JuneL Posted September 14, 2018 Share Posted September 14, 2018 And I'm sure that number is much higher for people who didn't #commonsense https://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/us/03marry.html 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 26, 2018 Author Share Posted December 26, 2018 (edited) I'm not one to force a guy to do anything, if he wants a future w/me, that's on him. The thing I cannot stand is someone who strings me along hoping I'll stay. I've been w/my bf for awhile now and I just want to start my life w/him. He says he will propose soon, but I'm scared of wasting my time and missing out on someone who will want to marry me. How do I know that he wants to get married? We talk about the future all the time, but I know sometimes that talk could just be talk. To add, I don't believe in living together before marriage, just not my style. Edited December 26, 2018 by I'veseenbetterlol Link to post Share on other sites
jazzy_jass Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 How long have the two of you been together? At some point, I think it's fair to give him the ultimatum. Marry me/get engaged or else. Otherwise, you will continue spinning your wheels on the road leading to nowhere and quite possibly be missing out on your chance to be with someone else who really wants the same thing that you do. Time is precious. Especially for us females and our bio clocks. I spent 2.5 years with my ex when I finally gave him an ultimatum that wasn't even marriage-related (meeting the family). He resisted and I ended it. My biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 27, 2018 Author Share Posted December 27, 2018 How long have the two of you been together? At some point, I think it's fair to give him the ultimatum. Marry me/get engaged or else. Otherwise, you will continue spinning your wheels on the road leading to nowhere and quite possibly be missing out on your chance to be with someone else who really wants the same thing that you do. Time is precious. Especially for us females and our bio clocks. I spent 2.5 years with my ex when I finally gave him an ultimatum that wasn't even marriage-related (meeting the family). He resisted and I ended it. My biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Together almost 2 years. I'm not one to wait a long time for an engagement. If I was in my early 20s, I could afford to wait, but not now. He said it would happen in the next year, I'm hoping, but not holding my breath. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 He said it would happen in the next year... I have a question... What is so special about next year?? Why not now?? If he already said its going to happen and he knows this is important to you, why the wait until next year?? Unless he is saving up money for a really nice ring, I don't understand the delay... Or he is telling you next year and when next year comes, he initiates another delay and another delay, etc. etc. "Tomorrow you promise yourself will be different, yet tomorrow is too often a repetition of today.” -- James T. McCay 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 I'm not one to force a guy to do anything' date=' if he wants a future w/me, that's on him. The thing I cannot stand is someone who strings me along hoping I'll stay. I've been w/my bf for awhile now and I just want to start my life w/him. He says he will propose soon, but I'm scared of wasting my time and missing out on someone who will want to marry me. How do I know that he wants to get married? We talk about the future all the time, but I know sometimes that talk could just be talk. To add, I don't believe in living together before marriage, just not my style.[/quote'] just put the embargo on sex until he proposes. that will light a fire under him Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 At some point, I think it's fair to give him the ultimatum. Marry me/get engaged or else. Disagree. He knows the OP wants to get married and whole "one-knee" process for getting it done. Does she want the spend the rest of her life with someone she had threaten into commitment? I'veseenbetterlol, give yourself an "ultimatum". If he, without prompting, doesn't pop the question in 2019 - you're gone. He will have made his intentions clear, one way or the other... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author I'veseenbetterlol Posted December 27, 2018 Author Share Posted December 27, 2018 Disagree. He knows the OP wants to get married and whole "one-knee" process for getting it done. Does she want the spend the rest of her life with someone she had threaten into commitment? I'veseenbetterlol, give yourself an "ultimatum". If he, without prompting, doesn't pop the question in 2019 - you're gone. He will have made his intentions clear, one way or the other... Mr. Lucky Exactly, I want him to propose because he wants not because I forced him. I'm not forcing or begging anyone. I'm just scared about investing another year, breaking up will be even more painful a year from now. Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 You can generally tell when a man is interested in marrying you. On our first date my husband swore he would never be married, never wanted to go through that, etc, but six months in was talking about what he wanted for our wedding. While some people are the "marrying type" and some aren't, in many cases I think it's just a matter of meeting someone who clicks with you in a long-term way. It's important to have conversations about what you want or don't want in a relationship (marriage, kids, etc). That said, once you've had those conversations, you're done. You cannot force anyone to do anything they don't want to, and nagging never helps. If he has said he's going to propose soon I would take him at his word. However, if you don't feel inclined to believe him, that's a separate issue. Perhaps you need to do what Mr. Lucky suggested and set an internal ultimatum for yourself. If it hasn't happened on X date, you walk. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 (edited) Together almost 2 years. I'm not one to wait a long time for an engagement. If I was in my early 20s' date=' I could afford to wait, but not now. He said it would happen in the next year, I'm hoping, but not holding my breath.[/quote'] Two years is long enough to know whether he wants to take the next step or not. Sounds as though he's stalling as long as he can to NOT make this happen. A lot of the time, although they won't admit it, they do this because they don't really see you as wife material and don't want to trap themselves just in case the 'bigger, better deal' comes along. You hear about this ALL the time. A woman complaining that her long time boyfriend refused to get engaged and kept saying things were fine the way they were and marriage is just 'a piece of paper' and on and on and on. Then they break up and lo and behold, he eventually meets a woman and within months, they're engaged and making wedding plans. This is the guy who likes to brag about how 'hot' his ex-girlfriend was, correct? It just makes him look like a dink because he's basically admitting that he wasn't capable of KEEPING someone so supposedly hot. Edited December 27, 2018 by Mrs._December Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 I agree that you need to set a deadline for yourself about how long you will stick around but do not give him an ultimatum. Instead start a conversation with him where you get him to talk about what marriage & a proposal look like to him. Don't express your ideas until you are fully cognizant of his. See what insights you draw from that. This has to be done calmly in a no pressure situation. It's just an exchange of ideas, preferably over a few discussions. Somewhere in there you need to express the idea that you fear the passage of time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 I wouldn't talk to him about marriage or proposals. You need him to want to chase you. He's complacent and comfortable right now. So instead of making conversation about marriage and proposals...you start planning on where YOU are going to live, making renovations/plans for YOUR house/apartment, planning trips with YOUR girlfriends and setting aside savings for those, looking into going back to school to further YOUR education/career, hobbies for YOU. Dial things back a bit in the "playing house" arena with him. You aren't his wife. You don't cook, clean, etc. for the man regularly. Start making him come to YOUR house more often (if you've been going to his). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 And while you are doing all these things for YOU...you are also preparing yourself, mentally, to leave by say June if he hasn't proposed. He either wants you to be his wife or he doesn't. He knows the answer to that question already. And saving for a ring, etc. is no excuse. He doesn't need a $10K ring to put on your finger to ask you to be his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 I'm just scared about investing another year' date=' breaking up will be even more painful a year from now.[/quote'] Well, if you're both in your 30's, the realist in me says two years is enough time to have decided on what one wants. Were he marriage oriented, you'd at least be discussing concrete plans and dates. The hard truth is, you probably already have your answer. Sorry it's not the one you were hoping to hear... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Exactly' date=' I want him to propose because he wants not because I forced him. I'm not forcing or begging anyone. I'm just scared about investing another year, breaking up will be even more painful a year from now.[/quote'] He's already had more than enough time to decide. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 How old are both of you? I know you said you're not "early 20s", but that still leaves a LOT of room for interpretation. If you're 24, that would be very different from if you were 34. He said it would happen in the next year, I'm hoping, but not holding my breath. Is there a reason you don't trust him when he says this? If you can't trust that he will keep his word, how can you trust that he will be faithful and good to you even if you do get married? For this reason alone, I'm thinking there's something wrong here that you'd need to work out before you even consider getting married. Either with the relationship, or with your own insecurity/anxiety. Also, ummm, I'm getting a weird sense of deja vu here. Did you post this before under another username...? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Also, ummm, I'm getting a weird sense of deja vu here. Did you post this before under another username...? Funny, I had the same feeling. Maybe there's just lots of marriage and family-minded women facing the same dilemma... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Funny, I had the same feeling. Maybe there's just lots of marriage and family-minded women facing the same dilemma... Mr. Lucky Who write the same way and whose partner said he'd do it "within the year" but she doesn't believe him? Maybe... haha. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 You wrote about the same issue here. Although in that post, it became clear that you've only been together for 18 months or so. I still think you're rushing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted December 27, 2018 Share Posted December 27, 2018 Why are you waiting for him to decide if he wants to propose or not? It gives him all the power; you have put your life in his hands. Why would you do that? If a man wants to marry you, he probably will. Marriage is a big step for people, especially men apparently, and either they want to or they dont. Its like if you wanted to drive off a cliff, and he didnt. You keep waiting for him to want to drive off the cliff with you, he keeps saying he will, but he doesnt. He doesnt want to, and likely wont change his mind. It doesnt make his wants any less important than yours, its just different. Its an incompatibility. After 2 years, he should know if this will be a lifetime committment. You cant control him, only yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 And saving for a ring, etc. is no excuse. Yes, but it works. In my youth, when a woman I was dating starting pushing the marriage idea, I told her I had a rough year (financially) and wanted to save up and get her a beautiful ring that would match her beauty. The whole time I'm lying through my teeth, but it bought me the time to find her replacement. NEXT!! I've never been married, but did get engaged once in my life. I knew 3 months in. I put a very nice ring on my credit card and proposed. Ultimately, she broke off the engagement, but my point is... I knew right away that she was the one. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 Yes, but it works. In my youth, when a woman I was dating starting pushing the marriage idea, I told her I had a rough year (financially) and wanted to save up and get her a beautiful ring that would match her beauty. The whole time I'm lying through my teeth, but it bought me the time to find her replacement. NEXT!! I've never been married, but did get engaged once in my life. I knew 3 months in. I put a very nice ring on my credit card and proposed. Ultimately, she broke off the engagement, but my point is... I knew right away that she was the one. Exactly my point. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 Exactly my point. Yes, I got surprised once, when a woman gave me an ultimatum and I was caught off guard. We went out to a nice dinner and were making out on her couch when she hit me with an ultimatum to get engaged or leave, so I left. After that, I had my "canned line" ready to go. Link to post Share on other sites
L0nely Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 No way I would stay 3-5 years. The 6 month/year mark is the time that feels right. There's a story here on LS about a girl who stopped sex with her husband right on wedding night. She just wanted that ring, not the guy. It sounds like that girl would be you. No one can truly know someone until you've lived with them but you refuse cohabitation without marriage. Anything less than 2 years is not even long enough to truly know a person, let alone truly love someone. Your kind of love for him is just lust for that ring. If you're going to rush things, then 1 for-sure way is to sperm jack him. That way he'll be stuck to marry you right away or else child support. I don't recommend this way because it is wrong, yet I've known so many girls who did this because of their ticking biological clock. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 If you're going to rush things, then 1 for-sure way is to sperm jack him. That way he'll be stuck to marry you right away or else child support. I don't recommend this way because it is wrong, yet I've known so many girls who did this because of their ticking biological clock. Good luck. I'veseenbetterlol, I'm going to assume your vision of family includes a house, white picket fence and loving partner. "sperm jacking" (new one on me) gets you years of court hearings, a child raised in daycare and a lifetime of single motherhood... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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