Married 1 year headed for divorce?

[nninnaa]

Hi. I’m new here my first time posting.

I’m 32 years old, no children.

It looks like my husband and I will probably be divorcing soon,

because we just can’t make it work. We have been together 4.5 years.

Dated for 2 years, he proposed, married a year later. Our one year wedding

anniversary was this past August, and we were separated. I spent the day alone

as did he. We reconciled, under the agreement that he would get help for

alcohol addiction, and we would both see therapists individually and couples. We

both admitted to our wrongs and speaking for myself I tried to ease up a lot more and not be a control freak or just try harder on my end to make life more

easier for two people who love each other but are not compatible in any way.

We have had a rough road together. A lot of fights(mostly about his drinking)

A lot of heartbreaks, a lot of ruined birthdays, holidays etc (due to we were fighting or not speaking to each other)

I look back and I wish I had given up on him before the marriage. I knew he

Had alcohol problems, he has bad family history, his dad is a drug/alcohol addict..but something always have me hope. He always gave me the hope that

He would change and straighten out and we could make a great family together.

When he is on the straight and narrow, he’s amazing. Sweet, thoughtful, sensitive, affectionate, makes me his priority...:but when he starts to drink he gets into party mode he’s different person. Our Christmas was ruined this year because he chose to start drinking “just for the holidays, cut me some slack” he said. So I did - but he got carried away and over did it. I was do furious that we had ANOTHER joyous event ruined. Again. AGAIN.

I’ve given us try after try after try. And we end up back in same cycle. I get hurt and upset and he says I’m better off without him. Well I think he’s right.

I was sure that I wanted to be done with us just yesterday, I told my mom and family that I no longer wish to ruin these Golden years of my life by being disappointed every 2 months. Now in this moment, I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone again. I wanted to have children I’m afraid I’ll miss my chance. I was even willing to “settle” just so I can have children soon...I’m heattbroken.

I secretly just want him to fix this. I want him to break down and be remorseful and say he will be a changed man. But ...I’ve heard that before..: would just be lying to myself

He slept on the couch last night (we didn’t spend the day together)

Heard him crying before work this morning. We didn’t talk.

Texted me at work moments ago saying he understands if I want him gone, hah he will make plans to leave our apartment.

I don’t know what to respond to that. Am I done? Truly?

I could make a whole new life with someone else, someone I have more in common with. Or, I’m afraid I will just end up alone again.

What to do?

 

Thank you

[DKT3]

Alcoholism is a disease, if he had any other disease would you be comfortable giving up on him?

 

This isnt something he can will away on his own, and by the way you describe your interaction it doesn't sound like you are supportive.

 

With that being said, I can understand you are coming to the end of your rope.

 

Were I in your position I would allow one more conditional opportunity. One that requires treatment and meetings for the both of you. Him AA and you Alalon. It will better equip you to help him and yourself deal with the struggle. Sometimes the juice is worth the squeeze, sometimes the fruit is rotten. Only you can decide that.

[nninnaa]

I understand it’s a disease.

When he came back home after our separation the terms were that he would attend AA meetings because we can’t afford rehab.

He went to 6 or 7 meetings, seemed hopeful and promising, and then

Stopped going completely.

 

The only reason I have held on this long is because he dkea have a good heart.

However I feel I’m just being a fool every time I don’t give up on him

and give us another shot.

 

For what it’s worth, he says he just really likes alcohol.

I don’t think he has the willpower to stop something he genuinely

enjoys.

 

I myself have no desire to drink ever. My dad was and is alcoholic and I grew up seeing how it affected my family.

 

Sometimes I think it would be more fair for him to just be with someone who DOES like to partake in drinking, and I could find someone who doesn’t.

I want him to be happy. I deserve to be happy as well.

[DKT3]

I understand it’s a disease.

When he came back home after our separation the terms were that he would attend AA meetings because we can’t afford rehab.

He went to 6 or 7 meetings, seemed hopeful and promising, and then

Stopped going completely.

 

The only reason I have held on this long is because he dkea have a good heart.

However I feel I’m just being a fool every time I don’t give up on him

and give us another shot.

 

For what it’s worth, he says he just really likes alcohol.

I don’t think he has the willpower to stop something he genuinely

enjoys.

 

I myself have no desire to drink ever. My dad was and is alcoholic and I grew up seeing how it affected my family.

 

Sometimes I think it would be more fair for him to just be with someone who DOES like to partake in drinking, and I could find someone who doesn’t.

I want him to be happy. I deserve to be happy as well.

I think you're minimizing this...I don't think it's as simple as he really likes alcohol. There is a small percentage of the population that alcohol affects brain chemistry and it can act as a narcotic for them. For those people it's not really about will power, no more then its about will power for those with mental illness.

 

I'm sensing something else, I'm sensing you want out for some other reason and you are looking to justify it by using alcohol. Listen, if you want out, get out, just dont try to make yourself feel better by playing the I tried everything card. When you truly love someone you don't give up on them or wish they find someone else to continue destroying themselves with. Something is off here.

[Mr. Lucky]

For what it’s worth, he says he just really likes alcohol.

 

I don’t think he has the willpower to stop something he genuinely

enjoys.

 

Does he enjoy what alcohol has done to his life - and is doing to his marriage?

 

You're wasting your time until he gets some sobriety under his belt. You might tell him you're separating until then.

 

Al-Anon meetings would give you more clarity about his addiction and how the disease works. You'll also find people there father along in the journey than you are, good sources of advice.

 

Hang in there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nninnaa]

DKT3 just curious are you a male or female?

 

You may be onto something...

The alcohol really does bother me and is a dealbreaker

However there are other things that bother me about him

Even when he is sober...

 

We are so different. Polar opposites.

And there are times when I find myself fantasizing about

Being with someone who has the manners I like,

The movies I like....I don’t know. You saying that made me

More confused now and I have more to think about...

 

Mr. lucky—it does feel like we are wasting each other’s time.

If he has no serious plans of living sober, then he’s wasting my time

And if I will never be ok with him drinking, I don’t want to make

His life unhappy. Throw in that my biological clock is ticking...

I just feel like I have to make a decision right away...

 

I also feel like I should never had gotten married. I feel immature and

Like I did it just because I didn’t want to risk being alone and 30.

[BaileyB]

Whatever you decide about your marriage, do NOT bring a child into this world if you are in an unstable marriage and the child will have an alcoholic father. To do so would be selfish and irresponsible. Sorry.

[PegNosePete]

So you list a lot of stuff that you DON'T like about him. But the only positive reasons to stay in the marriage is that you don't want to be alone and your biological clock is ticking? Those are no reasons to stay in a marriage!

 

You should divorce and find someone who makes you happy, with whom you can gave a good relationship. As you say you're wasting your youth and throwing away your golden years on a bad one.

 

You have invested so much time and emotion into this relationship and your husband, you don't want to give up, and lose all of that investment. You want him to somehow turn it all around and for your investment to boom and profit and all have been worthwhile. But that is not going to happen. It hurts to lose all of that investment, but the best thing you can do now is to cut your losses and stop throwing good time and emotion after bad.

 

If he does somehow turn it all around in the future you can always re-marry.

[Wallysbears]

You have PLENTY of time to get what you want out of life if you leave this dead weight and move on now.

 

He's an alcoholic who isn't getting help. You can't bring a child into that situation.

 

You are a woman in your early 30's who wants marriage and children.

 

There is a FINITE timeline to that.

 

 

My advice is to go to therapy, individually, starting immediately. File for a divorce. Spend the next 1 year or so in therapy and getting divorced and then date with a purpose of finding a man that wants to get married and have children and who matches you on the timeline plus also comes free of any addictions, etc.

[nninnaa]

Thank you for that.

 

I have just been crying and a wreck for the past few days

I feel like such a failure. I think that it’s my fault that I could t

Make it work, that I couldn’t just lighten up.

He told me it’s always my fault we fight and I said but do you notice

That all of our blowups have been about the same thing?? Your drinking!

Like a broken record he swore he’d clean up and do better.

I have guilt for wanting to give up on him and at the very same moment

I feel I deserve better than this life.

 

I just need courage right now. It’s just so hard to tell my family and friends

That it’s over. I feel embarrassed.

[BaileyB]

Thank you for that.

 

I have just been crying and a wreck for the past few days

I feel like such a failure. I think that it’s my fault that I could t

Make it work, that I couldn’t just lighten up.

He told me it’s always my fault we fight and I said but do you notice

That all of our blowups have been about the same thing?? Your drinking!

Like a broken record he swore he’d clean up and do better.

I have guilt for wanting to give up on him and at the very same moment

I feel I deserve better than this life.

 

I just need courage right now. It’s just so hard to tell my family and friends

That it’s over. I feel embarrassed.

 

If I may, you need to go to an Al-Anon meeting. You will learn very quickly that you having nothing to be embarrassed about, that there was nothing more you could have done to make the situation better, and that you are not alone.

 

Good luck to you.

[vla1120]

I agree with what others have said. Go to an Al-anon meeting. Learn from the experiences of others. It may give you the perspective you need. Ask yourself these questions - if he were to stop drinking today and seek help, how long would he have to be sober before you felt comfortable starting a family with him (if ever?) Knowing that, at any time, he could start drinking again, would you ever really feel comfortable having children with him? Picture him as the father of your children in his worst condition. Do you want to take that chance? You have time to realize the goals you set for yourself with someone else. You are not a failure. You are choosing a better option for your future children.

[nninnaa]

Well we haven’t spoken in days.

I have been avoiding him because I

Am scared of facing the inevitable once we

Do speak, which will be ending it.

 

He isn’t even trying. He’s not remorseful

He’s not saying he was wrong.

 

All he ever texts me is “are you dumping me “

 

And “do you want me to move out”

 

Gee thanks for not even trying to smooth

Things out.

[nninnaa]

I’ve never felt this much pain at once.

 

This year has been the most heart breaking on record, but maybe

There is a sign here.

My beloved dog whom I had for 17 years, my best friend and

Buddy, passed away in October. I have cried over his loss every single day.

My grandmother whom I was very close to is on her final days...

 

Now this with my marriage...maybe I’m meant to leave him also

And start the new year completely fresh.

 

It hurts so bad though to think I won’t have him (husband) around anymore.

He gets on my last nerves, curses, is not the most cultured guy, but

Damn it he got me. He made me laugh and was always with me.

I’m so scared to live alone. Don’t know what to do.

[Giraffe-A]

There’s two things happening all at once, 1- his obvious issue, and 2- the first year of marriage, which is the roughest. You may have been used to the years of dating but the first year of marriage is where things get real and 2 people struggle to become one unit. It’s hard enough as it is to be dealing with the drinking.

 

Alcoholism is one tough demon. I dislike how people think that because it runs in the family, you gotta deal with it. Coping mechanism is what’s not there. At the first site of trouble, people hit the bottle. Their emotions get numbed and they never get to deal with it head on so it just delays healing.

 

Hoping for things to get better in a relationship is the surest way to end up unhappy. But if you have stood by this man for so long, then what he may need is a ride awakening. Seperate, tell him to get his own place and you’ll be moving on your own. And do it. Don’t talk to him. Get your life and esteem back. Date. Don’t take him back because he says he’ll change...watch him change. He needs to get help on his own and realize you will not be there. If he comes back a new man and you want him back, great. If not, at least you would have moved past this enough to go through the divorce. Maybe losing you gets him on the right track. Who knows?

[nninnaa]

Hi, I just wanted to write down what’s happened since.

 

We talked and he said he doesn’t want to move out, and

That starting January 1, he’s going to go completely sober.

 

I thought dec 25 was his last day of drinking(that’s what he said)

But I was wrong. Or he was wrong.

 

New Year’s Eve is a very big family holiday for my family.

I was looking forward to it until he casually sprung it on me that

He’s going to drink tonight at the gathering my family.

 

He promises, this will be it, and staying tomorrow he isn’t touching alcohol at all

 

For better or for worse, I am choosing to believe just one more time.

Each time he fails, the idea of leaving him gets easier for me.

Hopefully, this time will stick. If not, I can look back without regret knowing I gave us a shot again.

 

I am a little bit nervous and worried that he’ll fail, again, and another year of my life will have gone by.

 

But, something is still keeping me here, so I guess I do have some hope left for us.

 

I’ve also come to realize that I myself personally have such a hatred for alcohol because of seeing how much it ruined my parents marriage, and I’m noticing that a lot of my moms beliefs are bleeding into my life and thoughts. If that makes sense.

 

I’m living in fear of turning into my my mom, and my husband into my dad.

That’s something my therapist said I need to stop doing. My husband is not my dad.

 

I also realize that my zero tolerance for alcohol will leave me outcast from

Most of society. If I were to divorce, who is to say I would find a man whom I like, who likes me, and we get along AND he doesn’t drink?

 

Probably none.

 

I hope I won’t have have to return here in a few months to say he slipped.

At least it’s documented here.

 

Thank you for your help.

[Mr. Lucky]

For better or for worse, I am choosing to believe just one more time.

 

Don't like your chances but certainly willing to wish you good luck.

 

You knows every year has a New Year's Eve, right? And Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

 

So when he needs an excuse to drink, won't have to wait long, they come rolling by on a regular basis...

 

Mr. Lucky