and if he wasn't ready, that I would be willing to walk away.[/quote']

 

 

Sure has the ring of an ultimatum to me? The same ultimatum you just said you were not going to give.

[Dis]

At least half the people that I know who divorced cohabited prior to marriage.

 

And I'm sure that number is much higher for people who didn't

 

#commonsense

[Dis]

I used to think this way, and I cohabited with my wife while we were dating. But what I see now is that for us it fostered conflict avoidance. I read a pretty interesting article on it that opened my eyes.

 

As I recall, my take away was that big difference is commitment - by waiting to live together after you are committed to one another you are prompted to grow and solve problems. Some (not all) couples who cohabit instead try to 'live with' things rather than fix them.

 

These things become a standard for how things are, and after marriage they (almost) never change and slow simmering problems and resentments can arise from them. I now wish we would've waited.

 

I don't think I summarized it very well or wholly, but the article was interesting.

 

This backwards logic

 

Living together helps two people access compatibility. Just because they aren't married doesn't mean they don't try to fix differences. Cohabiting helps a couple determine if they can work things out rather than marrying, then cohabiting and finding out down the line they can't

 

Why would you marry a person when you don't know them? When you don't know how those conflicts about bills, rent, mortgages, etc will pan out? When your little quirks don't start rubbing the person the wrong way. When your partner comes home from work and you don't know how to ease the tension.

 

Marriage doesn't mean two people are forced to fix anything which is why divorce rates are at 50%

 

Marriage isn't a guarantee. It's an agreement made by two people who have done their best to access whether their right for each or not. I hardly doubt weekend visits are enough to make that agreement rationally.